Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ok this is a weird one...

46 replies

ladystardust · 25/10/2008 16:00

Dd (17) has lived with her dad for last six months.
He's in hospital. I flew back from trip to be with her. When he comes out he will not be able to run around for her the way he has been. (I know....)
This is all big shock to her, naturally. But she tells me that he (and the stepmother) have said that I will be taking on all responsibilities (running around for appointments etc). Neither of them has discussed this with me and I don't live that near them.
SO.... am I being unreasonable to think that maybe she could do some of this?
I came back to look after her, well to be here for her. But she lives with them.
How awful do I sound??

OP posts:
kormAaaarrrggghhhchameleon · 25/10/2008 16:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scaryfucker · 25/10/2008 16:03

erm, is 17 yr old incapable of getting herself around?

clayrethechildslayre · 25/10/2008 16:04

at 17 could she not go to appointments on her own?

scaryfucker · 25/10/2008 16:04

omg, cross posted korma

my "erm" was not to echo your "erm"

< backs away in trepidation >

Inghouls2 · 25/10/2008 16:05

very.... I agree with Korma.

Original poster
ladystardust · 25/10/2008 16:06

Yes, of course she is. But he's been spoiling her...
Which is why she went to live with him.....

OP posts:
kormAaaarrrggghhhchameleon · 25/10/2008 16:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SqueakyPop · 25/10/2008 16:07

How much running around would you have to do for her? At 17, she is a young woman, not a child.

You should give her as much emotional support and encouragement as needed.

If she has to miss out on extra curricular stuff because dad can't give her a lift (and no buses or friends to call on), then so be it. A 17-year old cannot be totally shielded from real life.

As a parent, I would try to make sure that her exams were not compromised, however.

Inghouls2 · 25/10/2008 16:07

is there a hint of bitterness here Stardust?

BitOfFun · 25/10/2008 16:08

Hmm, I understand that it's irritating to have people assume things, but really, yes, YABU. Your daughter should be stepping up to the plate herself more, but you can't expect stepmother to do the running round if she is looking after your ex. They probably think that that's why you came back from your trip and don't see the issue.

Original poster
ladystardust · 25/10/2008 16:08

Bitterness doesn't even begin to cover it

OP posts:
clayrethechildslayre · 25/10/2008 16:08

well this mite be the time she learns idependance and responsibility, my parents did not run about after me at 17 i was more than able to get on a bus and go places myself

madlentileater · 25/10/2008 16:09

what about step mother?

Original poster
ladystardust · 25/10/2008 16:11

That's my point - she's said she won't do it.

OP posts:
Inghouls2 · 25/10/2008 16:11

Ah! well, I think you better decide what is reasonable for you to help with and her to do alone then try and reach a compromise. This is your chance to encourage her independance but if you come down too hard in the beginning she'll run a mile.

Original poster
ladystardust · 25/10/2008 16:13

Thanks Ing.
you're right.

OP posts:
TheProvincialLady · 25/10/2008 16:13

Depends what you mean by appointments I suppose. If you are talking about the usual social engagements of a 17 year old then YANBU to decide for yourself what you are prepared to do, if anything. She is old enough to organise those things hereself anyway or go without.

If we are talking about doctors appointments, education and other serious stuff and there is no way she can sort it out for herself then you would be very mean not to do it when her father can't and her SM needs to look after him.

If the truth is somewhere between the two then why don't you teach her how to catch a train/bus, walk, call a taxi etc - and then help her out when she can't manage the logistics.

BitOfFun · 25/10/2008 16:13

I would go with what Squeaks said: help out where necessary, but if she can't get to socialising stuff etc, then she'll have to suck it up. Or do chores at your place to earn taxi money - that'll lern her

KatyMac · 25/10/2008 16:14

What sort of running round are we talking about?

Getting her to school/college?

Getting her to medical appointments?

Taking her to meet her mates?

Taking her shopping?

TBH at 17 I could (& would) do the weekly shop but my mum dropped me & collected me (& did another job in between) & I swapped jobs around the house for lifts to the city (we lived a long way out)

Inghouls2 · 25/10/2008 16:14

As for the stepmum, maybe she can't do it as opposed to won't.
I will try and whatever I can for DSS (he's 26 and still needy) but sometimes (most of the time) he's just not top of my pile.

CarGirl · 25/10/2008 16:15

I think there is a balanc and at 17 she should be doing most things for herself because she is an adult. Perhaps her stepmum is aware of the fact that her Dad has done too much?

Perhaps a chat with your dd along the lines of your old enough to have sex, leave home, drive a car, work full time why exactly do you need anyone to do x y z for you?

nooOOOoonki · 25/10/2008 16:16

i would help her, but get her to do the things herself. Ie making appointments etc, many adults are scared of using the telephone etc because they werent taught how to,

maybe help her do it at first, teach her to cook (but do it in a I'll do it today, you tomorrow way and try and make it enjoyable etc)

and talk to her dad so that when he is able he continues doing it.

Talk to step-mum with your daughter and come up with an acceptable compromise.

17 is a funny age, both young and old but most of that depends on how independent you are, and in general you have to be taught how to be successfully independent.

Original poster
ladystardust · 25/10/2008 16:16

It's mostly ongoing health stuff. Physios etc.
Adapting to change - the lesson we all have to learn - over and over and over again...

OP posts:
Inghouls2 · 25/10/2008 16:16

Do you have a civil relationship with the SM star?

Inghouls2 · 25/10/2008 16:18

on going? serious health stuff?