in stopping stepdaughters maintenance payments?

[postmanbob]

namechanged as don't want to be recognised.

DH has a DD(11) from previous relationship and we have 2 DC together, both pre-school age. We have a good relationship with SD and regular contact. My DH has paid maintenance every month without fail since the relationship broke up when SD was still a baby. We met a couple of years after that. Maintenance was agreed between them both and has not been an issue until now.

DH is in the construction industry and we have been hit hard this last year, his job is hanging on a wire and they have been as much as told to take it week by week.

I work very very p/t and my department have had trouble recruiting for a f/t job recently. Anyway, I spoketo my manager, they interviewed me and I have been offered the post. This means my DH will give his notice so he can care for our children. My new job is secure (NHS). The salary will be less than DH and mine but it is secure and we can survive on it.....but we will be unable to make the maintenance payments.

Does this sound dreadful or understandable? We are both very torn on what to do and I have to accept/ decline by Friday. I should add that it will not cause his ex finacial hardship......but I'm sure she will make a big fuss.

I can see you are looking at your families finances and they come first but you should think of how his daughter would feelto know that he is no longer willing to pay for her mainentence.

And if she does come to visit and sees your children with new toys or clothes could become resentful.

But I do think this sounds UR

YANBU - You should not be judged on the amount of maintenance you pay.

My DSD has stayed with us every weekend since I moved in with DH when she was 5, we buy clothes, uniform and take her on holiday as well as pay maintenance. We knew when I lost my job last year that things would be tight on one salary but DH's ex was happy for us to reduce the payments whilst we got back on our feet, she understood that we do more than just hand over cash. DSD is 13 now and commented to me last week about how lucky she felt as she has two families who love her. Money isn't everything.

Thanks Annie, I just know how hard it can be to get the balance right.

In our case, me being home makes DH job much easier, his shifts change from day to day and he can be called to work away, and me being home means he can relax if having to work overtime, but he still only does on average 39 hours a week so we both get lots of time with the kids. Also, if DH lost his job or became ill, I can get a job (thus by only depending on one wage we are covering ourselves- becoming dependant on two wages-if you don't have to- can be risky) Maybe if the OP's DH is a SAHD she can do more overtime/flexi hours and he can see more of SD. I don't see why they should use childcare just because some other people have to? I can see it is an option, but clearly not one that the OP would consider so it seems irrelevant here. I think, after reading most of the thread, that as long as they are paying as much as they can to SD, things will be OK. I do see it as essential to contribute something but if genuinely DH is loosing his job, they don't have many options other than to take the secure employment.

Although we have always paid maintenance, I can never understand how the CSA can justify a NRP who has child staying with them 2-3 days a week, buys clothes and helps with money towards school trips and expenses is also expected to pay high maintenance when resident parent gets tax credits and Child benefit as well.

I agree Elliegant - as soon as it was apparent that exH and I were going to split I said then (and say the same thing now) - that I don't want his money (which he doesn't have - being up to the eyeballs in debt taken while on while we were still together) I want him to have a good relationship with the DS's - and for me "money" doesn't come into them having a strong relationship with him.

so, DH is telling the ex as we speak.....waiting with baited breath

he's giving notice monday - assuming the company is still solvent then

and lol at SD getting jealous of the boys new toys and clothes........she is 11 and not daft, she knows she has more than both mine put togther times about a million. So I won't be feeling guilty anytime soon if I buy somehting brand new out of wages I earned.

Lots of bitter people on MN - lets hope his ex doesnt feel the same way.

yes unfortunately as I'm on IS I've had to get the CSA involved - so he's been given a figure which is much more than I know he can afford - I'm going to tell him that as long as he pays me the "drop" that the IS will make due to me getting X amount from him that he needn't worry about the extra money for now. I know that once some of his debts are cleared then he'll give me the full amount, but at the moment even him giving me the amount that the IS will take from me is going to be a struggle.

FAQ - You are a star. I hope he makes it up to you as soon as he can.

We are very lucky that DH's ex is reasonable, we don't go through CSA, if we did we wouldn't be able to spend as much on DSD doing other thindgs. In fact we would really struggle. But I can appreciate how hard it must be for you on IS.

well as soon as DS3 is at nursery/school I shall be going back to work - so as soon as that happens I'll be telling the CSA (or whatever it's called now) to sod off

I'm amazed at the amount of vitriol shown to PMB by some posters! Surely it's obvious that a step-mum trying to get out of paying maintenance for her own greedy ends would not have allowed a situation in which her OH paid far more than he needed to for 10years?

I completely understand the dilemma they now find themselves in. I don't understand how the OP and her DH are solely responsible for the financial security of this little girl- surely her own mother and her new partner have an equal obligation? The idea that both the OP and her DH MUST work and put their kids into childcare is a bit severe too- has anyone seen the cost of childcare these days?? It may actually be a pretty pointless exercise in rearrangement of funds!

Also it makes me sad that so many people see it as less maintenance shows the child that she is less loved. Does that mean should my DH lose his job and we can no longer afford to spend so much on our kids that they should surmise we love them less? It's not as if the OP's younger kids are going to be living it up while her poor little SD sits in rags, sobbing.

I actually think the whole system is unfair, and completely skewed to the old-fashioned idea that it is solely the father's responsibility to provide for a child. For those of you who say the father should have thought about the financial implications before creating the baby, what about the woman? Is it OK for her just to relax and lie back, safe in the knowledge that the man will always provide? (And I KNOW that's not always the case, before anyone jumps on me! Yes, there are a lot of shitty, sneaky absent fathers out there, but it always seems to be the good guys who get shafted by the system) We women seem to demand equality on one hand, but then to revert back to old-fashioned values as and when it suits, and I really don't understand it.

I wish you well in your new job, PMB, and hope things work out well for your whole family.

Not on your own FAQ, refresh, refresh, refresh..

No, im here too! I hope she gets it sorted. Have just read through the whole thread and agree your dh should give up his job (while he can still make that descion) and come to a new arrangement with the exp...... which is what your doing, I hope it goes ok for you, sounds like your in a tricky situation.

Know what you mean annie, my Dh and ex get on better since ditching CSA as well. DH'S ex as even been known to send the odd gift for our DS who is 3.

Great post Jooly, couldn't have put it better myself.