For not wanting my kids to mix with 'them'?

[ConcernedParent]

I suspect this may come across as snobbish and namby pamby so I've name changed.

Basically I am very concerned about my children's future.

We live in a city that has been voted the worst place to bring up kids year after year. There are smack heads on every corner, drunks, chavs, fishwives...everywhere.

My boys are not allowed to play out because I do not want them mixing with the local kids. This is because most of the locals have at least one relative who has been in prison and the kids are heading down the same path. My kids are too good for that so they are not allowed to mix. Instead, they do out-of-school activities to socialise and keep active. They are not allowed to 'hang around' on the streets and never will be.

My eldest son is coming up to secondary school age. I am VERY close to withdrawing him from education after year 6. I have a feeling he will be bullied at secondary school and he will be dragged down with the other asbo offspring that go there.

I am thinking of home-schooling him and then my youngest when he's 11. I've just been reading ex-teachers accounts of what goes on in secondary schools in this city with drugsm alcohol, assault, pregnancy and I just do not want my kids exposed to it or involved in it.

I'm not talking about secluding them from their peers completely, I will keep them well socialised with clubs etc but I don't want them mixing with these types of kids AT ALL.

AIBU?

Great post, Mamazon

i grew up in a rough (although now very trendy) area...lot's of drugs/crime..but i was fine..so were most of my friends.

plenty of kid's from very nice middle class areas die of drugs.

Yes because I'm sure you'd all love the help the little dears that find it funny to stuff things into your exhaust. The same kids that break into your shed and steal your kids things and lets not forget...its the same kids that constantly throw things at your windows because they're "bored".

I'd sure you'd all be so understanding of the little angels then wouldn't you?

Or perhaps it would take for your son to be chased home from the shop by the little 'darlings' for you to get really upset?

concernedparent

are you able to move?

I don't blame the OP for wanting a better life for her kids than hanging about on the estate causing trouble - but the tone of her post is horrendously snotty and gets my hackles up (I think justifiably so)

What lessons do we want to teach our children? That it's perfectly acceptable to have a 'them and us' mentality? That it's OK to look down on others -other children - many of whom come from nothing and are struggling with very little?

That's NOT what I want to teach my child.

I agree with HRHSaintMamazon. We all want to protect our dcs but one of the best ways to do that is to prepare them for what life might throw at them. I don't think sheilding them from all of life's nasties is necessarily the best way to go about it although it is understandable. You need to teach your children how to deal with certain situations when they happen. You can't be with them 24/7 for the rest of their lives and should your sons want to stretch their independance when they're a little older how much better will you feel if you know they have a good understanding of what they're likely to come across and how to deal with different situations and stay safe

I know the kind of place you mean. Because I used to live in one of these ghettos myself. Luckily i got out before dd had finished reception in what was, a not bad infant school considering the area.

The things i saw and heard in the playground of the junior school were awful, and this was the parents not the kids!

Smoking (yes in the playground) shouting things like 'Jayden get off that fucking wall before I smash your fucking face in'

God it was horrific.

And if you cannot get out, you must feel so, so trapped.

I would do as you are doing, and try and see if there is a place at a decent school in a neighboring borough even if it means travelling a way.

Not much else to say apart from I do understand and really feel for you.

Obviously there are people who live on this estate that are hard working and want the best for their children. But do you know what? That isnt enough to change things. We went to meetings with the local police, councilers and MPs to try and improve things. We talked about the council providing things for the youths to do etc like a youth club. And do you know what happened? The 'bad' people on our estate took down the registartion plates of everybody at the meeting and the next day every single one of them cars hd been vandelised. Even the police admitted it was more than likely it was related to the meeting.

So now what happens? The hard working people keep their heads down and try not to draw anymore attention to themselves. And no one goes to any more meetings.

The 'bad' people dont want the estates improves, they dont want police interference.

If you only you lived here and knew what it is like now you would see how much worse it is than 10/20 years ago.

at the amount of swearing in my other post.

toddler groups are great. but sadly the mothers that could most benefit from them don't attend.

When asked teh question "why do you behave the way you do" i doubt there has been a single child who has not answred "there's nothing better to do".

Boredom is a dangerous thing in an unsupervised child.

OP - leave your two wonderfull fabulouse special children alone for an hour or so and see what happens. something will have been damaged i can almost guarentee it.

The children you see around you aren't evil. they aren't beneath your own precious darlings. they are exactly the same, only they dont have the strong parenting that yoru children have.

Sadly we cannot get every parent by the scruff of the neck and force feed them parenting manual. ( i tried, took months for them to stop suing me)

so instead we need to offer these kids the attention and basic essentials that their parents fail to provide.
hopefully they then will grow up less inclined to rob old ladies and when they in turn have children they will be rounded enough to know how to parent better than their own families.

OP, you're a regular poster here, presumably, so I'm not sure what you're trying to get out of this thread.

You're already getting defensive about how you feel. What sort of comments did you expect?

You say you cannot move in the current market.

Your option is to home ed. Or perservere with the school.

Did you want to ask a question about home ed or are you just asking for approval re your feelings about the local neighbourhood?

in my honest opinion and experience, if you try to stop a child from doing something, it becomes very attractive to that child, and they will find a way to do it anyway.

chill out a little op, stand back and watch. your children may be intrigued at first, but if you have tried your very best at bringing them up well, and have tried your best to teach them a strong sense of what is right and wrong, i reckon they will tire of the 'asbo' behaviour of some of their peers, and entertain themselves with other kids who feel the same way.

hmm, well I live in an area which on the outside has problems - lots of murders, asbos, badly performing schools etc. Yet, there are also many very nice, normal people, who have nice, normal children living here, so I don't know if what I say is that relevant.

Firstly, how well do you know your area? are you involved with any community groups, charities, scouts etc? Is your area really 100% full of people with problems?

I think it's good that your children are involved in lots of different activities. IMO you underestimate what a postitive effect this can have on your children. I don't think they will suddenly be ASBO material the minute they play with children who don't do all the stuff that your children do. My sons (age 9 and 14) are allowed to play out sometimes as well as doing all their extracurricular stuff. My oldest son sees hoodie gangs round here all the time and is of the age where he could join them, but shows zero interest in this or indeed hanging around the streets. I have never stopped him playing out. He has just decided that he doesn't want to as he says it is boring and dangerous and he'd rather be playing cricket. So going on this, I'd say to you have faith in your children

Have you got a car? That means you are a lot less tied to being in your area if you really don't like it. If you don't drive, my advice to you is learn to asap.

Do you have to send your children to the local secondary school? Can you look further afield to a school you like more? I do think a bad secondary school environment can affect some children for the worse, but I don think you should at least try to send you son to school before taking him out.

I want to know if it will damage the kids keeping them away from school more than it would sending them.

I grew up in an area like that but it was my mothers attitude that kept me from Asbo behaviour (well, mostly, I did do some naughty things). How your parents treat you is a huge factor.
A better school/area doesn't lead to no drugs/crime. There are lads are my boys school from rich families who live in mansions in the posh part of town and they are taking drugs and off the rails cos their parents don't give a crap or are never there. Bristol uni is full of rich students taking drugs, vomiting in gutters etc.
Home life is a msssive factor IMO.
Or home educate. Its fun and easy. I did it for 9 years.

totally agree needmorecoffee, well said. although dont know about home educate, i think i would go slowly (more) mad!!!!

Concernedparent, I'd try the school route first and see how it goes. But do cast your net widely to find the school you like the best.

matildax - trying to find uniforms and lunch boxes, dealing with the kids being bullied in school and not getting a decent education drove me more mad!
But we did autonomous education where they are neglected do their own thing

All the local schools are really bad. The ones in the neighbouring villages are over-subscribed.

I guess all I can do is let him go and see how it goes.

You should have posted in parenting.

but if you cant move and things are as you say then do whatever you think you need to do to help your kids

"I want to know if it will damage the kids keeping them away from school more than it would sending them."

Well there are lots of people who say that home ed is great and that it can benefit the kids.

Personally I'd see how it goes with the school though first. I can't see here where you've said anything about the school other than the nature of the kids around your area.

What's the school like? Some inner city schools can get very good results out of a very unpromising intake.

if all the scholl in your area are equal then do you realy belileve he is the only child in your entire town who doesn't go around bullying and throwing stones?

no of course he isn't.
he will get to school and make friends with someone like himself. if you put 100 animals inot a field they will soon form groups of their own kind...its natural.

he will form strong bonds and friendships that he simply wont get from Home Ed.
yes there is a chance that he will be bullied. but there is a chance of that at any school, even the nice ones in the next village (actually more so, becuase he would be considered teh chav from the rough estate)

he will go toschool and because he will be one of the few willing to learn and participate he will get more of teh teachers attention.
he will see other children not progressing and see what they make of their lives, it will spur him on to make better for himself.

I think you under estimate your children OP.

sorry, x post. What are you judging "really bad" by?