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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in thinking stopping my mil seeing my dd for good???

39 replies

MyLittlePrincess · 09/10/2008 21:37

My dd is 22mths. My mil is a completely horrible person. However, my dd absolutely LOVES her, though i cannot understand why, likewise my mil ADORES my dd.

She has done countless things which i'm sure she does just to try and upset me, and the last straw was her just swearing at me and put the phone down?

I was brought up to treat people with respect and I never ever come across someone like her before, all i do is bite my tongue. It is not in my nature to argue with people and I would never swear at someone.

I would happily cut her out of my life, my dp agrees with me that all she brings us is drama and doesn't want our dd to see her anymore, but i cant help feeling guilty that my dd will miss her?!

OP posts:
BananaFruitBat · 09/10/2008 21:40

Can your DP take her to see your MIL? Then you don't need to have anything to do with her but your DD won't have to miss her.

beanieb · 09/10/2008 21:41

What countless horrible things has she done?

MsHighwater · 09/10/2008 21:41

I sympathise with you but your dd has a right to a relationship with her grandmother. Unless you actually think that maintaining a relationship between them would be harmful for your dd - do you? - you could live to regret it.

Original poster
MyLittlePrincess · 09/10/2008 21:42

yes, but there are some many issues i have with her, shes not just an average interfering mil, she deliberately upsets me for no reason? i just don't get why shes so nasty, its not just me who she upsets, she's foul to everyone she knows, except my dd, who is the light of her life!! arghhhh!

OP posts:
newgirl · 09/10/2008 21:42

what a nightmare - all i can say is dont say anything you regret in anger.

i honestly think your dp should be on the phone asking his mum to apologise to you but maybe tomorrow!

and if you can somehow bite your tongue and say something like 'i think it is important that you have great relationship with dd but i will not be spoken to in that manner and what can we do to make this ok for us all' - i think that is reasonable because she might be very useful in teh future!

sleepycat · 09/10/2008 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MyLittlePrincess · 09/10/2008 21:43

i've witnessed her pinching a 3yr old because he took a toy off my dd???

OP posts:
MinkyBorage · 09/10/2008 21:43

yabu, depending on what she has done obviously, but swearing at you ang hanging up the phone is niot grounds for stopping her seeing her grandaughter

AbbeyA · 09/10/2008 21:44

I think it would be a great shame. You have to allow for the fact that your DD might take after her grandmother and be far more like her than she is like you! I think nature has more to do with personality than nurture.

lulurose · 09/10/2008 21:44

I too have no relationship with my mil (long story) but my dds love her and she loves them so every few weeks my DH takes them to hers without me. Works for us, and as yet they haven't asked why I don't go.

sleepycat · 09/10/2008 21:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MyLittlePrincess · 09/10/2008 21:46

its certainly not the first time she's had to apologise to me, but this time i've said i dont want an apology as it seems with her that she can do as she pleases as long as she says sorry its ok.

I never argue back with her, i always bite my tongue.

Ive seen her do so many things to upset people and she laughs about it?!

OP posts:
newgirl · 09/10/2008 21:46

yes trips without you is a good idea - and you get time off too.

the pinching not good btw! did you say anything at the time? always best to clear this stuff at the time rather than let it build up

Original poster
MyLittlePrincess · 09/10/2008 21:49

She put my dp through hell when he was a child. He actually hates her, but its his mum so unconditional love i suppose. Her youngest son is only 15 and ive seen the way she speaks to him on so many occassions, its heartbraking that he's going through what my dp went through.

I know that i dont want to ruin my dd relationship with her but i also feel like i dont rust her as a person at all and i worry about how she speaks and acts infront of my dd.

OP posts:
MinkyBorage · 09/10/2008 21:51

OK, second thoughts, I would keep very close tabs on their relationship, I would not be keen on letting my dd spend time alone with someone like this. Do you see her a lot? Can you see her less?

Original poster
MyLittlePrincess · 09/10/2008 21:52

of course i said something to her but shes that spiteful she doesnt care, just laughs.

ive also walked in on her screaming blue murder using the f-word at my dp's son who is 8...i asked what was the matter as he is a very quiet boy and she grabbed hem, cuddled him, kissed him and said 'i love you, nannys boy'. he doesnt see her on his own anymore as he then told me she always does it and all he did wrong was laugh when she slipped.

OP posts:
beanieb · 09/10/2008 21:54

so basically she is mean to everyone except your daughter?

Original poster
MyLittlePrincess · 09/10/2008 21:59

yes. i know that sounds stupid, but she has 3 sons and one grandson. She had a miscarridge and it was a little girl and she's always wanted a girl. there are no other girls in her family. So my dd is her little princess shes waited so long for.

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 10/10/2008 02:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scaryteacher · 10/10/2008 07:15

It's difficult...if she was a 'toxic' parent, then she may be the same as a grandparent. If she is nice to your dd, but unpleasant to your dp's ds, then resentment will build up there between the children, and you will have to deal with the fall out.

If she can't treat them equally kindly, then avoid her. She has no legal right to see her grandchildren and you are the one who can say yes or no to visits. You may feel pressured into letting dd see her grandmother, but if it's doing more harm than good then stop.

My late father was unfortunately like this, and my ds's memory of him was being smacked BY MY Dad and then sent to his room (in my house). The invitation to stay to my Dad was not repeated.

Original poster
MyLittlePrincess · 10/10/2008 07:22

Mil lives 5 miles from me and she doesn't drive and my dp works away from home. Dp hardly sees her and he likes it that way as he know how awful she is. I work full time and my mum helps me out looking after dd, although my mum works full time also, we work around each other. Mil is always causing trouble about this saying my mum is favoured as she sees dd more than her. When i have relied on mil she has deliberately let me down (ie, literally locked her door and turned her phone off so i couldn't go to work).

As I work full time and dp is only home 1.5days a week, my dd tends to see her for a few hours while im in work, so i have no idea whether she bad mouths me, it is also virtually impossible for dp to do the visits.

I don't think she'd be nasty to my dd, as like i said, she worships her, it the fact that my dd will be witnessing her subjecting others, including her 15yr old son to verbal and mental abuse. I've only witnessed physical abuse once, on the 3yr old, but my dp tells me she was vile to him when he was younger, inc one time punched him in the face and broke his nose. Social services were involved when he was younger but he didnt want to leave his younger brothers with her so lied.

She grew up in care as her mother was an alcoholic, so i suppose she had it tough, but still surley its her choice as a fully grown adult to treat people how you want to be treated?

She constantly uses the worst swear words inc f*k and C*t??? She is just NASTY.

I just don't want my dd to grow up thinking its ok to treat people like that.

OP posts:
alicet · 10/10/2008 10:46

I don't blame you for not wanting your dd to be around someon like her. No maic answers - if there were then you probably wouldn't have this problem I guess.

Think madamdeathstare's advice about cutitng short visits it good though. And I also wouldn't be letting my dd be with mil on her own without either myself or dp there is she has a history of behaving like this in the past even if she hasn't to your dd so far. WHo knows what might happen if your dd did something she didn't like?

And if she asks why she doesn't get the same priviledges your mum gets then tell her straight - she has let you down when you have relied on her before and this is not acceptable. And you don't like the way she treats you, your dp, her other sons and her grandson so you are not happy for dd to be with her unsupervised until she addresses the way she treats people.

TinkerBellesMum · 10/10/2008 11:01

If it was a father treating a mother like this and being wonderful to the child there would be no doubt that it was bad for the child.

I would cut back at the very least contact with her and if she asks, tell her. Tell her that you don't want your daughter thinking the way her grandmother treats people is acceptable, especially when her mother is one of the people being treated badly. Children learn what they see and if they see people being treated badly they will think that's OK.

alicet · 10/10/2008 12:46

TBM makes a good point too about the lessons your dd is learning from her even if she treats your dd well.

It says that it's OK to treat people like this and that's not on.

beanieb · 10/10/2008 13:13

I would say don't rely on her for childcare as she is obviously not as reliable as your own mum and she has already made you miss work. Perhaps just let her see your daughter at pre-arranged family gatherings.