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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

14 weeks pregnant and husband won't learn to drive

99 replies

Cookiemg · 07/10/2008 07:45

I have known my husband for 2.5 years and from the start he said that he had no desire to learn to drive. Back then his reasons were that he got road rage on a bike so what would he now be like in a car. I am 14 weeks pregnant and although I can drive I am envisioning many situations where it is going to be really useful if he could too.I asked him again if he would learn and he said that it is becoming increasingly obvious that he will have to.
I have set myself up here, I am now depending on him learning and when he doesn't, which I know he will side step I am going to become really hurt.

What should I do so that this is not a huge thing between us and that I don't feel that he is doing this to spite me.

Xxxx

OP posts:
Elasticwoman · 07/10/2008 09:04

If he really doesn't want to, then let him stay a non driver. But he shouldn't be allowed to use it as an excuse for getting out of taking the dc anywhere. I know several mothers with non-driving husbands. It can work; you just need to plan ahead.

My own dh had to stop driving for medical reasons for a year and I coped, but it was hard.

hecate · 07/10/2008 09:13

I used to use my husband as a taxi service

Original poster
Cookiemg · 07/10/2008 09:56

Thank you so much for all of this. Way back at the beginning he gave the 'road rage' reason for not wanting to drive and now when asked he says that because he lives in a city he has never felt the need to learn. We have both lived in cities all of our lives. I think the first response is the true one.

I wouldn't doubt him at all with a baby, I think the anxiety is related only to driving.

In my mind I am trying to get things in place for baby and he seems to be reading off a different page. I don't want to be let down by him, so it is easier to have no expectations.

thank you all

OP posts:
mousekin · 07/10/2008 10:13

You could say that if he is unwilling to learn to drive, then maybe you are going to become unwilling to wash , cook and clean for him.
becoming a parent takes two, running a household takes two and working as a team takes two.
Granted, driving a car takes one, ( unless you live with a back seat driver )

Compromise is the main thing. You are not asking more of him than he can do, after all he is a big boy now. if you have to pass a water melon out of you in several months time, then he can learn to drive.

Or you could do reverse physc on him, and get him to think of it as his idea, let him mull it over for a few days ( men tend to respond to things when left to mull) then he may come back to you and say it was his idea and he wants to learn to drive.
Feed him well while dropping ideas in his head, that seems to work too.

thegirlwiththecurl · 07/10/2008 10:16

I have to say. cookiemg, it would annoy me if dh didn't drive. I didn't drive when i first met dh and as soon as it was financially viable, I learnt as i hated depending on him to do it all. Whilst your dh may noy be being used as a taxi service, visiting relatives and friends that don't live near, doing big shops etc etc would mean you would do all the driving, and that can build up resentment. We have recently moved and no longer need to use the car apart from journeys back home to visit people, but I could not have dropped the children off at various childcare places and got myself into work on time without the car, so they are sometimes useful! But, saying that, you can't force someone to learn to drive - it will be a costly mistake and, given you are about to have a baby, prob not the best time to be spending that money.

Also...in the area where I used to live, taxi firms refused to carry a woman in labour to the hosp....just something to keep in mind.

whoops · 07/10/2008 10:21

My dh doesn't drive but I do, we cope with it! It can be a pain in the arse when it is me that has to nip out for a pint of milk or whatever but I know I always have the car there
When I was pg and needed to get to the hopsital was the hard thing to work out but we had offers from people it didn't really matter (until MIL was too busy the day I needed to go to hospital at 33 weeks to have ds and she was too busy but that's another story!)
I've been with dh 8 years now and he did have lessons but it is so expensive we do without and hope that may be next year he will actually pass his test!

mrsruffallo · 07/10/2008 10:26

You can cope with one child without a car-why ion earth do you think it is essential?

mrsruffallo · 07/10/2008 10:28

I also agree that it is not necessary when living in a big city.

TheHedgeWitch · 07/10/2008 10:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

EffiePerine · 07/10/2008 10:31

it isn;t about him letting you down, he is allowed to not drive if he wants. Neither my husband or I can drive, we live in a city, no problems.

I think a lot of this is about pg hormones - you may need to accept you are being unreasonable and back off a bit. Preferring not to drive is not a rejectiomn of you/your baby/your new family life

(disclaimer: am 28 wks pg and def unreasonable most of the time!)

bronze · 07/10/2008 10:35

At least he hasn't been leading you on about it. Hes always said he doesnt want to drive.

I don't drive and though I started to learn when pg with number 3 I now feel like I don't want to. We can't afford to anyway and soon driving is going to be a luxury that a lot of people can't afford.
I'll be ahead of them though as I am quite capable of arranging my life around no car.

I guess it helps I grew up in a family where neither of my parents drove either though.

MoonlightMcKenzie · 07/10/2008 10:40

My mum was mostly a single parent of 4 children born in 5 tears. She couldn't drive but still managed to get me to swimming twice a week, woodcraft once a week and to orchestra, - same with my 3 brothers, and we all walked once or twice a week rain or shine, the 4 mile round trip to my grandmas (well youngest two in double buggy).

Driving is a good skill to have, but it isn't essential.

Poppycake · 07/10/2008 11:00

agree with the last posters. And really don't book him driving lessons when he's said he doesn't want to learn to drive - that would infuriate me! With online shopping etc it really isn't necessary. My dp and I both drive, but keep it to a minumum - it's nice at weekends to go to NT properties and up on the moors for picnics and walks, and I would be sad if neither of us drove and we couldn't do that, but then, we wouldn't know!! It's hardly the same as not doing the washing!

Let him make his own decisions.

TheDuchessOfNork · 07/10/2008 11:18

We live in the country, DH doesn't drive. We have 4 DCs. I have 2 separate school runs and the elder 3 do various sports clubs. It's really not so hard. Shopping gets delivered. DH rides/walks or arranges taxis as he needs them.

I'd stop worrying about your DH not driving, it sounds like it's beyond your control anyway. Organise enough friends, family & neighbours to cover the going in and out of hospital for birth and sort out home delivery shopping (if you don't already have it) and you'll be just fine!

SummatAnNowt · 07/10/2008 11:24

Why on earth would he be doing it to spite you?! From the moment you met he didn't want to learn to drive.

Now YOU are changing the rules and have already set yourself up to be the victim (I will become really hurt, he's doing it to spite me) if he remains exactly the same. Poor guy.

Tortington · 07/10/2008 11:26

i second those that say you need to learn to drive if you dont already

mayorquimby · 07/10/2008 12:34

i think YABU.in your own words
"and from the start he said that he had no desire to learn to drive."
but now you're moving the goal posts and acting as though his desire to not drive is in someway a definite action against you.
does he relie on you constantly for lifts or does he still use bike/bus/trains to get around on his own.
it really sounds as though you are painting yourself as the victim here.pregnant,vulnerable and your husband is deliberately not learning to drive to hurt you and spite you?come on.
there's loads of people who don't drive and get on with life fine.

expatinscotland · 07/10/2008 12:35

Well, he did say he had no desire to learn to drive.

What's with these dudes who don't or can't drive?

SaintRiven · 07/10/2008 13:38

How much are driving lessons and the whole package nowadys?

bronze · 07/10/2008 13:39

£40+ ish for a two hour lesson

SaintRiven · 07/10/2008 13:44

bloody hell. So if you needed 10 lessons you'd be looing at 400 quid!
Buggered if I'm paying for the kids to learn to drive.

EachPeachPearMum · 07/10/2008 13:53

Most people need a lot more than 10 lessons too!

DH doesn't drive, and yes, when I was in labour, and had an emcs with DD is was a PITA, but we too live in a city- there is no need for him to drive, just the convenience.

Previously he learned, and took his test twice, but then gave up due to time constraints (self-employed) That was 6 years ago, so his theory test lapsed.
He has redone his theory, as I a pg again... but hasn't actually booked any lessons

He doesn't expect me to take him places, but it would be nice to share the driving on longer journeys, particularly now I'm 6mo and very tired.

wehaveallbeenthere · 07/10/2008 14:11

hecate and all the rest that talk about anger issues are right. My first husband was like this..if you force yours to learn to drive he will resent you and this could give him an "excuse" to take it out on you and your unborn baby. I say "excuse" because that is all it is when a person cannot control their emotions to the point where something will set them off to the point of violence. From that point (the first incidence) it usually just escalates.
You need to become more independent and utilize friends and other modes of transportation in the event you cannot drive yourself. I would not put yourself in a position where you have to depend on anyone that claims they don't want to do something due to rage.

Poledra · 07/10/2008 14:22

I have sympathy for the OP - my dh does not drive and it can be infuriating. For example, our oldest daughter was poorly on Saturday night (earache) and we thought we were goig to have to take her to the emergency GP, 45 minutes drive away. So I would have had to take our 11-week old exclusively-bf dd3 also (at 11pm on an autumn night) because he cannot drive. And I would have had to go on my own so he could look after dd2 who was asleep upstairs. A 4-yo crying with the pain in her ears, and an 11-week old baby - smashing! Then he has the cheek to say I was getting a little panicky. And the last time I took one of our children to the emergency GP, I had to wait 40 minutes after I got there to see the GP, who had gone out on a call-out in between me being told to drive to them and me actually getting there (my child needed nebulised BTW, so was not just being an over-anxious mother ). I think I was justified in feeling a little panicky.

However, under no circumstances book lessons for him - when we got married our best man bought my dh driving lessons, as he thought it was time for him to learn, and the lessons have never been used - what a waste of money

Elasticwoman · 07/10/2008 18:42

Poledra and OP - you knew he didn't drive when you married/took him on. No good moaning about it now.

A friend of mine persuaded her boyfriend to learn to drive by buying a new car and refusing ever to drive him in it unless he learned. He did, and can drive but doesn't unless he has to.

Once you have children with a man he's got you over a barrel - you have no bargaining chips at all. The time to get him to do what you want is way before any children are born.

Cynical - moi?