damn wedding

[HarlotOTara]

Have buggered this up once so hope I have submitted this correctly now.

Am going to a close family member's wedding soon and am already resentful of having to fork out several thousand for flights, accomodation etc. and having to take my kids out of school (and we can't really afford this). I have now received an email saying that the happy couple don't want presents but would like us (all guests I suppose) to contribute towards their honeymoon costs. I don't care if I am unreasonable as this has really pissed me off, however I would be interested in other opinions. Happy couple are comfortably off and are going somewhere exotic for their honeymoon. Unfortunately unless I get divorced I am obliged to go!

[QueenofAllWildThings]

Don't get them anything - send a lovely card saying "We are so pleased that we were able to be with you today" (hint hint - it cost us a fortune).

[Boobz]

My husband and I asked for honeymoon vouchers. We were 26 when we got married and had quite a traditional wedding with over 100 guests in the countryside. We paid for most of it ourselves as neither of our sets of parents could afford to pay for everything. We didn't own a house / flat yet (I lived in a shared house in London and he lived in military barracks in Scotland) so there was no point in asking for normal house hold gifts etc. But we did want to have a special honeymoon to get our married life off to an amazing start, and couldn't afford it after we had paid all the final bills for the wedding. We said on the invite that we didn't expect presents and that the biggest gift of all was their presence! but that if they did want to contribute to a holiday of a lifetime, then this would be greatly appreciated. People bought specific things like horse riding or a meal out on the town or scuba lessons etc, and when we did the activity, we took a picture of us doing it and sent it in the thank you card to show them they really had bought us a part of a dream memory... which we felt would last longer than a toaster or set of towels etc.

But some people (including his parents and aunts) thought it was crass too and decided to buy us bowls and crystal glasses instead.

We had an amazing honeymoon and it was down to all our lovely friends and we will treasure the memories they gave us forever.

[Upwind]

"I know there is a lot of talk on here about it being the happy couple's day and we should all make it great but surely there must be a balance somewhere shouldn' there."

In the case of the parents of the bride and groom, I think you really do have to go along with their wishes and try to make it as happy a celebration as possible. And I think the same is true of any guests who choose to attend. I would and have made my excuses when invited to weddings or other parties that I considered in bad taste or too expensive. When you are invited to a party or to somebody's wedding celebration you only have two choices, decline politely or attend, and go along with whatever they want, enjoying it as much as you can. Being the stepmother makes the first option difficult for you - but I think those two choices still hold.

[HarlotOTara]

I have no idea what the wishing well is just know there is one. I will try and remember to let you know when I have seen it. however I assumed from the message that it is there for us to chuck money into.

Look I am ranting and moaning on here and I do think it is a damn cheek but I will grit my teeth and go with the flow. It is up to dh what happens about the present or lack of one and I will just go along with it honestly. However I may need a dentist for the gritted teeth and something else for the alcohol abuse to get me through the day (joking). Wish I could post more about the various partners and relationships that all have the potential to go belly-up but sadly not my tale to tell.

One final point I know there is a lot of talk on here about it being the happy couple's day and we should all make it great but surely there must be a balance somewhere shouldn' there.
Hope I'm not in danger of repeating myself....

[mazzystartled]

whilst i would normally be in the ceramic otter camp, in this case, fork out cheerfully, you have no choice
i would expect a father to ask his son what was the most appropriate or needed gift
just think yourself lucky dh doesn't feel he needs to foot half the wedding bill

[BrownSuga]

alicets' suggestion of a lovely 1st anniversary gift is a good one. Perhaps your DH could explain that, due to cost of getting there, you'd like time to save up to get them something very special.

[ANTagony]

What about air miles? Do you have any you could donate/ transfer from your Tesco clubcard or credit card etc?

Re the wording of this request is it definitely give us cash for our holiday or meant more as actually we're quite well off and we've already got towels and a toaster so instead of a gift, if you were planning to buy one, could we make the holiday extra special?

Just a thought but I had an ill faited please don't feel its necessary to bring gifts wedding but also a wedding list and just about everyone brought. The list wasn't to make people buy it was just if you feel you have to...

[BitOfFun]

Don't know, but I guess you have to make a wish for the happy couple as you cast in some more money for them

[Lauriefairycake]

I'm sorry but I really need to know what a wishing well is for at a wedding?

[Upwind]

Harlot - the thing about weddings is that they are chosen by the bride and groom. I had the most wonderful wedding but I can guarantee that most people I know would have/did do things differently. There is some latin phrase about matters of taste not being disputable. If your daughters wish to marry you might find yourself again gritting your teeth as they insist on being treated like a princess, or having a wiccan ceremony, or going to Las Vegas or whatever

This is your step son's wedding, go along in good grace, and resist preventing your DH from being generous to his son and new DIL. And try not to get the hump at trivia like seating arrangnents/formal photographs the way step parents often do. Just go with the flow. As you say step families are a minefield and even books on ettiquete will disagree on the right approach. Enjoy Dubai as much as you can!!

[HarlotOTara]

here here wehaveallbeenthere - it is a tricky dilemma but my dh understandably wants to go and we are grinning and bearing it, apart from when I am an anonymous user of a website or when I compose angry cutting letters in my head

It is the pageant event bit that irritates me, why is there this need to make weddings into such ott events with everything planned to the minutest degree. The best wedding I have been to was in Scotland in a marquee lent by the local scout group with everyone pitching in to make the day work, it was fun and full of love. I will be steering my daughters that way if they wish to marry

[wehaveallbeenthere]

I guess a lot has changed traditionally since I was married formally.
If the Bride and Groom are "well off" then they are expected to "fly in" family that they "expect" to be there. Brothers, sisters etc. wedding party, parents etc. if they live some distance and it would be expensive.
The invitations are sent but no one is obligated to pull children out of school or take off work etc. unless they agree to for the above reasons. An R.S.V.P. is expected and perhaps a gift if the above definitely. Not if you do it (fly yourself in) at financial burden.
The wedding was the brides family's obligation. The grooms family would help if need be. The whole is to celebrate the union, not to put the rest of the family in hock.
I would think if they "are close family" they would understand this and be considerate. This sounds more like a pageant event.
YANBU.

[roseability]

How vulgar!

YANBU!

The wedding culture really annoys me.

Rebel

[weenawoo]

What's the difference between asking for money towards the honeymoon or having a wedding list? I quite like it when people want money or vouchers as it makes life easier and at least you know they are getting something wanted.
I suppose it's a bit cheeky to expect a gift if it's costing a lot for you to attend though!

[CarGirl]

I'd like to think if one of my dc gets married abroad and I tell them we can't afford it they'd have the graciousness to tell me that if I fork out to come they don't expect a gift from me!

Really YANBU, get your dh to have a quiet word with your dss explaining that you really can't afford to contribute as you have struggled to find the £ to come in the first place.

[alicet]

OK fair enough harlot if you are just needing a rant. Certainly don't think YABU about that. Sorry if my comments have been a bit harsh.

Good luck and hope you manage to have a reasonable time x

[HarlotOTara]

look hang on a minute - I am going to the wedding, I keep most of my thoughts to myself and don't actually harrass my dh about it which is why I wanted to rant on here. I wouldn't dream of harrassing him and the spitting nails was a bit tongue in cheek which didn't come over very well. My dh agrees with me about the cost etc. as I am sure others would put in the same position. However underneath it pisses me off that we are forking out so much for so little and won't be able to give a good present as a result, money only stretches so far.

The whole idea of venting my spleen on here meant that I can be sweetness and light elsewhere. My own children have been indoctrinated about the pointlessness of costly weddings already .

Don't know how many of you are in step families but they are a minefield which I think can be a nightmare sometimes but I think that is a whole different message. My dss was almost grownup when I came on the scene so I like him but don't love him

[kitbit]

Horrible. I hate the asking for money thing, as those who can't afford to buy much can't buy "carefully" in order to give a well thought out present, neither can they "hide" the value by clever bargain hunting or adding personal touches etc. And it's bloody cheeky considering you're forking out to go to the wedding in the first place. Doubly cheeky because they're asking you all to fund an exotic holiday.

grumble mutter

[MadBadandWieldingAnAxe]

Will the wishing well be next to the chocolate fountain?

[MadBadandWieldingAnAxe]

As Blu says.

It was perhaps thoughtless and selfish of your stepson to organise the wedding of the century on the other side of the world - and I agree that lavish weddings are a tad tacky - but the deed is done. I think you have to go as a family and you have to offer some sort of gift. I too would avoid contributing to the honeymoon (just as I would never give cash or vouchers) but I'd look for something personal - maybe a silver frame for one of the wedding photos?

[RubyShivers]

ah - it is your stepson

that changes a lot - as Squeaver says you have to suck it up

[squeaver]

I hate these sort of weddings. It's all very well if you want to get married abroad but why expect everyone else to have to go too?

And as for the "wishing well" WTF??

But, but, but...this is your dh's son so it's one of those "suck it up" situations isn't it?

[alicet]

As another suggestion if you really can't afford to buy a preent at the moment and really object to contributing to the honeymoon why not explain you're skint after paying for the flights and instead you will get them a lovely pressie for their first anniversary instead when you have been able to save for it. As long as your dh thinks this is reasonable

[childrenofthecornsilk]

A wishing well! I've heard everything now.