To want to leave him and his bloody kids to it?

[WinterThyme]

I posted months ago about my partner and his clingy kids. The brief history again:

He has two boys aged 18 and 14. I have two boys aged 13 and 15.

My kids are quite independant and do their own thing, army cadets, youth club, sports...his kids do NOTHING and cling to him 24/7.

He still takes his youngest to school and picks him up, if we go out, they have to come with us (the 14 year old I can understand but the 18 year old is the same, sometimes worse). If we arrange a cosy night in, the 18 year old will make a point of staying in and will sit in the living room with us all night etc. It drives me batty but I think people thought I was being unreasonable last time.

So I had a heart to heart with DP and told him that we need a break from THE KIDS. I didn't single his out, I said and meant all of them, mine included. He agreed and so we decided to book a long weekend away to London. We arranged it so that my DS2 was at camp, my DS1 would go to his grandmas and his DS's would stay here...his DS1 being in charge obviously with neighbour keeping an eye on things.

They all knew the reasons we wanted to go away, ITS NOT BLOODY ROCKET SCIENCE and they ARE old enough to understand IMO.

So guess what...2 weeks before we were due to go DP comes in and says:

"You know, I've just been talking to DS1 and he said he wouldn't mind coming with us when we go to London. He likes it there and it will be a break for him too..."

I tried to hide my frustration but I suspect I didn't do a great job. I said:

"Wasn't the whole idea of it so that we could go away ON OUR OWN???"

DP: "Yes but he won't get in the way, he'll do his own thing...."

me: "no he bloody well won't, he'll stick with us like a leech all bloody weekend because that's all he ever does!"

DP: "How would you feel if I spoke about your kids like that??"

me: "MY KIDS DO NOT CLING TO ME LIKE FFING VELCRO!"

so you get the picture...it was a bit of a blazing row and he stormed off in the end. When we'd both calmed down I said:

"Another thing, who will be looking after (his) DS2 if HE'S coming with us?"

DP: "well, would it really hurt if he came too?"

I fucking give up. So whilst mine are palmed off for the weekend, we AGAIN have his leeches tagging along with us.

So, once again...AIBU??

I think sitting down with the kids and drawing up some pretty strict boundaries is the best thing to do - get him sky in his room so he doesn't have a reason to sit with you - be basic and a bit patronising when telling him that grown ups need time alone to build a proper healthy relationship and erh herm other things - it may embarrass him or may make him crack and admit to having a real problem but better you get this out in the open with them asap really.

ALso tell him that he won't be able to have successful relationships with women if this is the way he runs his life.

I don;t think there are any underlying issues other than his father has never set strict boundaries and made them see that their behaviour is not normal.

You need to tell your DH that he is doing them no favours either - in the way that they view adult relationships and not making them be independant.

Call a family conference now and have it out with them.

What would happen if your DP came home and you said "I've booked 2 tickets for X tonight, lets go now, we'll just be in time"
Would he come out?
would he say "why haven't you included my children?" or would he furhter prevaricate and look for reasons to not come OR reasons to include the boy?

Try going out on a spontaneous basis, if you arrange anything in advance, he tells the son, then the son puts a scupper in.

Don't tell them in advance.

Then look at who is really not wanting you to be alone with your partner.

It does sound strange, the whole lacklustre teenage thing.

Did the boys ever do anything? (i.e. prior to you meeting their dad????)

I also think that if what you have said about the 18 yo is true, he'll still be living with you both when he's 30 with his dad saying "he'll move out when he's ready"...although I am only going on what is posted in this thread.

I have been through a fairly similar experience. Clingy dss's who lived with us and clung to dp like velcro..except my dp used to get pissed of with them

At 18 the eldest was particularly clingy, and even when we went out alone, he would be phoning/texting dp all the time. He was also seriously unhappy at this time, but neithr we or him we really aware at the time about this.

My ds was not clingy and now at 14 still isn't. His ds's were much more likely to be around, and often prefer staying in than going out with their mates...this is a bit of a bind.

However, when dp and his wife split up, his kids clung onto him, and couldn't just uncling...but it all passed. Dss is now 22, and has finally laft home, although we thought it would never happen Dss 18 still likes to hang around a lot.

BUT, as I said it all passes, and although it has driven me mad at times, I can see the light. If they are used to always having him around, they can't just stop like that. How long have you ben living together?

I have to say both dss's rarely visited their mum (2 hours once a fortnight), and eldest dss never went anywhere...........

I can see why you are upset.

He needs to be an adult and tell his boys that you and he want a weekend alone. They arent that young

It is not his ds'd fault it is his, its great that his ds's have a great relationship with their dad but you to really need some space, and it should not be you that has to say no to his ds's all the time as it makes you seem like the bad one.

Maybe next time his ds tries to tag alone make an excuse and say why don't you to go alone. And do it every time when you have made it clear that it is alone time for you and dp.

Maybe you should let them go alone to your weekend away, he will soon get the message that you need your own couple space...

Just out of interest how long have you been together?

A lot of people on here have bought up boundary issues. I thik this is the root of the problem, as I always felt my dp had problems with this. He never seems to get stressed at all when people fill his life, whereas I need breathing space.

I agree that it is not modelling a healthy relationship, but I think your dp needs to practice saying no. I find men often feels so guilty after a break-up thet are incapable of saying no to their kids, whereas women seem to be much tougher in this area, and more capable of drawing boundaries.

I used to sing "Just say No" (showing my age here ) at my dp..not that it made any difference, but he used to get very fed up of clingyness as well. We found a computer and tv in their bedrooms gave us a lot more space............I know loads of people are against this, but it was the only thing we could do to buy us some time...

My advice is: Patience...it will all pass. 18 is still quite young, but in 2 or 3 years he will be 21, not quite so young and a lot more mature and grown up. All kids develop at different rates....

I have also been at screaming point several times..........

How old were they when their mother left. As they have no real relationship with their mum, it sounds like their dad is everything to them.........

You would think an 18 year old would show a bit of common sense though? I mean especially the London thing, who would want to be such a gooseberry?

sounds to me like the two lads planned between themselves to jeapordise the weekend, more than likely led by the eldest.

Sorry if I'm wrong or speaking out of turn.

I think the 18yo has got issues and I'm wondering if maybe you haven't tried a bit too hard in the past to turn him into one of your own independent children, to get him out from under your feet. Understandable, but perhaps a bit counterproductive. Trying so hard to get him to join the kinds of activities your children enjoy; it can be read as a sort of message that you don't think his way of being and the way his family life has been run is good enough. And definitely that you want him out from the family space. He is resenting this and the more you try the more he regresses. He is like a 5yo who clings more the more you push him away.

I was a fairly independent teenager, but I was not keen on organised activities and did not go out socialising with mates (hated the drunkenness and drug-taking that was going on), so I did spend a lot of time at home, doing family things until I went to uni at 18 1/2. Because I had my family intact, that was never a problem; everybody assumed that I had as much of a right to sit in the living-room of an evening as did my Mum and Dad, and indeed they always seemed to enjoy my company. That in itself doesn't have to be unnatural.

Your situation is different- but that is precisely what he resents. He wants to feel at home in his home. Your needs are differerent- and totally understandably so.

Hard one, but you do need to use a lot of tact.

And don't suggest to your dh that there is something unnatural per se in not having lots of mates and going clubbing. Deal with the resentment and the babyish behaviour, but let everybody see that you don't feel the need to turn him into a clone of your own children. (Just to give you that little bit of space....) Hope it goes well. But your dh really needs to do most of the work- and his attitude is a little dodgy.

Try to find out (unless you know it already) what there is in their past that makes your dh cling so hard to his sons.

Do they get embarrised if you show your DH affection? What would happen if you planned a romantic meal, asked all the boys to stay out of the dining room, cooked romantic good that cant be shared (individual things), lit candles, dressed up, romatic music. Would the eldest sit with you? If he did sit ith you and there was no food would he get his own? If you ignored him (just a polite hello) and carried on flirting with your husband etc how would he react? What would your husband do? What would happen if you then decamp to the sitting room and put on a slightly explicit film, The Secretary perhaps? Would the eldest get the hint then? Would he and your husband be oblivious? How far would you have to go to get the point accross?

If, after all that, either or both dont get it, then I wonder if the issue is boarderline Aspergers and an inability to understand. If they get it and stubbornly 'join in' then its either jealousy or spite or a hidden emotional issue.

I dont think you are over reacting and I sympathise.

I think the family conference sounds like a great idea, with your DH on side and doing most of the talking to show the boys its not just you.

If it is just you then there are deeper problems

Have you had a chance to talk any of this over with your DP or his boys yet Winter thyme?

I think you both need to turn into seriously embarrassing parents so no teenager would want to be seen dead with you

It's not difficult. Me and DH seem to manage without trying!