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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think of severely punishining my six year old son

79 replies

Reallytired · 23/10/2008 17:46

My son is nearly seven years old and is in year 2.

This week he has lost his coat, a sweatshirt, a pair of £40 clarks shoes, his PE kit and left his book bag at school. He just does not seem to care. He has lost approximately £60 worth of stuff.

My husband has been fishing things out of lost property three times this week. It has been like this every week and we are fed up. I feel my son needs a shock to learn some responsiblity.

I have told him that if he does not bring everything home he will be severely punished. The problem is thinking of a suitable punishment. I want him to remember the punishment and for it to be related to the large cost of all the items lost.

I am thinking of making him miss his mad science playscheme if he does not find his stuff. Afterall if money has to be found to pay for new shoes then its only reasonable my son loses a pleasure. We just don't have the money to be constantly buying new stuff. Or should I make him sell some of his toys to pay for the stuff he has lost?

Or am I being excessively mean?

OP posts:
J2O · 23/10/2008 20:45

actually i think YANBU, how about some type of checklist for him to have with him? a laminated card or something.

OrmIrian · 23/10/2008 20:53

I think carrot and stick.

Find ways to help him remember - practice his check list in the mornings so that he has the right things to go to school, and tell him to do the same after school.

Make sure everything is labelled

Speak to afterschool club about this problem.

At the same time make it crystal clear what the consequences will be if this continues. Give him a week to sort himself out. He needs a motive to get it right, as he doesn't care enough himself, and getting cross (I assume you have, I would) doesn't help. Then carry out the sanction if things don't change - whatever you choose it to be.

It's way too much to have to replace all that stuff on a regular basis. I'd really struggle to replace all that in one go. I have dippy DC but they rarely lose anything.

Pannacotta · 23/10/2008 21:12

There's no need to get shirty just because most people think it would be wrong/unreasonable to severely punish a 6 year old for losing stuff...

seeker · 23/10/2008 21:22

If you can't go into the class room to help him find stuff in the evening, then go in the morning. He's 6, not 12. He's got a lot to think about, most of it more important (in his mind) than where his coat is.

Buy a replacement coat from a charity shop. Better for the planet and you won't be stressed about the cost if it only cost 3.99 to start with.

JuxBackFromTheDead · 23/10/2008 21:27

Please be reasonable. Your son is very young and his frontal lobes haven't really developed yet, which means he will not be wholly capable of thinking ahead, planning etc. The frontal lobes are not fully developed until the mid/late teens. He is very young. He can't remember everything. Lots of kids lose stuff all the time in y2 and y3. Please do not be unkind to him and expect adult abilities from him. His brain really isn't developed enough yet.

tearinghairout · 23/10/2008 21:28

Could you speak to whoever deals with 2nd hand uniform at the school & ask them to keep things in his size back for you.

But the pedant in me is intrigued by 'punishining' - are you going to polish him??

Tiggiwinkle · 23/10/2008 21:30

I can't believe anyone would want to "severely punish" their 6 year old for losing things....good grief

dittany · 23/10/2008 21:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

frankbestfriend · 23/10/2008 21:34

yabu

He is only 6, I would be praising the times he does remember and not making a massive deal when he doesn't.

Agree it's very annoying, but it is perfectly usual for a 6 year old to be unable to be completely responsible for all their belongings.
At that age his stuff is still your responsibility imo.

Monkeytrousers · 23/10/2008 21:49

Twig, teaching your 6 year old that they have resonsibilities is reasonable of course it is. But there is a mddle ground here. He is only 6 and cannot be expected to remember things like an adult., He does not experience the world as an adult. There are age approipriate resonsibilites where a chiuld can learn to be self resourseful.

If his parents are fed up then they'd better get ready for a lot more misery if they think breakling a childs spirit is the way to get them to be more self reliant.

The techniques in the book aren't mamby pamby, they are basic psychology that work on all relationships not just with kids. It depends on what your own expections of life are I suppose. I'd rather encourage my kids to be independent, self reliant adn happy than miserable and obedient.

Lauriefairycake · 23/10/2008 21:53

Give him a tick list with pictures so that he can see the list at the end of the day and remember everything on it.

And he's too young to remember more than about 3 items.

mumeeee · 23/10/2008 23:05

Yabu. Yes it is annoying but he is only six. At this age he needs help finding his things.

DeadTall · 23/10/2008 23:36

He's only 6! IMO he needs help with keeping track of his things, not punishment. Why not teach him the skills he needs - where to look, who to ask for help, hints and tips for keeping his bits & pieces together - at home as well as at school? Why not be encouraging when he succeeds & praise him for bringing everything home? Best not to frighten him with harsh punishments or you may end up with a worried, anxious boy who is afraid to tell his Mum about things that have gone wrong.

And - label EVERYTHING!!! Economise on things that he needs for school wherever you can to minimise the impact on your finances. Insist on going into school to look for things. Raise it with his teacher. Explain what the issues are and if you have no joy, go to the head teacher.

Good luck

tryingtoleave · 24/10/2008 09:13

I used to lose things all the time (and I have started again over the last few years of pregnancy and sleep deprivation). My parents would get very very angry and punish me. It didn't stop me losing anything (I seem to be just disorganised and my father is actually worse); I would just try to pretend I hadn't lost anything which just led to more problems and more trouble with my parents. I also think that it has actually made me less concerned about losing things and material goods generally, because their response seemed so out of proportion to what I had done. Eventually, and this was late in high school, I developed a technique of always looking behind me when I left a classroom, bus, train etc. This seemed to help.

onthewarpath · 24/10/2008 09:35

I feel for you. Not only for the money issue but it is DRAINING to have to think about everything for all the family. I was about to write that reasonnable punishment would be the right thing but... after reading Tryingtoleave 's post I changed my mind. Should we try giving our children a "technic" to remember things.I say we because am going through the same thing for years with DD1 now in year 5 (do not despair your Ds might learn quicker). I will certainly try the ALWAYS LOOK BEHIND one for a while.

Pitchounette · 24/10/2008 09:50

Message withdrawn

onthewarpath · 24/10/2008 09:59

Pitchounette. I love the nickname I call my daughter like that...Where are you from? On a different note,I do blame myself for DD as I think I have done things for her so much it may be hard to break the habit. It might be easier to try on a 6 yrs old...

scaryteacher · 24/10/2008 10:36

My 13 yo ds is always forgetting things and not bringing them home from school. It winds me up, especially when he fibs about where things are, but he knows if he loses his favourite sweatshirt, there will not be another one and he'll have to wear something he doesn't like.

I think it's a boy thing and I've been trying to work on ds's organisation for years without too much success. I live in hope it will get better.

I think you have to do a little check list for him like I do for ds when we leave the house, brain; credit card; willy; rucksack; locker key; lunch pack. Punishing hasn't worked for me, but not replacing things like sweatshirts has.

orangina · 24/10/2008 10:43

I was a massively disorganised child (and possibly still am as an adult), and I found it a real struggle. It wasn't a case of not caring, it was genuinely something I struggled with. To this day, I wish I had been given a bit of help and understanding in trying to get more organised. Punishing would have made me feel more misunderstood. Perhaps some kind of strategy can be agreed on, and if it transpires that he's not trying (because at the end of the day, that's all you can really expect from a 6 year old...), then you can go down the consequences road...

Ripeberry · 24/10/2008 10:51

Sorry, but it sounds like he's having stuff nicked off him and he's too ashamed to tell you.
How can shoes disappear? Why are bits of his uniform going missing everyday?
When i was at primary some of the kids used to think it funny to pinch my coat from the cloakroom and hide it in school classroom cupboards and things.
Have a really good GENTLE talk with him first see if he wants to open up.
If he sees you all angry he is just going to clamp up and feel like "what's the point?" which is the signal you're getting from him.
Other suggestions on the thread about "losing" one of his toys for a few months is good, as it would teach him responsibilty, but PLEASE do talk to him.

Cheesesarnie · 24/10/2008 10:58

blimey my ds1 would be permantly being 'punished'!and hes year older(maybe i should stick him in jail?).kids forget things-its what they do.its the parents job to help them remember.yes its frustrating but thats life with a child.

im actually forgetful too-i wonder if i should be punished.sorry severely punished.

J2O · 24/10/2008 12:13

of FFS why does the mumsnet jury always have to get on their high horses about certain words used? she was pissed off that her son had lost, and keeps losing stuff and so maybe worded it wrongly. By all means suggest helpful ways of tackling the issue but to go on about the 2 words that op used in her title and not even try to help... whats the fucking point of posting apart from to make yourself feel smug.

botherednanny · 24/10/2008 12:28

it does seem a bit harsh to 'severly punish' a 6 year old for losing things... I'll admit the first thing I thought is that someone was taking/hiding his stuff, I think rather than reading the riot act to him, maybe a gentle talk as to where the stuff is going+how things are at school is needed. maybe an activity where you both sit down+talk about school+prehaps ask him to draw/paint a picture of his 'school day' with you - sorry if that sounds a bit poncy lol, I'm in the middle of an NVQ LOL

these comments - "I don't agree with children being reward for what they should do anyway" - well why not? how will he ever learn that it is expected for him? were you excited when he took his first steps? did you reward him with praise? well why, if its 'something he should be doing anyway?
"The only bank accounts we have for him are long term saving plans for university if he is bright enough" - it seems like you are setting your son up to fail. I think you need to concentrate less on the negative+more on the positive things he does.

sorry for the long post!

ScottishMummy · 24/10/2008 12:31

what about instead of punishment do praise when he does return home with all items

eg he has his fave tea,watch dvd etc

are their any cues or recurrent themes around losing eg is too excited, stimulated about activity so forgets. certain days etc

is he losing them or is someone taking his stuff.

what acccount does he give

i understand why you would be stressed that is a lot of pricey items

Cheesesarnie · 24/10/2008 22:22

was that amained at me J2O?