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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

14 weeks pregnant and husband won't learn to drive

99 replies

Cookiemg · 07/10/2008 07:45

I have known my husband for 2.5 years and from the start he said that he had no desire to learn to drive. Back then his reasons were that he got road rage on a bike so what would he now be like in a car. I am 14 weeks pregnant and although I can drive I am envisioning many situations where it is going to be really useful if he could too.I asked him again if he would learn and he said that it is becoming increasingly obvious that he will have to.
I have set myself up here, I am now depending on him learning and when he doesn't, which I know he will side step I am going to become really hurt.

What should I do so that this is not a huge thing between us and that I don't feel that he is doing this to spite me.

Xxxx

OP posts:
Janos · 07/10/2008 20:26

You don't NEED to be able to drive with a child (unless you live a rural area without public transport).

I've managed for nearly 4 years..it's not the end of the world! You can't force someone to learn I'm afraid.

Josiepink · 07/10/2008 20:30

My DH drives but he leaves at 7am and isn't home until 6pm every night. Therefore, I have to drive myself and DS every day. It isn't a big deal - don't worry about it and just focus your energy in positive directions.

Starbear · 07/10/2008 20:45

haven't read all the posts. I have a friend who has 13 yes 13 children and he doesn't drive. Their kids are fit as fiddles. Also have a friend that is blind and her DH has serious sight problems. her son has to walk everywhere. She is an inspiration to me We don't have two cars and my DS walks everywhere with me and we get the bus. (I can drive but hate it)

Poledra · 07/10/2008 22:20

I take your point Elasticwoman, but he had always told me the reason he had not learned to drive was lack of opportunity and/or lack of finance. So I naively thought that when we had the cash, he'd learn...... I guess I'm the one who has learned.

Anyway, I didn't marry him expecting him to remain exactly the same without learning new things for the rest of our lives! It wasn't an issue that he couldn't drive pre-dc, and besides, the car was mine I tell you. Now I have an MPV, I'm not so precious about it, strangely.

jelliebelly · 07/10/2008 22:35

If he doesn't want to or need to learn to drive (and never has by the sounds of it) then you are going to have an uphill struggle to ever convince him otherwise. The fact that you are having a baby is rather irrelevant tbh.

ShyBaby · 07/10/2008 22:37

Oh dear. I cant drive.

I need to, I should. It would open up a whole new world for me if I could drive. More job opportunities, far easier life etc.

But I am terrified of driving.

I dont want to. I hate it.

I've had lessons, three times (three times, not three lessons ). Once at 18, then again at about 21 and again at 28.

It seems like some far off dream tbh...I just HATE it. You cannot imagine the fear I feel when I get in the driver's seat! I DO NOT WANT TO DRIVE. EVER.

CarGirl · 07/10/2008 22:41

My dh has his licence but has driven for about 12 years (longer than I've known him) he cycles and uses trains I am not his taxi service!!!

We have 4 dc and tbh I like the fact that I can have the car whenever I want .

We also bought a house in a location that took his non-driving into to account and now the girls only do activities that I am happy to commit to do the driving for or they are in walking distance and dh does his share. Saves a fortune in stress and petrol costs.

We would have got a taxi/phoned an ambulance if need be but MIL always helped out with induction drops off and we got a taxi back after the birth.

saffiw · 07/10/2008 22:53

You are being unreasonable, you knew he couldn't drive when you took him on. You should of dumped him at the beginning of your relationship, if his non driving was such an issue.

Quattrocento · 07/10/2008 22:56

You are being hormonal ... He is still your DH and you love him really, don't sweat the small stuff. HTH

Elasticwoman · 08/10/2008 07:55

Poledra, I naively married my dh expecting that he could mend things around the house, like my dad did. Not so - despite a science
degree he is almost as useless with a screwdriver as I am. Oh well.

CoteDAzur · 08/10/2008 08:07

My DH learned to drive when I was about 12 weeks pregnant with DD. He has been driving ever since.

I agree with whoever said to book him some lessons and tell him when/where he is expected to show up for them.

Cicatrice · 08/10/2008 09:55

I can't drive, but I am now learning. We live in the city but want to have a garden so will have to move quite far out. I can walk to work now but that won't be an option.

I don't like it. My mother was killed in a car crash and I have another relative who was permanently disabled in (a different) crash. DH has never put me under pressure to drive, but he is quietly v pleased that I am learning.

Driving is a really big deal for some people. Within my family 2 of my male cousins don't drive (v unusual in a rural area) and 2 others only learned to drive in their 40s. I'm 38 this is my first serious attempt.

I don't think that you can compell your DH to drive if he really has the fear. I know that no one could have convinced me to do it until I was ready. And, even now, I don't see myself ever driving abroad or doing long drives.

cupsoftea · 08/10/2008 09:58

Do you have a car? if so then it's good for you as you can get about without having to rely on your dh.

megmums · 28/01/2009 20:09

I got pregnant, Dh said he would learn to drive..our daughter is now 13 months old and no sign of the L plates! I have given up.

mumeeee · 28/01/2009 23:11

YABU. I don't drive and have no desire to learn. DH does drive and we have always got along fine. I walk a lot and use public transport.

Spidermama · 28/01/2009 23:15

My brother really doesn't want to drive. He hates cars and car culture. This causes a great deal of tension between him and his wife.

She's pregnant, they have a two year old daughter and they live in London.

DB can drive but just doesn't want to and I firmly believe that's his right.

I'm really proud of DB for his stance about cars. I wish more people would think like him.

morocco · 28/01/2009 23:15

ooh, the car all to yourself! lucky girl

leftangle · 29/01/2009 11:42

YABU You can't force him to drive if he doesn't want to and if you have coped before you will continue to cope.
I have a driving licence but always get so scared and stressed when I drive that I've not used it for years. I took some extra lessons a few years ago to try and start up again but just couldn't do it - would always end up shaky and tearful after a journey so have every sympathy for your DH. My DP is brilliant about not pressuring me though I know it would be useful but I'd find it really upsetting if anyone tried to make me drive.

mayorquimby · 29/01/2009 12:01

"I have known my husband for 2.5 years and from the start he said that he had no desire to learn to drive."

first line is the deal-breaker for me. you have known all along he doesn't want to learn how to drive, seems a bit unfair to start getting mad about it seems a bit like moving the goal-posts to me.
i'd agree with others that you should not allow him to think of you as being his chauffeur and any lifts you give him should be considered a favour not a right.
but you can't force him to do something he doesn't want to do, no more than he should be allowed to force you.

soopermum1 · 29/01/2009 12:32

i don't see the big deal about having to be able to drive when you become a parent, unless you live in the back and beyond and I assume yout DH has managed absolutely fine until now.

I don't drive, DH does. I think it gives us the best of both worlds. when DS is with me he knows he has to walk, in whatever weather, or get the bus etc. It's good exercise for us both. Even when DH is around, we don't drive everywhere.

MillyR · 29/01/2009 12:39

I think YABU.

There isn't a need to be able to drive just because you have a child (except if you live in a very rural area or have some other exceptional need).

He made it clear that he did not want to learn to drive. Why are you putting him under pressure to do something he doesn't want to do? I find it hard to believe this is really about driving. Do you have a general feeling that he is not bothered about the baby and rather than address that you are making an issue over driving? Because if so, you do need to sort that out with him.

Almeida · 29/01/2009 12:41

Do you drive cookiemg?

amidaiwish · 29/01/2009 12:56

i thank my lucky stars that age 17 my dad said "now you learn to drive" and paid for lessons and that was that.
no debate or discussion, it's just what you did in my family when you turned 17.
lucky me i know.
but then of course with 2 younger sisters i became their taxi service, flipping nightmare!

VictorianSqualor · 29/01/2009 12:58

This is an old resurrected thread.

But anyway. People have a choice. I REALLY don't want to drive and I get extremely angry when DP tries to make me learn. I don't WANT to drive! And why should I? To make other people's lives easier? Nah.

occludo · 11/08/2010 06:11

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