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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that six months french exchange is too long for a 9/10 yr old?

120 replies

northernrefugee39 · 29/09/2008 12:10

Old, good friends of ours did this with their daughter. She was 10, and went to France for six months. they were allowed one phone call once a week, no emails I don't think, but letters.
She had her birthday and Christmas with the French family.
It's done through an organistation, a sort of total immmersion learning the language thing.
My friend as three dd's, and this one is the least confident- she did it to help her confidence.
I don't actually think it's harmed her, but I'm not sure she's even more confident.,
The French girl who came back as the exchange counterpart was 9. My friend's family didn't like her .... they came to stay with us in the summer, and my heart went out to her.
They weren't overtly horrid or anything, but she obviously lacked family warmth, hugs and comfort. At night, she was tossing and turning, 'cos I went up to check on them, thought they were walking around, but it was her, obviously having vivid dreams.

OP posts:
Original poster
northernrefugee39 · 29/09/2008 13:11

rookie- my heart went out to the 9 yr old French girl who came back. I tend to agree with you about their emotonal needs.
my friend seemed to think that because btheir family life is very laissez faire and the kids are quite... wel.. not spoilt, but certainly ..have a say, that the french girl was loving it because her home life was so strict/formal/ctholic.
I just saw this as being intensly naive and blinkered.
But I did notice she had a kind of defence mechanism, a grab the food before anyone else gets it, observe but don't join in, which could all account for the fact that my friend's family "didn't like her2, but what i actually translated as survival instinct.

OP posts:
stealthsquiggle · 29/09/2008 13:14

For anyone interested, this is the organisation my parents used (different to the one the OP talks about, I think)

Lilolill - you don't need to speak French at that age, clearly - but if you don't learn before you are 10 you will never (IMO and that of others) speak it with quite the degree of fluency you get from learning at a young age. My elder DB and I learned French from French speakers at school from the age of 6 - my DM was trying to replicate that for younger DB when it wasn't an option at school.

Would I consider it? I certainly wouldn't rule it out if no good language tuition from native speakers is available here, but it does clearly depend very much on the child - snap judgement right now would be not for my DS but quite possibly for DD.

lilolilmanchester · 29/09/2008 13:18

thanks for an honest answer. I agree that children will pick up a language (or most things) more easily if introduced at a younger age, but I used to get mistaken for a native German speaker after my year abroad, so not sure it's absolutely essential.

HonoriaGlossop · 29/09/2008 13:19

What a horrible idea

Would rather my ds had ordinary schoolboy french, and not the trauma of leaving home for half a year at this tender age. 6 months of home, parents, love, family, security will always outweigh fluency in another language for me. Plus this is such an extreme way of getting fluency. Parents could help, support, teach, learn with, take children on holidays abroad, send to extra classes PLUS give them the security of home which all but the most emotionally 'distant' will NEED

Children have a need for home, they don't have a need for fluent french

stealthsquiggle · 29/09/2008 13:27

This is not at all the same as sending a young DC to boarding school, IMO - you are entrusting your child to another family and you are going to get theirs back as it were - DB and his french 'brother' were treated as exactly that - siblings - for the entire 12 months they were together. They have family and home and each other.

OK I am going to back away now as it is clear that the vast majority of people think this is cruel and unusual treatment.

ivykaty44 · 29/09/2008 13:31

notdoingthehousework - I would have loved it at 10, the chance to go and live in france and learn to speak french, have other children to play with.

I am also sure my parents would have let me go if I had known and asked about it.

My eldest dd would have also probably had a ball doing the same thing, whereas my youngest dd would probably sink rapidly.

Every parent and child is different, so please think just because you dont want to be seperated from your dc (doesn'y mean your dc cant wait to get away from you ) there are parents out there that do things different and it works for them and there children. It may be that your own children grow up and turn round to there mates in years to come and say "wish my parents had let me do this and that" Soemtimes a parent will not judge correctly an experiance for their child - we cant all get it right all the time.

lilolilmanchester · 29/09/2008 13:43

Stealth, I haven't changed my mind re doing it myself, but good on you for being honest and showing us that there is another side to the story.

geekgirl · 29/09/2008 13:46

I am completely bilingual in German and English. I don't have an accent (other than a Yorkshire one ) and dream & think in both languages. When I mention that I grew up in Germany people usually assume that my parents were British military or that my mum was English.

I only started learning English in secondary school, and did a 3 month exchange visit to Australia when I was 16 - I came back totally fluent with an Aussie accent. A year later I came to the UK, did A levels and uni here and ended up staying.

There is no need to send a small child away for that length of time.

jalopy · 29/09/2008 13:48

Bloody hell, is learning a language that important.

jalopy · 29/09/2008 13:48

That wasn't directed at you, geek.

rookiemater · 29/09/2008 13:52

Its a good question jalopy and (as DS still hasn't woken up and darned if I'm going to prod him) I am increasingly thinking its not as if French is particularly useful these days Chinese or Spanish might be more useful.

3 months at 16 sounds like a more realistic proposition, tbh even 3 months at 10 seems not so harsh. Its just the 6 month thing I really can't get my head round, it is such a length of time in a small childs development and such a lottery to whether the child will end up in a supportive loving household or something rather different.

Original poster
northernrefugee39 · 29/09/2008 14:32

Hi I'm back.
I knew when I posted this would have two definite camps, and i know what the pro camp means; some kids wopuld probably be ok with it- fwiw- my friend's dd seems unscathed... so far... but I do think three months is kider, and at an older age.
For me it was their age that really did it; the reason was tha it was befor esecondary etc... but surely that becaomes irrelevant when achild's emotional capabilities are at stake?

OP posts:
Original poster
northernrefugee39 · 29/09/2008 14:33

jaopy- I think my friend did it for all sorts of reasons- not just because of a fanatical desire to have her dd fluent in french; for confidence, wider experience etc etc...

OP posts:
Original poster
northernrefugee39 · 29/09/2008 14:38

stealth, I think actually, that a lot of the posts about it being cruel and unusual treatment as you put it, say as much about is as mums as about the kids iyswIm.
I started this because i really thought maybe I'm over protective, and if i sold it to my dc's as a great idea, they might want to; but because i recoil in horror at the thought, they pick up on it.
I think if you give your kids the confidence to think it's an ok thing to do- not for 6 months , at 10 tho, but maybe 3 months at 12/13, it's great.

OP posts:
branflake81 · 29/09/2008 14:50

My parents sent me to a colonie de vacances (like a kids' holiday camp) when I was 11 and my sister was 9. We went together but did not spend all our time together. It was for 2 months and we stayed with a family. I hated it at first but then really enjoyed it.

I went on to do French at A Level, then at University and then lived in Paris for a few years.

I think sometimes you have to push your kids into doing things they don't want to. It taught me that I CAN do scary things and that has proved a good lesson to me throughout my life.

Agree that 6 months is a very long time though.

givemeabreak · 29/09/2008 15:05

I can't believe that an 8, 9 or 10 year old would be sent away for 6 months at a time with very limited contact with their faamily. It seems a bit like prison for a very naughty child. I can't imagine sending any of my kids away for that long. Ok they might speak a different language but what other type of suffering have they gone through to get that.

ivykaty44 · 29/09/2008 15:28

I think sometimes you have to push your kids into doing things they don't want to. It taught me that I CAN do scary things and that has proved a good lesson to me throughout my life.

So for you branflake, was it just about learning french or an alround life experiance?

Is it more about pushing your kids to do things they want to do but you as a paretn dont want to let them do?

Alderney · 29/09/2008 16:36

My best mate at Uni was in hysterical tears when she left to do her year out in spain - she was 20 and came home for all her holidays and we wrote almost every day.

I'd certainly like to know the organisation who organised this.

If the French child was so lacking in affection, I wonder who set this "one phone call a week" limit on it - was it the program/organisation or the hosting family?

namechangefersure · 29/09/2008 16:38

I have only read the OP and I am utterly aghast. It would be horrible.

HonoriaGlossop · 29/09/2008 17:51

asking if it's more about the parents not wanting them to do it is just the same as saying "all parents who do this hate their kids and want them out of the house"

I'm sure many parents who are recoiling are doing that based on their CHILD'S needs, not their own. And I still believe that fluent french is not a developmental need!

NappiesGalore · 29/09/2008 18:08

ooh id have loved to do something like this. absolutely loved it.
and i WISH i could speak another language so effortlessly. i love languages.

dunno if i could send one of mine... but i spose if he seemed up for it i would.

what id really love is to up sticks and move the lot of us somewhere for a year and we could all learn the language that way, while theyre all really young... still, i can dream...

MorocconOil · 29/09/2008 18:17

My two half brothers both did En Famille 14 years ago. I was 25 at the time and absolutely aghast at my father and step-mother's decision that it would be good for them. We were told not to contact them by telephone, and I broke the rule because I thought it was neglectful to effectively ignore a child for 6 months.

They fell out with the first family after the exchange finished, but have lots of contact with the second family 14 years on.

They were friendly with other En Famille families. I met one of them once and found them all very strange.(no offence Stealth)

I have little contact with my half-brothers these days but they don't seem too scarred by the experience, although the younger one has always seemed to be very angry towards his Mum and I have wondered whether he feels he was sent away.

I would never ever do it to my own DC, even though I agree it would be an advantage to be bi-lingual.

Wallace · 29/09/2008 18:48

Mentioned to my ds (9) to see his reaction and he was horrified!

"I would be in tears" is what he said. Dd's lip was actually wobbling just thinking about what it would be like having her big brother away for so long

Blandmum · 29/09/2008 18:50

Oh, that is a very long time.

I couldn't stand the family I went on exchange with, and that was only for a week when I was 13 or so.

I don't think the dd liked us much better when she came to us!

Blu · 29/09/2008 18:56

There are a couple of children in DS's school who are living with their aunts because parents are in danger in Columbia (I think). But I see the aunties being very very loving and affectionate, always at the school, checking with other parents that they have all the right arrangements for everything. And they have similiar aged cousins. I think that is bad eough, but to be billeted out with a family you don't know fo 6 months seems more than extreme.

I am surprised anyone does this, tbh. SURELY there are other ways tolearn languages? Hope so - or monolingual DS will be!

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