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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ok this is a weird one...

46 replies

ladystardust · 25/10/2008 16:00

Dd (17) has lived with her dad for last six months.
He's in hospital. I flew back from trip to be with her. When he comes out he will not be able to run around for her the way he has been. (I know....)
This is all big shock to her, naturally. But she tells me that he (and the stepmother) have said that I will be taking on all responsibilities (running around for appointments etc). Neither of them has discussed this with me and I don't live that near them.
SO.... am I being unreasonable to think that maybe she could do some of this?
I came back to look after her, well to be here for her. But she lives with them.
How awful do I sound??

OP posts:
Upwind · 25/10/2008 16:18

When I was barely 17 I lived a completely independent life from my parents and managed to fully take care of myself. Common sense should be used to find a compromise here.

Original poster
ladystardust · 25/10/2008 16:19

In an ideal world nooo(etc).
Unfortunately they won't talk to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
ladystardust · 25/10/2008 16:20

She has a back thing - you know like that boy who won Britain's got talent...

OP posts:
Inghouls2 · 25/10/2008 16:23

so how does that effect her compared to other 17 yr olds?

Original poster
ladystardust · 25/10/2008 16:25

Mostly she's fine. But when she gets an attack she's incapacitated and couldn't get to physio by herself. Fortunately attacks get further apart the older she gets. But stress and worry make it worse so am expecting one any day now,,,,

OP posts:
Upwind · 25/10/2008 16:29

If it is something she will have to deal with for the rest of her life, maybe she needs to find a way to manage that? Could she get to her physio by taxi or is she entirely dependent on family when she has an attack?

Can she manage the rest of her appointments herself?

Original poster
ladystardust · 25/10/2008 16:32

Of course she can
She'll probably get into a 'dad's only just got ill and I've had this for ages' thing.
Like I said she'll have to adapt to the change.

OP posts:
shootfromthehip · 25/10/2008 16:40

Presumably she chose to live with them rather than you and she therefore has to accept that a change in their circumstances are par-for-the-course (where DOES that expression come from and am I even using it correctly?), as it were. Hopital visits are different but the SM needs to get her act together. She has take on responsibility for your daughter and I think it is her problem to fix and not yours.

Oh I am SOooo mean.

CarGirl · 25/10/2008 16:48

it sounds like you dd is going to have a bit of a wake call to real life! Perhaps she'll be coming back to live with you!

Original poster
ladystardust · 25/10/2008 16:54

Funny you should say that cargirl, she has already mentioned that

And no you're not mean SFTH because that is what I think. But then I was asking if you all thought I was...

OP posts:
CarGirl · 25/10/2008 16:59

Perhaps you can say, of course you are welcome to live with me but then you will still be doing x y z for yourself because you are 17 and perfectly capable of doing so.

Do you think her Dad over did the helping her out through guilt??

Original poster
ladystardust · 25/10/2008 17:00

I think that's why she left in the first place...

OP posts:
MurderousMarla · 25/10/2008 17:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CarGirl · 25/10/2008 17:02

It's a bit like karma for her really!

CarGirl · 25/10/2008 17:03

perhaps you just do the sure and remind her that she'll have to sort out chainging hopsitals, college etc

Original poster
ladystardust · 25/10/2008 17:06

No problem with dd. well when I say that, she is a teeny bit challenging .
Constant battles with ex which I try not to engage with buty apparently i've done a really crap job for the past 13 years.
I don't think it's THAT bad.....

OP posts:
Upwind · 25/10/2008 17:10

You sound entirely reasonable, if that helps

needsomeonetotalkto · 25/10/2008 17:14

Shes 17 - surley she can look after herself?

Inghouls2 · 25/10/2008 18:16

now that is where I totally disagree. The SM might be involved in the care of your dd, but she has not taken on the responsibility and and it's not her "problem" to fix. If thats the case you have discharged all responsibility as a mother and you should tell your dd that.
I imagine xdh is still her father and you are still her mother and therefore it's down to you two to sort out her issues.
I think you are going to have to overcome your bitterness and talk to the SM if you want her help and talk to your dd about what is realistic at her age.

pamelat · 25/10/2008 19:15

remember that she may just tell you that they have said that you will take care of it all, it could be her way of assuming so - they may not have even got round to talking about it yet?

unaccomplishedfattylegalmummy · 25/10/2008 19:48

YANBU when I was 17 I was living with my DH, completely independantly from my parents. Be there for her emotionaly but as far as ferrying her around she should be able to do that herself.

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