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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think this mum's being a bit over sensitive?

133 replies

gabygirl · 23/09/2008 13:45

..... One of the mums from dd's class sidled up to me in the playground this morning with the heartsink comment 'can I have a quick word with you about something your dd has said to my dd?'

Seems my dd (9) had said to her dd that she liked her shoes, and asked her dd where she'd got them from. When she said 'Barrett's' apparently my dd said 'you shouldn't buy your shoes from there because they don't last long - they'll have fallen apart in a few weeks'.

The mum told me her dd had got really upset and hadn't known what to say. I apologised for my dd hurting her dd's feelings about her shoes but even while I was saying it I was mentally rolling my eyes into the back of my head. I mean - is this something other people here would take up with a parent?

The thing is it was horribly embarrassing because dd was repeating something I'd said. Ideally dd would like a new pair of school shoes every 3 weeks. I've said to her on many occasions that I'm not wasting money or jeopardising her feet by buying her cheap school shoes that'll fall apart and look horrible within a few days of getting home. I'm not snobby but I hate seeing a child in ill-fitting and cheap school shoes. She gets a new pair of Clarks or Start Rite for school every few months, when she's grown out of the old pair. 'Leisure shoes' are another thing and I'm quite happy for her to slob around it Primark sandals at home. I'm mortified now that this mum thinks I'm a vicious snob and that I'm teaching my dd bad values. But at the same time I think she's being a complete plank about telling me in the first place.

OP posts:
theNaughtiestGirlKeepsaSecret · 23/09/2008 17:08

I agree that 9 yr olds should learn not to say exactly what they're thinking, but fgs, it was hardly the most personal or hurtful comment in the World. If somebody said that to my dd, I'd just laugh and think, kids ey? they say it how it is

Other mother being incredibly precious. Her dd will hear worse than that, and from people who mean her no harm!

I would be FAR to embarrassed to go up to another mother and imply that she should be able to control every word that came out of her 9 yr old child's mouth! It's not possible. It implies that she thinks you're not teaching your child right from wrong, about feelings etc.. tbh, I think the other mother was a wankress as UQD would say.

JuneBugJen · 23/09/2008 17:09

9 year old girls are inconsiderate and thoughtless!!!
Please dont let anyone here make you think you have a spiteful child...some of these threads are a bit nasty without knowing your dd's motivation.
You have an opinion about Barratts shoes, that they fall apart, which is fair enough if that is your opinion! As others have said, its not like you or your dd really slagged them off! I don't rate Tesco babygros and would say so. Does that make me spiteful?

The mother is being a bit sensitive I think.

TheFallenMadonna · 23/09/2008 17:10

You certainly are trivialising what she said.

I wouldn't have tackled you about it. But I would have been at your dd.

TheHedgeWitch · 23/09/2008 17:10

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cornsilk · 23/09/2008 17:14

that's a bit harsh hedgewitch

theNaughtiestGirlKeepsaSecret · 23/09/2008 17:15

In defence of Barratts shoes, I had a pair once and they did last for years. They don't fall apart.

TheHedgeWitch · 23/09/2008 17:16

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StayFrosty · 23/09/2008 17:23

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cornsilk · 23/09/2008 17:31

this is what the op says her daughter said
''apparently my dd said 'you shouldn't buy your shoes from there because they don't last long - they'll have fallen apart in a few weeks.''
OP explained she was probably repeating a view expressed by herself. This does not make her a snob or a bully.
Hedgewitch you called her dd a brat. I think that's really unkind and far more hurtful than saying that shoes from Barratts fall apart.

JuneBugJen · 23/09/2008 17:32

Perhaps have a quiet chat with your dd to find out why she said what she said before being too upset by her behaviour.

Do you think she is bullying this girl and this is the tip of the iceberg?

Are there any good books about about bullying etc? I read 'Blubber' by Judy Blume at her age about it. Not sure how it holds up with time but perhaps there are others (if you think it is a problem)

Blu · 23/09/2008 17:33

Blimey!

I have some sympathy over your dd sounding of about shoes without thinking - I can see my neices doing that, but also that they would understand if told that they need to be tactful and not slag off other people's things. And i would be a bit taken aback at the mother mentioning it.

BUT if I took either of my 9-10 yo neices to Pizza Express and they screeched, ran about , shouted dirty rhymes and flashed their pants it would be 'Express Exit, No Pizza' almost before they got started. How did you sit there while they carried on like that?

StewieGriffinsMom · 23/09/2008 17:37

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Guadalupe · 23/09/2008 17:41

I don't think she was unreasonable to mention that it upset her daughter. That is the kind of thing that can feel devastating as a child, especially if you already feel uncomfortable about having cheaper things.

However, I don't think your daughter was awful to say it. That's the kind of thing that children repeat. It was a seemingly harmless comment. It happened to upset a child though, therefore it seems pretty straightforward to me to say to a nine year old, that, although you won't be buying your shoes from there, it isn't polite to tell other people they shouldn't.

TheHedgeWitch · 23/09/2008 17:41

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JuneBugJen · 23/09/2008 17:43

Isn't it better though, Hedgewitch, to lable the behaviour and not the child?

She is not a brat but her behaviour can be a bit brattish I reckon. But so can any 9 year olds!

Sorry to get a bit 70's wafty there.

cornsilk · 23/09/2008 17:46

sorry hedgewitch - but I personally feel it's unkind to label the child as a brat based on the info given. I don't know the OP at all. However I do know you from MN Hedgewitch and don't wish to fall out, so will stop posting on this thread now.

falcon · 23/09/2008 17:46

I'm with Hedgewitch on this, sounds like both mother and daughter need a good shake.

I would never have let it get to that extreme in Pizza Express or anywhere for that matter. I'd have dragged them out immediately once they started that nonsense, by the scruff of the neck if necessary.

StewieGriffinsMom · 23/09/2008 17:46

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silvercrown · 23/09/2008 17:47

I would probably have laughed - I mean it's quite clearly the sort of comment a parent says - what a silly thing to get upset about. I like the saying that kids rarely misquote you - in fact they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said!!!! It's your opinion and you're entitled to it. I worry about the mother but what about the DD? God help her if she grows up getting upset over things like that!!!

Saturn74 · 23/09/2008 17:48

"Last year her and a friend nearly got punched by a clown they goosed in the foyer of Sainsbury's....."

What did you say to your DD when she did that?
What did you say to the clown?

TheHedgeWitch · 23/09/2008 17:50

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Ripeberry · 23/09/2008 17:52

I've had a child from DD1 class come to our house for a playdate and she kept saying "God how can you live in such a small house?" I was a bit but did not mention it to the parent.
But then if you live in a 6 bedroom,5 reception room millhouse then anything would seem "small"

Blu · 23/09/2008 17:52

What about "I have no idea whether the child is a brat - but she is behaving as if she is a brat"??

PuzzleRocks · 23/09/2008 17:54

I must admit, were I a diner in PizzaExpress at the time, I would think "what a brat". Sorry.

saint2shoes · 23/09/2008 17:56

PuzzleRocks you and me both

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