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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let exp take 15month old dd on holiday?

99 replies

cantpickyourfamily · 16/10/2008 15:21

He said he wants to take her away for New Years mayb to a different country. Could be for a week or weekend.

I have only just started leting her stay at his house over night as we only stopped bf a month ago.

I wanted to go on holiday for xmas with dd but he didn't want us to go as wanted to see her on xmas. So I said I would stay.

But I also said he should have her for new years as I had her last year as we had an argument and we argued the year before when I was pregnant and he went out with his friends.

Now he is making it an issue that he cannot take her on holiday but I can.

I am considering saying that he can take her on holiday for new years and I will take her on holiday for xmas, but I am unsure as I am not too keen on the idea of dd being in another country without me.

OP posts:
Original poster
cantpickyourfamily · 16/10/2008 19:10

herbietea - He was the one that told me he would be unhappy for me to go on holiday for xmas as he wants to see dd on that day.

So after I agreed not to go on holiday he then said he wants to take dd on holiday for NY

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herbietea · 16/10/2008 19:14

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nooOOOoonki · 16/10/2008 19:19

mediation is a good idea, or counselling. if you think he is trying to get back with you might be able to discuss it in a 'safe' environment. Much better than misunderstandings getting out of hand or going to the dreaded solicitors

Original poster
cantpickyourfamily · 16/10/2008 19:21

herbeita - if someone told you they will take your dc away and never come back would you agree to let them take dc on holiday?

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barnsleybelle · 16/10/2008 19:23

What an awkward situation. I feel for you and would hate to be in your position.

At the end of the day you are both her parents so she has a right to be with both of you equally.

However, i totally get how worried you would be to let her go for that length of time. I do think you have a right to know all the details of who, where etc before making a decision.

If you can honestly put aside your issues of exp and yourself and you think dd will benefit from the trip then go for it. However, if you think it's too soon and dd will not cope well without you (which is my honest feeling), then don't let it happen.

It's all about dd at the end of the day and you have to make your decision based on what is best for her.

herbietea · 16/10/2008 19:24

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MadameCastafiore · 16/10/2008 19:36

I think your issue is with being in control more than anything - you need to stop trying to be the one being in charge and parent with him for your daughters sake.

Why not let hi build up contact until he has had her for a week and then let him take her away - you have said that you want himt o have her for New Year so if he does what does it matter if he takes her away or are you doing the pathetic 'I want to be the first to take her abroad too'.

I feel that his reactions to you are because he feels you are controlling his relationship with his daughter to a rideculous extent and if her were to take you to court for access what could you actually say is so bad about his parenting? You said he was a good father and tries to see her as much as possible - most women would give their right arm for the father of their children to care half as much.

You do realise that he can do exactly what he wants with her when she is with him don;t you - as her father you can;t stop hijm doing anything.

Can I also ask you why if you agree he is her father you won't have his name on her birth certificate - what are you going to say to your daughter when she asks why there is no father on her birth certificate?

MadameCastafiore · 16/10/2008 19:37

Sorry about typing - am trying to listen to Casualty and type at the same time and it's not quite working.

Original poster
cantpickyourfamily · 16/10/2008 19:41

herbieta - I do not think he is serious but did not think he was serious when he said he would take dd out of my house in the middle of the night.

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Original poster
cantpickyourfamily · 16/10/2008 19:47

madamecasta - I have said we should build up contact, and when she seems ready she can go on holiday with him. And no I am not bothered about being the first person to take her on holiday but do not want to wait forever to have a holiday myself and so far in dd's life it has been where I go she goes.

Also re the birth cert I wanted him to put his name down as her father but he refused to as I did not give her his surname due to us being unmarried and me being unsure as to weather or not he would stick around to look after his daughter.

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ithinkimtallandblonde · 16/10/2008 19:56

I can totally understand why a father would want to see his daughter xmas day, i see my children everyday of the year but have to work xmas so won't be there for all of it and it makes me sad.
I can understand why its hard for you to let your baby go away but its not the same its her father and you have to let him take her. Its your job to ensure they have the best relationship possible. I would be miserable the whole time she was gone but no it is for the greater good.

MadameCastafiore · 16/10/2008 19:57

Right well I can sort of understand the birth certificate thing but then none of us have much idea that our other halves are going to stick around - especially after reading about the creeps on here who have done the dirty and run off. But I really don't understand why you are controlling all this. You want him to have her at New Year so why can't he take her away, just make sure you have upped his contact so she has been with him for that long in this country. I do understand that he doesn't want you to take her away at Christmas - if you went to court you would get Xmas Day or Boxing Day every other year because they are deemed to be very important family times whereas New Year isn't.

My XH gets DD every other weekend and half the school holidays which is reaonable and you get used to it in the long run and unless they are endangering the child there isn;t mush you can do about what they do with them when they are with the other parent - and I dare say he wouldn't expect to be able to tell you what you can and can't do with your child and you shouldn;t be able to tell him.

He sounds like he is trying to be a good father.

Original poster
cantpickyourfamily · 16/10/2008 20:03

He is trying to be a good father and I am trying my best to help their relationship.

Orginally he had to collect dd from my mums house as he was violent towards me, but that was unsetteling for dd and she cried everytime she had togo with him. So I changed it so he could collect her from me and now things have improved. So I am also doing my best.

Also when I say I was unsure if he would stick around - we broke up during my pregnancy and had no contact atall for 2months. Then 2weeks before giving birth to dd I spoke to a girl who said she had a relationship with him for over a year (during the 5years we were together) ad had mis carried his baby.

So I think considering all this you might understand the reason dd did not have his surname.

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herbietea · 16/10/2008 20:06

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dittany · 16/10/2008 20:17

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barnsleybelle · 16/10/2008 20:20

Can'tpick.... My heart goes out to you.

Do what you honestly think is best for your dd... If you base all your decisions on what you honestly think is in her best interests then you can sleep easier.

x

herbietea · 16/10/2008 20:22

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dittany · 16/10/2008 20:25

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barnsleybelle · 16/10/2008 20:28

Dittany... I have to say i'm with you on this. It does sound very much like dad is using this baby as a way of getting at mum. My dd is almost 15 months and no way would i want her to not have me around her for a week.

herbietea · 16/10/2008 20:30

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herbietea · 16/10/2008 20:32

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barnsleybelle · 16/10/2008 20:37

I don't blame her for telling him what he can and can't do.
I totally agree with equal rights for fathers. My dh however, would not want to take his 15 month old baby away for a week from it's primary care giver.
I am basing my opinions totally on what i have read.

I think she's being fair in that she wants to wait until dd is a little older before letting her go away with him. Fair point in my book.

Flightattendant2 · 16/10/2008 20:39

Reading your posts i think this guy is a dick and I'd be concerned about leaving a child with him at all let alone allowing him some sort of holiday abroad with her

What a complete twunt.

How old is he? 15?

He's just trying to wind you up and the childish whining about 'it isn't fair, you've got more rights than me' should be ignored imo.

Or answer along the lines of your having far more responsibility also.

It isn't fair on a baby who lives with her mum 90% of the time to be shunted off to some place miles away, we had this when ds was little, my mother who has degree upon degree in child psychology said probably around 4 years old would be the very EARLIEST a child could happily leave its mother for more than a few hours.

Ds is 5 and I still wouldn't be happy about it unless he knew his father really, really well and was very attached to him. Wait at least till she can express what she wants. She won't be able to tell you what went on wherever he took her.

As for the joke about smacking her that's just unbelievable. he is a shit. Sorry to say it

snigger · 16/10/2008 20:39

The violence has only been disclosed now, three pages in.

How much of an issue is it genuinely, can't pick? You have to really consider this one.

dittany · 16/10/2008 20:40

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