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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to tell my sister that she is being a crappy Aunt.

49 replies

lavenderbongo · 28/09/2008 21:29

I am actually very angry with my sis and want to have it out with her but I have managed to control myself so far.

A year ago we moved to Belgium and my sis still lives in the SE of the UK. In that time she has not been out to see us once. She claims that its too expensive to come out here to visit. However she has managed to go to the swiss Alps and on numerous weekends cycling in Wales and various other parts of the UK. She has also been out to see my parents in France twice.

My youngest dd was born 18 months ago while we where still living in the UK. My sister has met her twice. She popped in when she was passing with her then boyfriend and stayed for a couple of hours as she was on her way to a weekend away. The other time we visited her.

She claims it is easier for me to visit her with two young dds than for her to travel to see us. In her defence she does not have children yet and has no idea what its like travelling with young kids - even though I have tried to explain.

The result is I am really pissed off that she doesnt seem to be bothered about seeing her nieces - she would rather go on holiday with her boyfriend.

AIBU to be really pissed off and want to tell her exactly what I think?

I have refrained from having an argument as I imagine it would probably just make the situation worse - perhapes she just doesnt want to come and visit. My oldest DD thinks she is great and as we dont see many relatives on my DH side this is the only Aunt she actually has any contact with.

OP posts:
cuddlesrus · 28/09/2008 21:30

she sounds crap, bit like my sister

spicemonster · 28/09/2008 21:32

Hmm - how old is she? Are you close?

I think it's more about the relationships between the siblings when there's distance involved, not about building relationships with your nieces/nephews.

notnowbernard · 28/09/2008 21:33

HOw old is she?

geordieminx · 28/09/2008 21:34

Honestly? Sounds like she would prefer to do her own thing rather than travel all the way to Belgium - time and expense to spend time with your family. There is no law that says she has to want to see you - before I had kids I wouldnt have wanted to spend my time with families.

I think you ABU, and that you need to forget about it. Its really not the end of the world-if she doesnt want to see you, you cant force her.

Twiglett · 28/09/2008 21:34

I don't get why you're cross to be honest ... I am sure she has limited money and limited holiday time and is free and single and hence has the ability to do what she wants to rather than a family obligation

and really that's what you're making it .. you're making your children her family obligation .. she'll really resent that if she's having a young and selfish life

she'll probably realise when she has kids .. or maybe not .. but to some people family are always there but don't form part of their social life

Original poster
lavenderbongo · 28/09/2008 21:35

Thanks cuddlesrus - why cant sisters be like they are in books and movies - all nice and supportive, caring and understanding

OP posts:
susia · 28/09/2008 21:35

people without kids have no concept of how difficult travelling (or anything else) is with them and to be completely blunt are probably not that interested in being with them. I'm sorry because she is your sister but she probably finds you boring at the moment.

I know that sounds awful but I am sure you will get closer when/if she has kids or when she is older. At the moment she is probably more interested in people who want to go out and boyfriends etc and spending her holidays with people like that.

Twiglett · 28/09/2008 21:35

to be honest if I had the opportunity to go away for steamy sex and skiing with a boyfriend to the french alps or go visit a sister and her baby and toddler I know which I'd jump at

notnowbernard · 28/09/2008 21:36

Because families are who they are, not what you want (or need) them to be

cmotdibbler · 28/09/2008 21:36

Its not compulsory for her to want to know her nieces, nor to use her holiday time and money to visit you in the location that you chose to move to.

Original poster
lavenderbongo · 28/09/2008 21:38

She is 6 years younger than me and still in her twenties - which probably explains a lot.

I dont like to think of family as an obligation - I hope its something you want to be involved in. But twiglett you are probably right she might realise it when she has kids but by then it will be too late for her to have a good relationship with mine while they are little.

OP posts:
Twiglett · 28/09/2008 21:39

I have a sister who lays expectations and guilt trips on me .. and she really pisses me orf

over the last 10 years or so our relationship has really floundered

be careful

I'm lucky I have other siblings to choose from and to be honest she is odd, which I'm sure you're not

coppertop · 28/09/2008 21:41
susia · 28/09/2008 21:41

I remember seeing people with kids and thinking how boring they were, how the kids got in the way of conversations, smoking, drinking, going out etc.

I don't remember being interested in anyone else's kids until I had my own.

I'm sorry, it's really blunt and I don't want to upset you. She will come round. When she's broody she'll be all over you...

bloomingfedup · 28/09/2008 21:41

Don't expect anything then you won't be disappointed.

falcon · 28/09/2008 21:41

YABU. While it's nice to see family now and again she has her own life to lead, and she has her bf.

It makes sense that she wants to go on holiday with him and not everyone wants to spend much time around small children.

hatwoman · 28/09/2008 21:42

i live in london. both dbs live up north. in the 8 years since dd was born dbs have visited about 4 times. it has never once occured to me to get annoyed about this. i chose to live a long way away, like you chose tolive in belgium, i also chose to have kids. if i want dds to see their uncles i go and visit. sorry i think yabu. it would be nice if she came but i really don't think she's obliged to.

Original poster
lavenderbongo · 28/09/2008 21:43

twiglett is your sister and older sister like me?
god i hope I dont put unreasonable expectations on her - its very difficult being the eldest - you do things first and it can get a bit lonely.

I have a younger brother as well and somehow I get on better with him and there are 9 years between us.

OP posts:
notnowbernard · 28/09/2008 21:43

I am more than happy to be told to Piss Off if I am way off the mark here

But are you a bit of your sister and her lifestyle?

hatwoman · 28/09/2008 21:44

you would be reasonable to feel sad but not reasonable to feel cross

Original poster
lavenderbongo · 28/09/2008 21:46

no I am not jealous - she got her problems as well - just sad that we are not as close as I would like to be

OP posts:
ComeOVeneer · 28/09/2008 21:47

Sorry, but YABU, You choose tobe aparent she didn't choose to be an aunt, and therefore you have noright to expect anything from her. Sure it would be nice for her to want to be invovled with her neices, but you cant expect if of her. 6 years ago, and prechildren I would much prefer a steamy weekend away with my bf rather than spend a weekend with small children that I had no experience of.

Twiglett · 28/09/2008 21:47

odd sister is 7 years older than me and her children are 21,18 and 16 whereas mine are 7 and 4 and the expectations of me doing the travelling have always been there because .. no children is easier than children, babies are easier than older children, toddlers are easier than teens .. get the picture?

I have 2 other older siblings who are 9 and 5 years older .. good relationships there with no expectations ..

MegBusset · 28/09/2008 21:51

I can understand your disappointment (I have a big brother who has only met my DS once, and he only lives about 15 miles away!) but I think YABU to tell her she is being a crappy aunt... at the end of the day they are your children not hers and not everyone is that interested in young children. You can't force her to be closer than you are, so I would try not to worry about it.

babyelephant · 28/09/2008 22:01

I have an older sister too who lives 4.5 hours drive away, she gets all sulky about this too and says I don't go down to see her enough. I find it really annoying. We have a close relationship otherwise and are both incredibly busy, it irks me that she is cross with me about it rather than upset IYSWIM??

Why is she cross not sad? She doesn't say "I'd love to see you more often, I miss you" she says "God you NEVER come down to see me/you don't come down often enough. I always.. blah blah". Therefore its easier to shrug off as her being bossy big sis, as usual, demanding her way.

When she's all busy and occupied I don't hear from her properly for weeks/months then she lays the visit guilt trip on me. I just don't feel the need to actually see her a lot. Also I find going to see her a bit boring TBH. Sorry but it's true.

YABU but I understand why. Perhaps be all cheerful and ask if you can book in a weekend for in, say, 3-4 months time? (At least you get a visit then).