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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to leave him and his bloody kids to it?

89 replies

WinterThyme · 19/10/2008 13:04

I posted months ago about my partner and his clingy kids. The brief history again:

He has two boys aged 18 and 14. I have two boys aged 13 and 15.

My kids are quite independant and do their own thing, army cadets, youth club, sports...his kids do NOTHING and cling to him 24/7.

He still takes his youngest to school and picks him up, if we go out, they have to come with us (the 14 year old I can understand but the 18 year old is the same, sometimes worse). If we arrange a cosy night in, the 18 year old will make a point of staying in and will sit in the living room with us all night etc. It drives me batty but I think people thought I was being unreasonable last time.

So I had a heart to heart with DP and told him that we need a break from THE KIDS. I didn't single his out, I said and meant all of them, mine included. He agreed and so we decided to book a long weekend away to London. We arranged it so that my DS2 was at camp, my DS1 would go to his grandmas and his DS's would stay here...his DS1 being in charge obviously with neighbour keeping an eye on things.

They all knew the reasons we wanted to go away, ITS NOT BLOODY ROCKET SCIENCE and they ARE old enough to understand IMO.

So guess what...2 weeks before we were due to go DP comes in and says:

"You know, I've just been talking to DS1 and he said he wouldn't mind coming with us when we go to London. He likes it there and it will be a break for him too..."

I tried to hide my frustration but I suspect I didn't do a great job. I said:

"Wasn't the whole idea of it so that we could go away ON OUR OWN???"

DP: "Yes but he won't get in the way, he'll do his own thing...."

me: "no he bloody well won't, he'll stick with us like a leech all bloody weekend because that's all he ever does!"

DP: "How would you feel if I spoke about your kids like that??"

me: "MY KIDS DO NOT CLING TO ME LIKE FFING VELCRO!"

so you get the picture...it was a bit of a blazing row and he stormed off in the end. When we'd both calmed down I said:

"Another thing, who will be looking after (his) DS2 if HE'S coming with us?"

DP: "well, would it really hurt if he came too?"

I fucking give up. So whilst mine are palmed off for the weekend, we AGAIN have his leeches tagging along with us.

So, once again...AIBU??

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 19/10/2008 13:07

Either cancel the weekend entirely or insist your DS's come too.

YANBU

MadameCastafiore · 19/10/2008 13:07

Book a girly weekend for you and a friend and let him take them to London - refuse to go completely - he sounds like a bit of a tit to be honest!

littleducks · 19/10/2008 13:08

maybe this relationship isnt working for you?

KerryMumchingOnEyeballs · 19/10/2008 13:08

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scaryfucker · 19/10/2008 13:09

YANBU

theres something kinda weird about an 18 yr old wanting to hang around with his parents

why is he not planning a boozy quiet get-together with his friends while his parents are away ???

AnarchyAunt · 19/10/2008 13:11

Do his DSs live with him? Or are they just trying to make the most of the time they get with him?

If the first, YANBU. But if the second, its harder to say.

constancereader · 19/10/2008 13:15

Agree with KerryMum - there is nothing wrong with wanting a weekend alone with your dh. The abusive language you use about his children sticks in my throat though.

scaryfucker · 19/10/2008 13:19

I think the Op is just frustrated CR

I am assuming that she doesn't use these terms in their earshot

Has no-one else been driven to distraction by teenage kids ??, and I would also say there is an undercurrent here that her dp is rather weak and easily backtracks on promises he has made

BitOfFun · 19/10/2008 13:22

it sounds like you just need a break from them, I really understand why you are so frustrated. I agree that you should go away with a friend instead. You need to discuss this issue properly with dp though, so you aren't disappointed again. Tbh, you have to get this sorted between you both, because who can afford to go away everytime they need some time alone? YANBU

lulumama · 19/10/2008 13:22

maybe his kids are 'leeches' as you so sweetly put it, as they are traumatised about their parents splitting? or going through hormonal teenage issues ? or have limited time with their dad and want to make the best of it?

i agree a weekend alone is great, and your DSS should not tag along, but refgerring to him as fing velcro or a leech is not really going to help

maybe they are not as confident as your children so don;t want to do different activities all the time

maybe you just won;t blend well as a family

Countingthegreyhairs · 19/10/2008 13:25

I shouldn't be posting because I don't have any experience of this situaton save for the fact that I once shared a house in London with a 22 yr old woman who - even at her age - still "clung" to her father (not in reality because he was in the army and therefore not physically around alot of the time) but "emotionally".

Her mother had died when she was in her early teens. Her father had gone on to marry someone not much older than her and they had had children together. A totally different situation to yours I know but she never got over the hurt and the sense of being alone in the world/her needs having been passed by.

I guess what I am trying to say is; is there something in the history of these boys that makes them very clingy?

Also, do they sense hostility (hostility is a strong word but can't think of anything better right now) from you? My five year old dd follows me around the most when I am either feeling ill, or am in some other way desperate for some time alone. My guess is that the more you push them away, the more they will feel the need to cling.

Countingthegreyhairs · 19/10/2008 13:27

PS that's not to say that you don't deserve a weekend away with your dp from time to time - he needs to work on his boundaries - maybe the boys are just modelling him ...

KerryMumchingOnEyeballs · 19/10/2008 13:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Surfermum · 19/10/2008 13:28

I think the one you should be angry with here is your dp, not his children.

Of course you need some time alone as a couple, but while you are verbally attacking his children while trying to get your point across you're not going to get very far.

QuintessentialShadow · 19/10/2008 13:28

Maybe a weekend away is a little too much?

Maybe you instead could arrange that just you and your dh go out, cinema, restaurant?

StewieGriffinsMom · 19/10/2008 13:28

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StewieGriffinsMom · 19/10/2008 13:30

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Helsbels4 · 19/10/2008 13:30

I think that your dp is being totally unreasonable! Doesn't he want a nice weekend away with you? I would tell them all to go together and enjoy a nice quiet house to yourself.

TheProvincialLady · 19/10/2008 13:31

I can agree with those who say that your attitude to his children is not great - but it is not normal that an 18 year old would want to cling to his father to that extent and it would get in the way of having a normal adult relationship.

Do you think your DP actually wants to have a weekend away with you? It is him you have the problem with IMO, not his children.

aGalChangedHerName · 19/10/2008 13:32

I would ask a friend if they want a free weekend in London actually. Leave him at home with his ds's. They would all obviously prefer to be together anyway.

Go away and enjoy yourself and work on reaching a compromise about you and DP having time alone.

aGalChangedHerName · 19/10/2008 13:33

Actually the ds's and your dp sound as if they need some sort of therapy or other help.

I would look into that,it doesn't sound as if they have a healthy relationship.

OrmIrian · 19/10/2008 13:34

Don't give a flying t*ss how 'clingy' they are, if we can sense your hostility to them, surely they can too. And it won't help. We all parent differently. Well done for rearing such independent boys, perhaps your DP and his ex weren't so successful. Big deal. Perhaps your DP felt as if get together with another parent meant you'd cut him and his children some slack.

Organise yourself a nice weekend away without them.

BitOfFun · 19/10/2008 13:35

I think you may be missing the point Quint, unless you have sex at the cinema....lol!

Original poster
WinterThyme · 19/10/2008 13:36

They live with us and see their mother whenever they want to (i.e. not very much as they 'can't be bothered').

I know it sounds like I hate them but that's not true. I just hate this shitty situation.

I TRY and make everyone happy. For instance me and DP wanted a night at the cinema together ON OUR OWN so knowing full well that his kids will do their best to tag along as soon as they found out I decided to arrange a "family" trip to the cinema first. So we all went to see the dark knight together on the understanding that me and DP would be going to watch something else the next night ON OUR OWN. everyone agreed.

So we went to see the dark knight, all of us together...everyone was happy....

Next night me and DP start getting ready to go to the cinema and his DS1 comes in and says "what film did you say you were going to see tonight?" so I said "we've not decided yet" so he said "oh, well I was thinking I'd come along if you don't mind?" so I said "well, it's a nice idea but to be honest we're hoping for a quiet night on our own tonight, that was the idea of us all going out last night, remember?"

So he replied "yeah I know, its just that I have nothing else to do..."

so getting slightly wound up I said "well you'll have to find something. We're going for a drink first anyway"

so he leaves me to it, next thing I know he's getting changed in his bedroom and DP comes in and says "you don't mind DS1 coming with us tonight do you? I think he's feeling a bit fed up...."

I honestly think he's doing it on purpose.

OP posts:
TheProvincialLady · 19/10/2008 13:39

That is weird. Doesn't he have any friends or unhealthy hobbies of his own?