in stopping stepdaughters maintenance payments?

[postmanbob]

namechanged as don't want to be recognised.

DH has a DD(11) from previous relationship and we have 2 DC together, both pre-school age. We have a good relationship with SD and regular contact. My DH has paid maintenance every month without fail since the relationship broke up when SD was still a baby. We met a couple of years after that. Maintenance was agreed between them both and has not been an issue until now.

DH is in the construction industry and we have been hit hard this last year, his job is hanging on a wire and they have been as much as told to take it week by week.

I work very very p/t and my department have had trouble recruiting for a f/t job recently. Anyway, I spoketo my manager, they interviewed me and I have been offered the post. This means my DH will give his notice so he can care for our children. My new job is secure (NHS). The salary will be less than DH and mine but it is secure and we can survive on it.....but we will be unable to make the maintenance payments.

Does this sound dreadful or understandable? We are both very torn on what to do and I have to accept/ decline by Friday. I should add that it will not cause his ex finacial hardship......but I'm sure she will make a big fuss.

Well, you know what you are doing is reasonable - of course it is! The only mistake you have made is asking on MN if it is un-reasonable. You know how silly it can get on here sometimes!

Message withdrawn

just to clarify - I wasn't the other woman. My DH did leave her when SD was a year old because he wasn't happy and didn't love her but he spent months agonising about it. He broke things off with her before she announced she was pg and they got back together when she was about 5 months pg because he felt he should make a go of it.

I was not even on the scene at this point we met almost 18mths after he had left and ex was already seeing ner partner who she lives with today.

very true Fio - or the marriage has simply broken down - with no "outside" influences - and the man just happens to meet someone new afterwards (even worse when they meet someone very soon after the split as they're accused of all sorts then)

I'm with Fio on this - YANBU. Brilliant that you have taken the job and that three children get to keep their bedrooms and a roof over their heads.

Hats off to you FAQ on budgeting so well and that he is already shacked up; not all Zims are so uncouth!

And Tinkerbellesmum, you have a lovely profile page.

well to be fair to him ggg - I did also start seeing someone very soon after we split (and he spent a LOT of time here) and he's sharing the house with his NW and a friend - having lived in several (very child unfriendly) shared houses previously). This was a house they found together as 3 "friends" (ok shagging partner in once case ) - it's a 3 bedroom house and so the 3rd bedroom is used for when exH and his friend have their children to stay over.

Although I do have reason to believe he was shagging behind my back while we were still together I'm 99.99% certain that this woman wasn't one of them.

PMB, that's the same as my partner, he was about to break it off when she said she pregnant (condom accident). He stayed with her and they married when SS was 1 year. I don't think either wanted to be together, but they made an effort for awhile. Second son came a year after they married. Her father died, she changed towards TBD and moved in with her mum. I was just getting married around that time and it was nearly 2 years later we met. For complicated reasons he's still married to her, but as I've already said she has a new partner, they've just had their second baby last week. They both live with their respective parents whilst renting out his house, buying a new people mover on his credit card and they're going on several holidays a year, most of the six weeks they're away. We're not allowed to have them here let alone take them away and obviously in the school holidays TBD doesn't get to see them.

Sometimes it's the first wife who is the wicked stepmother! (I've been told off for pointing at his wedding pictures that are still up at his nan's and saying "that's my [brother] and that's The Wicked Step Mother" I only did it while she was still tiny and not going to remember it to say it before I get yelled at.)

Thank you ggglimpopo

This thread moves on so fast you find yourself making lots of X-posts.

I wish you all the best with your new job Postmanbob.

In the current climate anyone would be crazy to pass up the opportunity of a secure job when their partner's job is under very real threat. Even if that means a reduction in overall household income there's no contest .... what's worse after all, reduced income or NO income ??

The reduced income can only go so far and as we all know there are certain things in life where there's absolutely no choice in paying ..... council tax, rent or mortgage, food. You can cut down on the quantity and, it has to be said, quality, of the food you buy, you can adopt the most frugal attitude to clothes, heating, fuel etc., but there comes a point where you simply cannot economise any further and, in the OP's case, whilst she & her husband are no doubt experiencing huge pangs of guilt and worry regarding cutting the maintenance (or else she wouldn't be posting here), it does appear that his ex is in a more stable financial position than they are and would still be able to adequately feed & clothe SD even with a reduction in maintenance.

That being the case, she should not feel at all guilty in doing what she has to do to ensure that her children too are adequately fed and clothed. I am sure that when the economy picks up and/or if DH has the opportunity to get a job paying more than his wife, then he'll take it ...... in the same way that the OP is simply trying to maximise their household income in the current circumstances.

When a household suffers a reduction in income, it's inevitable that everyone has to tighten their belts - children included ..... I have never understood the attitude of some "first" families who therefore believe that no matter what, their standard of living must be maintained at exactly the same level regardless of actual money available. Had the marriage not broken up, they too would be having to watch the pennies and take the rough with the smooth.

Good luck with the new job PMB. You have absolutely done the right thing, and it's what I would have done.

Just done a quick sum- £200 pcm overpayment for a decade- £24ooo!

no doubt that should have cushioned any blow somewhat!

a couple of points.

what the csa (or in fact it is now cimec i think) allows i would say is the minimum that should be paid in maintenance - not the maximum. so the notion of "overpayment" is moot imo.

i think it is appalling for a father not to pay maintenance because the new family is too precious to use some form of childcare which thousands upon thousands of parents have no choice but to do every day whether they like it or not.

yes, fio, if. there is nothing to stop a couple agreeing an amount of maintenance which is excess of the csa amount. if that happens then there wasn't an "overpayment" it was the agreed payment.

well i hope they take into account that he resigned from his job and has no intention of finding another.

lots of people have no choice but to work, pre-school children or not.

Why should the OP have to pay for childcare if a parent is willing to do it (and the other parent is working f/t)? Surely that is best for the child if they can manage. Also, on 20K they will probably get quite abit of tax credits which they would begin to loose if there was a second earner (this is a well known effect of tax credits). I don't think it is a luxury to SAH for one parent. I would say it is more of a luxury to outsource childcare/cleaning etc due to the costs.

they are not being precious. If they had to use childcare it would eat up most of the dh's wage as the children are both pre-school, therefore childcare would be expensive.
When the kids reach school age then of course breakfast clubs/after school clubs would be a viable option.