to think this mum's being a bit over sensitive?

[gabygirl]

..... One of the mums from dd's class sidled up to me in the playground this morning with the heartsink comment 'can I have a quick word with you about something your dd has said to my dd?'

Seems my dd (9) had said to her dd that she liked her shoes, and asked her dd where she'd got them from. When she said 'Barrett's' apparently my dd said 'you shouldn't buy your shoes from there because they don't last long - they'll have fallen apart in a few weeks'.

The mum told me her dd had got really upset and hadn't known what to say. I apologised for my dd hurting her dd's feelings about her shoes but even while I was saying it I was mentally rolling my eyes into the back of my head. I mean - is this something other people here would take up with a parent?

The thing is it was horribly embarrassing because dd was repeating something I'd said. Ideally dd would like a new pair of school shoes every 3 weeks. I've said to her on many occasions that I'm not wasting money or jeopardising her feet by buying her cheap school shoes that'll fall apart and look horrible within a few days of getting home. I'm not snobby but I hate seeing a child in ill-fitting and cheap school shoes. She gets a new pair of Clarks or Start Rite for school every few months, when she's grown out of the old pair. 'Leisure shoes' are another thing and I'm quite happy for her to slob around it Primark sandals at home. I'm mortified now that this mum thinks I'm a vicious snob and that I'm teaching my dd bad values. But at the same time I think she's being a complete plank about telling me in the first place.

yabu
the dd was probally quite hurt by your dd's comments. 9 is hardly a "little" girl and she should think of others a bit.
it is horrible when you are young and aother children slag of your clothes, not all parents are well off enough to buyproper shoes.

It's not a big deal really though is it? Kids do pick up on what we say about things. One of ds's friends used to always look under ds's bed and comment on the mess under there! I'm sure he didn't give a toss but maybe his mum is houseproud and checks under their beds.

Oh sympathise with you!

When dd started in her current school in Year 2, a lot of her classmates were in high heels - this became particularly prevalent in the summer. One child had heels of about 3 inches. Well, we were getting dd's summer sandals and she wanted the ones this other girl had, to which I said "No, heels at your age will make your bones grow in the wrong shape and will ruin your back for life."

Monday at school, this is precisely what dd says to this poor girl! Her mother didn't take it up with me, but certainly never even looked in my direction again.

DD does (now she is 9) understand that there are things such as this, where it is not a good idea to repeat what mum says. However, she has used it with good friends as an illustration of how mean and unreasonable her parents are and how hard is her lot!

You are a snob, nothing wrong with barrats

Cornsilk - If the child it was said to was upset then clearly it was a big deal to her, we don't even know if other things have been said to her, by the OPs daughter or otherwise. Maybe this is the straw that broke the camels back.

YANBU. Neurotic mother alert me thinks. So what if you said it and your DD repeated it, we say things that we believe. Now it would be different if you said, so and so wears cheap crap shoes that are from Barretts. Don't loose sleep over it, the othermother obviously does'nt have enought to do.

BTW agree with Vin that there is nothing wrong with Barretts.

If this were my dd1 I would speak to her about making such blunt comments and explain that it hurt her friends feelings but also feel a bit that the mum needed to speak to me about it.

If I was the mum of the other child I would have cuddled my dd and told her to ignore the other child and then gone and done something nice together.

Fairly spiteful I'd say. You need to instil a bit of kindness in your dd. I remember wearing homemade clothes as a child and feeling mortified and inferior about it. I know realise how bad my Mum must have felt about it. What a sad story.

It sounds like your DD is jealous of her friend having so many new shoes, so repeated the argument you use when she says she wants new ones- that she should have better quality less often. You've said yourself that she wants more shoes.

As for the mother, she probably came to you because it was quite obvious that the comment was your DD repeating what she had heard.

i personally wouldnt have batted an eye lid!, its kids repeating what adults have said and lets be honest when i bought dd a pair of boots from barretts they DID fall apart straight away!..she may 'wish' she had new shoes but TBH i dont think your dd was being spiteful, she was copying a grown up comment.

It's not about the quality of Barratts' shoes.

It's about a child being old enough to know not to repeat a private intended-for-her-ears-only comment to someone who would be hurt by it.

Thoughtlessly repeating a comment their parent has made - at precisely the wrong moment - is something that all small kids do. Small kids. Four year olds. Not nine year olds.

The point is that nine is old enough to make a decision to repeat a comment like that and old enough to consider whether or not it will hurt someone's feelings.

I can imagine being 9 having got a great new pair of shoes and being really pleased that other people noticed and that remark could be really upsetting. Not blaming you or your dd as I dont think it was meant to upset but I can see how it was upsetting iyswim. To be honest the other mum coming over to you was possibly the best solution as it may save further upset between the girls.

even barretts type prices would be above my price range so can see why the other mother was pissed off that your daughter told her little girl her nice new shoes were crap and bound to fall apart

i'm sorry but for a 9 year old that comment was almost certainly either intentionally a put down to belittle the other girl or complete and utter snobby one upmanship.

i'd be very irritated too if my dd went into school proud and happy with her new shoes and came home miserable and embarrassed having been told they were cheap tat.

you should have a talk with your daughter about saying things like that and maybe consider being a little bit more conscious of the nonsense you talk yourself so she's not picking up things like that in the first place.

'Thoughtlessly repeating a comment their parent has made' is exactly what 9 nine year olds often do.

Where are all these tactful, thoughtful, considerate 9 year olds?

You expect them to be more tactful than a four year old, and yet not as tactful as a 12 year old, or 38yr old.

I agree, if I heard my child saying such a thing to another child, I would certainly discuss it with them and point out how hurtful and thoughtless thier commet was, as part of thier learning process about such things.

BUT if my DS said a child had said someting to similar to him, I'd do waht Enid said, say not to worry, big up the shoes and generally jolly them along to feel better.

I wouldn't mention it to the mother.

I save such, laden with potential offense, type approaches to really serious matters that the grown ups just have to get involved in.

It's always dodgey ground and should be a Last Resort.

Can you tell my eldest DC is eight, Szyslak?

Yeah, you're in for a big disapointment next year.

No in three years when DD is 9.

DS1 (8) never listens to a word I say - there is no chance he will repeat any of my ill-chosen words or opinions.

The other day I told him off for saying something a bit rude.

He said - "well you say things in front of us. Things like [furrowed brow, while I cringed] . . . blast."

Given that I have said all of: fuck, shit, bollocks, prat, twat, wanker etc etc clearly in his hearing, whilst driving, proves my point.

9 year olds do thoughtlessly repeat comments.

Your DD ought to know better than to make such a rude comment to a school friend.

She was being oversensitive in my imo. If your DD had said 'shoes from Barretts are cheap and nasty' that would be another thing altogether.

My DD upon using my mils bathroom suggested to granny, that she could try the toilet cleaner mummy uses because her loo smells lovely, granny!!!

She is a plank.

Happenned to me once. A mum said to me "Your ds upset my dd yesterday by telling her she wasn't the prettiest girl in the class - she was so upset"

Look - I'd hold my hands up and admit that dd can be a bit of a cow. I took her out for a meal with two of her friends a while back and I was appalled by the relish they showed for bitching about a mutual 'friend'. I had a good talk with all of them about hurtful their behaviour was - that gossip was fun but standing up for each other and being kind was more important. TBH once girls this age get the bit between their teeth there's no stopping them. It was a scorching experience. They got louder and louder, doing dirty clapping games that involved them flashing their pants, running in and out of the loos and screeching with laughter. It was like they'd had a bottle of wine each instead of a round of fantas. We nearly got chucked out of Pizza Express.

Problem is that dd has got a bit of a tongue on her. She's the youngest in her year but she can talk rings round most of the other children, and does. She's so .....bold. Last year her and a friend nearly got punched by a clown they goosed in the foyer of Sainsbury's..... I was a little mouse at her age. What's happened to modern children to make them so feisty?

Anyway, I'm not trivialising what she said - it was hurtful. I just think tackling me over it was a bit..... extra.