Mumsnet Jury needed for this one. **IMPORTANT**

[exasperatedmummy]

OK, i shall post this as i see it - please don't jump on me.

Around the corner from me is the local infant school. Opposite this are some private, purpose built flats, fairly modern. In one of the flats, which is pretty scruffy, no curtains, there sits a man, pretty much all day, he has his computor set up on the kitchen side, and he sits so that he can see the school. The past two mornings i have walked past there on the way back from dropping DD at play school - he has a book out, but he isn't reading it - he is staring quite intently at the school.

This is freaking me out, and sadly it is because if you asked me to draw a peadophile, then it wouldn't look much different to this man I don't want to judge the poor sod, there are lots of scenarios that it could be

• He could just like sitting in the window watching the world go by
• He might be lonely
• Maybe his grandchildren go to the school
• He might genuinely love children and be nostalgic about his own children/own childhood
• He might just be staring into space

I have noticed him a few times, it is quite conspicuous the way he sits in the window, so you tend to look, if he notices you he glares at you.

I'm uneasy about this, but im not sure what to do - if anything. My gut instinct is to leave well alone actually - what do you lot think?

Yes, DM wrong! We agree.

I understand exactly what you are saying, as I understood what Boco was saying too. You were both saying the people who we might look at go 'weirdo' is actually a v. vulnerable person and not necessarily danger because he acts outside the normative framework. You are both right.

Sorry, that sounded rather grand 'you are both right' - I didn't mean it to.

Right. I've enjoyed this thread, it's made me think about things and look at things in a different way. I like it when I'm made to do that. Thanks.

I MUST go and do some work!

This is a really interesting discussion. I agree with fumf and Scummy and those that say that sometimes people are just odd. And I would hope that no one would call the police if they saw a man they didn't recognise in my garden! That would be weird, I think, and make me paranoid that we were being constantly watched. Shudder. Don't people ever have guests? And yes, the police behaved appallingly when dealing with ScummyMummy's dad.

I do have experience with living with a paedophile. It wasn't in my family, but one I stayed with for a year. He was the father and abusing the youngest son who ended up killing himself a couple of years ago. Neither I, the two other brothers nor the mother knew that something was happening (I was 15 at the time). Actually, I can't say that the mother didn't know, I suppose. Anyway. He was an upstanding member of the community, very active in his church, was well dressed, etc etc, and a paedophile who abused, the police estimate, 70-80 children.

I also have experience working with vulnerable people - some of whom really fit the description of stereotypically creepy old men. But they're not; they're just somewhat socially inept, living in charity shop ill fitting clothes and trying to fit into life the best they can. I'd trust my kids with them in a heartbeat.

That's not to say I am not afraid about something happening to my boys - it's just that I'm more nervous about seemingly nice people who are too nice. It's a hard one and a thin line between paranoia and being sensibly protective.

Have changed my name because I'm not anonymous on here and whilst I don't mind you lot knowing who I am, I don't want family to find out about what happened. Scummy, always feel slightly guilty that no one answered your little red wagon post!

absolutely!

Have only skim-read but I don't understand what is so terrible about looking at people, even if it is a paedophile that does it. It is not a crime to look at a playground and it does not harm the children. Yes of course if he was exposing himself or acting in a threatening way or coming down and bothering the children, I'd take action. But people are entitled to look out of their windows. If it was a sweet old lady doing it you'd think "aaaah". Or what if it was a circumspect paedophile who hid behind the curtains and was never seen? Probably happening right now. Is he harming the children"? - no.

To guard children from paedophilia, we need to make them and their carers aware of the danger signs, the real danger signs, and educate them so that they know when to speak up. We are never, never going to eliminate paedophiles so we have to arm children against them. Any time, especially police/social worker time spent pursuing someone for looking out of their window is time better diverted elsewhere IMO.

I think we agree 100. I do think it was fine for EM to ask the question, but also think that what mn does well is use humour and teasing and maybe even mocking to argue through a situation. EM wasn't mocked to the point of being upset or alienated or angry - she joined in and she changed her position - good result then! Is a valid debate. We do all look at someone and go through the process she went through, absolutely.

I think your middle ground is found by trying to position my argument in the bed wetting liberal shandy PC gone mad camp. Which it isn't. No, of course you don't go and check up on the ranting person's self esteem. You don't approach someone who makes you feel uncomfortable - but if someone makes you feel uncomfortable then think about it - don't react from the gut and assume they're bad. That's the middle ground, be careful, be cautious, be vigilant - but don't be hysterical and don't assume that if someone looks odd then they are bad or a pervert or need reporting. We're so hung up on not looking odd or out of place and being shit scared of people who don't look how we think they should.

I think i've repeated myself toooo much and am done now.

I agree with everyone

I think we do make automatic judgements about people. I also think that it is healthy to feel a bit about acting in any other than a entirely personal way on those without running it past a few other people first and getting their viewpoints.

I've been struggling with phenomenological psychology recently, and feel I should be able to say something pertinent about it here. But it's all a blur...

ok only got to page 8 but would just like to say having long unwashed hair and big black rimmed glasses is more likely to make him an IT geek rather than a paedophile.

Also curtains tend to be a women thing, many a man I know with no mother/wife/girlfriend in his life would be just as happy putting towels up or live without curtains.

I think reporting this bloke to anyone other than Gok Wan or a home decorating show would make you very very unreasonable.

FallenMadonna, I'd struggle with even saying that...

"Do you think that a neighbour, seeing a man they didn't recognise on the balcony of a child's home at 3 in the morning, was in the wrong to call the police?"

Are you referring to my situation here, morningpaper? I hope not because if so, you are quite inaccurate in all respects and I would appreciate it if you did not make things up. I am now sorry I posted the story in the first place. Apologies in advance if you meant something else.