damn wedding

[HarlotOTara]

Have buggered this up once so hope I have submitted this correctly now.

Am going to a close family member's wedding soon and am already resentful of having to fork out several thousand for flights, accomodation etc. and having to take my kids out of school (and we can't really afford this). I have now received an email saying that the happy couple don't want presents but would like us (all guests I suppose) to contribute towards their honeymoon costs. I don't care if I am unreasonable as this has really pissed me off, however I would be interested in other opinions. Happy couple are comfortably off and are going somewhere exotic for their honeymoon. Unfortunately unless I get divorced I am obliged to go!

[RubyShivers]

a wishing well?!

W

T

no suitable venues in the UK - they are having a LARF

get thee to the otter shop

[RubyShivers]

W T F (i missed the F - must preview)

[TheDevilWearsPrimark]

Wedding lists can be badly done too. I got an invitation last week from an old work friend and it's at selfridges. It's all missoni towels and Anya Hindmarsh, the cheapest thing is £110.

[Blu]

YANBU.

I think whoever is closest to the happy couple - your DH if it is his family mmber has to take them quietly on one side and say 'you know we would love to contribute, but we are sorry to say that coming to Dubai has used up all our resouces f this wedding - we know you will understand, and please accept this bottle of suncream'.

Don't send chppy reply - just gently tell them how i is. They are probbly high and insensible on ConfettiDust.

[unavailable]

I'm guessing this is a B or SIL's wedding. How does your dh feel? I dont think it would be in any way wrong to explain to them beforehand that you cant contribute to the honeymoon fund because you have spent all spare money (and probably more) on getting to their wedding. If it is an "in law" wedding I think your dh should do it as he could be less diplomatic. I cant believe they are so self absorbed they havent thought that the choices they have made could be v difficult for some friends and family, but if not they should have it pointed out. You could be doing other guests a favour too.

[shootfromthehip]

Tacky tat is the way forward for these people who clearly think that their lives are more important than yours. Do you cross-stitch? Can you start now? A tacky wee poem or something (and you HAVE to frame it so they HAVE to put it in their house) equally naff sounds like a nice idea. You give your time and not your arms and legs (as it were!!)

[Lurcio]

YANBU
Surely your presence should be enough of a gift?

[Laugs]

What do people think is appropriate for a wedding?

We are getting married soon. Debated endlessly about whether or not to have a gift list. We have a small and VERY cluttered flat. We don't really need anything, although all our stuff has always been secondhand, so it would be nice to have new things.

We don't have loads of money (ie can't afford a honeymoon), but I'd rather not go than upset people by asking them to pay for it. Although of course I would like one...

It just seems like a minefield of potential mistakes. If we have no list, we run the risk of people spending their money on things we don't need and won't use.

[Flum]

No I would not give towards a honeymoon unless it was a surprise treat - my DHs friends bought us a honeymoon (3 nights in Sicily - bliss) as Dhs business had just gone bust and it was the most amazing surprise and treat - I didn't know until the wedding day.

I think nice wedding gifts are personal things such as engraved silver or glasswear. A tray with a wedding photo or invitation on.

People always want money if they are worried they will split up and have to separate the presents or not want things with both their initials on - it always makes me a bit sad when people ask for money for a wedding present.

[HarlotOTara]

It is my step-son - and it is a very touchy subject at home hence my rant on here. My dh is in agreement re. the wedding and the cost of going and did attempt to point out the cost to us when we were first told of the wedding. However dh is rather defensive about it now - probably because I have been spitting nails at times. Bride's family is well off and I think she is rather like Monica from Friends regarding getting married(or a bridezilla or princess). They are expecting 100 guests from UK to attend and couldn't understand why the bride's uncle wasn't very enthusiastic.

Actually there was a point when we were seriously thinking of cancelling our summer holiday to go to this wedding. We ended up going somewhere cheaper.

Why they can't just go to a registry office and do the dastardly deed on their own god only knows. The final nail in the coffin for me is that my two dds have not been asked to be bridesmaids (a minor point maybe but it rankles). I comfort myself that my dss said he is only getting married because she wants to - he has always been anti-marriage. Do I sound bitter

[alicet]

Have to say this doesn't bother me. But I can totally see why you ae pissed off and I certainly don't think telling them you can't afford a pressie as you have used up all your savings to be there is perfectly reasonable.

When we gt married we had a gift list but we said that the guest's presence was the most important thing and that we didn't expect a present. The fact is though that most people do want to give a present so I don't think giving them an idea what you would like is so very tacky - just as long as you don't get hacked off when peopole choose to do something they want too.

I have also given money towards a honeymoon for friends and was very happy to do so. And my sister had a 'wishing well' at her wedding - he and her kiwi husband live in New Zealand and it is the custom there. Plus as they got married over here it would have been very difficult to take presents back with them.

Agree with the poster who says it depends how it was worded though - it can be tacky and graspy but if you know the circumstances of the couple (and they don't tell you this is how it is but offer it as a suggestion) and they are not like that then I think thats a bit different

[Boyswillbeboys]

I think it is outrageous to expect people to contribute to a honeymoon! The whole idea of wedding gifts in the olden days was setting the happy couple up with things they needed for their first house together surely? We didn't have a list for our wedding because we were both over 30, had all the basics and didn't really NEED anything. If people wanted to give us a present that was great, but we didn't want anyone to feel any pressure to spend a certain amount.

Recently went to a good friends wedding, she had her list at John Lewis and it was so impersonal - you just picked what you wanted from a computerised list, paid up and couldn't even collect it to wrap it personally. Left me with a nasty taste in my mouth.

[bigknickersbigknockers]

Agree totally with expat, I wouldnt EVER spend that much money attending a wedding (family or otherwise) when we as a family have never had a holiday.

[alicet]

I've just seen it's yor stepson - cross posted.

Sorry but I think that changes things. I think you really should give a present unless you actually can't afford it or you will make thing very difficult for your dh. If you don't want to give toward the honeymoon then fair enough but I think for a close relative like this you need to give something thoughtful that they will actually like (not necessarily expensive)

Although the thought of the otter or cross stich did have me pmsl!

[HarlotOTara]

Believe me I don't want to pay this money but my dh wants to be there - he brought up my dss on his own and it would be inappropriate for him to go on his own. Ex-wife etc. will be there - should be a hoot.

[HarlotOTara]

alicet - they don't want presents - just a contribution towards the honeymoon. I think a cross-stich is ideal, maybe marriage vows about for richer for poorer.

[Blu]

Step-son?

Different. Yes, I think you do need to contribute, and be gracious and nice and supportive.

And NOT bitter, and not spit nails at your DH.

[traceybath]

Totally agree with Blu. Suspect responses would have been different if you'd mentioned earlier it was your step-son's wedding.

[alicet]

OK so if you dislike the giving of money for the honeymoon then can you give it for a specific event on the honeymoon? Like meal in a specific place or a trip to somewhere they are going? Lots of holiday companies do this too but it should be fairly easy to sort if you know where they are going.

Our friends whose honeymoon we contributed to did this and sent photos of them doing the thing each guest had paid for with the thankyou card. It was really nice actually

[rempy]

Laugs, we were the same. Have a look around, see if there is anything you do really want, have a very small list. Be very very stern about not wanting off list stuff, and then give an option that makes people feel like they have done the "right thing" by getting you something.

We asked for contributions to the Woodland trust. We now have an acre of ancient english woodland protected in perpetuity, in our name. I (obviously!) think its a fab present. It chimes with our values, it is a "gift" for everyone, and it solved the getting loads of tat issues.

It is a minefield. And we still got some towels...But no cross stitch!

[beaniescreamyb]

Couldn't you stay at home with the kids?

[MmeTussaudsChmberOfChocHobnobs]

Hmm, I am a bit torn now. Stepson's wedding makes it a bit different. I was going to say, that YANBU but I guess that you are bound to give some kind of gift to your stepson, even if it rankles.

I don't particularly like giving money as gifts, unless I know that the couple really are financially strapped and this would be the only way they could afford a honeymoon.

Could you give them a more personal (yet inexpensive) gift? Something like the crossstitch, but erm, nicer.