To feel a bit akward that everytimg exp comes over to see the dc's his gf comes too.

[spookycharlotte121]

Exp came over to see the kids tonight because he hasnt seen them in about 2 weeks. He could only stay for about 20 mins so I made sure tea and bath etc was out of the way so he could spend the time playing with the kids before bed. When I answered the door he asked if it was ok if his gf and her dd came in. Im not the type of person who would say no as its chilly out and would be unfair on her dd, but on the other hand I feel a bit angry that she came too. I mean me and his gf arnt best buddies but we are on good terms with one another and I would hope that she trusted me and exp together.

Every time he collects the dcs she is waiting in the car with her dd and if he takes too long she phones him and gets cross. I feel a bit angry that she doesnt want us alone together. He cant ever pick both kids up now because there is not enough space in the car for exp, his gf , her dd and my 2 dcs car seats. So now I have to drop off and collect the kids which is slightly anoying and rather inconvenient.

If his gf didnt come in the car with him then he would be able to collect both children but she doesnt let him come here alone. She and I have spoeken in great detail about what happened between me and exp and what he did to me so she if perfectly aware that I would never get back with him so why does she have to watch us like a hawk.... I just dont get it and I dont know how to deal with the situation. I think it is quite rude of her to just turn up at my house and assume its ok for her to come in but like I previously said I would never say she couldnt come in. Oppinions please. Am i being pathetic?

Believe me SkyAtNight I don't have an agenda, but I know there are two sides to every story. And I do believe in refuting sweeping statements like "it's his sole responsibility to pick up/drop off", the assumption that the girlfriend is The Other Woman, the suggestion that a mother has the right to control her DCs relationship with their father's new partner, etc. etc.

Oh but Im not ex bashing or bashing his gf.... we all get along well and Im glad of that. All im saying is that i dont think his gf needs to come to my house to pick up the kids. Neither do I feel it right to control my dc's relationship with their father. If I hadnt have made such an effort with contact between exp and the kids then I dont think he would still be on the scene.
I did my fair share of the drop off and collecting of the kids and now do all of it. I have even helped out with exp's gfs dd and babysat her two consecuative days when exp was in hosp having tests. I dont think many people would make that much effort but it is important for me that we all have a good relationship for the sake of the kids.

Charlotte, it is obvious that you have been more than reasonable.

TwinkleM. You have admitted that you do have an agenda: 'However the reason I care and I'm still on the thread is because this one small issue is symptomatic of a wider general attitude to ex's and their new partners.' That is why you are posting.

Thing is, I can understand that, as a step-parent, whether you were the OW or not, it must be unsettling to hear women slagging off their exes and their new partners. But, on here, a women's forum, people do need to let off steam. So you represent your point of view as a step-parent, whose partner's ex is (and I believe you) selfish and unreasonable (but that is not necessarily typical of those in her position) and other women will criticise their ex and his new gf because, in some (many) cases, THEY are selfish and unreasonable (which seems to be the case with Charlotte's ex, after all he left her when she was pregnant with their second child).

As this is a women's forum and it is more often the case that the man is the NRP, you are more likely to hear about crappy xhs and their new 'tarts' (not my words) on here (apart from on the step-parenting board) than about unreasonable mothers who try to screw their xhs for every penny they have got and who try to block access. You can go to any man's forum if you want to read about that. So it may seem that there is a lot of ex and new wife bashing on here but that is because there is a lone parents board and a relationship board, both mainly populated by women talking about their negative experiences.

skyatnight.... I left him. He stole all my money and was trying to stop me seeing my family... but he left me several times whilst I was pg. It was just the final straw for me when he got a loan out for £600 and blew it at the bookies hence the reason I left.
Exp isnt a good dad and even his gf agrees with me that he is a twat I think my ex bashing (when it happens) is justified.
My ex treated me appaulingly and often lets me and the kids down at the drop of a hat.

So does anyone have any ideas how I can sort this out. should I say something and risk upsetting the peace?

Just wanted to add to my previous post: The details of the ex-bashing that goes on on Mumsnet is not necessarily representative or typical of what happens on average in reality but neither is it necessarily unrepresentative or atypical. Nor is it necessarily untrue or exaggerated.

Sorry Charlotte for getting that wrong about him leaving you, although it does sound as if you had no choice but to leave him in the end because he was/is a twat.

You know the situation better than any of us. Do you think you could say something to him? Would he respond in any positive way? If so, then I think you have every right and reason to ask him to be more considerate. OTOH, if you know that he will use it as an excuse to treat you badly or neglect his children, to twist things such that he is making out that you have refused him access, then it may be that you have to tolerate the situation.

In your place, I would probably try to have a gentle word with him, about the situation of her being there all the time, the car seats issue and not being able to speak to him privately about money, etc.. The situation is unfair on you and your kids. I suppose they are only little so will not necessarily remember a time when his new partner wasn't there but, then again, is this new relationship of his going to last? You are their main parent, the one they live with, and you would want to try and ensure that their interests are represented. That's your only agenda here. YANBU.

He has 5 other kids apart from mine and doesnt see or support any of them! Im ashamed to admit that. I sound liek someone off of trisha! I didnt know any of that when I got with him.

If I were to say anything I would have to be alone with him but that doesnt happen so nothing is going to be said. Its a really akward situation.

I dont know if their relationship will last... in some way he seems happier and more settled with his new gf but he is still doing the same crap to her that he did to me and I know there is only so much anoyone can take of that.

Don't feel ashamed about what has happened. It is very easy to be taken in by charmers who don't tell you the truth about themselves. Most of us have been too trusting at some point or other.

Do you think that he might be bringing them with him in order to avoid talking with you about anything important? Maybe it is all HIS ploy to have things his own way? But it doesn't sound that way from what you have written.

I don't know but maybe you will have to discuss matters with both of them: parenting, money, etc. if she insists on always being present. It sounds like she really doesn't trust him. Rubbish relationship. One wonders why SHE is with him if she feels like that. He must have some positive qualities, I presume.

IMO it's not reasonable to say that the new gf and the xp have to be together all the time!! He's not seeing his children a great deal - so what's the problem with his gf letting him have that time alone with his kids!!

Equally, when he's not seeing the kids very much, it is utterly unreasonable for the gf to insist on her and her dd coming in the car to pick up/drop off when that means that he can't take both HIS children with him!! The whole point of the access is for him to spend time with HIS kids, not the gf's!

I can also fully understand the OP's feelings about wanting notice if people are dropping round. I don't have a 4 month old baby, but I don't always get dressed first thing in the morning (indeed, I am wearing a nightshirt and fleece right now - mumsnet being more important than my shower 0 ). I don't like it if someone comes round and I'm not dressed yet - even if it's a close friend - which has happened - but it's even worse for the OP because, as she said, the gf has made a sarky comment about her still being in her pj's when the dc's were picked up - which is utterly out of order in my opinion! I can remember those early days and how sometimes it was nigh impossible to fit in getting showered/dressed with all the demands of two very small children - I know the gf only has one, but surely she can summon up a little empathy - not to mention manners - and keep her comments to herself! Perhaps the OP was thinking she could have a leisurely bath once the children had been picked up? Utterly reasonable, in my book!!

I don't think you're BU at all. Sounds llike you've bent over backwards to smooth things over, and they're taking the mick. Actually, what would hack me off most, I think, is the fact that he is allowing his GF and her DD to gate-crash what ought to be time spent alone with his own kids, building their relationship. How's that going to happen with them on the scene all the time, and your DCs seeing daddy go off in a car with the other child, while they can't fit in?
Re: whose responsibility it is to collect or drop off. Well, that largley depends on circumstances. If there's a 1000 mile round-trip involved, then it's fair enough to try to split it. 5 minutes up the road, when he has access to a car to use for all sorts of other things is different. The only reason he "can't" use the car, is because of an unnecessary obstacle presented by the GF. I'd create perfectly good reasons every now and again, why I was unable to drop off. Although, from what you say, he'd not be that bothered and would just ditch the contact. Hmm. In which case, you might be stuck with that one. Or, drop them off, but then suddenly be unable to pick them up, so he has to come alone.
But her gate-crashing your house? No way!

Why is everyone blaming the g'f for going maybe he wants her to accompany him? I know my DP does when he is going to see his ds. Because his opinion is we are a family and we do things as a family even collected his ds, This arrangment works well for us, and on some occassions dss has been unable to get in the car because of shopping and our 2 ds's so we have done things locally to where he lives.

Sure, there will be times to do stuff 'as a family' but this is every visit. And, if I were the GF, I would back off a bit out of tactful awareness that his DCs might like to see him on their own from time to time. In the interests of smoothing the future path. It's good for no-one if feathers are ruffled.

Ladyevenstar - perhaps we expect more empathy and sensitivity from a woman than a man? It may not be a fair assumption, I know, but if I were looking for empathy, I'd look at my female friends before my dh.

And to be honest, whether it's the gf doing this or the xp, it's not fair on either the OP or, most importantly, her children.

Evenstar - they're his kids. The gf's DD isn't. It's absurd that he hasn't got room to pick up his own children because he's got her DD in the car.

Regardless of whose car it is.
If he can use it for work/football/pub, surely he can use it for picking up his kids.
The GF sounds very insecure. And that is going to impact adversely on his kids, ultimately. So the OP is right to be concerned.

spicemonster

Evenstar - they're his kids. The gf's DD isn't. It's absurd that he hasn't got room to pick up his own children because he's got her DD in the car.

ds1 is not dp's biologically but he is his dad. He does everything a dad does. Which of us know the situation of OP ex and g'f?

If we go out as a family my dp would not leave my ds1 out just to accomadate his ds. But i guess everyone is different.

So which one of his kids should he leave out, Theladyevenstar? He has two children and not enough space in his car - which of his kids should he leave behind?

And it's not long trips/days out - its just when he picks up/drops off his children. He lives 5 minutes drive away - surely his gf and her dd can live without him for 15 minutes whilst he does this!

It might be different if his gf and her dd were being regularly excluded from the trips he has with his kids - but that's not the case, judging from the OP.

Yes, it's important that he builds the relationship with his new gf and her dd - but building and maintaining the relationship with HIS children has to have equal priority - if not higher - just because he's spending far LESS time with his own children than with the gf and her dd (I'm guessing).

Charlotte,

Why don't you tell the girlfriend that you need a one on one visit with your ex to discuss some issues? Say it very nicely, perhaps getting her on your side somehow. Might that work?

If that doesn't work, here's another plan. Every time you drop them off, go in and sit down. Stay. When it gets uncomfortable, continue to sit there pleasantly.

Either they'll get the hint or they'll say something which will open the door for your own rules.

As for doing all the driving, as you say, it takes five minutes. I'd do it just for the break from the kids you get for a few hours!

Charlotte, though i hate to say it I think that it is really important to keep his girlfriend 'on side'.

As a stepmum, I know that over the rocky years I have been 'the voice of reason' to my DH. Making him say sorry when he has had an arguement etc. Pointed out when he is being unreasonable with his ex (as though she can be incredibly difficult and unreasonable she isn't always,). Most of the time I have been on good terms with his ex, and I know that this has been beneficial for DSS.

But the one period when we fell out my DH and her relationship went on a downwards turn.

Not saying that I am some kind of miracle worker, but unfortuantely men tend to only listen to 'the' woman and only have space for one. She which ever woman that is has a big influence on their behaviour.

I am in NO way condoning this but telling it like it is.

So I if I was you I would actively encourage getting to know her, invite them round for lunch etc.. then when things are going well bring up the drop off and see if you can get a reasonable compromise between you.

good luck, sounds like you are doing well in a difficult situation.

Well given he's got 5 other kids in addition to the two he's got with the OP, I should think he doesn't really need any more but that's by the by. The point is that he's prioritising another child over his own. There is no other man in the OP's life who's acting like a dad.

With respect I think your situation sounds entirely different so I'm not sure your spin is that relevant.

My brother and I have never had a problem with my dad's OW - now his DW - but since they've been "officially" together, we've only ever seen him without her once in 8 years. And we're in our 20s! Sooner or later, not only is OP still going to be feeling awkward, but so will the DCs.

It might help if you could bring this up between just yourself and XP by meeting somewhere in public, on "neutral ground" (cafe, park, wherever) to discuss the DCs, possibly making it a regular thing if necessary. Don't be afraid to make it clear that you are inviting him and only him.

GF sees that as a "date"? Not your problem. The only reason you need to give is that he is the only other parent of your DCs.
GF thinks he's taking too long to collect? Not your problem. Don't let him rush the DCs for her sake.
GF and her DD can't fit into the car too? Not your problem. Doing half of collections or drop offs is only fair.

You're giving them an inch and they're taking a mile. There is only one way this can go without you nipping it in the bud: on and on and on. You might think you'll sacrifice more than you'll win, but only recently have you gone to all this trouble for a man who, after a fortnight, can only seem to afford his DCs 20 minutes.

Think about it...

He should be focusing on his children while he's with them.

Charlotte, I think you are a chocolate coated saint the way you look after your x's gf's daughter some times.

Could you go out for a coffee while he's with them, on condition that he spends the time with them. How can he give the children his full attention with a moody girlfriend and older child in the background?!

YANBU. I think they are taking the piss, again!

Just to clear up something here, I am a mum as well as a stepmum. I have no agenda, except to see the other side of the coin, although FWIW Charlotte's ex does sound a bit of an idiot.

A point occurred to me in bed last night (see that's how sad I am). When a mother gets a new partner and moves them in with her, that new partner automatically assumes the role of pseudo-dad. He gets to spend time with the children every day, read them stories, put them to bed etc. and really build a relationship. Sometimes, from my experience, the children even have to start calling him Dad.

When the father gets a new partner, or even a wife, she is not expected or allowed to have a similar role in the children's lives. In fact, she can be deemed selfish or possessive if she tries. Does that not strike anyone as rather out of kilter and unfair?