to think that six months french exchange is too long for a 9/10 yr old?

[northernrefugee39]

Old, good friends of ours did this with their daughter. She was 10, and went to France for six months. they were allowed one phone call once a week, no emails I don't think, but letters.
She had her birthday and Christmas with the French family.
It's done through an organistation, a sort of total immmersion learning the language thing.
My friend as three dd's, and this one is the least confident- she did it to help her confidence.
I don't actually think it's harmed her, but I'm not sure she's even more confident.,
The French girl who came back as the exchange counterpart was 9. My friend's family didn't like her .... they came to stay with us in the summer, and my heart went out to her.
They weren't overtly horrid or anything, but she obviously lacked family warmth, hugs and comfort. At night, she was tossing and turning, 'cos I went up to check on them, thought they were walking around, but it was her, obviously having vivid dreams.

Frogs - yes- that's it.
My friends did visit before hand, and said the family were very strict typical French Catholics.
They had to eat everything on their plate, or it as given to them cold ( friends dd had to eat frogs legs- I said, but you're vegetarian- that was abandoned for the 6 months!)
Their daughter was "a bit tearful" on some phone calls and when they left her.

It would be too long for me to be away from my child.

so I take it that no mumsnetter is considering this type of thing for their dc's?

How does she go about keeping up her French? Or is it all just forgotten by now

Sorry northern I'm sure she is a good mother. Just wanted to say it as it gets trotted out for all sorts of lesser sins.

Cannot believe that about the frogs legs. Poor poor child.

I wouldn't have left them with my daughter for 2 minutes. I hate the idea of a child being forced to eat everything on their plate, and her beliefs and choices, such as vegetarianism not being respected.

I did it for a couple of weeks when i was about 14. That was plenty.

this is madness. Learning a second language isn't even at the foothills of importance to having a happy family life at that age.

rookie- I just couldn't believe this friend would do it; it has to an extent, changed the boundaries of our friendship. In the same way as, I suppose, it would if i discovered she had started voting conservative or something!

Falcon, ditto the food thing... bound to build up later problems i think...

6 months!!

noway would i send out my dc's for six months at their age!!

I will hoever be sending ds1 when he is 15 before his GCSE's over to family in spain for the summer holidays!.. but it will be to family... who I trust and he knows!!! ( oh and he'll be 15!!)

compo- she goes to French conversation once a week to keep it up.
But interestingly, the french girl who came back to them, ( she was 9!) her english really wasn't that good, and she was at the end of her stint, with 3 weeks to go because they were with us in August.
She understood I would say, but didn't speak well, or with a great accent. Poor little mite. She always sat very close to me, and mt dd's.

That is very sad
poor girl

I miss mine if I don't see them for a day

I haven't read the whole thread, but my DB did exactly this - 6 months either way, through En Famille - it worked brilliantly, he is still (20 years later) in regular touch with his french 'brother' and appears to bear no deep psychological scars.

Far too long at that age IMO. You're definitely not being over-protective. Could just about consider it in 6th form, but then not easily. Unless there are some reasons why it is best for a child to be away from home for that long (e.g. if there is a serious illness/relationship problems being dealt with), I think it could have some seriously negative effects on the child and the family unit. But just my opinion.

x-posted with stealth. Good to hear the other side of the story. I am still in touch with, and very close to, my German "sister" 30 years on - but only spent 2 weeks with her.

Well from stealthsquiggles post there could be some children out there who might enjoy it. However they would have to be very confident both in themselves and in the love of their family. I still think its much much more likely to end out badly rather than well.

Perhaps it didn't seem as odd 20 years ago when there was more of a culture of sending children to boarding school and less understanding of a childs emotional development.

No way! Far far too long.

OK just read some of it and my DM would be devastated by some of the 'what sort of parent would do this?' comments.

To give an idea of the level to which this works from a language perspective, by the end of his 6 months we had to talk to DB in French on the 'phone as he found it hard to speak English. To this day he can drop straight in to working in a French-speaking environment and no-one would believe that he is actually English.

it's just far too long at that age.

Really that it's apparently considered acceptable enough to make it worthwhile having an organisation.

And it's unnecessary - there are lots of other ways of learning a language well, you don't have to send a primary school aged child away for 6 months.

stealth- thanks for putting the other side.
This is what the organisation says about visits
"Other people may ask if you are going to visit your child whilst they are in France or Germany. ALLEF strongly discourages any visits which are likely to disrupt your child?s new routine and cause more homesickness. If you are going to do an exchange you should accept that your child may miss a major event like a wedding. It is not fair on your child to have the pain of separation twice within an exchange."

The pain of separation... I just couldn't do it, what ever the advantages.

Yes well we sort of ignored the 'no visiting' bit - we went en masse for Christmas (half way through DB's time in France) - he knew they had guests for Christmas dinner, but didn't know who - and his first reaction was "Great, but I don't have to go home with you, do I?"

Interestingly, it is my other DB, who went away to boarding school at 13 (his choice), who has 'ishooos' - the one who went to France has a v. close relationship with parents and with both siblings.

Stealth, thats the point I was trying to make though. I think 20 - 30 years ago parenting was done differently, and as I said for a small percentage of happy confident children, with loving families on each side, there then an exchange could work very well.

However I do still think that 6 months is a heck of a long time and whilst its hideously judgemental of me, I think the type of parent likely to go for it now would not be one who was well equipped to deal with the emotional aspect of caring for a completely unknown 10 year old who doesn't speak your language very well.

The organisation has a links page- among the travel and language sites is a boarding school one....

I can see how the visit would really help his French Stealth, but why do they need to speak fluent French at that age?
Am not questioning your parents' parenting, just can't imagine being away from my DCs so long at that age. Glad it worked out OK for your DB and family. Don't answer next (genuine!) question if you don't want to... given your DB/family's experience, would you let your DCs participate in similar? Purely out of interest, not having a go. Sometimes I think I am hyper-protective so interested in hearing other perspectives.