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AIBU?

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Original poster

14 weeks pregnant and husband won't learn to drive

99 replies

Cookiemg · 07/10/2008 07:45

I have known my husband for 2.5 years and from the start he said that he had no desire to learn to drive. Back then his reasons were that he got road rage on a bike so what would he now be like in a car. I am 14 weeks pregnant and although I can drive I am envisioning many situations where it is going to be really useful if he could too.I asked him again if he would learn and he said that it is becoming increasingly obvious that he will have to.
I have set myself up here, I am now depending on him learning and when he doesn't, which I know he will side step I am going to become really hurt.

What should I do so that this is not a huge thing between us and that I don't feel that he is doing this to spite me.

Xxxx

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 07/10/2008 07:49

People do manage without driving licences - do you live in the country?

Does he still get road rage on a bike? His reason for not learning to drive makes some sense to me, but if he tends towards bursts of anger, that may pose a problem when you have a baby, too ...

RubyRioja · 07/10/2008 07:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

belgo · 07/10/2008 07:52

I'm sure he's not doing it to spite you. Some people just really don't want to drive, in many cases due to anxiety. I know several couples were the husband doesn't drive and it's not really a problem. I don't drive myself, and I certainly don't do it to spite my husband. I get around fine walking and using the bus.

Upwind · 07/10/2008 07:53

Suggest lessons and book them?

DON'T try to teach him yourself as it will lead to much grief. Do help him practise if he wants. And let go, learning to drive is a big thing, he might not be ready before the baby is born and he might decide it is not for him. He is not doing it to spite you.

For years and years my DH tried to get me to drive. I never really wanted to and hated lessons. I hated the responsibility of being in charge of a tonne of steel. Eventually I found a fantastic instructor (my third) and I just clicked with him. He was able to calm and reassure me and make lessons enjoyable. So I eventually passed. Even now I don't like driving and avoid it where possible. But I can drive and it does make things easier to manage as a family.

Twiglett · 07/10/2008 07:54

I feel your pain

DH had a licence but would not drive

When I had DS he took a refresher course of 20 or so lessons and picked me up from hospital (c-section) and then never drove again

When I had DD, a friend had to pick me up from hospital

Now children are older and going to outside clubs he took another refresher course of 20 or so lessons and has started driving short trips so he can drop off and pick up

But still the main driving is mine

It works out eventually - don't let it upset you - it really isn't crucial, just helpful when they're doing out of school weekend activities

hecate · 07/10/2008 07:55

Why are you depending on him driving? Anything you need to do, you can still do.

What you should make clear to him, however, is that you have no intention of being his taxi and you will not drive him anywhere he needs to go, unless you happen to be going there too.

If he doesn't want to learn to drive, that's his choice, but he can't make you his chauffeur!

And NQC is quite right - if he gets angry to the point of being scared of himself when some random stranger cuts him up or fails to indicate then what is he going to do when your baby won't stop crying for 14 hours or gets hold of a pen and scribbles all over your wall, or takes off their nappy and smears the contents on the carpet, or throws their food on the floor.....

Twiglett · 07/10/2008 07:55

the biggest issue is when he does take lessons and does pass you ahve to make him drive a couple of times a week or he'll forget it all again

and people TRULY learn to drive after they've passed IMO

belgo · 07/10/2008 08:00

I agree though he should have lessons and at least try and learn to drive - and also agree about the anger issue - if he really does get road rage, he needs to think about how he manages his anger.

Twiglett - that story gives me hope. I have a license and I know I'm not a bad driver, I'm just terrified and I think I'd be a bad driver if I'm so nervous. But I know as the children are getting older they will want me to drive them to places and pick them up a lot more then I can do on the bus.

cory · 07/10/2008 08:01

Some random thoughts:

I don't think road rage is necessarily going to translate into rage at small baby.

Even if he does take driving lessons, there is no guarantee that he will have passed the test by the time the baby is born, so I would look into ways of managing going into labour/caring for small baby without relying on this.

Neither of us was able to drive when my dc's were born, but living in a city we managed fine with a combination of taxis and public transport.

P.S. everybody is assuming that the OP's dh is using her as a taxi service, but she hasn't actually said that. Perhaps he is just independent- like a lot of us?

HomeintheSun · 07/10/2008 08:06

my BIL started to learn while his wife was pregnant, which was a good thing cause he ended up driving her (with L plates on) to the hospital, four years later and I don't think he's driven since.

hecate · 07/10/2008 08:07

No, you are right, I did assume she was his taxi service, but yes, he may well make his own way everywhere!

Re rage - ime, an angry person is an angry person. I have NEVER come across someone who had regular road rage (and if you say you can't drive because you WILL have road rage, if you can predict that - then that says something about you, I think.) I have NEVER come across someone who had regular road rage who was a calm person in all other areas of their life, and just aggressive and angry as soon as they got behind the wheel, and then calmed down as soon as they left the car...

Everyone loses their temper at some point, but regular road rage is different. regular road rage is indicative of an anger problem.

cory · 07/10/2008 08:07

Oh Belgo, managing older children I have found it a great advantage not having a family car and not being able to drive . It doesn't mean they can't have leisure activities, just that they have to learn to be selective and accept that they can't do absolutely everything. And we are not spending our lives being their taxi service.

May have to change since dd is disabled, but I will miss the peaceful life.

largeginandtonic · 07/10/2008 08:11

Mine does not drive, mostly it doeas not matter but is annoying when you have to drive yourself to hospital in prem labour....

He does want to drive but it costs a fortune and he is away so much.

I sympathise.

cory · 07/10/2008 08:13

largeginandtonic on Tue 07-Oct-08 08:11:47
"Mine does not drive, mostly it doeas not matter but is annoying when you have to drive yourself to hospital in prem labour...."

Ah but with the money saved on driving lessons you should be able to afford a fair few taxi rides. I had a lot of problems in both pregnancies and found taxi drivers a great source of comfort.

belgo · 07/10/2008 08:16

I know a family with four children who don't drive, due to strong environmental principles. They use the bus, trains and mostly cycle everywhere with the children in a special trailer or on speical seats - they are all very fit. And both parents work and the children do loads of activities. It just shows it can be done.

MrsMattie · 07/10/2008 08:21

Is he anxious about learning to drive? His 'reasons' sound like excuses to me.

wotulookinat · 07/10/2008 08:22

My DH learnt to drive just after our son was born. He was 30 then. He was positive that he would never be able to do it - so I pointed out all the idiots that can do it, so why shouldn't he?
I think if i didn't drive then he might not have learnt, but because I do drive, and have a car, he wanted to do it.
Plus the taxis around where we used to live were useless and very expensive!!! It cost £25 to get to hospital when I went into labour and cost him the same to get home and then to come back the next day.

largeginandtonic · 07/10/2008 08:36

Yes but there are not many taxis you can fit 6 children in to...

We live away from family and travel together, especially in crisis

SheikYerbouti · 07/10/2008 08:40

My DP doesn'#t drive

It used to piss me off alot, but I have learnt to live with it. We have 2 kids and manage with one of us driving - in fact we tend not to use the car at all if we can help it.

The only time it was problematic was when I had a CS (both times) and couldn't drive for a bit afterwards. We managed to get around it by getting shopping online and walking to everything

To be honest, it's not that big a deal. I remember feeling the same as you when I was pregnant first time, and now I just shrug my shoulders.

You can;t make him do it, I'm afraid. You will manage - as did I and millions of others the world over.

Concentrate on enjoying your pregnancy instead - you can get a taxi or ambulance to hospital in labour, and I am sure there will be willing volunteers to pick you up (I know those were the things worrying me). Don't worry about it.

SheikYerbouti · 07/10/2008 08:44

And my DP doesn't use me as a taxi service - he walks to and from work everyday and everywhere else he goes to, he walks or gets the bus.

I think in all the years we have been together, I can remember 2 occasions where he asked me for a lift.

This sort of attitude is all Maggie Thatcher's fault, you know.

Upwind · 07/10/2008 08:44

As one who has never wanted to drive and never enjoyed doing it I find it strange that my DH likes it. He can't see why I have a problem with it, and I suppose I can't really explain. I think that years of cycling made me very aware of how dangerous drivers are.

SheikYerbouti · 07/10/2008 08:49

Upwinds - DP and I are like that - I love driving, but he isn't bothered by it.

It is a bone of contention between us sometimes, but I don;t let it get to me. It annoys me in the same way as him leaving his socks on the bathroom floor, or him leaving bristles in the sink after a shave. What pisses me off more is when I get "Why won;t X learn to drive" and "When;s he going to stop relying on you and get driving lesson" Nosey wankers

daizydoo · 07/10/2008 08:50

My DH can't drive either, although he has taken lessons and tests! I've got used to being driver, baby feeder etc. Not ideal but not the end of the world either!

SaintRiven · 07/10/2008 08:54

my dh doesn't drive and has never used me a taxi service. Most years we don't own a car anyhow.
To be honest I don't blame him. We've only had the car a coupleof months and I hate every second I have to drive it.

Upwind · 07/10/2008 09:03

Sheik - I did eventually learn to drive and it did not change much. There have been a handful of occasions when it has made sense for me to drive, basically when DH is unavailable or has been drinking and I've not. He nearly always drives and I still happily walk/cycle/train/bus wherever I want to go. It is more convenient that I can do it but not exactly life changing. It probably has not been worth the cost of the lessons to be honest, though at least it no longer mildly annoys him!

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