To feel a bit akward that everytimg exp comes over to see the dc's his gf comes too.

[spookycharlotte121]

Exp came over to see the kids tonight because he hasnt seen them in about 2 weeks. He could only stay for about 20 mins so I made sure tea and bath etc was out of the way so he could spend the time playing with the kids before bed. When I answered the door he asked if it was ok if his gf and her dd came in. Im not the type of person who would say no as its chilly out and would be unfair on her dd, but on the other hand I feel a bit angry that she came too. I mean me and his gf arnt best buddies but we are on good terms with one another and I would hope that she trusted me and exp together.

Every time he collects the dcs she is waiting in the car with her dd and if he takes too long she phones him and gets cross. I feel a bit angry that she doesnt want us alone together. He cant ever pick both kids up now because there is not enough space in the car for exp, his gf , her dd and my 2 dcs car seats. So now I have to drop off and collect the kids which is slightly anoying and rather inconvenient.

If his gf didnt come in the car with him then he would be able to collect both children but she doesnt let him come here alone. She and I have spoeken in great detail about what happened between me and exp and what he did to me so she if perfectly aware that I would never get back with him so why does she have to watch us like a hawk.... I just dont get it and I dont know how to deal with the situation. I think it is quite rude of her to just turn up at my house and assume its ok for her to come in but like I previously said I would never say she couldnt come in. Oppinions please. Am i being pathetic?

Life's not fair. Divorce is not fair. What children usually want (although they don't feel they can say so, for fear of upsetting the grown-ups), is for their parents to live together. Tough. That ain't gonna happen. Fairness is something I think we feel a real, basic need for, which is why people really lose perspective when they feel cheated of it, but fairness is actually something quite rare. I don't think adults should wind themselves up about fairness, you could go mad reflecting on injustice.

Twinklemegan - I think step-parents have to be very clear that they are not the child's parent in circumstances where that parent is still very much around. Obviously if they are a feckless waste of space then that's different.

Being a step-parent is not the same as being a parent and actually if my partner's children started calling me mum (we're not together any more but if they had) I'd have corrected them sharpish. As it happens, they were very careful to make sure I was very aware that I was not their mum, especially if I was telling them off

Anyway - this is all beside the point. The point is that the OP and her ex have children together and have things she would rather discuss without his new partner being there. Her children also cannot fit in the car if he brings his new partner and her DD to collect the children when they are going to stay with him.

It seems to me to be eminently sensible for the new partner to stay home when he goes to collect his kids. It's just a matter of practicality as much as anything else surely?

Agree with SpiceMonster.

Re. your point TM, if the parent whom the children live with gets a new partner, and he or she chooses to allow the new partner to move in, the children are forced to recognise the new partner's role in their lives, whether as step-parent or just someone they live with. They have no choice because the parent they live with has taken this decision on their behalf whether they like it or not.

But when the NRP has a new partner, it does not necessarily follow that the children have to meet this person straight away or indeed spend any time with them. Because they don't live with the new partner of the NRP, there is no specific need for them to meet them at all, indefinitely. Of course, most people would wish their children to meet their new partner at some point and to grow to accept them, but that is a different issue.

This may seem inequal between the Parent with Residence and the NRP, and it is often the father who is the NRP, but it's not about equality for the parents, it's about what's best for the children first, and then everyone else concerned. If children lived with their father and the mother got a new boyfriend, the father would feel wary about his children meeting him.

Whatever the background, regardless of whose decision it was to part, when you have had a relationship breakup, it is not uncommon to be a bit suspicious about people playing happy families (maybe this is wrong but you can see why people have mistrust).

Someone in Charlotte's situation with children who are only little, one is a baby, and an ex who does not sound very responsible, are bound to feel very protective of their children.

As it turns out, none of this is relevant to the OP. Charlotte is very generous towards and tolerant of her ex and his new partner. She just wishes that she could have some privacy to speak to him alone about their children instead of having to always speak to him in front of his new partner who has no formal role or responsibility in her children's lives. The fact that she is always present suggests that his new partner has a problem of some kind.

Under any circumstances, it is irritating to have to treat two people as one. Such inseparable 'TomKat' couples should get a life (or rather some kind of separate lives).

To me, it seems that Charlotte's ex and his new partner are ganging up on her, two against one. To criticise her for not being dressed, when the new partner arrived uninvited, is outrageous.

Don't remember saying I thought a stepmum should be called mum . Quite the opposite in fact.

That's not on to criticise you for not being dressed. The last time we were at dsd's house her mum apologised for still being in her dressing gown at 4pm on a Saturday and I told her not to be daft, that we often have "pyjama days".

I was almost always around at contacts with dsd from the start. There had been a 2 year gap before dh started seeing her again as he'd had to get a court order. In that time we had met and started living together. And as the contact order was building up to staying contact at my home (and mine in the sense that I owned it, rather than dh) it was important that I got to meet her and formed a relationship with her.

I was chatting to dsd (13) about this the other day, having read another thread on here where people were saying that the NRPs new partner shouldn't be around. She said that she hadn't minded me being there and that she didn't feel it affected her re-forming her relationship with her Dad. She had never felt jealous and that I was taking time away that she should be having with her Dad.

TM - sorry if I misunderstood. I read this: "when a mother gets a new partner and moves them in with her, that new partner automatically assumes the role of pseudo-dad. ... Sometimes, from my experience, the children even have to start calling him Dad."

You didn't criticise it (you said it was unfair if it didn't apply the other way round) so I assumed you were saying it was desirable.

Sorry I should have added a or an after that sentence. I thought the "having" to call him Dad bit would explain - it is so so upsetting for DH to hear this, I can't tell you.

There are lots of things I think are unreasonable of the ex and the gf here. I agree that any criticism about what Charlotte does or doesn't do in her own home is outrageous.

However, I don't agree that we should all just accept the inequalitites in the roles of the two step-parents. Your point, Skyatnight, about the children having no choice about who the mother moves in is precisely my point. Why is the PWC allowed to have no consideration for her children's feelings when an NRP doing the same thing is vilified? And why should the NRP not be allowed a family life that includes his new wife and his children?

And one more thing - nooOOOnki made the point before that a mother really needs the stepmum on side and really should be encouraging her to have a good relationship with her stepchildren. Apart from anything else, the stepmum could well find herself picking up the tab for those children in the future (been there, done that, got the debt to prove it) and believe me she will be much less resentful of this if she herself has some kind of relationship with them. Sorry if that sounds selfish, but it's human nature I'm afraid.

It is human nature and it is not necessarily fair how people behave and any parent, whether their children live with them or not, should be careful and considerate and sensitive towards their children's feelings when meeting a new partner and involving them in the family. I am a single parent (as you might have guessed) and I certainly wouldn't impose a new partner on my child without a lot of soul-searching and making sure that I was very sure about the relationship and its permanency first. Not all single parents are like this, it is true.

As I said, I don't understand why a step-parent would not allow her partner to see their children on their own, if it is in the best interests of the child. Yes, the NRP may want his partner with him for his own comfort but his wants and needs are not as important as his children's and if he doesn't think about this then he is being selfish.

Of course, there are different situations and exceptions and you could argue that the sooner the children accept the new partner, the better and the more fun the contact visits become for everyone from that point onward. This will be true in many cases but the principle remains that it should be about what is best for the children, not the NRP or a new partner, or the PWC, and having to spend time with your parent's new partner when you have not yet accepted that your parents' relationship is over is not necessarily the best thing.

"Apart from anything else, the stepmum could well find herself picking up the tab for those children in the future"

You don't just find yourself picking up the tab for someone else's children, you choose to do that and on the whole, you don't do it at the invitation or request of the children's mother. Therefore the idea that she should feel some kind of obligation to you on that basis, is frankly appalling.

Really? Well when my DS goes without clothes so she can f*ck off on holiday with her DH, I'm sorry but she better bloody well feel some obligation to me.

When the NRP is out of work, who exactly do you think pays the bill? And I'm not aware the CSA has ever given a choice in this matter. Are you?

Don't anyone dare attack me about this one. Me and my son have gone without basic essentials for years in order to meet this woman's demands. I love my DH and I love my stepchildren - that's why I'm still around taking the sh*t.

But thank God you're not bitter and twisted, or self-righteous, about it.

Sorry, it does sound like the mother of your dsc is a selfish cow. But don't confuse your situation with that of others. It is invalid to assume that your situation is typical.

Sadly, when you fall in love with someone, you have to deal with all their baggage as well. I don't know whether you fully realised what you were getting into but it sounds as if you have been very unlucky in that respect. At least you are happy in your relationship. And you know that you have treated your dsc fairly and kindly so you have done the right thing. That is something to be proud of even if the mother of the child wouldn't understand.

The CSA is rubbish. They make loads of mistakes and persecute the wrong people while letting others get away with paying nothing. There's no morality to it, just a bunch of one size fits all rules which, in many cases, are unfair.

Bitter? Yes I guess I am (I certainly sound it on here).

Twisted? Hopefully not.

Self righteous? Well actually no, although perhaps it came over that way. There is a load of history to this which I will never go into on Mumsnet.

Anyhow, I know this has deviated far beyond the OP (which I did sympathise with in fact). As ever, I find it very hard to stand sit by and let sweeping generalisations go without countering them. Then I get a bit too involved, and unfortunately after everything that's gone on this woman brings out the worst in me. On Mumsnet that is. In real life I am the voice of calm and reason when it comes to this issue - honestly.

Actually, any bitterness is genuinely on behalf of my stepchildren because as far as I can see they are not benefitting from the money. That is what winds me up. The youngest is pretty much forced to drop out of college so she can "get a job". The eldest is left to fend for herself with a young child when she desperately needs help that we can't afford to give because the ex gets all our money.

Anyhow, that's it. I'm off to bed. 18 months ago I had to ban myself from breast/bottle feeding threads. Now I think I better ban myself from these sorts of topics too. Perhaps I should just get myself banned full stop...

Well if you are going to get yourself banned then I will have to too. We all have topics which touch a raw nerve. This being one of mine. Mumsnet is a good, safe place to rant about our frustrations. Free therapy and all that... Sleep well.

Heya, thanks for all the advice. I went away for the weekend so have only just been able to catch up on all the comments.

Some one suggested earlier that I invite the gf over for lunch but I dont think that would really be a good idea. I dont think it would be healthy to get too pally with my ex and his gf. My ex is a total cock who made my life a missery but is a total charmer and anyone who meets him finds it difficult to believe how he treated me because he comes across as a fun, nice guy which infact he isnt.
I have already said I would like to have a good relationship with his gf beacuse if they do get married then she will be a definate part of their lives and so it would be good for us to get along. But that said I think that there have to be boundries with this... Ie no more discussing what a cock my ex is, which we have done on a few occasions and which I now realise isnt going to get either of us anywhere.
I dont even have a problem with his gf being present at the contact times, helping out and joining in. the issue I have is that she seems to not want my ex to be alone with me which is causing a few inconveniences with transport and private discussions.
I need him to realise his responsibility to his kids not only by seeing them and bonding with them but also financially.
Every big purchase for the kids ie cots, car seats, double buggy has been made by me and me alone. I have had no help from him and I know there is no point in going to the CSA becuase he is already dodging them.
I just feel I trust his gf to be around my kids which IMO are a lot more valuable than my ex.... so why doesnt she trust me and him together. I just see it as unecessairy for her to be with him 24 7.

He has totally screwed me over this evening. He was supposed to be having the kids. I was going to drop them to him for half 8 on my way home from visiting my nan. (she lives 3 1/2 hours away) We had discussed it and agreed this and when I txt him to double check he said 8.30 was too late and that he would see them tomorrow. This is totally typical of his behaviour and this evening meant that I had to cancle my own plans of going out. just seems like a pathetic excuse to me but thats what I get with everything involving him.