To feel a bit akward that everytimg exp comes over to see the dc's his gf comes too.

[spookycharlotte121]

Exp came over to see the kids tonight because he hasnt seen them in about 2 weeks. He could only stay for about 20 mins so I made sure tea and bath etc was out of the way so he could spend the time playing with the kids before bed. When I answered the door he asked if it was ok if his gf and her dd came in. Im not the type of person who would say no as its chilly out and would be unfair on her dd, but on the other hand I feel a bit angry that she came too. I mean me and his gf arnt best buddies but we are on good terms with one another and I would hope that she trusted me and exp together.

Every time he collects the dcs she is waiting in the car with her dd and if he takes too long she phones him and gets cross. I feel a bit angry that she doesnt want us alone together. He cant ever pick both kids up now because there is not enough space in the car for exp, his gf , her dd and my 2 dcs car seats. So now I have to drop off and collect the kids which is slightly anoying and rather inconvenient.

If his gf didnt come in the car with him then he would be able to collect both children but she doesnt let him come here alone. She and I have spoeken in great detail about what happened between me and exp and what he did to me so she if perfectly aware that I would never get back with him so why does she have to watch us like a hawk.... I just dont get it and I dont know how to deal with the situation. I think it is quite rude of her to just turn up at my house and assume its ok for her to come in but like I previously said I would never say she couldnt come in. Oppinions please. Am i being pathetic?

But Jammi you're assuming the girlfriend is The Other Woman. If she isn't then I don't really see the problem, with the caveat I repeated earlier.

Twinkle - but OP is clearly resentful of what's going on. Don't see why it's unfair to breed resentment on XP's part but she just has to swallow hers. I do agree that the new gf could be a good influence on the kids, and the tendency is probably (and understandably) to blame her for things rather than him. It's the father I think should be shaping up. Also, re 'if he's working' - all I remember the OP saying was that he was not working that week when referring to one occasion. Don't know if he is in regular work or what.

SpookyCharlotte - if you hate confrontation (and I'm not keen either) then I know it might sound bad but I would cheerfully lie. Give him reasons why he can't come round suddenly without much warning, or, if you are putting the kids to bed say when he gets there 'oh, they were so tired, I couldn't keep them up'. say your car is playing up or you're low on petrol if he wants you to drop them off. Then it's up to him what he wants to do.

If you feel controlled, also how about meeting somewhere neutral? Is there somewhere like a McDs or a Starbucks somewhere between yours and his, so you could suggest you meet there, hand them over to him and then collect them a few hours later? Maybe not all the time but to save you feeling like it is always him coming into your space whenever he feels like it.

why is the girlfriend the other woman?? they are in a relationship aren't they? SO she is in fact the partner of the OP's ex. And why is it his responsibility to collect?? I would go to the ends of the earth for my ds1 to see his father but the sperm donor is not interested.

The GF's potential stepmotherly feelings have to take a backseat here, IMO. Not that I think she has them, anyway - I think she's just trying to stake her claim on 'her mayaan'.

And yes, the OP should be able to say who comes into her home.

Twinklemegan. Not jealous at all of exps new relationship or his gf having a relationship with the dc's as they spend the majority of their time with me and know Im their mummy. So its not really an issue for me.

Jammi, I am always put on the spot with letting her come in. I want to reiterate that I dont have a problem with the new gf I just find it akward with her being around at every contact session and being in the car everytime exp collects on of the dcs. It just makes me feel like Im being watched.

Twinkle kids are only 16 months and 4 months so I have to make the decision that they see exp for now but in the future if they decide not to have contact with him I would stand by their decision.
Exp isnt working atm, I am recieveing nothing in maintenance although he and his gf did buy the kids a few clothes this week which I made clear I was greatful for. I know exp doesnt like giving me cash coz he thinks I dont spend it on the kids if only you could all see what I look like! My clothes are all a million years old, my hair hasnt been cut in about 6 months, my nails are chipped and I cant remember the last time I had a night out with the girls. Oh and all my furniture has been given to me so I have no idea what he must think im spending the money on.... wine perhaps

We used to share the collection of the kids but now I do drop off and pick up because of the car issue.... which is anoying. I can hardly say no to letting exps gf in when she is stood with him on my doorstep. Im always put on the spot IYSWIM.

Regardless of whether the new partner was the 'Other Man/Woman' or not, new partners should be sensitive to the dynamics within the 'split' family. It is part of getting together with someone who already has children. Anyone with any sensitivity would hang back a bit and let the new relationships develop gradually (unless he/she were trying to control the situation and score points by it). There might come a time when things have to be forced a bit in order to faciliate some kind of relationship between the new partner and the children, or the new partner and the children's mother, but this should not be at the child's house or from the very beginning. If the new partner was the OW/man then is does add a more difficult slant to it.

Likewise, regardless of whether the new partner was the 'Other Man/Woman' or not, it is a bit inappropriate and insensitive for them to insist on being there at every contact visit right from the start. And I don't see why the parent with residence should have to tolerate this in the vein of being 'reasonable'. Because it probably isn't in the best interests of the child(ren) and it may be inconvenient or even distressing, especially if the contact visit is in the children's home.

I agree that no parent of a child should try and influence or manipulate their child into not gradually forming a happy relationship with the new partner of the other parent. That is wrong.

(Why can't I write succinctly, instead of waffle pedantically?! )

Jammi - so you'd agree with my DH's ex's approach would you, to make him do a 1000 mile double journey without even agreeing to meet half way for one of the trips? It might not say in law that the PWC has to share the responsibility, but it is certainly morally right for them to do so.

but if he isn't working how can you expect money from him?

Sorry I was busy with a waking toddler and conversation has moved on. I didn't understand this was the case right from the start. I'd agree that things need to develop gradually. I knew I'd arrived as a legitimate member of the extended family when, on the first occasion I was allowed past the doorstep when dropping off my DSDs (alone on this occasions), they started harassing me about money!

This is being blown out of proportion. Charlotte - if it was anyone else other than your ex's gf would you have taken offence at being asked if you minded them coming in? I don't think it's rude of a neighbour to knock at my door, or anyone else, so I'm still struggling to see the problem.

However the reason I care and I'm still on the thread is because this one small issue is symptomatic of a wider general attitude to ex's and their new partners.

Jammi I have my own flat now. We were still together when I got the keys in jan but i didnt move in untill feb because it was in a total state and I had to do some decorating and get flooring down before i could move in and and we had split up by then.
Oh i totally forgot to mention which might be an iportant point. He drives her car... but he drives it to work football pub etc and she doesnt go with him then.
They only live round the corner from me. takes about 5 mins in the car but isnt really walkable (lots of hills) and there are no busses that run between us.
I am watching my pennies. Im lucky that I live off my student loan which means we can buy luxuries ect but Im saving as much as possible of it atm as Im petrified with the pending recession that once I leave uni I wont be able to get a job. people dont have the money atm to pay a landscaper.

Thing is atm we are all getting along so well so I dont want to bring up this 'problem' and cause an argument. I know it might seem mad me doing all the shipping around of the kids but I find it less stressful. Her house is imaculate too and mine is always a tip.... that said she doesnt work, has a partner and only one child. Lol i always have my head stuck in a gardening book or am writing my dissertation.

TheLadyEvenStar - sensible point. I am currently in the same position as the OP with regard to clothes, hair and furniture, because the ex gets all DH's and my spare money.

TwinkleM, it is obvious from your posts that you have an agenda here (I suppose we all do but not as cut and dried as yours). Sorry but I don't think Charlotte's situation fits in with your prejudices about Parents With Residence's attitude to ex's and their new partners so I don't see it as 'symptomatic'. Nor do I think Charlotte's situation is a 'small issue'. It might be 'one' issue but it seems to be quite an important one to Charlotte and I can see why.

He cant wont get a job.... various excuses. Im entitled to £5 a week from him if he is claiming Job seekers alowance. Not much and might seem pedantic but it would buy nappied for one of the kids. every little helps and all.
Just want to point out new gf isnt rude... we have had numerous chats.... most about my ex's bahaviour and how history is repeating itself with him and her and what happened between me and him which im not sure is really appropriate.

I dont like anoyone turning up at my house unannouced really... I would never do it to anyone. I would always txt or ring and see if it was ok first. But Im kinda odd with my personal space.... My sisters were particually good at never letting me have my own space as a child so perhaps thats why Im such a freak about it.

I just dont see why she always has to be present with exp. I dont see it as necessairy and like I said there are some things I would like to discuss with exp but I always have to ring him. I had a huge phone bill last month because they dont have a land line so I have to ring his mobile. It would just make life a little simpler if he were abel to come her on his own, discuss the kids with me and then take them to his their home. Things seems to be unneccairly complicated.

I agree with at least 3 of those, in this particular case on these facts. I guess I'm playing devil's advocate a bit (sorry Charlotte) because I just get really really sick of the ex bashing and new wife bashing that goes on here on Mumsnet and elsewhere.