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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to leave him and his bloody kids to it?

89 replies

WinterThyme · 19/10/2008 13:04

I posted months ago about my partner and his clingy kids. The brief history again:

He has two boys aged 18 and 14. I have two boys aged 13 and 15.

My kids are quite independant and do their own thing, army cadets, youth club, sports...his kids do NOTHING and cling to him 24/7.

He still takes his youngest to school and picks him up, if we go out, they have to come with us (the 14 year old I can understand but the 18 year old is the same, sometimes worse). If we arrange a cosy night in, the 18 year old will make a point of staying in and will sit in the living room with us all night etc. It drives me batty but I think people thought I was being unreasonable last time.

So I had a heart to heart with DP and told him that we need a break from THE KIDS. I didn't single his out, I said and meant all of them, mine included. He agreed and so we decided to book a long weekend away to London. We arranged it so that my DS2 was at camp, my DS1 would go to his grandmas and his DS's would stay here...his DS1 being in charge obviously with neighbour keeping an eye on things.

They all knew the reasons we wanted to go away, ITS NOT BLOODY ROCKET SCIENCE and they ARE old enough to understand IMO.

So guess what...2 weeks before we were due to go DP comes in and says:

"You know, I've just been talking to DS1 and he said he wouldn't mind coming with us when we go to London. He likes it there and it will be a break for him too..."

I tried to hide my frustration but I suspect I didn't do a great job. I said:

"Wasn't the whole idea of it so that we could go away ON OUR OWN???"

DP: "Yes but he won't get in the way, he'll do his own thing...."

me: "no he bloody well won't, he'll stick with us like a leech all bloody weekend because that's all he ever does!"

DP: "How would you feel if I spoke about your kids like that??"

me: "MY KIDS DO NOT CLING TO ME LIKE FFING VELCRO!"

so you get the picture...it was a bit of a blazing row and he stormed off in the end. When we'd both calmed down I said:

"Another thing, who will be looking after (his) DS2 if HE'S coming with us?"

DP: "well, would it really hurt if he came too?"

I fucking give up. So whilst mine are palmed off for the weekend, we AGAIN have his leeches tagging along with us.

So, once again...AIBU??

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 19/10/2008 13:39

OK OK...I agree you aren't being unreasonable.

They sound a nightmare. Does the eldest have any friends? Any kind of social life?

mabanana · 19/10/2008 13:40

Gawd, how long have you been together? Does he really resent you or something? Does he thnk you are responsible for his parents splitting up? It's very odd. Most teenagers I know would LOVE a night in the house with no pesky parents.

StewieGriffinsMom · 19/10/2008 13:40

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Original poster
WinterThyme · 19/10/2008 13:41

Well he does have friends, on the odd occasion that he does go out he rushes home. His friends have often been dragged here and I've heard them complain that DSS can't bear to be away from home for longer than an hour.

He has no hobbies or interests other than snooker which he plays with his dad twice a week at the local club.

OP posts:
lulumama · 19/10/2008 13:41

i think you need to get to the root of his clinginess... maybe he has real issues of being abandoned etc...

LynetteScavo · 19/10/2008 13:41

The OP has come on here and had a bit of a rant - she has spoken of DSS and "leeches" and "velcro" on here, not to their faces.

I seems as though the step sons want to spend time with her or they would be making themselves scarce! So presumably she is quite nice to them in RL.

If a poster came on here and said her 2yo was clinging like a velcro, adn she couldn't get anything done - would she be so shot down?

TheProvincialLady · 19/10/2008 13:43

DS1 sounds about 47 and the type to have his own pint mug at the local social club. Is his dad like this?

LynetteScavo · 19/10/2008 13:44

I think the Dad needs to be a bit more assertive with his boys.

For some reason I'm imagining them all wearing tank tops and tartan slippers.

Original poster
WinterThyme · 19/10/2008 13:44

sorry, x posts.

No social life at all. I took him to DS's karate class, he went once and said he didn't like it. I said "fair enough, it's not for everyone...how about rugby?" and he said "well, I'm not really into sports..." so I said "ok, what about cadets?" so he replied "well...I do have some work to be catching up on at home..." so basically he refuses to do anything.

His youngest DS is not AS bad but I can see him ending up like his brother the way things are. my DS took him to cadets one night and he went for a month or so before giving it up (ironically when a camp came up ).

OP posts:
Original poster
WinterThyme · 19/10/2008 13:46

DP does have tarten slippers!

TheProvincialLady, yes DP is a bit like that, although it's down the snooker club rather than the pub.

OP posts:
TheProvincialLady · 19/10/2008 13:49

Do you think maybe you and your DP could be incompatible in the social life dept and that is why he is so happy for his son to sabotage your attempts to be independent? Some families are just like this - do everything together and no real individuality. I find it morbid but if they are happy then it is not a problem - the problem comes if you are trying to change something that isn't broken as far as they are concerned.

Original poster
WinterThyme · 19/10/2008 13:53

But DP does verbally agree with me when I voice concerns.

I've decided to go to London with my kids on my own. If that's how he wants to play it, we can all play like that.

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 19/10/2008 13:56

WinterThyme, if the boys are not sporty, maybe you could find them something unsporty to do?

Does DSS1 like snooker too?

Don't they have any friends to go out with?

Does teh 18 yo show any signs of leaving home?

lulumama · 19/10/2008 13:56

you are then making it into a 'them and us' rather than all in it together

as i said earlier, you need to try to get to the root of his clinginess and take it from there

he is clingy at this age , when most teens would not be seen out dead with their paretns, for a good reason and you need to find it out together

TheProvincialLady · 19/10/2008 13:59

Oh WT that sends a message of not wanting his kids stronger than ever. So you are happy to go to London with yours but if his are there you won't go with your DP? (I know that isn't quite how it is, but it is how it looks). I can't help feeling that isn't going to make anything better. You aren't having a weekend with your DP and you aren't improving matters with his children. It sounds like a death knell..

compo · 19/10/2008 14:01

that is just going to cause more problems
if you're going with your kids you might as well all go
if your dp really wanted to go alone with you he'd make it happen
it sounds like the 18 year old could be depressed
I think you and your dp need to go to relate to air all your views

compo · 19/10/2008 14:02

has he a job , is he at uni, does he pay rent?

StewieGriffinsMom · 19/10/2008 14:04

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Message withdrawn

Original poster
WinterThyme · 19/10/2008 14:04

DSS2 goes to snooker with them twice a week too. See it's not as if they don't get time with their dad alone.

It's not just sporty stuff I suggest, I asked them if they'd like to learn to play an instrument for instance, army cadets is not sporty, youth club, music club, art club...I've suggested loads.

They don't go out with friends and if they do it's only for an hour or so. My kids get frustrated with them too. We went on holiday to butlins in summer for instance. Idea being that the teens can go off and do their own thing (as most teens would). So we got there and everytime we left the caravan, his kids came with us. My boys went to the clubs, the discos, the go-karts etc and always wanted his kids to go too but they wouldn't leave our side. We were there for a week and I hardly saw my kids they were so busy. The other two wouldn't leave our sides at all. (Apart from of course, when DP took them to play snooker and left me on my own completely )

OP posts:
lulumama · 19/10/2008 14:06

are you going to get to the root of the anxiety???????

solidgoldskullonastick · 19/10/2008 14:06

It sounds a bit like your DP doesn't want to spend time alone with you TBH. Is he keen on sex with you or is that something that's not happening? (Some people wil avoid being alone with a partner because they want to avoid sex).

soultaken · 19/10/2008 14:10

YANBU - your partner is being very unfair.

I simply wouldn't go. All the time you give in to him he'll keep doing it.

Lauriefairycake · 19/10/2008 14:21

My point of view is that you, as a couple, are not modelling a healthy relationship by not doing things solely as a couple.

I have a ten year old who has only lived with us a few months and we have been really clear from the beginning that we get babysitters and go out on our own and that we have booked a couple of weekends away on our own. This, coupled with the lots of positive attention she gets from family activities help her develop a sense of being able to be a little independant. When she first came she couldn't even read for ten minutes in her room on her own without needing attention. She can now read and play on her own for an hour or two and still feel secure enough to know that we will be with her later.

She's enjoying her own company now but I think it's about being really clear that we have alone time as individuals, couple time to keep our relationship strong and family time where we all do things together. It does help that my dh and I do lots of separate activities and have no clinginess/whinginess in our relationship.

MrsSnape · 19/10/2008 14:25

God that would drive me nuts. The 18 year old sounds a bit spiteful IMO.

KerryMumchingOnEyeballs · 19/10/2008 14:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.