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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to tell my sister that she is being a crappy Aunt.

49 replies

lavenderbongo · 28/09/2008 21:29

I am actually very angry with my sis and want to have it out with her but I have managed to control myself so far.

A year ago we moved to Belgium and my sis still lives in the SE of the UK. In that time she has not been out to see us once. She claims that its too expensive to come out here to visit. However she has managed to go to the swiss Alps and on numerous weekends cycling in Wales and various other parts of the UK. She has also been out to see my parents in France twice.

My youngest dd was born 18 months ago while we where still living in the UK. My sister has met her twice. She popped in when she was passing with her then boyfriend and stayed for a couple of hours as she was on her way to a weekend away. The other time we visited her.

She claims it is easier for me to visit her with two young dds than for her to travel to see us. In her defence she does not have children yet and has no idea what its like travelling with young kids - even though I have tried to explain.

The result is I am really pissed off that she doesnt seem to be bothered about seeing her nieces - she would rather go on holiday with her boyfriend.

AIBU to be really pissed off and want to tell her exactly what I think?

I have refrained from having an argument as I imagine it would probably just make the situation worse - perhapes she just doesnt want to come and visit. My oldest DD thinks she is great and as we dont see many relatives on my DH side this is the only Aunt she actually has any contact with.

OP posts:

babyelephant · 28/09/2008 22:05

Oh and if I am on the phone to my sis and mention ANY weekends away ie "Oh we went to Bristol the other week as it was DH's grandad's 80th", there will be a frosty silence on the end of the phone and my heart sinks as I remember she is permanently CROSS with me for not seeing her enough (even tho she doesn't make herself all that available). It makes me have to watch what I say and that annoys me.

Buda · 28/09/2008 22:06

Haven't read all of this thread but identify a bit. I live in Budapest and my family live in Ireland. My choice (well DH;s job) to live in Budapest. I would not expect them to visit me. I would love them to. I love it when they do. We do and have paid for various family members to come and visit. But they don;t have to. WE decided to live overseas. Why should they give up holidays and spend money they can't easily afford to come and see us?

So unfortunately I feel you are being a bit unreasonable.

plantsitter · 28/09/2008 22:09

If you're really sad about the relationship not being closer, it's up to you to do something about it. She probably feels a bit like you're demanding she go and pay court to you and your kids rather than you'd actually like to spend some time with her.

HRHSaintMamazon · 28/09/2008 22:13

OFGS!
why do so many people assume that once they have a child their entire family must drop everything to shower their PFB with affection?

has it ever occured to you that maybe she doesn't want to come all the way to belgium just to get puked on and listen to you whinge on about sleepless nights and teething?

how about wake up and realise that unfortunatly its only your life that revolves around your DC...not the rest of the world.

PrincessPeaHead · 28/09/2008 22:13

you should have moved to the south of france, she'd be there in a shot

hmmm. when I was in my 20s, would I have preferred to go on sexy weekends with my hot boyfriend, or go and see my slightly cross and demanding sister and her (frankly dull after the first 30 mins) children in BELGIUM?
Now let me think...

Go and visit her, and bring her chocolate and waffles

unaccomplishedfattylegalmummy · 28/09/2008 22:17

I think YABU but I can understand were you are coming from. My sister (younger by 4 years) moved down to London a few months ago. (We're in the north). And at first I was really (irrationally) angry at her because she was going to miss out on so much with her nieces (5 and 2) and she is such a good aunt. However I realised it was because I was going to miss her and she is entitled to do whatever she wants with her life. She is so much more happier down there than she was up here. And as it happens she's already been home about 4 times for short stays so I haven't really had a chance to miss her yet. Although now I won't be seeing her til christmas due to uni commitments.

On the other hand DH's brother and his wife live a 20 minute drive from us they have kids the exact same age as ours yet we never see them as DH and his brother don't get on. I'd much rather have the sporadic but quality time my sister has with y kids than the toxic relationship my DH has with his brother being broadcast in front of our kids.

Your sister will probably come round in a few years and want to spend more time with your kids.

Sorry I went off a bit there didn't I.

Cies · 28/09/2008 22:21

Lavenderbongo, I empathise I really do.

I live in Spain (but not in the hot sunny bit that everyone wants for their hols). I have lived here for 6 years. And my best friend has visited twice, my parents twice and my 3 siblings have been once each.

I could get all bitter about it, (and if I´m honest I do from time to time, but only to myself), but then I tell myself that I chose to live here, and everyone has much better things to do with their limited holiday time than come and see me.

As I´m being honest, it does grate a little seeing my bf swan off to ever more exotic places with her new boyf, always saying, "oh we must check diaries for a good time for me to come and stay with you", but I let it wash over me for the sake of my mental health

So, YAB a little U, and you would be VU if you let your sis know you were pissed off.

babyelephant · 28/09/2008 22:24

It seems the majority of Cross-ettes are the bossy big sisters and

The majority of "offenders" are the naughty little sisters.

Gawd you big sisters never stop laying the law down do you My big sis still sees me as if I'm still 13 or something. She tells me off in shops and restaurants in fact she is constantly in teaching/correctional mode

Twiglett · 28/09/2008 22:28

I'm forty-farkin'-one too

ScottishMummy · 28/09/2008 22:29

you wont get closer to your sister by tearing a strip off her will you.imo dont stew and dont fight about it

prior to having baby i had limited interest in ankle biters and yes time on holiday with boyfriend would have been top of my list

stop keeping a mental scorecard of who visits whom!what is point of that?

she must do something right that dd thinks she is great

i don't see the point in a cards on the table tell you how it is conversation about this.you might push her away.is that what you want?

she does show interest just not enough to your liking

bythepowerofgreyskull · 28/09/2008 22:32

I sympathise with the OP my brother sees my children 1-2 times a year - never any effort on his part. Apparently we are all welcome to go and stay at any time but they have a 2 bed flat and there are 4 of us and we did it once and they decided that children were a handdful but they just aren't used to sleeping in the same room as each other let alone us so we were all more unsettled.
They don't come to use because they are busy.
It was DS2's birthday last week and we haven't had any contact from DB.
I am trying to do the whole - it doesn't matter - thing but to me - it does matter.
I will not say anything and will continue to try to convince myself that I don't mind.

NotCod · 28/09/2008 22:32

why the thell do you moev away if you want to see them so much

expatinscotland · 28/09/2008 22:34

I'm with PPH and Twiglett. They write sense as usual.

'She is 6 years younger than me and still in her twenties - which probably explains a lot.'

Yeah, it does.

Because when I was in my 20s I preferred sexy and fun weekends away to visiting the sis and two little kids. I went, of course, but I also stayed at my parents' house so I could drink wine, play cards, smoke, eat in good restaurants and go shopping on someone else's credit card whislt fulfilling the family obligations .

Original poster

lavenderbongo · 29/09/2008 09:12

NotCod- didnt have a choice as it was DH job that moved us here - if we had stayed in the UK we would have had to sell our house.

Thanks for everyones comments - looks like IABU so wont say anything to sis. I think the whole sibling relationship thing can be very difficult and complicated. We all have different expectations and forget that we all have our own lives to lead.

I think posting on mumsnet is a bit like I imagine therapy would be .

OP posts:

NorkyButNice · 29/09/2008 09:15

You chose to move to Belgium - you can hardly be annoyed if people choose not to use up their holiday and money to come and visit you!

It's a shame that she won't have a close relationship with your DD, but that's her choice.

herbaceous · 29/09/2008 14:47

This is most interesting. I am a childless (not by choice) older sister of sis, who has three kids. When she still had two, and one of them had just turned three, I got a drunken ranting email, saying I was a shit aunt (and my parents were shit grandparents too) for not PHONING 3-yr-old on his birthday, that it meant we didn't care, that it was just typical of our selfish behaviour, etc etc.

I was fuming. My parents were deeply hurt. Yet it was sis who chose to have kids, moved to the far side of London, away from parents, and even arranged her huge house so there was nowhere for people to stay.

At the time, I thought 'well it was your choice to have kids - you can't expect us to suddenly drop everything and worship at the altar of your kids', and am quite glad to read this.

At the time of the original rant, I had had three miscarriages. I've now had five, so she tends to keep quieter these days. Though I did hear, via my mum, that she didn't feel I 'was excited enough about nephew's 4th birthday party' in November. I was told this in August. Big whoop - standing in a draughty church hall, with no food or drink, and no-one talking to me as I haven't got kids so am obviously one of the 'staff'. Can't wait.

Kewclotter · 29/09/2008 14:53

would you rather go on holiday with your DH or go and visit small children that you don't know very well?

Invite her and her boyfriend to come and spend the weekend cycling in Belgium and make it something she will want to do. Thast how you build any relationship not from duty.

dilemma456 · 29/09/2008 15:43

Message withdrawn

georgiemum · 29/09/2008 15:52

I have a similar sibling.

I travel 600 miles to visit family and they don't ever bother to drive 20 mins to come and see nephew. No christmas cards/presents for the last 2 years and no birthday card this year either (for nephew, not me!).

What can you do?

Saturn74 · 29/09/2008 15:58

Maybe she thinks you should go and visit her, as it was your decision to move abroad, not hers.

jawjawnotwarwar · 29/09/2008 17:12

You can't move to Belgium and then get grumpy because your sister doesn't have a good relationship with your children. You should have stayed in the UK if you wanted them to get to know each other?!

expatinscotland · 29/09/2008 17:18

TBH I really don't like little kids - I mean, I love our own and play with them and such.

But if I didn't have little kids myself I'd avoid them at all costs.

I have a much better relationship with my nieces now they're older.

I went 'home' where my sister happens to live as well as often as I could before I moved here and had kids myself, BUT I also had the excuse that in the US you really get next to no holiday and I just made sure the gifts and cards were always good .

You can hardly hold it against her that she's not into little kids or wants a 'relationship' with them they won't even really remember.

OrmIrian · 29/09/2008 17:20

Most people aren't interested in children until they have their own. I didn't see my nephew, or DH's nephews and neices more than 3 times a year and they only lived 20 miles away. You can't force her to want to see them.

YABU. But I appreciate it's disappointing.

Wizzska · 29/09/2008 17:35

I feel similarly about my brother. My niece is 6 now and for years I was the childless aunt. I visited regularly. He only lives an hour and a half away by car but is so used to having the child trump card making everyone come to see him. Now I have the child trump card, I have a younger child and no car, and he's seen his nephew twice, DS is now 10 months old. One time he came up 6 weeks after the birth, the second time when DS was 3 months old I visited him. It makes me mad! I totally sympathise.

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