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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not wanting my kids to mix with 'them'?

144 replies

ConcernedParent · 18/10/2008 12:38

I suspect this may come across as snobbish and namby pamby so I've name changed.

Basically I am very concerned about my children's future.

We live in a city that has been voted the worst place to bring up kids year after year. There are smack heads on every corner, drunks, chavs, fishwives...everywhere.

My boys are not allowed to play out because I do not want them mixing with the local kids. This is because most of the locals have at least one relative who has been in prison and the kids are heading down the same path. My kids are too good for that so they are not allowed to mix. Instead, they do out-of-school activities to socialise and keep active. They are not allowed to 'hang around' on the streets and never will be.

My eldest son is coming up to secondary school age. I am VERY close to withdrawing him from education after year 6. I have a feeling he will be bullied at secondary school and he will be dragged down with the other asbo offspring that go there.

I am thinking of home-schooling him and then my youngest when he's 11. I've just been reading ex-teachers accounts of what goes on in secondary schools in this city with drugsm alcohol, assault, pregnancy and I just do not want my kids exposed to it or involved in it.

I'm not talking about secluding them from their peers completely, I will keep them well socialised with clubs etc but I don't want them mixing with these types of kids AT ALL.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Monkeytrousers · 18/10/2008 13:42

NMC, do you get financial help to home ed? And does it make you cleverer?

Tortington · 18/10/2008 13:46

i think it is all in the secondary school.

i wouldnt like to send my kids to a secondary school a you described.

and reg posters will know - i am all viva la revolution, however i moved 300 miles for my kids not to grow up in a shit hole sink estate - prospects of being a car theif or becomming pregnant - and yes i ran a youth club one of the founding members - i was a communiy worker - that shit only goes so far.

my plants were still nicked, car scratched, stoned through wondow, eggs on car, shed robbed.......................etc

move lady, move.

i am a firm believer that is around 90% of all cases HE is not thebest option - its panerding to the mother and i firmly believe that school has a common cultural identity that we learn from - we all had a mr smith for geography with the comb over and the pervy teacher and the good looking teacher, the teacher that cried the bully the tricks we pulled, the stuff we won in pe - a common cultural identity exists in school and i think your kids should experience it

but its pointless sneding them if the classes are so fucked up no one learns and the teachers ccant do anything about it becuase they haven't got the skills or are disenfranchised with the whole sytem being only 3 years from retirement.

move

either you want whats best for your kid or you dont

poppy siad she was willing to take a loss on her house sale

i would too. i would do anything and have done anything not to send my kids to schools like the one your describe

when my son started secondary, he didn't attend the one in our area - i lied and got him into a better one two bus rides away.

matildax · 18/10/2008 13:46

lol needmorecoffee, nothing wrong with that, allows a child to find their own sense of self, and gives you the chance to mess around do some other constructive stuff instead

needmorecoffee · 18/10/2008 13:50

Mamazon said 'he will form strong bonds and friendships that he simply wont get from Home Ed. '
Thats not true. All mine have strong friendships with kids across the country they met during HE. dd1 travels all over the country every weekend visitng them. ds2 meets the same lads at various camps every year and they have a great time. Years of friendships.

Monkeytrousers - no, no financial help and I wouldn't want it. Govt help would always come with strings attatched.

barnsleybelle · 18/10/2008 13:56

I do not think you are being snobby at all. Just genuinely concerned about the welfare and education of your children. Can't see a problem with that.

Re the school thing. It does sound awful and i totally understand your concerns. If i were you i think i would try the school to begin with and see how your children get on. They may surprise you and due to your influence steer themselves toward the other better behaved children. I went to quite a rough school and a few of us just kept our heads down and were left well alone.

If however, things start to go pear shaped then you could start to look seriously at home schooling.

Your children may actually benefit from the school in that they learn valuable life lessons that will serve them well as adults.

Good luck

Litchick · 18/10/2008 14:02

To be honest, although I'm a bit put off by your wording, you sound just like my Mum.
I grew up on a shitty estate and she did her level best to make sure I had a better life than my peers. I was kept indoors a lot of the time.
She was called a snob and so was I. We were bullied and harrassed at every corner.
Did she care? Did she feck.
I ended up with a good career and a great life - I owe a lot of it to her.

Cheeseandseveredfingersarnie · 18/10/2008 14:08

HellMouthCusty-speaks lots of sense.

i dont think your being snobby just wearing your heart on your sleeve.mn isnt always great on complete open honesty.

batters · 18/10/2008 14:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mm22bys · 18/10/2008 14:49

YANBU.

If children are kept busy, they'll generally keep themselves out of trouble. I'll grant not completely (drugs / pregnancy etc happen across the board), but from the mindless vandalising-for-the-sake-of-vandalising for eg).

As far as the schools though, some are obviously academically better than others. That is not to say they raise their pupils to be decent, caring people. At the school I went to (not in this country) it was expected that we would all go onto higher education. I would want my children to go to a school where high academic achievement was expected. If by the time my children reached high school age, the schools in the area did not "do well" in that respect, and if they showed academic promise, I would move to put them in a better school. Anyone on here who says they wouldn't, or that is "snobbery", or looking down on others is lying.

We all want the best for our children. Many on this board are lucky enough to live in good areas with decent schools. They never have to consider that others don't have it as good as they do.

If you are truly unhappy with your area then I do think the best thing is to move.

All the best,

PuzzleRocks · 18/10/2008 15:11

Apologies to the OP for being flippant originally but I was not sure you were genuine as the wording was rather inflammatory.
Personally, growing up in a very similar area was precisely was drove me. I grew up with a very clear sense of exactly what I did not want from life.
Do you talk to your children about their environment, and if so, what do they feel about where they live?

revjustabout · 18/10/2008 15:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Judy1234 · 18/10/2008 18:09

This is why many of us pay (and pick well paid jobs when we haev the choice, as women so we can fund school fees and houses in nice areas - it all comes back to women earning money in proper careers which then give them power and choices)

wheniwasyoung · 18/10/2008 18:12

Maybe teach your children to make their own choices and be able to say no.

needmorecoffee · 18/10/2008 18:18

sigh. Not everyone can have a well paid career. It just isn't possible.
I went to a shit school and lived on a council estate but it was my mum who made the difference by how strict she was. And how pushy.
Going to a rough school - bright kids still do well and have the self esteem to say no to skiving and drugs etc. And skiving and drugs are a problem in posh schools too like I said. There's a group of lads in ds1's posh school whose parents are paying 9k a year for them to mess about and disrupt lessons. Parents haven't noticed cos they are never there. No idea why its gone on so long to be honest. It pisses ds1 off.

exasperatedmummy · 18/10/2008 18:31

not everyone has your privalidges xenia, you cannot apply that argument to every single thread on here! FGS

OP - if you are really worried, move. I wouldnt want to live where you do, especially if i felt i didn't fit in - that would make your children vulnerable to bullying etc. I don't know - if you can move, do so - if you can't well then i don't know. With good parenting i don't see why your children would end up that way - are there church groups they could get involved with? I would be concerned about a decision to home school for negative reasons as apposed to "i think home schooling is really good so i am going to do it"

PandorasBox · 18/10/2008 18:33

move or home educate or go into the school to volunteer

PandorasBox · 18/10/2008 18:33

(xenia can fuck off)

QuintessentialShadow · 18/10/2008 18:39

You cant teach your children how to handle life by withdrawing your children from the world.

matildax · 18/10/2008 18:41

zenia, thanks for the 'useful' contribition to this thread. its all so simple isnt it? get a good job, dont be a sahm, and move to a 'posh' area, and viola! all your problems are sorted, and your kids will be good as gold, in their exclusive schools,
sorry to burst your bubble, but i went to both private and state schools as i was growing up, and can quite honestly say, that most of the kids at my private school, were really badly behaved, drank, smoked, frequented pubs, hung round with older gangs of boys (to try to look cool and trendy) smoked dope, and got off their face regularly.
of course there were kids who worked hard and did exceptionally well, but on the whole, they were very spoilt and could get away with a lot more than kids at state schools could.
i could be wrong, but i reckon because the parents pay for their education, they have a wider scope to misbehave iyswim?
now at state school, yes there are idiots, who cause trouble, dont want to learn, bully others, but again there are the kids who really want to change thier lives.(hopefully they are actively encouraged by the teachers, and given priority treatment)
i think it boils down to how the child is raised at home, as to how they see education, and whether it could or will be beneficial to them.

needmorecoffee · 18/10/2008 18:46

HE isn't 'withdrawing from the world'. If anything, its being out in the real world rather than a closed in institution.
Agree with matildax. Homelife is all important and how valued education is.

pippibluestocking · 18/10/2008 18:47

Why do you assume that you are the only person in the area with decent values? Have you tried talking to other parents at your DCs school? What are the people like on the PTA? I really can't believe that you are the only person who doesn't want their children hanging around on the streets throwing stonesd at cars.

clam · 18/10/2008 18:49

My husband's left me.
Xenia: get a well-paid job.
The lawn mower's bust.
Xenia: get a well-paid job.
The cat's got fleas.
Xenia: get a well-paid job.
I think I'm an alcoholic.
Xenia: get a well-paid job.
Should I change my shade of highlilghts?
Xenia: ........ you get the drift.

pippibluestocking · 18/10/2008 18:50

clam!

GhostlySinCity · 18/10/2008 18:52

lol Xenia should have her own forum offering employment and training advice.

rosysslave · 18/10/2008 18:54

I do have sympathy with/for you op, I think I am in a fairly similar situation, I am trying to home ed, with tutor support, only just started and have very mixed feelings. It is very difficult knowing what the right thing to do is and you can only follow your instincts at any given time. But I am hoping that this won't be forever for me and ds will get into same school as his sister and rejoin state system soon