To think of severely punishining my six year old son

[Reallytired]

My son is nearly seven years old and is in year 2.

This week he has lost his coat, a sweatshirt, a pair of £40 clarks shoes, his PE kit and left his book bag at school. He just does not seem to care. He has lost approximately £60 worth of stuff.

My husband has been fishing things out of lost property three times this week. It has been like this every week and we are fed up. I feel my son needs a shock to learn some responsiblity.

I have told him that if he does not bring everything home he will be severely punished. The problem is thinking of a suitable punishment. I want him to remember the punishment and for it to be related to the large cost of all the items lost.

I am thinking of making him miss his mad science playscheme if he does not find his stuff. Afterall if money has to be found to pay for new shoes then its only reasonable my son loses a pleasure. We just don't have the money to be constantly buying new stuff. Or should I make him sell some of his toys to pay for the stuff he has lost?

Or am I being excessively mean?

Maybe you should tell him that if he loses something he will have to go without it
Then he will understand the consequences of his actions

CD is right - consequence-based punishments make the most sense rather than arbitary loss of an unrelated treat

IMO

I don't know about actually selling his stuff, but you could take some of his favourite toys off him (and put them away somewhere). Give him due warning and tell him what he has to forfeit next time he loses something/leaves something behind and then carry it out. Then you can tell him that if he remembers to bring everything home for the next week/fortnight/month he can have the toy back - that way you've got a stick and a carrot iyswim!

Hi RT - sorry that you're stressed.

I think you are being a little unreasonable. He's still quite young, isn't he? How easy is it for children to keep track of their stuff at that age?

I'm sure this isn't the case, as you mention your DH finding stuff in lost property, but he's not having any of it nicked off him, is he? I experienced this kind of bullying at school and my mum was cross that I'd 'lost' stuff. It took a long time (and her spotting one of my toys at my so-called 'friend's' house) before she realised what was happening. I was too ashamed to tell her.

Could you try the opposite tack and reward him when he brings everything home? Some stickers or something else small that he likes. He's more likely to comply in the long-term, I should think.

Hmmm
Think Social Services would be on your case if you sent him to school without his clarks shoes or a coat in winter. You can't have consequence based punishments in that context.

I will watch this thread with interest as my DS is always losing things. I was thinking of buying him this

But I think he'd probably lose it.

If this is an ongoing thing I think you need to talk to him about his 'systems' for keeping track of things. Some people are prone to losing stuff - I used to be. It's because I walk around thinking about something completely disconnected to what I'm actually doing. My dad is the same and it drives my mum mad. What I've done to sort the problem out is to clearly identify the things I really mustn't lose: keys, phone, phone charger, purse, diary. I have got into the habit of mentally 'clocking' where I put them down and having only a very small number of places where I allow myself to put them. Maybe your son is as chaotic as me and my dad and just needs some help with strategies for managing his stuff.

I am not proposing to send him to school without a coat or his outdoor shoes. I am proposing that he somehow financially contributes to the cost of replacement.

My son has a pair of trainers for indoors and a pair of clarks for outdoors. He has been living in his trainers. I don't think social services are going to put my son in care for wearing trainers instead of clarks, its just that these trainers have been getting a bit muddy. The school will be annoyed, because of mud, but its carpet abuse rather than child abuse.

I pick my son up from after school club and we are not allowed into his classroom to check for stuff.

I like the idea of a reward system for bringing things home ... have a list of everything he takes to school with him and give him a sticker each day he brings everything back with him.

Also, who picks him up? Do they check that he has his things before they leave school?

Personally, I think missing part of an expensive playscheme is a reasonable consequence of losing expensive stuff, assuming that you do actually have to find the money to replace it.

But working on a system with him as well, to help him improve.

And also making sure that he is actually losing it - and not having it stolen. Are you certain there isn't any unreported bullying involved. That does seem a lot of stuff to lose in one week.

He shouldn't need to be bribed. I am planing that everytime he fails to bring his stuff home he loses TV for the evening.

I don't agree with children being reward for what they should do anyway.

I appreciate how frustrating this is for you and financially problematic, but I'm not sure you realsise how commen this is?
Every day as the children walk out of my ds's year 2 class, maybe 7 will be sent back in by the person collecting them to retrieve stuff. They have a lot of stuff to remember and it's at the end of a long day.
I wouldn't punish him - he's 6 why do you expect him to comprehend monetary value? I would look for strategies. Can you speak to the person who takes them over to after school club, his teacher, give him a personal check list.Calmly remind him all the way to school.

at 6yo financially contributing

at the risk of being flamed, the more I think about this the more I think that at this age it is your job to help him stop losing things rather than just saying 'remember them' and punishing whne he doesn't

re the suggestion of going without, I was thinking more along the lines of 'Well, if you don't bring home your own sweatshirt, you won't be able to put it on tomorrow morning, so you'll have to wear last year's outgrown one / your sister's cardigan / [insert miscellaneous unattractive yet warm garment] instead until we find it.'

I told my son that the next thing he loses he will be paying to replace it .. we will take him down to the bank and take money out of his bank account

funnily enough he is now extremely careful with his stuff

I think you should be commended on your determination to help your child become more responsible for his possessions. I am sick to death of matching sweatshirts to owners who cannot be bothered to keep track of them! I wish more parents were like you. So many parents seem to think I should KNOW where their little dear's possessions are. The coat could well have been a goal post....in my experience that's often where clothes and owners poart company.....

Whoops....'part'

Agree with luckylady.
IMO you are being bit harsh and yes a bit mean, I think it would be better/easier to introduce some strategies/lists as ll says to help him keep track of his things before you punish him.
Am sure at age 6 he doesn't understand the worth/value of a £40 pair of Clarks shoes.
I think I would get a much cheaper pair as replacement if he were my DS.

disagree with all the woolly namby-pambies on here and think you should go for it

you don't need to actually do it .. but teaching your 6 year old that he has responsibilities is totally acceptable

year 2 is when they learn about money .. they should also learn its value

My son has had a history orthopedic problems, I dare not put him cheap shoes. He needs the support of well fitting leather shoes. Even his trainers are width fitted. My son's feet are H width and cheap shoes just would not fit him. He would end up with damaged feet.

Ofcourse he does not understand the value of things. He needs to be to understand.

I can't really take money out of a bank account, my son doesn't yet get pocket money. The only bank accounts we have for him are long term saving plans for university if he is bright enough.

I don't think I'm wooley, I just reserve 'punishment' for stuff like violence. I think strategies to remember and talking to the adults who care for him might be a more consructive start. I'm also feeling some empathy as I often forget things and therefore I'd expect a 6 yr old to forget more things.
I appreciate that, as my eldest who is 6 has aspergers, I don't know what to expect of a nt 6 yr old - other than I was a6yr old once myself!

it's not 'punishment' in my eyes, it's responsibility... and that is certainly the way it has been phrased to DS

I think he needs to relate the loss of his sweatshirt/coat/shoes to the loss of something he actually cares about losing. My son (5) wouldn't care if he had to go to school without his sweatshirt, but if coming home without it meant he couldn't play with his Go Gos he'd be very upset! I don't think he's too young to learn to remember to bring his belongings home from school.