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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For not wanting my kids to mix with 'them'?

144 replies

ConcernedParent · 18/10/2008 12:38

I suspect this may come across as snobbish and namby pamby so I've name changed.

Basically I am very concerned about my children's future.

We live in a city that has been voted the worst place to bring up kids year after year. There are smack heads on every corner, drunks, chavs, fishwives...everywhere.

My boys are not allowed to play out because I do not want them mixing with the local kids. This is because most of the locals have at least one relative who has been in prison and the kids are heading down the same path. My kids are too good for that so they are not allowed to mix. Instead, they do out-of-school activities to socialise and keep active. They are not allowed to 'hang around' on the streets and never will be.

My eldest son is coming up to secondary school age. I am VERY close to withdrawing him from education after year 6. I have a feeling he will be bullied at secondary school and he will be dragged down with the other asbo offspring that go there.

I am thinking of home-schooling him and then my youngest when he's 11. I've just been reading ex-teachers accounts of what goes on in secondary schools in this city with drugsm alcohol, assault, pregnancy and I just do not want my kids exposed to it or involved in it.

I'm not talking about secluding them from their peers completely, I will keep them well socialised with clubs etc but I don't want them mixing with these types of kids AT ALL.

AIBU?

OP posts:

needmorecoffee · 18/10/2008 20:52

she does cupcahr, she does.
But thinks we should all aspire to it too.

FangolinaJolly · 18/10/2008 20:53

Hi CP

I think maybe your OP was a little clumsily worded,and probably not intended to be negative to all children who live on Council Estates.

I have a feeling we live in the same city,Given your posts abut the dire state of the citys education and some of the dialect you use,and the local paper has recently run a big spread about appalling exam results etc.If it's where I think it is,I also have a feeling I have read your posts before and we are in the same geographical area.I live on the "outskirts" of the estate in private owned housing just in the EY border,so am luckily in the EY catchment for secondary.

To those who have slagged off the OP,if it is who I think it is,then you really need to live in or around the estate to realise what the OP means,it is one of the largest in Europe with multitudinous social problems.I would not like my kids to go to some of the secondaries round here,(though I am sure there are a lot of very good and supportive parents around there too).My kids will be educated in State sector as not in position to ed privately,and I have a lot of sympathy with the OP,if that makes me a snob then so be it.

I am sure if the op was in a position to move they would do.

Anyway,will get off high horse and await flaming.....

FreakyLadyFrightALot · 18/10/2008 21:05

you mention local clubs and you being happy to let your kids go there....not being funny, but, if things are that bad surely tere would be bad influence there, too?

tbh, we live in a crappy town and in a bad area within (financial reasons, but also lovely house and garden/size...etc...) and whilst we choose the secondar school for es wisely, matching his abilities and having a btter mix of kids, we do not stop es socialising with kids from this area, as such....however he has his own preferences and whilst socialising to some extent....he chooses his friends to truely sociaise really wisely and has a great mix of kids....

tbh, I think it is a lot about you making sure that your children know your values without you pushing them down their throats aswell as ensuring that they understand that it is important to be your own person

PurlyQueen · 18/10/2008 21:07

You get no sympathy from this corner.

Either move house (and accept that you won't get the best price for your property) or put up and shut up.

Quadrophenia · 18/10/2008 21:16

Purlyqueen what do you mean by put up and shut up, which part of the original post are you refering to?

Quadrophenia · 18/10/2008 21:16

Purlyqueen what do you mean by put up and shut up, which part of the original post are you refering to?

wittyusername · 18/10/2008 21:18

I can empathise with the OP. It does depend on how your children are - some are more easily led than others.

My mother had no qualms telling me who and what type of people she didn't want me to befriend and for what reasons - we've seen many people "led astray" as it were.

PurlyQueen · 18/10/2008 21:23

I can't understand why the OP has waited until her children are of school age to start wondering what to do about their education - if as she says "There are smack heads on every corner, drunks, chavs, fishwives...everywhere".

If your neighbourhood has crap school and you don't want your children mixing with 'undesirables' then you must take steps to get the hell out while they are tiny

Heated · 18/10/2008 21:23

Totally feel for the OP. If you can, move.

I come from a tough area of London and dh from ex-mining village but imo there is nothing worse than poverty of expectation, having lived in such a place for 4yrs as students. Police helicopters at night, cars set alight, missiles thrown from buildings, drugs, street-fights, my elderly neighbours too frightened to leave their homes...

It's all very well saying make a difference -dh & I used to do neighbours' shopping, feed the feral 6yr old whose own step-father took him burgling, stopped the racist taunting of our neighbours and started a football club for the kids - but there is no way I'd want to expose my children to that life. There are better places to live - & I don't mean more expensive, I do genuinely mean better.

FangolinaJolly · 18/10/2008 21:28

Maybe the op hasn't been there very long,maybe she was housed there after a relationship split?We don't know.It's very easy to criticise if we don't know the full story...

I agree the thread title was inflammatory,but it smacks of deep sadness of being unable to change her circumstance and wanting better for her children,to me.

We all want the best for our kids,ultimately.

ScottishMummy · 18/10/2008 21:29

i think op is trying to work through her concerns about her children.she has stated her concerns

she fears for what she see's
worries about the impact on her children

is that so bad?

not everyone can move location
change circumstance

Lovesdogsandcats · 18/10/2008 21:31

PurlyQueen for gods sake if you have to be so nasty why not piss off onto another thread and do it there.

FreakyLadyFrightALot · 18/10/2008 21:34

lovesd&c....surely purlys reply was not that terrible, tbh....
especially considering this is a AIBU thread

Lovesdogsandcats · 18/10/2008 21:38

I was referring to her last but one comment :

'You get no sympathy from this corner.

Either move house (and accept that you won't get the best price for your property) or put up and shut up.'

Why does the op deserve no sympathy?

FreakyLadyFrightALot · 18/10/2008 21:45

well....surely because you will always research the area you move too....however, of courses sometimes choise is limited....but still not really a nasty comment, especially in this category....but yes, not sympethetic, obviously....

barnsleybelle · 18/10/2008 21:50

in all fairness to the op, she has said that she would love to move. As we all know it's extremely expensive to move house these days and is maybe not an option for her right now.

She is trying to think of options that will help her and her children right now. I'm sure if finances allowed her to relocate immediately then she wouldn't have bothered with the post.

Nighbynight · 18/10/2008 21:58

not sure why people are criticising the OP

CP - we were in a similar situation, in a ghetto - we moved. Right out of the UK, because we couldn't afford to move anywhere decent that was also near to anywhere I could work.
have you considered emigrating to find affordable housing in a nice area?

rosysslave · 18/10/2008 22:02

You don't always research the area you move to, in terms of secondary schools, if you don't have any children at the time and even if you do have a baby, secondary schools seem sooo far away that...well I never researched them, but even if I had, things can (and have in the case of dd's school) change alot over 10 years anyway.

Elasticwoman · 18/10/2008 22:04

I do not think ConcernedParent is a snob. She is judging by the behaviour, not the material wealth or social class of those who live in her area. But I do wonder whether the extreme cases are blinding her to the existence of some normal, reasonably well behaved people in her area who are not on the wrong side of the law.

The social worker, who said CP ought to be changing her environment by starting a youth club, has the word "saint" in her name. We can't all be saints but at least CP wants to do the best she can for her children.

In your position I would probably move. Can you let your house, and rent somewhere in a nicer area?

I'd be interested to hear how you came to live where you do in the first place.

FreakyLadyFrightALot · 18/10/2008 22:09

I think maybe I am to naive....because the area we moved to was the worst...on paper...but tbh...you just have to make friends and people will look out...and whatever their own standards are for their own kids....these don't really apply....they tend to look at you nand try to cover your stsandads....

totalmisfit · 18/10/2008 22:35

xenia - when do you have time to actually be a mum to your kids?

Its all very well giving them all the material wealth your well paid job can supply... but how much of the time are you actually there, physically, in the same room?

i've lurked on umpteen threads where you roll out the 'get a job' mantra and i think it's time i asked. not particularly relevant to the o/p but then neither is your suggestion.

2shoesdrippingwithblood · 18/10/2008 22:41

Elasticwoman she has saint in her name because of another thread. pre halloween names even I was saint2shoes. it is has no relevance to her post on this thread(as I made her do it)

Elasticwoman · 18/10/2008 23:12

I still think that putting yourself out to the extent of trying to make a difference with seriously disadvantaged kids makes you a saint, and is not for the fainthearted.

Bride1 · 18/10/2008 23:17

I don't think the OP is a snob. Or, if she is, so am I. I wouldn't want my children to be at school with children like the ones she describes. Peers DO matter. Some child development experts say they are at least as great an influence as family.

Frankly, this country could do with more parents feeling 'snobby' about who their children mix with. Then than small minority (in every class, as others have pointed out) would find life harder.

Judy1234 · 18/10/2008 23:31

Surely if it's fine for the OP to say what she does it's no different for me to say - pay fees to ensure the segregation of your children in the same sort of way but at the upper end of things and segregate them also so they are just amongst children of the same sex and with a high IQ. Nothing wrong with that at all.

As for time with my children it's depended on their ages over the last 24 years. I've been home all day as have four of the children. I haven't clocked the hours. I did mow the grass for 2 hours and they were in the house but we've done lots of things today. I even bought them their first pumpkin and they gouged out eyes etc and then at bed time we got their first mobile phones working

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