damn wedding

[HarlotOTara]

Have buggered this up once so hope I have submitted this correctly now.

Am going to a close family member's wedding soon and am already resentful of having to fork out several thousand for flights, accomodation etc. and having to take my kids out of school (and we can't really afford this). I have now received an email saying that the happy couple don't want presents but would like us (all guests I suppose) to contribute towards their honeymoon costs. I don't care if I am unreasonable as this has really pissed me off, however I would be interested in other opinions. Happy couple are comfortably off and are going somewhere exotic for their honeymoon. Unfortunately unless I get divorced I am obliged to go!

[HarlotOTara]

Sorry but I do think big weeddings are over-rated and am sure the money could be better spent in some other way - just my view and I am sure others disagree. I also think even if it is a close family member that a honeymoon is a luxury and not something you should expect others to contribute to. If that puts me on a par with Snow White's step-mother then so be it.

It is the fact that their wedding is causing such financial outlay which we can't afford that is really getting me. The credit crunch is crunching hard at the moment.

[traceybath]

I guess its up to your DH though as its his son. I'd perhaps suggest a different gift but if it was my child i'd want to buy them something pretty nice for their wedding.

Its tricksy - i think its going to be one of those things where you just have to bite your lip and be dignified.

Do you get on well with your step-son? I do understand though that a forced holiday with your DH's ex-wife isn't going to be a ball .

[alicet]

OK so your view is that big weddings are over the top and unneccessary. You will probably find lots will agree with you. But ffs it is your stepson and this makes it very different.

Please stop putting your dh in this awful postion but spitting nails at him about this. It is his son and if he wasn't prepared to move heaven and earth to go to his wedding (even if it is in dubai and expensive) I personally think you would have a lot more to worry about.

What will you do if your own dc decide to have a flash expensive wedding on the other side of he world? ALmost certainly give as much as you can by way of a contribution and be there with a generous present to boot. So give your dh the same respect.

I think you need to put your own feelings aside on this one and leave it up to your dh how he handles it and support him all the way.

[alicet]

I expect ost of the people who said YANBU before they found out it was your stepson would have responded very differently if you had included this information at the beginning by the way.

Marrying someone with children means either accepting them as your own or at the very least supporting them to be as good a parent as they cn and giving them everything you would hope for your own children

[blueskyandsunshine]

lol at ceramic otters and get thee there

yanbu

[lulumama]

totally agree with alicet

this is your stepson, who should be treated no differently to your son.

if you are a close family and you simply can;t afford a contribution to the honeymoon after paying for flights etc. then discuss it as a family

[Blu]

OP - I agree with you on every point you make about weddings, BUT for a SS you have to go along with it, whatever your personal thoughts. Your SS will be looking for uncompromising family support - sorry!

be wicked stepmother secretly deep in your mind - ouwardly do the stuff, and do it nicely.

[expatinscotland]

if it were my own son i'd have told him he was fucking crazy and we couldn't afford it and just how tacky it is to ask for money for a honeymoon from guests and have a grabby 'wishing well'.

[alicet]

Fair enough expat but I think it is harder to do this to a stepson without making it really difficult for your dh unless he is in complete agreement.

[childrenofthecornsilk]

A wishing well! I've heard everything now.

[alicet]

As another suggestion if you really can't afford to buy a preent at the moment and really object to contributing to the honeymoon why not explain you're skint after paying for the flights and instead you will get them a lovely pressie for their first anniversary instead when you have been able to save for it. As long as your dh thinks this is reasonable

[squeaver]

I hate these sort of weddings. It's all very well if you want to get married abroad but why expect everyone else to have to go too?

And as for the "wishing well" WTF??

But, but, but...this is your dh's son so it's one of those "suck it up" situations isn't it?

[RubyShivers]

ah - it is your stepson

that changes a lot - as Squeaver says you have to suck it up

[MadBadandWieldingAnAxe]

As Blu says.

It was perhaps thoughtless and selfish of your stepson to organise the wedding of the century on the other side of the world - and I agree that lavish weddings are a tad tacky - but the deed is done. I think you have to go as a family and you have to offer some sort of gift. I too would avoid contributing to the honeymoon (just as I would never give cash or vouchers) but I'd look for something personal - maybe a silver frame for one of the wedding photos?

[MadBadandWieldingAnAxe]

Will the wishing well be next to the chocolate fountain?

[kitbit]

Horrible. I hate the asking for money thing, as those who can't afford to buy much can't buy "carefully" in order to give a well thought out present, neither can they "hide" the value by clever bargain hunting or adding personal touches etc. And it's bloody cheeky considering you're forking out to go to the wedding in the first place. Doubly cheeky because they're asking you all to fund an exotic holiday.

grumble mutter

[HarlotOTara]

look hang on a minute - I am going to the wedding, I keep most of my thoughts to myself and don't actually harrass my dh about it which is why I wanted to rant on here. I wouldn't dream of harrassing him and the spitting nails was a bit tongue in cheek which didn't come over very well. My dh agrees with me about the cost etc. as I am sure others would put in the same position. However underneath it pisses me off that we are forking out so much for so little and won't be able to give a good present as a result, money only stretches so far.

The whole idea of venting my spleen on here meant that I can be sweetness and light elsewhere. My own children have been indoctrinated about the pointlessness of costly weddings already .

Don't know how many of you are in step families but they are a minefield which I think can be a nightmare sometimes but I think that is a whole different message. My dss was almost grownup when I came on the scene so I like him but don't love him

[alicet]

OK fair enough harlot if you are just needing a rant. Certainly don't think YABU about that. Sorry if my comments have been a bit harsh.

Good luck and hope you manage to have a reasonable time x

[CarGirl]

I'd like to think if one of my dc gets married abroad and I tell them we can't afford it they'd have the graciousness to tell me that if I fork out to come they don't expect a gift from me!

Really YANBU, get your dh to have a quiet word with your dss explaining that you really can't afford to contribute as you have struggled to find the £ to come in the first place.

[weenawoo]

What's the difference between asking for money towards the honeymoon or having a wedding list? I quite like it when people want money or vouchers as it makes life easier and at least you know they are getting something wanted.
I suppose it's a bit cheeky to expect a gift if it's costing a lot for you to attend though!

[roseability]

How vulgar!

YANBU!

The wedding culture really annoys me.

Rebel

[wehaveallbeenthere]

I guess a lot has changed traditionally since I was married formally.
If the Bride and Groom are "well off" then they are expected to "fly in" family that they "expect" to be there. Brothers, sisters etc. wedding party, parents etc. if they live some distance and it would be expensive.
The invitations are sent but no one is obligated to pull children out of school or take off work etc. unless they agree to for the above reasons. An R.S.V.P. is expected and perhaps a gift if the above definitely. Not if you do it (fly yourself in) at financial burden.
The wedding was the brides family's obligation. The grooms family would help if need be. The whole is to celebrate the union, not to put the rest of the family in hock.
I would think if they "are close family" they would understand this and be considerate. This sounds more like a pageant event.
YANBU.

[HarlotOTara]

here here wehaveallbeenthere - it is a tricky dilemma but my dh understandably wants to go and we are grinning and bearing it, apart from when I am an anonymous user of a website or when I compose angry cutting letters in my head

It is the pageant event bit that irritates me, why is there this need to make weddings into such ott events with everything planned to the minutest degree. The best wedding I have been to was in Scotland in a marquee lent by the local scout group with everyone pitching in to make the day work, it was fun and full of love. I will be steering my daughters that way if they wish to marry

[Upwind]

Harlot - the thing about weddings is that they are chosen by the bride and groom. I had the most wonderful wedding but I can guarantee that most people I know would have/did do things differently. There is some latin phrase about matters of taste not being disputable. If your daughters wish to marry you might find yourself again gritting your teeth as they insist on being treated like a princess, or having a wiccan ceremony, or going to Las Vegas or whatever

This is your step son's wedding, go along in good grace, and resist preventing your DH from being generous to his son and new DIL. And try not to get the hump at trivia like seating arrangnents/formal photographs the way step parents often do. Just go with the flow. As you say step families are a minefield and even books on ettiquete will disagree on the right approach. Enjoy Dubai as much as you can!!

[Lauriefairycake]

I'm sorry but I really need to know what a wishing well is for at a wedding?