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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not let dd take part in tomorrows lesson about smoking?

114 replies

frankbestfriend · 01/10/2008 20:35

So, dd came out of school today completely distraught after having a lady come in to talk to the class about smoking.

Dh is a smoker who is extremely considerate of others, he smokes in the garden, and never when we are out and about with dd, even if we are outdoors.

Although I appreciate the need to educate the children about the risks of smoking and encourage them to never start, I feel todays lesson has gone beyond that.

The children were asked to put up their hands if their parents smoke, and then shown pictures of organs cut from the bodies of smokers after their deaths. They were told that this is what will happen to their parents. They were also given homework, to go home and tell their parents about the diseased organs, and point out the various poisons they are inhaling when they smoke.

Dd is traumatised.
I think making them identify themselves as children of smokers in front of the class(dd says people were looking at her and saying eeurgh!) is going too far. Imagine if they had shown the heart of someone with obesity related heart disease and asked them to put their hand up if they had a fat parent

It seems a little militant, and also as if the children are being made to take responsibility for an adults choice.

She is only 7 and has been beside herself with worry tonight. Tomorrow she has to go into the lesson and report back on her dad's response, and I really don't want her to have to go through this again.

So, AIBU? I know I am probably about to be bashed to death by the anti smoking brigade.

OP posts:

Lauriefairycake · 01/10/2008 20:37

I think it's appropriate - your dh is doing something damaging to his body

but it's also time for you to give an appropriate lesson about life not being black and white and daddy not smoking every minute of every day - much like she doesn't eat the perfect healthy food every minute of every day

AnarchyAunt · 01/10/2008 20:38

Actually I agree with you, and I'm certainly not the anti-smoking brigade even though I don't smoke.

Its far too much for 7 year olds.

They do need to be made aware of the dangers but gradually in an age-appropriate way.

nametaken · 01/10/2008 20:38

how are you going to let your dd not take part in the smoking lesson? Will you keep her home for whole day (unauthorised absence) , or will you ask what time the smoking lesson is and then go and remove her from the premises for the length of the lesson.

biscuitsmustbedunkedintea · 01/10/2008 20:41

I'm anti smoking but I don't think you are being unreasonable. Yes teach them at school what smoking can do to you, but do it once at Secondary school. To use a small child to get at the grown ups about smoking is wrong wrong wrong! Poor children will prob start having nightmares that mummy/daddy are going to die tomorrow as they smoke.

Friendlypizzaeater · 01/10/2008 20:42

My Lo (just 6) goes up to people in the street and asks them why they are smoking - its putting bugs in their tummy , one of my friends LO had nightmares for weeks about his grandad dieing after learning about smoking so YANBU

nooka · 01/10/2008 20:44

It does sound a little graphic. But if it means your dh thinks again about his habit and tries to give it up, then that has to be a good thing doesn't it? I do think you would be well within your rights to complain about the content of the class though, it certainly doesn't sound age appropriate. However pictures of diseased organs are going to be added to the sides of cigarette packets in the near future, so these will be images that children are going to be exposed to should they live with a smoker. I find the trouble with all these campaigns is that they upset the children and me, but dh somehow blanks them out entirely.

mazzystar · 01/10/2008 20:45

i am hardcore anti-smoking
but it sounds completely inappropriate
not so much the use of the imagery but the asking about smoking parents is out of order, as is the homework

ruddynorah · 01/10/2008 20:45

why not just get your dh to quit? then your dd will feel a lot better. if he didn't smoke she wouldn't be traumatised.

help him to quit instead of helping dd avoid the facts.

Original poster

frankbestfriend · 01/10/2008 20:45

Haven't thought about the logistics of taking her otu of the lesson yet, nametaken.

We have talked to her lots about how unhealthy smoking is, and dh has made several attempts to quit in the past.

My main worry is that she will be made to discuss her dads smoking with the class when it clearly upsets her. They are responsible for educating my daughter but giving her homework which includes emotional blackmail, and making her put up her hand in a class where very very few parents smoke is going too far[anger]

OP posts:

nooka · 01/10/2008 20:46

I don't think there is much point in leaving the message until secondary school, as by that time some of them will have already started smoking

cornsilk · 01/10/2008 20:46

Anything that puts my kids off smoking is fine by me.

Original poster

frankbestfriend · 01/10/2008 20:47

ruddynorah, if it were as simple as that there would be no smokers at all.

I am not responsible for dh smoking, and dd most certainly isn't.

OP posts:

morningpaper · 01/10/2008 20:50

I would complain that they asked whether parents smoked - they might have said "Do you know anyone who smokes?" which I think if fine though

My Dd has told her Granny that she is going to die horribly from smoking - it isn't really a message you can dilute, is it?

Original poster

frankbestfriend · 01/10/2008 20:52

cornsilk, dd already detests smoking, I hardly think telling her her daddy is going to die will help her.

nooka, I agree secondary is too late, my issue is not with the message that smoking is wrong and unhealthy, but with the way they have personalised it, in front of the whole class, and also with the graphic images used.

Dd doesn't see cigarette packages, btw, dh keeps all smoking stuff in a cupboard in the garage.

OP posts:

noonki · 01/10/2008 20:52

I used to get very upset about my dad smoking as I thought it would shorten his life

I hated smoking

then I started (aged 11)

not sure of my point at all

Original poster

frankbestfriend · 01/10/2008 20:54

Dd says the lady said, "now I'm a bit nosy, so can you put your hand up if you live with someone who smokes"

OP posts:

AbbeyA · 01/10/2008 20:54

I think it went too far as it singled her out and it isn't her fault that her parent smokes, she has no control over it. On the whole I don't think you are being unreasonable but I am all for putting them off at an early age.
I do think your DH should give up.

edam · 01/10/2008 20:55

That's absolutely appalling! Can't believe anyone thinks it's OK to single out a small child, to terrify her, to dump the responsibility for an adult's behaviour onto her - in fact to make her feel responsible for whether he lives or dies.

I would be reading the riot act about the tactics used here. FFS.

The person running this session is clearly even more dense than the anti-smoking idiots my council employed before the ban. They went into the petrol station to insist they display the council's 'no smoking' sign. As if the petrol station employees didn't know already... at least that was harmless stupidity. Your daughter's treatment is malevolent.

SorenLorensen · 01/10/2008 21:00

Far too heavy handed for 7 year olds, imo - but I think schools can be in this relentless campaign to improve our children's collective health. My friend's little boy - at about the same age - came down from his bed sobbing one night because he'd eaten a piece of chocolate cake after his dinner "and I knew I shouldn't but I wanted it but now I am going to have a heart attack and die!" They'd been doing "healthy eating" at school that day - I think they are too little to cope with such complex messages and scare mongering. Of course smoking is bad - and we should be discouraging our children and telling them it's not healthy - but all they will have done is frighten her and make her think her daddy's going to drop dead any second now.

It would be a good thing if he stopped of course - but him stopping is not your dd's responsibility. I'd be cross too - maybe go in tomorrow and tell them how upset she is.

mabanana · 01/10/2008 21:00

agree with Edam. Your poor dd. I would be in there tomorrow am to see the head before school. It's horrible, and could easily incite bullying. Actually it clearly already has, if children were allowed to say 'eurgh!' at her unchallenged.
I'm not a smoker, have never smoked and am very anti-smoking but this is a very little girl being told her dad is going to die! HOw is that ever appropriate?

tissy · 01/10/2008 21:02

I am rabidly anti-smoking, but I think the lesson was badly handled.

Rather than pull her out of the lesson (which may isolate her more), could you talk to the teacher about the effect that the lesson had on your dd?

Presumably, if the class was taken by a visitor to the school, then the teacher may not have had any input into the material.

I have no problem with showing the photos of diseased organs, really, as i doubt if 7 yr olds would make that link between the photo and the actual illness, iyswim, but to single her out, and imply that her dad was going to die horribly is plain nasty. They should not be using children to get the message across like that .

With any luck, the teacher can head the visitor off before the nrxt lesson, and make sure it's more sensitively handled.

What did the kids of non-smokers have to do as homework? Or did they get let off because their parents don't smoke?

Original poster

frankbestfriend · 01/10/2008 21:03

Thank you for your support, edam.

And yes, I know the simple answer is to 'get' dh to give up, but dh is his own person, he is responsible for his own actions, and to be frank he doesn't respond well to emotional blackmail.

OP posts:

mabanana · 01/10/2008 21:06

I really strongly disapprove of schools askikng children to bully their parents. I am sure teachers would not like it if parents encouraged their children to do the same to teachers. It's disrespectful and puts far too big a burden on their small shoulders.

Original poster

frankbestfriend · 01/10/2008 21:06

It is actually dd who is insisting she does not want to hear any more about smoking, and is asking if she can sit in the cloakroom with a book.

This lesson took place just after lunch, and although she didn't cry in the lesson, she was too upset to contribute and had to hold in her tears for the rest of the afternoon.

As soon as she saw me at the school gates, she burst into tears and said "I want my Daddy"

OP posts:

AbbeyA · 01/10/2008 21:12

The problem is that the damage has now been done and she can't 'forget' it. Would your DH not be willing to try giving up? (and forget about the emotional blackmail)

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