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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider asking dd father for maintenance when I have told him I don't want it and he has another child to support.

26 replies

twinsetandpearls · 05/10/2008 22:15

I have not taken child support for my dd as we have never really needed it, I didn;t want to have to rely on him , I didn't like how he earnt his money and I knew he had a child to support.

But I may be leaving my dp in a few months and money will be tight. To be honest even if I stay with dp we may need the maintenance as we have some money problems after taking out a loan for medical bills ( to treat my depression (caused in part by dd father's abusive behaviour) and we have still not sold our house so we are paying mortgage plus rent.

I really do not want to have to ask for the money but I may have to swallow my pride. But am I being unfair to ask for maintenance out of the blue after saying I did not want it.

OP posts:
Grammaticus · 05/10/2008 22:16

No. You are entitled to it. That is the law.

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 05/10/2008 22:17

My dp ( who is not dd father) has offered to pay maintenance to help dd and I if we split and to help us get somewhere to live but I know he does not need to do this and I cannot rely in him remaining reasonable.

OP posts:
dizzywitches · 05/10/2008 22:18

no but can you give him some notice that circumstances are about to change seeing as you'd told him previously you didn't want it?

sorry to hear all this btw

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 05/10/2008 22:19

I know I am entitled but he has created a lifestyle around the fact I do not want money from him. I will be putting this nin jeapordy and he has another child to support. He also earns around half of what I do so life is a real struggle for him. His realtionship with his girlfriend has just broken down and he is having to play trainfairs to visit his son with his girlfriend and my dd. If I ask for maintenance he will certainly not see my dd and it will be difficult to see his son.

OP posts:
Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 05/10/2008 22:21

I don;t want to tell him that dp and I are having problems but I could maybe say that things are financially tight and we may need to ask for maintenance.

I just feel like I am punishing dd father because I have fucked up.

OP posts:
mrsruffallo · 05/10/2008 22:23

You're not punishing him at all- he should want to pay for his daughters upbringing-she is his responsibility too.

mrsruffallo · 05/10/2008 22:25

It his responsibility to raise the money for train fares too- he has it easy up to now but honestly, don't feel guilty for asking him for money.
Your dd deserves it

scorpio1 · 05/10/2008 22:26

you are entitled to it - you could use the online CSA calculator to come up with the 'fair' amount iyswim

moondog · 05/10/2008 22:27

OMG, what a mess.

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 05/10/2008 22:29

I just feel guilty as they have a baby to raise on one income. We as a couple have a lot more coming in as we both work and even if I end up on my own I still earn a lot more than my ex husband.

If dp and I stay the money will be used for her horseriding and dancing, not lifes necessities but things dd wants to do. But the tought that dd father would not be able to feed, clothe or visit how own child so dd can do her activities strikes me as wrong.

If dp and I split however I will need the momey for fundamentals.

OP posts:
scorpio1 · 05/10/2008 22:30

Are you getting correct tax credits, child benefit, etc?

that thought would be horrid though

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 05/10/2008 22:31

I know moondog.

I think i will get promoted in my current job soon so could then be financially independent again so would not need support from anyone.

Dp and I are really trying to make it work but we are in last chance saloon.

OP posts:
alicet · 05/10/2008 22:32

I can understand why you feel guilty but at the end of the day it is none of his business how you choose to spend this money.

And if he has created a lifestyle based on not having to pay maintenance then that is his problem.

Good luck sorting this out

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 05/10/2008 22:34

I have a feeling I earn to much to get any help - I earn £35K a year.

I have looked at the csa website and I think he should be paying about £40 a week so not a huge amount but if I am on my own it will help. Or if I stay with dp it will just cushion dd from some of the financial strain at the moment.

I feel wrong as I have just knowingly taken a paycut so dd and I could have more time together. So again it feels as if I am making my ex husband pay for our lifestyle choices.

OP posts:
scorpio1 · 05/10/2008 22:35

you can get some tax credit up to £58k (ish)joint household income.

scorpio1 · 05/10/2008 22:36

tax credits

Simplysally · 05/10/2008 22:38

T&P - you don't want to make your exp change his lifestyle by paying maintenance but you are feeling guilty for taking a paycut so you can spend more time with your dd?

If he's got two children with different women your ex will have to learn to juggle his finances better in the same way as he juggles his time with the children. He's lucky you haven't asked him for help before. I'm not advocating taking every spare penny he's got but it's not unreasonable to ask for some financial support. In the meantime, check you are getting all teh benefits and discounts you are entitled to.

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 05/10/2008 22:39

I am very reluctant to go anywhere near tax credits tbh. We recived them when I was a SAHM and worked part time and they overpaid us. I had checked a number of times if we were getting the correct amount and each time was told yes. We then got a summons for thousands of pounds which wiped out our savings which we had put by for my medical treatment.

OP posts:
Twinklemegan · 05/10/2008 22:40

If you will have more money than him, even if you do split from your current dp, then I think it would be unreasonable for you to ask for maintenance. Both children have equal rights - it would, after all, be maintenance for your child and not for you. It is not fair that the other child goes without so you can maintain your lifestyle.

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 05/10/2008 22:41

He is lucky Simplysally and I think it was ridiculous of him to have a baby he could not afford and especially in a relationship which clearlt had problems. We have helped my ex and his new family out for a long time, I have taken on the debts from our marriage as well as buying them clothes, toys etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 05/10/2008 22:45

TwinklemeganIf I become a single mum I may earn more than my ex husband who is supporting two children but I suspect the mother of his second child may not find life much harder than me as I know he pays most of her living costs and she claims benefits.

I would say it is fair that the father pays equal ammounts to each child, his girlfriend has the same level of education as me so she could go out to work as I do to support her own child.

OP posts:
Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 05/10/2008 22:47

Having said that twinklemegan I do feel uneasy as I know that any maintenance I get for my dd will be less money for that baby.

OP posts:
latelateshow · 05/10/2008 22:52

You are not asking a favour from him

He has to, by law, maintain his children

His lifestyle choices are his own entirely, as are yours

The CSA will calculate what maintenance your child is entitled to

Twinklemegan · 05/10/2008 22:53

Well then you've answered your own question then!

But IMO there is a big difference between £35k and £17.5k when it comes to raising children, as I'm sure you know. And if his g/f is on benefits then he will be forced to pay alot of money to her via the CSA. For once in this world, the second child would take priority. You will find yourself with a choice of managing on your own or near-bankrupting him, as he won't be able to change the amount he pays to her regardless whether she earns or not. And also do ask yourself which is more important, money for you or your dd's contact with her dad - as you say he won't be able to afford to see her if he's paying you. Unfortunately, DH's ex has always chosen the former.

I'm simply trying to stick up for the other side of the argument here, as I know it is generally under-represented here on Mumsnet.

Twinklemegan · 05/10/2008 22:56

X posts. I meant you'd answered your question with your first reply to me. It's perfectly natural you would put yourself and your dd first, although it's good that you are thinking about the other child as well, because most ex's don't.