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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let exp take 15month old dd on holiday?

99 replies

cantpickyourfamily · 16/10/2008 15:21

He said he wants to take her away for New Years mayb to a different country. Could be for a week or weekend.

I have only just started leting her stay at his house over night as we only stopped bf a month ago.

I wanted to go on holiday for xmas with dd but he didn't want us to go as wanted to see her on xmas. So I said I would stay.

But I also said he should have her for new years as I had her last year as we had an argument and we argued the year before when I was pregnant and he went out with his friends.

Now he is making it an issue that he cannot take her on holiday but I can.

I am considering saying that he can take her on holiday for new years and I will take her on holiday for xmas, but I am unsure as I am not too keen on the idea of dd being in another country without me.

OP posts:

overthemill · 16/10/2008 17:49

we built up absence from any parent over a few years. at this gae they wont really know much but she may miss mummy if she is used to seeing her every day. she wont know she hasnt ben obandoned at this age. i think build it up so she knows she always sees both again

dittany · 16/10/2008 17:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

cantpickyourfamily · 16/10/2008 17:56

The problem with her going abroad is that she is not in the same country as me so if anything bad happened I would not be able to get to her quick enough.

Also as I said before he has said a few times that 'what if he takes dd abroad and never comes back'. But if I mention this to him as part of my reason for not letting dd go he will say 'you know that was a joke'.

One night when he had her to stay at his he text me asking if she normally moves alot in her sleep then when I didn't get back to him he then text saying he smacked her as she was moving too much and he need to rest.

This was in the middle of the night as he knoew I was out for the night then when I called him to find ut what the hell was ging on he said oh don't be stupid that was a joke, you know I would never do that.

OP posts:

dittany · 16/10/2008 17:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

cantpickyourfamily · 16/10/2008 18:01

sufermum - I also understand him wanting to see dd at xmas, that is why I said we will stay so he can see her.

He has has that he wants to take dd on holiday first and is not happy that I might take her on holiday with my sister and her children.

I would be happy to working towards him having her for a week, we can start with a weekend and build up from there.

But atsuch a young age I am not happy for her to go abroad without me.

OP posts:

nooOOOoonki · 16/10/2008 18:08

Just read the bit abpout him 'joking' about taking her abroad and not bringing her back,

he loses the arguemnet no way should you let him, so many children do get abducted (happened to my friend, by her dad for 14 months when she was 10),

what a tosser

lilacclaire · 16/10/2008 18:14

Ok, im going to get shot here....

So why is it ok for you to take her on holiday and not him.

He is equally as much her parent as you are.

--prepares for the mn onslaught--

Original poster

cantpickyourfamily · 16/10/2008 18:21

dittany - I completely agree that is not a joke, and I told him I did not like him saying he would take her away and he said 'why are you getting worried' and I said it is not nice to say something like that as I feel I cannot trust you and if you continue to say that I will have to stop you from seeing her.

OP posts:

Original poster

cantpickyourfamily · 16/10/2008 18:22

I never joke and say I will take dd away from him

OP posts:

Original poster

cantpickyourfamily · 16/10/2008 18:24

nooooooooonki - really your poor friend, was she ok after? where did her dad take her?

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Surfermum · 16/10/2008 18:24

Well unless you all go on holiday together someone is going to have to be the first to take her.

ivykaty44 · 16/10/2008 18:24

I think you need to explain what a joke is in simple english

a joke is something funny

Writing a text to say you have slaped a dc is not a jke it is sick.

How old is this person? FGS he needs to be sat down by someone and told to get a grip all this stuff.

Mediation would probably sort a lot of these issues out as they will be able to direct him into the fact his jokes are not funny or clever and are detrimental to the well being of his relationship with his dc< exasperation emotion>

Original poster

cantpickyourfamily · 16/10/2008 18:27

lilacclair - have you read my posts about him threatning to take her away and not come back?

Also she is not used to be without me for longer then a night at a time, and she has only started staying out with the last wo weeks, so I feel it is a big change for her and could be unsettling.

OP posts:

sunnygirl1412 · 16/10/2008 18:30

In fairness, lilacclaire, cantpickyourfamily's ex said it wasn't OK for her to go on holiday at Christmas.

I also think she makes a very good point about not being able to get to her fast enough if her dd is ill and abroad.

I'm with those people who don't think it's at ALL funny to joke about abducting a child or about having slapped her for moving around too much and disturbing him!

Be honest, lilacclaire - would you trust someone who said things like that with your dc? I wouldn't.

dittany · 16/10/2008 18:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

cantpickyourfamily · 16/10/2008 18:31

sufermum - I think that is what he wants for me to say, ok lets all go.

When I first said I wanted to go for xmas he said ok I will go to and stay in a different hotel. And just come and see dd on xmas day. He said he will go alone and not try to bothr me on holiday - which I know is rubbish - he would hang around untill I felt bad enough to say come to dinner with us or something...

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Original poster

cantpickyourfamily · 16/10/2008 18:34

ivykaty - he is 25 and I am younger but know what is and isnt a joke.

How does meditation work? He has suggested we get family councilling so we can work well as a team for dd. But I feel that actually he is using it as a way of trying to get back with me.

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Original poster

cantpickyourfamily · 16/10/2008 18:38

dittany - thank you for the support, and I feel that yes he needs to prove that I can trust him first.

He does look after her well when they are together but he is using his 'jokes' to upset me as he knows I am very protective over dd and that will hurt me more than anything. Or will get my attention very quickly as it did when did text about smacking her.

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nooOOOoonki · 16/10/2008 18:45

my friend that was abducted was met outside of her school in England, (both her parents are Polish)by her Dad, who she hadn't seen for about 6 months,

she was really pleased and quite happily went with him straight to the airport and then didn't se her Mum for 14 months, I knew her afterwards and bizarely her parents were living together again. She says it didn't upset her too much , but must have upset her mum alot.

herbietea · 16/10/2008 18:48

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Message withdrawn

Surfermum · 16/10/2008 18:54

I was going to say that his threats and text smack to me of him trying to press your buttons, rather than it being a real threat. But you have realised that yourself. Have you tried ignoring his "jokes"?

And I'm really hope my posts don't come across as being bullying or manipulating. That isn't my intention. All I hope to achieve is to offer some insight into how he might be thinking so you can resolve things.

Original poster

cantpickyourfamily · 16/10/2008 18:56

nooooonki - I cannot imagine anything worse, if my dd wa not with me for 14months I would feel soooo terrible...

OP posts:

Original poster

cantpickyourfamily · 16/10/2008 19:00

herbieta - dd is a person that lives with her mum, and her dad has said a few times he could take her abroad and never come back.

Also she is not used to being away from me. She has only ever stayed at his house for two nights on two seperate occasions, and stayed at my mums once. So that is 3 nights in total away from her mum in her whole life.

If I let her go on holiday for a week without me, how do you think she would feel?

OP posts:

herbietea · 16/10/2008 19:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

cantpickyourfamily · 16/10/2008 19:09

sufermum - you do not seem bullying and I am happy to hear other peoples opions.

The thing is when we first broke up I asked him to look after dd in my housewhen I went for a night out.

Then when it late and i still was not home he text me saying 'i am taking dd to my house'. I replied saying don't be silly will be home soon, but i didn't answer my phone as was in a club with loud music.

And as he was jealous` and thought I was off with another guy (which I wasn't and never have cheated) he took dd out of our home at 2am.

So I id not think he would do that but did just to upset me so that is why I cannot take his 'jokes' as a joke.

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