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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let exp take 15month old dd on holiday?

99 replies

cantpickyourfamily · 16/10/2008 15:21

He said he wants to take her away for New Years mayb to a different country. Could be for a week or weekend.

I have only just started leting her stay at his house over night as we only stopped bf a month ago.

I wanted to go on holiday for xmas with dd but he didn't want us to go as wanted to see her on xmas. So I said I would stay.

But I also said he should have her for new years as I had her last year as we had an argument and we argued the year before when I was pregnant and he went out with his friends.

Now he is making it an issue that he cannot take her on holiday but I can.

I am considering saying that he can take her on holiday for new years and I will take her on holiday for xmas, but I am unsure as I am not too keen on the idea of dd being in another country without me.

OP posts:
loobeylou · 16/10/2008 15:31

first , I do not know your history but if you are at all worried that he might not bring dd back DO NOT let her go abroad

how often does he see her? if not really frequently it is not fair on dd to send her away with him when you are her main carer - he can still see lots of her over the holidays/take her out several days in a row can't he? why does a 15month old need to go on holiday to a different country, what is she going to get out of it?

FioFio · 16/10/2008 15:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Sazisi · 16/10/2008 15:37

She's too young to be away from you, her main carer, for that long.
I think a weekend, and not far away (and certainly not abroad) would be a good compromise?

Original poster
cantpickyourfamily · 16/10/2008 15:40

he does shift work so sees her as much as he can, some weeks he can come in the morning for two hours a few times that week. And some weeks he might just see her 1-2 full days. She is very comfortable with him and seems perfectly happy the next day after sleeping over with him.

I wanted to go to a hot country for xmas as always did it when younger and hate staying here for xmas, and I have got family members who will be going. And my neices who dd can play with.

But he would be going with a friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
cantpickyourfamily · 16/10/2008 15:43

I feel like he is always pushing for more say in dd's life and does not seem to be able to get his head around the fact that I am her mother and as we are not together I will have to have holidays and take dd with me as I need to live my life too.

I told him this and his response was ok leave dd with me and you can go on holiday alone.

OP posts:
Rose100 · 16/10/2008 15:44

YANBU- she's way too young.

snigger · 16/10/2008 15:57

Sorry to be po-faced, but I'm always uncomfortable with the term 'let' in relation to access to children - it sounds like you're granting priveliges.

You're always going to feel uncomfortable apart from her, but if he's trustworthy in relation to her safety it may be less trauma in the long run to decide when is a good time, and leave where to him?

It's bound to be fraught this first time, but reasonableness now might lead to harmony later - even if it's only from you at the moment.

VinegARGHHHTits · 16/10/2008 16:01

YANBU she is too young, i had this battle with my ex when we first split up, he asked me if he could take ds (then 18mths) away on holiday to France, i just burst out crying there and then as i couldnt bear the thought (and also had pnd) to be honest he had no intention of doing it, he just said it because he knew it would upset me.

Original poster
cantpickyourfamily · 16/10/2008 16:13

snigger - I understand what you mean by 'let' him take her on holiday and I am sure he does not like it to be put that way, but I do feel as her mother that looks after her day after day my role is different to his and actually I am the person that makes most decisions about dd's life and welfare.

Also he does see dd as much as possible and is a good father but he can go anywhere freely without having to think of what dd is doing or who will look after her. But I always think of dd before considering how things will effect me and I know for certain he does not do that.

Also he has said a few times he might take dd abroad and never come back. I do not think this would happen but he has done things that have shocked me in the past consering dd just to get at me.

OP posts:
Original poster
cantpickyourfamily · 16/10/2008 16:14

Also Itold him when I feel she is ready to go on holiday she can but I cannot set an age at the moment as I need to feel she can cope with being away from me.

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Original poster
cantpickyourfamily · 16/10/2008 16:15

vineg - I feel maybe he is just saying this as I asked him to have her for new years as I have to stay here at xmas so he can see her.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 16/10/2008 16:22

It has been 4 years since my dd's father has even taken her on holiday.

I would have let my dd go at that age - but even then when she was a baby it was all talked about but never happened.

I would let him take her away, for no more than a week, I don't see that there is anything wrong with him taking her on holiday and if he wants to take her abroad then so be it.

If you start stipulating where and what he can do with his dd then you must be prepared for him to do the same - do you want him to dictate your life?

Judges dont get involved with stuff like this if they can help it - but would be for the father having a weeks holiday where he likes with his dd.

Positives dd and father relationship should bond, grow and be good.

largeginandbloodymary · 16/10/2008 16:24

It is a hard one. Mine used to go off and stay with ex for a week at a time but they did use to live with him and were all together when they went to stay (5 of them)

DS was only 18months at the time. He has taken them on holiday but only in this country, tbh i wouldnt mind abroad. He does have a new wife now and i feel very comfortable with the way they look after the children so it does not worry me.

He asked (last year) to have the youngest for the 3-4 weeks run up to the Xmas hols, i said no. I felt it was too long for him to be away from me and all his brothers and sister.

I think if you all used to live together then neither of you should have an issue with holidays alone with her. He should let you go and you should let him go. At 15mnths she is not getting that much out of Xmas.

jellybeans · 16/10/2008 16:28

I agree with the poster who said that she is too young to be away from you, as the main carer. I am all for both parents having fair access etc but sometimes feel that pushing for 'equal' everything is denying the differences between mothers and fathers especially with a young baby/toddler.

Original poster
cantpickyourfamily · 16/10/2008 16:41

ivykaty - he said he did not want us to go on holiday for xmas before mentioning a new years holiday with dd. I had already agreed to stay here so he can see dd on xmas and not go on holiday, just to please him.

Now he is saying he wants to take dd on her first holiday and is not happy that my sister and her family would have been on holiday with dd before he will have the chance to take her.

So I said ok we will both not have any holidays for 5years untill I feel happy to let you take dd on her first holiday.

OP posts:
Original poster
cantpickyourfamily · 16/10/2008 16:49

sazisi - suggested a weekend away in the uk would be a good idea which I would agree to.

DD has only stayed at exp's house twice and stayed at my mums house one night so for her to go to another country without me would be a massive step, I feel it would be easier for both dd and I if we build upto these things bit by bit.

And as I said he has said to me a few times he might take her to another country and not come back.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 16/10/2008 17:19

So take the higher moral ground and lay down that if he is taking dd on holiday for ny then say

You cant tell me what to do and not to take dd on holiday - let him think on it - put it to him in a none threatening way. Make him realsie that you will not stand for being told what you can and cant do - that is not going to happen for the next 18 years, not 5 years.

As for we do this first etc tell him to grow up he is not in the school year and you both have a dc.

Start as you mean to go on - but lay down the ground rules and make it clear and then stick to them.

If he was to go to another country and not come back - how would he live? who would take care of dc he hasn't thought about these things, he isn't a full time single dad and doesnt think! silly man. he would most probably have had enough after a weeks holiday and think twice before doing it again. We both know the heard work - he doesn't - yet

dittany · 16/10/2008 17:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sazisi · 16/10/2008 17:25

"Now he is saying he wants to take dd on her first holiday and is not happy that my sister and her family would have been on holiday with dd before he will have the chance to take her" - it's all about him isn't it? Never mind that your dd would have had a lovely time with cousins etc?
Fio is right - the man so needs to grow up!!

And regarding your last sentence, don't let him have access to her passport.

ivykaty44 · 16/10/2008 17:39

Has she actually got a passport? He can apply for a passport for her so how would you stop him having the passport.

He can always get her birth certificate from the registra office - a copy for passport purposes.

nooOOOoonki · 16/10/2008 17:41

hink it is really difficult for you all.
Xmas is such emotive time.

I wouldn't worry too much about who takes her first etc, she will have no recollection of who does,

I think if you are happy her staying away from you for a few days in the UK it shouldnt make any difference if he takes her abroad (assuming that you have no worries about him bringing her back).

My DH and his ex split when DSS was a few months old, since then they have alternate christmases, and whoever has him on xmas also does on new year (they will both admit that the new year is the pay back for xmas as they both want to go out!)

I think it saves on years of heartache if you can come to a long term agreement.

Their agreement has been flexible (his ex was ill one year so she had him, I was away one year so they had it together... or the meal anyway).

Is there something that worries you about abroad more than the UK?

nooOOOoonki · 16/10/2008 17:41

obviously meant to read think!

Original poster
cantpickyourfamily · 16/10/2008 17:46

ivykaty - I was thinkng about saying that but if he decides to agree to me taking her on holiday so that he can then I will be worring as she is not with me.

OP posts:
Surfermum · 16/10/2008 17:47

But you've said yourself you don't think he'd do it. And you've said that he is a good dad and you have no worries about him looking after her.

I can understand why he wouldn't want you to go away at Christmas. I would hate it if I wasn't able to see my child at Christmas, wouldn't you? Does he have any objections to you going on holiday at any other time?

You do have perfectly valid concerns, but I can see it from his point of view - if you can take her away for a week, why shouldn't he. His is her other parent after all.

I'd suggest you find a way of putting your concerns to him, and maybe coming up with a plan of working towards him having her for a week, and maybe a week's holiday in this country. If you say a flat no you may well find that he goes for a Court Order and any decision about it will be taken out of your hands. Far better that you try and sort this amicably between you.

Original poster
cantpickyourfamily · 16/10/2008 17:48

dd has not got a passport yet but I will be applying for it soon. Also he is not named on her birth cert as would not put his details down as I would not give dd his surname or a double barreled nae with both of our surnames. So do not think he would be able to get her passport.

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