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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to leave him and his bloody kids to it?

89 replies

WinterThyme · 19/10/2008 13:04

I posted months ago about my partner and his clingy kids. The brief history again:

He has two boys aged 18 and 14. I have two boys aged 13 and 15.

My kids are quite independant and do their own thing, army cadets, youth club, sports...his kids do NOTHING and cling to him 24/7.

He still takes his youngest to school and picks him up, if we go out, they have to come with us (the 14 year old I can understand but the 18 year old is the same, sometimes worse). If we arrange a cosy night in, the 18 year old will make a point of staying in and will sit in the living room with us all night etc. It drives me batty but I think people thought I was being unreasonable last time.

So I had a heart to heart with DP and told him that we need a break from THE KIDS. I didn't single his out, I said and meant all of them, mine included. He agreed and so we decided to book a long weekend away to London. We arranged it so that my DS2 was at camp, my DS1 would go to his grandmas and his DS's would stay here...his DS1 being in charge obviously with neighbour keeping an eye on things.

They all knew the reasons we wanted to go away, ITS NOT BLOODY ROCKET SCIENCE and they ARE old enough to understand IMO.

So guess what...2 weeks before we were due to go DP comes in and says:

"You know, I've just been talking to DS1 and he said he wouldn't mind coming with us when we go to London. He likes it there and it will be a break for him too..."

I tried to hide my frustration but I suspect I didn't do a great job. I said:

"Wasn't the whole idea of it so that we could go away ON OUR OWN???"

DP: "Yes but he won't get in the way, he'll do his own thing...."

me: "no he bloody well won't, he'll stick with us like a leech all bloody weekend because that's all he ever does!"

DP: "How would you feel if I spoke about your kids like that??"

me: "MY KIDS DO NOT CLING TO ME LIKE FFING VELCRO!"

so you get the picture...it was a bit of a blazing row and he stormed off in the end. When we'd both calmed down I said:

"Another thing, who will be looking after (his) DS2 if HE'S coming with us?"

DP: "well, would it really hurt if he came too?"

I fucking give up. So whilst mine are palmed off for the weekend, we AGAIN have his leeches tagging along with us.

So, once again...AIBU??

OP posts:

themoon666 · 19/10/2008 14:29

I agree with MrsSnape. I think the 18 year old is being spiteful.

blueskyandsunshine · 19/10/2008 14:33

None of this sounds like the op's fault, it sounds like she's made a lot of effort and is reaching the end of her tether, not very surprisingly. I'm not sure lulu why it's her responsibility to find out why they are so clingy? Also it's the dh that's turning it into a them and us, not her, by giving in and not encouraging his boys' independence.

YANBU, and yes go to London with your own children. The whole London thing is a joke tbh. Can't believe anybody has had a go at you.

lulumama · 19/10/2008 14:35

ok, she and her DP need to sort this, but the OP is the one posting and it is clearly bothering her more than the DP, so maybe it is up to her to broach it.. someone has to take the bull by the horns

blueskyandsunshine · 19/10/2008 14:35

Kerrymum, you are v terrific but why are you criticising them for having a weekend away alone? Don't see why they shouldn't if they can afford it. Sounds like a desperate attempt by the op to get private time, not a routine self-indulgence.

blueskyandsunshine · 19/10/2008 14:37

But she has tried to broach it in different ways and got nowhere -- with patience at first (I'm assuming) with tact, anger, generosity, effort, planning.. she's getting nowhere whatever she tries.

MrsSnape · 19/10/2008 14:39

I'd definately go to London with the kids on my own. Tell him to take the other two on a snooker camp or something. That way, they can stick to each other and you can have fun with your kids!

I don't have a partner but TBH, I'd rather be single than put up with this.

lulumama · 19/10/2008 14:40

so it clearly needs some outside intervention or help, IMO.

if they are going to remain a family in the long term, this issue has to be resolved, or the OP is going to get more and more resentful of her step children and her and her DP will be battling this issue until it breaks them apart

wheniwasyoung · 19/10/2008 14:41

Maybe your DP doesn't want to go out on his own with you, or away, and invites his kids?

KerryMumchingOnEyeballs · 19/10/2008 14:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilove · 19/10/2008 14:44

I think the 18yo fancies you. Yes, seriously.

ilovemydog · 19/10/2008 14:45

It's lovely that you are with a man whose 18 year old wants to spend time with him. At 18, I didn't really want to socialize with my mom.

scaryfucker · 19/10/2008 14:53

oooh, ilove takes it in completely another direction....

I am presuming the Op is old enough to be the 18 yr olds mother, since she has two teenage-ish kids of her own.....

blueskyandsunshine · 19/10/2008 14:58

Yes true, but that's a very sensitive situation and if I was a stepmum it would make me nervous.

Darling I think your child needs to see a counsellor because he can't go out on his own.

That's a very tough call for a stepmother.

BitOfFun · 19/10/2008 14:59

WT, what are your feelings on where to go next with all this? I really sympathize with you, you must be close to screaming with frustration...do you think it's true that your DP is avoiding time alone with you? That is the part I just don't get- how can he be happy for this situation to continue??

wheniwasyoung · 19/10/2008 15:05

The 18 year old might not want to be alone.

He might not want his father and step mum to be alone.

He might dislike his stepmum and hope if he gets between them she will leave.

He might have a real, genuine problem about being alone but can't talk about it.

He could fancy the step mum.

It could be none of the above and until the parents ask him what is wrong and why he doesn't appear to be able to let them have couple time alone, things will not improve.

soultaken · 19/10/2008 15:07

Another thing, how come the kids CAN come with you to London anyway. Surely you only booked one room with a double-bed?

And when you go to the cinema, simply purchase 2 tickets online only.

Hassled · 19/10/2008 15:08

What was the cause of the split between your DP and his ex? Is there a reason why they might have abandonment issues?

Have you tried talking about this to the DSS1? He's certainly old enough for that sort of conversation - along the lines that while you really enjoy his company, and think you're all getting along great, you would like some time alone with his father and you feel he's not happy about that and you'd like to understand why. If you're relentlessly pleasant and calm it doesn't have to seem like any sort of go at him.

QuintessentialShadow · 19/10/2008 15:25

The problem seems to be that her dp wants her kids to come along, as they approach him, and then he approaches her and says his kids are coming alone.

Does your dp want private couple time with you? It seems to me he doesnt. It seems to me you do all the running and all the planning, for HIM to turn around and disregard your fealings, and get his kids along.

QuintessentialShadow · 19/10/2008 15:25

sorry wants HIS kids to come along.

BitOfFun · 19/10/2008 15:35

that's what I thought QS- he seems to be at the root of this tbh...

NannyNanny · 19/10/2008 15:42

Does the 18 year old have any friends? Could you maybe let him have a few friends over for the evening and they could watch a film etc together, whilst you and your DP go out for the evening? He can hardy ask to come with you if he has his own friends to hang out with.

fartmeistergeneral · 19/10/2008 15:48

Wow! Tbh, I do feel for you. But, I don't know the whole situation of how your partner split with his wife and how it affected his kids, so it's hard to give good advice.

From what I've read I think the relationship between your DP and his sons is unusual to say the least. It's not healthy for an 18 year old to want to spend so much time with his folks, but it does sound like he wants to come between you a little? When he said he wanted to come to the cinema, couldn't you have turned round and said, NO? I say no to my kids all the time (well, not as bad as it sounds, but you know what I mean!).

However, from the 18 year old's point of view..... he's at an age where he is expected to be independent and set out on his own. Not everyone is as confident as your own kids. Maybe he's terrified and doesn't know what to do in his own future. Is anyone helping him with this? Jobs, college, own place etc. Again, I don't know all the facts.

Also, you have to consider. Is your relationship with your DP actually working out? Maybe this whole thing with the kids is giving you an excuse to rant and rave about the weakness of your DP?

imnotmamagbutshelovesme · 19/10/2008 16:19

Maybe it could just be lovely that an 18 year old wants to be with his father and his father wants to be with him. Jeez. Fathers can't win sometimes. What is unhealthy about it? Great if he had friends but don't slate him for wanting to be with his dad until you find out why he doesn't seem able to let you have couple time. Maybe he is quite immature and doesn't realise what he is doing.

fartmeistergeneral · 19/10/2008 16:47

I don't think the problem is that he just wants to spend time with his dad, though. It's that the OP can't spend time with her DP without the 18 year old muscling in. If it was just an isolated incident, I doubt the OP would have posted at all. I get the impression that this is an ongoing problem.

18 year olds spending time with their dads (and mums!) is fabulous, having 2 boys myself, I hope that they will want to spend time with me at that age. BUT, even this boy's friends comment on how much time he spends at home.

unaccomplishedfattylegalmummy · 19/10/2008 18:13

Wow sounds like the 18 year old has some serious issues here. Why on earth is not out all the time with his mates? When I was 18 I had already been living with DH for 2 years and was working full time off on hols abroad with DH (weren't married then lol) and never saw my parents. DSD is 16 she's never home, we actually have to make her stay some nights especially if it's school the next day.

Seriously what is wrong with this boy. His younger brother is obviously copying what his older brother does. I'd ask him if he'd like you to swap bedrooms so he can sleep in the same room as your DP if he wants to be with him that much. You are so not being unreasonable I would have cracked way before now and either screamed at his kids or took my 2 and up and left.

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