To not let exp take 15month old dd on holiday?

[cantpickyourfamily]

He said he wants to take her away for New Years mayb to a different country. Could be for a week or weekend.

I have only just started leting her stay at his house over night as we only stopped bf a month ago.

I wanted to go on holiday for xmas with dd but he didn't want us to go as wanted to see her on xmas. So I said I would stay.

But I also said he should have her for new years as I had her last year as we had an argument and we argued the year before when I was pregnant and he went out with his friends.

Now he is making it an issue that he cannot take her on holiday but I can.

I am considering saying that he can take her on holiday for new years and I will take her on holiday for xmas, but I am unsure as I am not too keen on the idea of dd being in another country without me.

herbitea - why on earth would I make any of this up, I did not mention the fact that he was violent before as he was not violent on a regular basis and did not beat me up, but DID take dd out of my home in the middle of the night and WAS violent towards me.

This was not his usual behaviour but he has had a change of personality a few times during the relationship which have been out of character for him. On a normal day he is a good guy and does his best as a dad.

The reason I mentioned it when I did was because I was trying to show how I feel that I am trying to do my best to ensure dd had a good relationship with her father even tho I have got alot of issues with him.

The only thing I cannot say weather it is true or not is about the other girl that said she had a relationship with him as she swears it happened and he swears it didn't... I was not there so do not know.

Also how can you say upfrount about it? I cannot put my whole relationship in the orginal post as it would be too long and no one would read it.

As I say it is not his normal behaviour to be violent towards me and I am finding it difficult to get my head around everything that has happend through out our relationship and I am doing my best.

DD comes first no matter what and I have to try not to let my feelings get in the way of doing the right thing.

I still have feelings for exp but there are so many issues that made our relationship not work and now that we are not together I am trying to help them have a good relationship. But I also have to learn to seperate myself from dd which is not easy.

I am no expert in relationships and like someone sensible suggested before meditation sounds like it might help.

Cantpick, I think some have been a little harsh in their attitudes towards you. Suggesting you may be lying is not very nice in my book.

Good luck with whatever your decisions are and i'm sure they will be with dd in mind.

If it helps there is no way i would let dd go away for a week without me. Time with her dad is very important yes, but going away for a week is not the only way to achieve this. It's not as if she will really understand where she is etc. I would start with one night and build up from there.

Oh, and going away with you is not the same at all. She's used to you as primary caregiver. I would say exactly the same were the roles reversed. It's not a mum or a dad issue for me.

CPYF, When my ds was two H and I had a trial seperation. We had a holiday booked during that time and he said he would take DS. I said "Do you really think it is the best thing for DS to be away from his main carer for that long? Do you think that might make him sad?". DH just went quiet and did not mention it again. The point I am making is that you ex is not putting your child first just trying to get his own selfish way. My H can be very controlling but when it comes to the dc he puts them first every time.

FWIW I think 15 months is far too young for her to be away from you. He sounds remarkably immature and I would find it difficult to trust someone like that.

Herbietea, how do you know that your brothers daughter did not miss her Mum at all? Because he told you? Well he would wouldn't he. Is your brother in a similar situation to this? You sound as though you may have some experience of the other side of this type of situation. I don't think in this case the OP is trying to use her child but it doesnt sound like he is putting her dd first, just as though he wants to get his own way.

If she lives mainly with you I would say no, because a 15 months separation anxiety can really kick in, and he won't know her well enough to help her through it. Simple as. Unless she's very verbal she won't be able to communicate well as he won't know her cues and that could be difficult for both of them.

To me, that's the biggest reason of all why you can take her for a holiday but he can't - nothing to do with him, all to do with your dd who, after all, should be the main concern.

Whether it causes abandonment issues or not would surely be about how close she is to her father. I would have been fine letting dh take dd, because that wouldn't have been abandonment to her. Am sure I would also have been fine with my father, but then he was very involved in my care.

So this is the main issue: how trustworthy is the ex-p? How safe is he? How reassuring would his presence be to the dd? How well do they know each other?

Not whether some other child at the same age did or did not develop abandonment issues.

Herbietea i think you have totally missed the point, the op did not mention the violence becuase the thread is not about the way her xp treated her, it is about him wanting to take their dc on holiday, and this is after she agreed to not go away at xmas, he then wants to take her away, abroad, for new year. I think he is playing mind games, saying it to get a reaction (like the smacking), he sounds very immature, and although i believe every father has equal rights to be able to parent a child when the parents are seperated, i support all of cpyf reasons for not lettting her go, i dont think she is using her child against him, i think she has valid, genuine concerns.

I also think every child is different, some (like your db's dc) may cope well with going on holiday with either parent at this age, i know from my own ds(2.3), although he sees his father regularly, i know for a fact he would not cope with being away from me, in a foriegn country for a week, with just his father, and i know his father would feel the same. If i thought he would i would gladly let him go.

Well put dittany.

I totally agree Dittany.

Thank you to everyone who has been supportive and can clearly see that I have not tried to use my dd as a weapon against exp.

Actually I have tried as much as possible to put my feelings aside to help their relationship.

I spoke to exp about all this and told him my reasons for not wanting dd to go on holiday and explained that when he says these 'jokes' like smaking dd or taking her abroad and not coming back they are making me not trust him.

He said that he did not mean to upset me with these jokes and he would never take dd away from me permently as he knows I am a great mother. He does feel that I have more control over dd then him and is not happy about that as he loves her alot and wants to be very involved in her life.

I told him that I can see he is doing his best to see her as much as possible and we both agreed that if he wants to he can take dd away for new years for the weekend but in england.

I can see we will still have issues about dd's first holiday as he wants to take her but I have explained tat I cannot live without a holiday too long and cannot leave her with him for a week while I go away - because again I do not feel comfortable being in a different country to my dd just incase anything bad happens to her and I need to get to her urgently. Same as that is my reason for not wanting her to leave the country.

Well done for being diplomatic and getting your point across. That is a really good result and I'm impressed at the way you dealt with the issue.

I would personally substitute some of his answers somewhat, reading them after what you've previously described.

'He said that he did not mean to upset me with these jokes and he would never take dd away from me permently as he knows I am a great mother is actually rather shocked at the idea of really having care of a small child, and wants you to do most of it.

'He does feel that I have more control over dd then him and is not happy about that as he loves her alot prefers to retain a sense of control over you both and wants to be very involved in her life and feels emasculated if you make the decisions.

But as long as you have got the result you need, that's manageable. I think you have dealt really well with him so far. What Dittany said is absolutely right and perhaps with time he might start to behave more respectfully towards you both.

I hope things settle and it works out Ok over New Year x

Good for you cantpick, and I totally agree with all your posts Dittany.

fantastic cantpick... Never doubted you for a minute.

Just a thought, with regards to the first holiday issue. Could you and he have holidays that coincide, and go to somewhere near where he's taking dd - perhaps you could have a holiday with some girlfriends - so that you'd be nearby if anything happened, but he'd still be getting to take her on her first holiday.

It certainly sounds like the two of you can discuss things and compromise, and I am very glad for you that you've sorted NY out between you.

Hugs
sunnygirl.

flightattendant - You could be right with your answers, you clearly understand the male language and are a very good translater.

jammi - re the birth cert, I did want his name on it but he refused as I would not give dd his surname or a double barrelled surname.

I am actually thinking about changing it to a double barrelled surname as I agree with you that in the future dd will not be happy to not have her fathers surname on her birth cert.

As I said perviously the reason I would not give dd both of our surnames was because of a girl that said she was with him for a year while we were together.

But now that we are not together I can see he will be staying around in dd's life and loves her alot so I think perhaps I should change her surname. I was just worried that if he disappered she would have his surname and not know who he is.

And if it is a double barreled surname I suppose if at some stage she only wanted to use my surname or his she could?

It is a big decision but I think it would be for the best. I do understand that dd is not only mine and that I need to give him enough space to be a good dad.

dittany - the sensible one does make an appearence sometimes

sunnygirl - exp has suggested that with holidays that he could go somewhere nearby and come to visit dd.

First of all he said he would go alone and 'meet' people while he was there so I thought hey he is just saying this so he can keep an eye on me while I am on holiday.

But now he has suggested him going with a friend. so maybe he just really wants to go on the first holiday with dd.

I'm still not sure as when I talk to him he drops into the conversation that he still loves me blah blah blah. But I really do want to go on holiday for xmas so maybe i could work.

jammi - about him looking after dd in my home, that was when we first broke up and were likly to get back together at that stage. But after what happen he is no longer allowed in my house day or night.