To feel a bit akward that everytimg exp comes over to see the dc's his gf comes too.

[spookycharlotte121]

Exp came over to see the kids tonight because he hasnt seen them in about 2 weeks. He could only stay for about 20 mins so I made sure tea and bath etc was out of the way so he could spend the time playing with the kids before bed. When I answered the door he asked if it was ok if his gf and her dd came in. Im not the type of person who would say no as its chilly out and would be unfair on her dd, but on the other hand I feel a bit angry that she came too. I mean me and his gf arnt best buddies but we are on good terms with one another and I would hope that she trusted me and exp together.

Every time he collects the dcs she is waiting in the car with her dd and if he takes too long she phones him and gets cross. I feel a bit angry that she doesnt want us alone together. He cant ever pick both kids up now because there is not enough space in the car for exp, his gf , her dd and my 2 dcs car seats. So now I have to drop off and collect the kids which is slightly anoying and rather inconvenient.

If his gf didnt come in the car with him then he would be able to collect both children but she doesnt let him come here alone. She and I have spoeken in great detail about what happened between me and exp and what he did to me so she if perfectly aware that I would never get back with him so why does she have to watch us like a hawk.... I just dont get it and I dont know how to deal with the situation. I think it is quite rude of her to just turn up at my house and assume its ok for her to come in but like I previously said I would never say she couldnt come in. Oppinions please. Am i being pathetic?

My first reaction was that YABU because I assumed she wanted to be involved in her DPs relationship with his DCs - perfectly understandable and I wanted the same thing myself. I can't see there's a problem with her coming along to see the DCs.

However, if it is because she doesn't trust you both together, then that's pretty pathetic of her. Are you sure that's the case?

Can you just refuse to drop them off? Don't see why you should have to.

WHy do you think it is because she does not want you alone together?

Might it not just be that they always happen to be together?

The one thing I do think is unreasonable is that your ex could only spare 20 min in 2 weeks to see his kids.

Agree don't see why you should have to drop off the kids.
Ask him directly about that one.

No- I don't think you are being pathetic. You sound like you are trying to cope with a difficult situation. Your xp needs to get his priorities sorted out - and that, imo, is his own children. If he's not very careful they are going to feel that they are less important to him than his gf and her dd - because that's the message that he's sending out loud and clear, from what you've said here.

Can you sit down with your xp and explain your feelings? Perhaps he hasn't realised how this his behaviour could affect his children. It shouldn't be up to you to deal with his new gf - that's his job, and he has to be able to say to her that the time he spends with his children is very important to him, and he needs to spend that time with THEM, and because (I'm guessing) he does get to spend plenty of time with them (his gf and her dd), so it's not too much to ask that he be able to focus on his children from time to time.

I personally dont think that it is because she wants to be involved. This evening exp came over at 7.30. I kept ds up late so he could see his dad, he normally goes to bed at 7. she has a dd who is 2 so I would assume that she would have a similar bedtime but she chose to bring her over to mine rather than putting her to bed.

Exp see's the kids on other occasions. he sees them usually about once a week. I drop them to his gfs house and he plays with them for a few hours or takes them out to the park. The only reason he came over this evening was because he hadnt seem them in about 10 days but we had already discussed on the phone earlier today that he is going to have them over night sunday.
I just feel like im being checked up on and watched. And like I said before I think it is a little rude to come to my house without letting me know. If I had been in my pj's I would have been really enbaressed. I hope you get the point im making.... Im not being very literate tonight and cant seem to think of the right words.

Sunnygirl thats the other thing. I needed to talk to exp about money this evening but I couldnt do that with his gf here. There are several things that I need to discuss with exp about the kids but never get the chance because she never lets him near me alone, so they dont get spoken about. I do find that irritating as its between me and him and I would never start that sort of discussion with exp if my bf were about. He lives with his gf btw.

If I dont drop the kids off to him then he wont see them.
I was dissapointed that he could only spare 20 mins for the kids especially seeing as he hasnt worked all week.

I think you have been very reasonable about this. Was she the Other Woman (sorry, can't remember.) If so, then you have been ultra reasonable.

Also, it is all very well new partners wanting to be included in the relationship with the children but children also need to spend time alone with their non-resident parent. New partners should be sensitive to this and not possessive which is tantamount to controlling. They should grow up FGS. They are adults and the world does not revolve solely around them.

Lastly, you should not be inconvenienced practically by his or her choices. Let him come and collect your dc by himself.

I understand that you want to make it as easy as possible for your dc and him to see each other and you are willing to be very flexible to facilitate this and not rock the boat but YANBU, they are.

So you have to compensate for him being lazy, basically. The thing is, if you don't set firmer boundaries, there is no chance of him changing his behaviour. I know you won't want your DCs to miss out but tbh it doesn't sound like they are getting a very good deal out of it at the moment anyway.

I would try a couple of weeks of being stricter and seeing what happens. No keeping them up past their usual bedtime, if he comes round any later he will not see them. Set a day when he can see them and then stick to that. And say you can't bring them round (if you have a car, it can mysteriously develop an on-and-off fault so you can say you don't want to take it out if you don't have to). Make it his problem to sort out. Especially if he's not working!

Re the money, can you ring him and discuss it? At least then the gf would not hear your side of the conversation. Or ask him outright to stay behind for a few minutes at the end of a visit for a money conversation and make him say directly you you (and his gf) either that he will do that or he won't.

It sounds like they have an established relationship, and like it or not she might become your DCs stepmum before too long. So you will have to accept that she's a big part of their life - money issues and all. If there's something you want to discuss in private with your ex, can you not arrange a time to speak on the phone? That would be better anyway wouldn't it, without the DCs around (presumably you wouldn't ever raise it in front of them?)

Also, it is reasonable for you to do either the pick up or the drop off - but I agree not both. Just tell your ex you'll do one or the other and he'll have to sort out his arrangements.

Spooky

I always go with dp when he collects or visits dss, not to check up just simply because we are always together....you sure this isn't the case?

Tell him that if he wants to see the DCs he needs to come and collect them himself. Or, if he wants to see them in your home - that he needs to come alone.

personally I would be thankful he sees the children ds1 father has not seen him in 3 yrs

Bubble - IMO that would be very unreasonable. Neither Charlotte nor any other woman has the right to control her ex in that way.

Well according to them they didnt start seeing one another untill we had split up but it seems highly convenient that he split up with me and moved in with her a couple of weeks later
Im just glad we all get along tbh. Exp can be a very difficult person to get along with and knows how to cause trouble.
I dont have a problem with her being involved with my kids. But I think there is a time and place for it and it just seems like Im being supervised. I would like it if exp could spend time along with the kids but I dont think he would manage with both of them alone. I have told him he can come here and play with them and I will go out but there is always an excuse and Im guessing his gf would have issues with it. She even admitted to me that she didnt want him to be at dd's birth..... and he didnt turn up. he went shopping instead!
He knows I will go to the end of the earth to keep them in contact with him because I grew up without my own dad, although he died and would have walked across hot coals to see me unlike exp.

EightiesChick how would you suggest I am stricter? I find it quite difficult and hate confrontation with him. I feel very pathetic that even though were not together he still manages to dictate to me.

I would also be thankful that his gf wants to be involved (because I think that's part of it as well). Being a stepmum/almost stepmum must rank as one of the hardest and most thankless tasks in the world. Plus you constantly have to deal with the assumption, voiced here, that you are The Other Woman (whereas in our case the ex had married The Other Man).

Im not controling him. I think I have been more than reasonable and very accomodating to him.
Like I said I dont have a problem with his gf being onvolved as like you say she could become their step mum and I would like to be able to have a good relationship with her. I just it inconvenient that exp can only take one kid out at a time because when she and her dd are in the car there is only space for one of my dd. Surely its common sense that she stays at home so he can collect both dcs and take them back to hers.

She has told me that she thought it was innapropriate that I have still been in my pj's when exp collects ds on a saterday!

I want exp to have a relationship with the kids but at the moment it is taking up a lot of time and effort and I am finding the whole thing quite tiring.

Do they both drive? I go with DH everywhere because we only have one car and just do everything in one go. Eg. Might go to his mums together for him to get his hair cut and also stop at mine because it is round the corner. Its not that we can't be apart, it is just easier and he might not know that you feel like this?

Twinkle it is very hard, my dps ds is almost 15 and he has got to be the hardest child to be near. He came to our home on the 19th september, for our ds2;s 1st b'day party. In the 24 hrs he was here he never spoke 50 words other to ask if we were renting or had bought the place, why we had bought all new furniture, and after every answer txting the ex and telling her. He didn't even bring his little brother a card. Then to top it off he lied to dp about what he had said when my friend had heard him and pulled him up on it. Since then he has not contacted dp as he knows dp is out of work and cannot afford theme parks etc.

And I have to keep myself very tight lipped!!!!!

I don't wish to be judgmental but I don't understand why children 'HAVE' to accept new partners. It is not their choice to not have both their parents living with them. They are not the adults in the situation.

And why is it necessary for the NRP and his/her new partner to spend every minute of the day together, not allowing his/her children to see them alone. I just see that as selfish and inconsiderate and immature of the NRP and new partner. Couples are not one person but two people with separate identities, they are divisible and can spend time apart.

You talk about controlling behaviour TM but it is controlling of the new partner to insist on being involved in every contact visit. The individual parents' views and the childrens' views are those which should count most when it comes to families that have split up and how the children are looked after.

X posts. Charlotte - don't take this the wrong way, but is there an element of jealousy here? I know from experience that women can find it very hard to accept another woman's relationship with their children. Don't you think it's good for your DCs to have another family to spend time with, rather than just a single man?

IRO EightiesChick's advice - being strict like that will breed resentment. If he's working it is presumably hard to get there a lot earlier, and seeing their father is much more important than a strict bedtime.

Sorry to be pedantic here, but Jammi why is it his responsibility to pick up AND drop off? It is the mother's responsibility to assist in maintaining contact with the father, and that means sharing these duties.

SkyAtNight - I never said the children have to accept new partners. But it is their decision to make, not their mother's.

And I did say earlier on that if his girlfriend to be involved purely as a chaperone, then I thought that was pathetic.