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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think of severely punishining my six year old son

79 replies

Reallytired · 23/10/2008 17:46

My son is nearly seven years old and is in year 2.

This week he has lost his coat, a sweatshirt, a pair of £40 clarks shoes, his PE kit and left his book bag at school. He just does not seem to care. He has lost approximately £60 worth of stuff.

My husband has been fishing things out of lost property three times this week. It has been like this every week and we are fed up. I feel my son needs a shock to learn some responsiblity.

I have told him that if he does not bring everything home he will be severely punished. The problem is thinking of a suitable punishment. I want him to remember the punishment and for it to be related to the large cost of all the items lost.

I am thinking of making him miss his mad science playscheme if he does not find his stuff. Afterall if money has to be found to pay for new shoes then its only reasonable my son loses a pleasure. We just don't have the money to be constantly buying new stuff. Or should I make him sell some of his toys to pay for the stuff he has lost?

Or am I being excessively mean?

OP posts:

Twiglett · 23/10/2008 18:28

I went for money because DS is inordinately interested in money and what he can buy with it and working out whether to have x number of trading cards or a football magazine etc

Original poster

Reallytired · 23/10/2008 18:30

It is all labelled, but is the hassle factor. Even so labelling all your children's clothes does not guarentee that you get them back. Generally we get back about 80% of the stuff that he loses inspite of fanantical labelling.

OP posts:

themildmanneredjanitor · 23/10/2008 18:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

luckylady74 · 23/10/2008 18:36

I think I'm very responsible, but I do forget things and have been known to lock myself out and so forth. I do try to learn from these things eg I've now left a key with a neighbour!
I think talking to people involved with him and helping him remember and yes talking to him about what a palaver and financial pain it is to go and buy yet more shoes, is the way to go. I think removing him from a holiday activity is just awful, no tv is more immediate as a consequence I suppose - but is it a good place to start?

skidoodle · 23/10/2008 18:42

I think the systems suggestion is a very good one, whether you go the woolly or non-woolly route wrt to consequences for not putting the system properly into place.

I'm always losing things too, always have, but like fabsmum I have developed strategies so I never lose the things I really need.

e.g. I always keep tabs on where my phone is. I always keep my house keys in my bag and I have a place where I put my bag when I get home. Even in my bag I have places where things go so I can see immediately if anything is missing.

I once had a week like your son's just had when I was in college! I remember a friend pointing out that if I continued to lose jackets at that rate I would need to buy hundreds to get me through the year.

LittleBellaLugosi · 23/10/2008 18:42

Do you do a checklist with him when he comes out of school?

If you're not allowed in the classroom, keep sending him back until he finds the item

themildmanneredjanitor · 23/10/2008 18:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

anyoneelse · 23/10/2008 18:49

Our infant school cloakroom area is absolute chaos. Perfectly reasonable that someone would lose things in there every day as far as I can see. All squished onto pegs which cannot possibly hold a coat, PE bag, swim kit, cardigan, hat etc so they fall off all the time into a jumble on the floor and the boys then take delight in throwing them about everywhere.
And of course everyone's stuff looks the same.
I go in regularly to sort stuff out for DD. End up sorting out half the other children's stuff as well.
And last week my son came home in Child A's trousers. Child A apparently came home in child B's trousers (which were 2 sizes too small), child B had my son's trouser's on. It took about a week for us to work this out and get things back to their rightful owners.
I am also guilty of not looking at stuff which comes home and only discovering days or weeks later that DS has been wearing someone else's coat for a while. >

I think you need to encourage responsibility but also be realistic and give practical help and reminders.

infin · 23/10/2008 18:55

Big loops on neck of sweatshirts and coats help to hang them up. Kids tend to balance these items precariously on pegs and they always fall off. A pain to do but may pay dividends....

alphabetsoup · 23/10/2008 19:21

For larger more expensive items I cut two name tapes out together and make them into ds's hanging loop for the school pegs. easier for him and reduces the chance of another child accidentally taking home his blazer/coat etc.

thisisyesterday · 23/10/2008 19:37

just want to echo the person who asked earlierLP

when you pick him up do you make sure he has everything????>?

if he doesn't then catch the teacher and say , ds doesn't seem to have his jumper or whatever, can we look for it please?

it's not hard is it?

I think punishing a 6 yr old for forgetting things is very harsh. if he is just a forgetful chap then he will still forget them, and just keep geting punished even though he fcan't help it.

that'll be great for your relationship with him

edam · 23/10/2008 19:46

I understand it is annoying but am with the people who say you should be helping him work out ways to avoid forgetting things. It's no good punishing him if he doesn't know how to get it right. He's only six - draconian punishments more appropriate for an older child who should know better IMO. Missing the mad science course is quite a big punishment.

Sounds like it's the transition from school to after school club and from after school club to home that is the problem.

hullygully · 23/10/2008 19:48

Accept it. It doesn't get any better. Buy 75 of everything (secondhand) and go with the flow. Be pleased to see whatever does make it home.

abear · 23/10/2008 19:48

My DS is also 6 in Y2 and we had the same problem until I told him that if he still had everything at the end of term he could get a new DVD he particularly wanted - he never lost another thing. I think they don't attach value to their possessions and my DS was only able to attach importance to them when he related not losing anything to being rewarded. Another term and a half has gone by since and he hasn't lost a single thing, we didn't need to keep rewarding him as he was in the habit of keeping track of everything by then - hope that helps.

Original poster

Reallytired · 23/10/2008 19:53

I work, and my son goes to the school after school club. His teacher has gone home by the time I have picked him up. Its not an option to see his teacher at 5pm. It is why his classroom is locked.

Thirty years ago many children in year 2 walked to and fro from school on their own. I am not asking a lot of my son to remember his bl88dy stuff. I am not made of money and I think its only right that feels the financial pinch when he loses stuff.

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 23/10/2008 19:55

oh ok, it's one of those is it?

you're right we're wrong and whatever anyone says you're going to insist you're right?

so, why ask?

QuintessentialShadows · 23/10/2008 19:57

I threatened my son that we would have to go and buy him some really ugly and uncool cheap shoes, instead of his nice clarks ones.

That put the fright in him.

Scare your son that lost items will be lost with the cheapest and most uncool replacement you can find, as you cant afford to replace at the same quality and coolness level.

Heated · 23/10/2008 20:10

Can an 6yr old feel the financial pinch?

Boys twice his age and older and they are notoriously forgetful with their belongings; two last term managed to lose their cricket bags which are as large as they are and have to be wheeled along - how, I don't know. And not cheap either.

Incentivize imo at that age, so it becomes important to him & then hopefully just habit. Maybe a chart, with each item which he ticks off when he comes through the door and divests of his belongings and uniform? And reward with treats you were planning on doing anyway?

Scarletibis · 23/10/2008 20:12

I think a night missing TV would be a fair punishment for losing something - and may make him think.

But how does he manage to lose so much? Is it at the after school club - because IME of school they are fairly good at having systems so that kids don't lose things.

Perhaps if you can find out when in the school day he loses stuff you can help him not to more?

foxinsocks · 23/10/2008 20:17

oh my two forget stuff all the time. We are infamous at school. We both work too. Mine often come back in winter with just a shirt on and no sweatshirt or coat. Ds lost his winter coat this year grrrrr. Was SUCH a nice coat. Got it in a sale last year. He survived 2 weeks without one and I just got him a new one (which I had to pay full price for grrr) but he knows that it won't happen again.

Some people are absent minded. We are ALL a bit like that. It's infuriating but I can promise you, at 6, he is not doing it deliberately.

Also what you MUST do is that if you are losing a lot of uniform, AND it is named, take some unnamed stuff out of lost property to replace the lost stuff.

Josie3 · 23/10/2008 20:26

IMO whatever punishment you decide on for lost belongings (sp?) it would be unfair to use them for these instances as he's had no warning previously.

Miyazaki · 23/10/2008 20:28

I know it is annoying. I work and use ASC. And it is a continual battle to get the stuff back. At the moment we are down a coat, which seems to have gone home with somebody else. I understand the urge to issue a consequence of some kind but tbh losing the mad science thing is a bit ott, plus not related in any way to the 'crime'. I think the long day is tiring for them, they don't have that person telling them to go back and get stuff straight away, and it is so so so common. I would go with the chart incentives approach, it'll be less stressful for you too. And yes kids used to walk to school etc etc, but they also forgot stuff too (even with the punishment of a good whacking). Well, I know my brother and I both did.

Monkeytrousers · 23/10/2008 20:34

If Cod was here she's say read this. it is the book parentline use as a manual and helps you see what are age appropriate expectations for kids - like losing stuff at school. I think they say 6 is still very young to be expected to understand that and helps you with ideas on how to help them become more responsible - for their age!

harpsichordcarrier · 23/10/2008 20:34

yes, you are being very unreasonable.
it really is a bit bonkers to suddenly expect a six year old to be "shocked" into getting some responsibility.
six year olds need a bit of time and help to learn responsibility. yes, of course you can come down on him like a ton of bricks but, imo, he won't really understand, he will resent it and feel angry and it will affect your relationship with him in a negative way.
yes, he needs to learn responsibility, so why not try and agree something together, e.g. that he has a checklist of everything he needs before he leaves, that he is rewarded for bringing everything home, that he goes back and looks for things if they are lost.
people lose things all the time. I lose things all the time. and I am not six.

Monkeytrousers · 23/10/2008 20:35

and punishement won't work. Helping him will.

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