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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that six months french exchange is too long for a 9/10 yr old?

120 replies

northernrefugee39 · 29/09/2008 12:10

Old, good friends of ours did this with their daughter. She was 10, and went to France for six months. they were allowed one phone call once a week, no emails I don't think, but letters.
She had her birthday and Christmas with the French family.
It's done through an organistation, a sort of total immmersion learning the language thing.
My friend as three dd's, and this one is the least confident- she did it to help her confidence.
I don't actually think it's harmed her, but I'm not sure she's even more confident.,
The French girl who came back as the exchange counterpart was 9. My friend's family didn't like her .... they came to stay with us in the summer, and my heart went out to her.
They weren't overtly horrid or anything, but she obviously lacked family warmth, hugs and comfort. At night, she was tossing and turning, 'cos I went up to check on them, thought they were walking around, but it was her, obviously having vivid dreams.

OP posts:
Reallytired · 29/09/2008 19:32

I seen this organisation on the internet before.

I quite like the idea of ending my son to a colonie de Vacance for 2 months when he is a bit older, but I would miss him like mad if I sent him away for 6 months.

lucyellensmum1 · 29/09/2008 19:49

What sort of parent sends their child away for SIX months, this is pushy parenting in the extreme. Honestly, its almost child abuse - who cares if they get emmersed in the language and culture. What if they get immersed in a family that is unwelcoming and sacrifice baby animals to the sun god or something equally as weird. Well, if you dont know the parents then how do you know they don't do this.

I've seen it all now.

I remember the french exchange at my school. I was 12 i think, and it was for a week. I bottled out and didnt want to go, so said that we would just have the french person over. She was horrible, i was one of the geeky kids and she was one of the over made up naughty kids so clearly it wasn't going to work. Anyway, something happend, i don't know what and she didn't come to my house. I'm sure she was lovely but i don't think for one minute we would have got on, just imagine if we were thrown together for six months.

frogs · 29/09/2008 19:55

In fairness LEM I think these organisations go to quite a bit more trouble to match families than your average school exchange. Applicants have to fill in a reams and reams of forms with personal info about lifestyle and attitudes, and they encourage families to meet up before the actual exchange starts.

I didn't consider it because I think it's too long for a child that age to be away. But then again I would be horrified if my child was in hysterical tears at the age of 20 at the prospect of going away for a gap year (Alderney's post of 16.36).

Surely it's all about getting a balance between comfort zone and challenge? Six months is way too long for most people, but maybe not for all. Many parents would think that me putting dd1 on a plane to France age 8 to spend two weeks with my cousin who she'd only met a few times was unacceptable, but she had a good time.

Horses for courses, methinks.

Wezzle · 29/09/2008 19:55

YANBU

I wouldn't send my 12 year old to live with relatives for 6 months

let alone complete strangers in a foreign country

It's absolutely ridiculous!

Janni · 29/09/2008 20:02

Totally agree with Kew about the importance of family life, above the acquisition of new skills, at this age.

It's such an extreme solution to our concerns about the need for a child to learn a second language. For a start I think anyone who has English as their mother tongue is blessed, because we will be OK pretty much anywhere, unlike those whose mother tongue is less widespread.

I read French and German at university, not having learnt or even really heard a word of either before the age of 11. I did a six month stint as an au pair in France and Germany after A Levels and was absolutely fluent in each by the end, to the extent that on a good day I could fool people into thinking I was a native speaker. If you have an aptitude for languages, you can pick them up easily - you do not need this sort of pressure at such a young age.

And if you don't have an aptitude, you just speak very loudly and gesticulate wildly and thank your lucky stars that your mum did not send you away for six months when you were 10

Hulababy · 29/09/2008 20:05

At 9/10yo I think 6 days would be more than enough. 6 months with such limited contact with family, is horrendous. I can't believe anyone would feel it was ok.

lucyellensmum1 · 29/09/2008 20:08

frogs i would hope that is the case, and of course i was thinking extremely. However it would be subtle things like personality clashes that wouldnt show on initial meetings etc. I can't imagine anyone i know having children confident enough to do this. Saying that, i rather bet my eldest DD would jump at the chance but she is 18.

stealthsquiggle · 29/09/2008 20:47

"What sort of parent sends their child away for SIX months, this is pushy parenting in the extreme. Honestly, its almost child abuse"

Thanks LEM. Nice to hear. Your opinion of my family is duly noted.

(Mimizan we met some fairly wierd ones too, and DB is not in touch with any other "En famille families" - but they match like with like, so his French family are also sane)

NappiesGalore · 29/09/2008 21:01

yes, i reckon the families would be well matched... and that i woudl never in a million years have been placed with a strict catholic family!
bohemian arty types more like... oh i would have loved to have done this. deffo deffo.
horses for courses imo.

lucyellensmum1 · 29/09/2008 21:19

I dobn't know anything about your family, but sending my child away for six months to people i don't know is not something i would do. Clearly there is a little more to it than that, if it works for you, great, but in all honesty, quite aside from whether i think its the right thing to do or not, i am that children actually WANT to do this. I am assuming yours do - i would be interested to hear your point of view actually. I didnt mean to offend you.

blueshoes · 29/09/2008 21:19

I don't understand the need for limiting contact with the child's family. Surely 6 months is cruel enough, but to deprive the 10 year old child of their usual emotional support - so that the child won't be homesick??? What sort of backward authoritarian thinking is that?

stealthsquiggle · 29/09/2008 21:21

I gave my point of view, based on experience, on multiple posts earlier in the thread. I see no need to restate it.

lucyellensmum1 · 29/09/2008 21:27

I didnt realise you had posted. Horses for courses then. Sorry to offend. I still think its a bit off, but if it works for your family, i think thats great too.

LynetteScavo · 29/09/2008 21:28

I imagine you'd have to be desperate for your DC to learn another language to do this!

It would have killed me at 10.

I cried all the way to Germany when I went at 18 to be an au pair. And cried my self to sleep at night. And this is after I'd been to boarding school!

madlentileater · 29/09/2008 21:30

"Most social workers haven't been involved in something like this before and are often very interested"
(from the ws)
interested???? I expect they would be! Whole thing sounds appalling, for a start I'd like to know what the CP culture was like in France and Germany.

spudballoo · 29/09/2008 21:30

Six months? Really? Is learning another language/culture SO important that a child is worth parting with and being parted from from so long?

I'm so shocked by this. I have much younger children so perhaps shouldn't comment. But I remember as a 13/14/15 year old doing a french exchange for 2 weeks each summer. i loved loved loved it and sobbed when the end of the four weeks came to an end. But I did miss my parents a lot. And that was only 2 weeks.

Plus my french only improved a very little. My exchange's English was sooooo much better than my French, and we got on so well we just wanted to converse however was easiest!

I really can't imagine parting with a 10 year old for six months

Bridie3 · 29/09/2008 21:32

Children who go to certain prep schools in southern England spend six months in this chateau www.cothilltrust.org/sauveterre.asp but it's a bit different because they generally go with their form, so there are familiar faces. And they're boarders, anyway, so it wouldn't be quite the same as going to stay in a hitherto strange family.

taipo · 29/09/2008 21:55

I saw a programme (on German TV) about this. They followed 2 German kids, a boy and a girl who were no older than 10 and doing a 6 month exchange to France.

The boy was quite outgoing and popular and soon fitted in well with his host family. He quickly made friends at school and generally seemed to benefit from the experience.

The girl was much quieter and found it harder to settle. The worst bit though was when she was saying a tearful goodbye to her parents and her younger sister was completely distraught at the thought of her big sister going away. It was heartbreaking and had I been the parents I would have put a stop to the scheme there and then.

Both children came back speaking fluent French at the end.

WendyWeber · 29/09/2008 22:01

We know a family who did this with their son - he broke his leg while he was in France

Apart from that though he had a brilliant time, & his French exchangee also had a fab time when he came over here, even though the English family was living in a caravan while their self-build house was completed while he was here.

Depends entirely on the individual child IMO. The English host family's younger daughter emphatically did not want to do it when she was old enough, so she didn't.

daffodill6 · 29/09/2008 22:32

I've not seen all the posts .... but remember presumably the point is to learn a language? Total immersion ( ie being there speaking it is the way to go imo.. Age?.. Earlier is better rather than later imo.

Thing is.... DD is 10... I ... You have to learn to hand over their lives to them, I'm not finding it easy but trips away are part and parcel of it all. 9-10 is young for 6 months away but kids of 7 go to boarding school.

colacubes · 29/09/2008 22:47

Whoa, 6 mnths at that age is ridiculous. And the poor lo who came over here to stay with your friends, they should be ashamed to treat a child like that, parents have put their trust in them, terrible.

No I wouldnt do it, I can understand the idea, and see that living and breathing a culture is an experience but not alone at that age. YANBU.

PrincessPeaHead · 29/09/2008 23:35

bridie, sauveterre is for a term, ie about 8 or 9 weeks, not 6 months. and you have half term and your parents are positively encouraged to come out and see you for at least another couple of weekends.

and as you say, you are boarding with all your schoolmates together. it isn't like being put in a family and having to put up with whatever you get food and treatment-wise. You have the same experience as you do in your english boarding school, just relocated to france. V different, I think.

nappyaddict · 30/09/2008 00:58

i quite like the idea. Wendy - how old was the boy that you know?

ghosty · 30/09/2008 01:05

I went on an exchange to Italy (Milan) when I was 13 for 2 weeks and that was long enough. I had a great time and the family treated me like Royalty - the Dad took a week off work and took us on holiday to Rome (in a luxury hotel) so that I could see the sights and from then on I developed a deep love for Italy .
However, I was still homesick and when I got an ear infection when there I missed my mum dreadfully. 9/10 is ridulously young for such an experience IMO.

thumbwitch · 30/09/2008 01:08

without reading any of this thread, no, YANBU.
I went on a 2 week school exchange when I was 13 and that was quite long enough thanks. And went on a school holiday to IOW when I was 10 for 1 week and THAT was bad enough. 6m is waaay too long at that age IMO (unless they are at boarding school and used to the separation, but it's still too long - one term would be long enough)

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