in thinking stopping my mil seeing my dd for good???

[MyLittlePrincess]

My dd is 22mths. My mil is a completely horrible person. However, my dd absolutely LOVES her, though i cannot understand why, likewise my mil ADORES my dd.

She has done countless things which i'm sure she does just to try and upset me, and the last straw was her just swearing at me and put the phone down?

I was brought up to treat people with respect and I never ever come across someone like her before, all i do is bite my tongue. It is not in my nature to argue with people and I would never swear at someone.

I would happily cut her out of my life, my dp agrees with me that all she brings us is drama and doesn't want our dd to see her anymore, but i cant help feeling guilty that my dd will miss her?!

OK I revise my original answer, ya definitely nbu, in stopping your mil from seeing your dd, but mil sounds like a psychopath and I woule be careful how you handle it! Good luck.

I empathise with you. My MIL is toxic. Not violent, she doesn't swear, so she's not bad enough to cut contact with. In your case, I'd cut the ties and run to the hills. Tempers can only be controlled so far and if your dd pushes her one day, she could be on the receiving end of nasty nanny.

In my case, I put up, shut up and don't interact unless I absolutely have to. DH takes dd to her house and I only have to put up with them at Christmas. When I have to tolerate her all day! Thank god for Christmas Spirit. Without it, we'd be stuffed!

Mil badmouths me in front of DD who comes home and tells me, occasionally. I just laugh it off and say that nanny and I don't agree on things. But we do agree on the fact that we love her. Nanny's just being nanny and dd's not to worry about it.

I would love to cut ties, but, MIL loves dd. DD is the only grandchild in the family. My mum is 70 miles away, so we see her rarely and I think dd likes having a grandparent near. The world would be a much easier place without MILs for some of us though.

I really do think you need to stop this now as it will only get worse.
If you stop your DD seeing her gran you will be seen as doing it to spite you MIL when in fact you are protecting your DD so be ready for the fall out.
You have the backing of your DP and it sounds as if he knows what she is able to do, what sort of parent smacks a child in the face, let alone hard enough to break his noes?

Is there anything you and your DP can do to help his brother, poor boy also your DPs son, does he come to you? Do you speak with his mother? does she know granny is a nutter?

I think all the adults here need to stand firm and together to protect the children from this woman, and maybe when she sees what she has lost she will change

what you and your partner want is irrelevant.

Would your Dd miss out if she did not have her gran in her life?

DD is the most important factor here. if you and your partner dont want to have anyting to do with her then dont but dont deprive your child of a loving relationship justto be spitefull.

she is a child not a weapon

I do not think the child is being used as a weapon I think the OP is concerned for her child, and going on what has been said I would be too if it were my child

I had a grandmother like this.
She was so shitty to my parents, it was untrue, but spoilt us kids, cakes, sweets, presents...of course we loved it!
She used to tell us our parents were crap, that my mother was useless and couldn't cook..I was FIVE, I had no basis or ability to argue back, I thought what she said was true...but then I loved my mum...? Confused.
Then she would say "I'm going to poison your uncle, he's a bastard" and "I'll leave you my jewelerry and doll collection in my will, your aunt thinks she'll get it just because she's my daughter, but I hate her, I'm going to leave it to you." This is the aunt who waited on her hand and foot for 15 years.

Of course, I was thrilled to think I would get granny's doll collection (it was huge) but I was confused and later began to realise that cutting your children out of your will was wrong, but I had YEARS of this, and so did my brother, until it dawned on me, when I was about 14 what a vile and nasty person she was. We used to do these terrible duty visits and I started to refuse to go.
Looking back she caused untold damage to me and my relationships with my parents and aunt and she absolutely made my mum and dad's and aunt's life hell.

If your MIL is likely to talk badly about everyone to your DD and bribe her with sweets, cakes and presents, I would, from my own experience, limit the contact, as she sounds unbalanced.
My brother an I still talk about how horrible granny was and she been dead 20 years.

My granny hated my mum. There was no contact for a year or two. I had to (along with my db) go and visit her every Friday night with my dad. It was truly awful,she said really bad things about my mum sooo often.

I was only around 5/6 when the visits started,she used words about my mum i didn't understand eg slut/tart/bitch,and tho i didn't know what they were i knew my gran was being nasty.

I did actually like my gran but the feeling of being disloyal to my mum was hideous.

I would never make a child visit a GP who treated me lie that. My mum never knew about any of this till just recently btw. I stopped the visits when i was a teenager bcause i couldn't cope with her anymore.

Your dd won't suffer from not having an old bitch in her life,but she might if you allow her to have contact.

Oh and the other thing i hated was the fact that i was the favouite and my poor db didn't get a look in. She tolerated him so she could see me!!

Miggsie Sounds like we had the same granny!!

I think the last 2 posters have given you an excellent reason for why it might be worth standing your ground on this one OP and limiting your mil's contact with you dd to supervised visits only.

I think from memory (was on here yesterday) that your dp is supportive of this - if he is not maybe just get him to read this thread?

Good luck

I don't believe in contact at any cost. Grandparents can be fab but spiteful ones (even if 'only' to the DIL) are toxic and should be kept at arms length. To have a relationship with YOUR daughter she HAS TO respect you. That may not be a popular view but it is how I feel. Letting your DP take your child wihout you is just letting your MIL get her way (by not accepting or respecting you) and also letting DD see that you have accepted being excluded and being treated this way. Refusing contact until she is civil shows DD that people can/have to be civil.

My MIL is simelar and has been horrific to me but expected to be 'close' to the GKids. It was not possible when she didn't respect me although she tried everything to split us up and take over DDs life. It has been many years now and, as she has been made to see us all as a family, (on most occasions) she is actually civil to me and DH now. She also has abit more respect for DH as a father as she used to slag him off in front of our DC. She has a good relationship with our DC but not the one she wanted, we have all compromised (I would have happily not seen her at all or let her see DC but for their sake and DH sake I continued it but insisted on respect, luckily DH eventually stood up to her and for me) which is the only way it will work.

I started off reading the op and thinking pretty much the same as Mamazon, but after reading your further posts, I think it is fair to say that in your shoes, I would continue the relationship but only if I was there - ie, big family gatherings and no more.

Sorry havent read all these threads, but surely if mil disrespects you( and you are being reasonable, always check that), your partner, her son wants her out, its a no brainer.
Your child will be influenced by her and this will undermine you.
I never missed my grandparents and even though gd lives with us,dont subscribe to the emotional crap arguement that kids NEED gps.

Tell your dd that granny is naughty for behaving as she does ,then bribe dd with ice cream and a new puppy!

I have a toxic MIL, and would say that if you can reduce the contact your DD has with her do it now. It will have much less impact on a 22 month old than when she's older.

A few years down the line she could be picking up and copying the way her gran speaks and acts and it will be a whole lot harder to reduce the contact and to get your DD's behaviour back on track.

shes a loon

i'd stay away