to think this mum's being a bit over sensitive?

[gabygirl]

..... One of the mums from dd's class sidled up to me in the playground this morning with the heartsink comment 'can I have a quick word with you about something your dd has said to my dd?'

Seems my dd (9) had said to her dd that she liked her shoes, and asked her dd where she'd got them from. When she said 'Barrett's' apparently my dd said 'you shouldn't buy your shoes from there because they don't last long - they'll have fallen apart in a few weeks'.

The mum told me her dd had got really upset and hadn't known what to say. I apologised for my dd hurting her dd's feelings about her shoes but even while I was saying it I was mentally rolling my eyes into the back of my head. I mean - is this something other people here would take up with a parent?

The thing is it was horribly embarrassing because dd was repeating something I'd said. Ideally dd would like a new pair of school shoes every 3 weeks. I've said to her on many occasions that I'm not wasting money or jeopardising her feet by buying her cheap school shoes that'll fall apart and look horrible within a few days of getting home. I'm not snobby but I hate seeing a child in ill-fitting and cheap school shoes. She gets a new pair of Clarks or Start Rite for school every few months, when she's grown out of the old pair. 'Leisure shoes' are another thing and I'm quite happy for her to slob around it Primark sandals at home. I'm mortified now that this mum thinks I'm a vicious snob and that I'm teaching my dd bad values. But at the same time I think she's being a complete plank about telling me in the first place.

[Elasticwoman]

I don't so much think the other mum is over-sensitive, as not dealing with the situation appropriately. If one of mine came home upset and said Jane Bloggs said XYZ to me, I'd discuss what riposte could have been made, or whether it would have been better to ignore.

Our role as parents is not to fight every battle for our children, but enable our dc to deal with these situations, which will occur throughout life, on their own.

[hotCheeseBurns]

I would assume your daughter made the comment without thinking rather than out of spite - god knows I've said worse things to people.

Reminds me of a time at guide camp (I must have been about 10) when I told a girl who'd recently had her hair permed that she would have to use shampoo for damaged hair now. She was really offended and I had no idea why! I was just interested and a bit jealous.

And also around that age my best friend started wearing a bra and when I told her I was getting one too she said "what for?!". I was really hurt but I know she didn't mean to upset me.

It's a bit harsh to assume that the comment was made spitefully.

[lou33]

i admit i wouldnt have bothered to say anything to the mum, if it were me, but i would have told my child to just take no notice, that the other girl was not trying to be deliberately mean (hopefully)

the restaurant and clown issues are more concerning i think, but whilst less serious, it does show to some extent a lack of respect she seems to have towards others

[DocBunches]

YANBU regarding the mum having a word about your DD's comment to her DD - personally I wouldn't have said anything to another mum about something like that (even though it was a hurtful comment, which you have acknowledged). I would have told my DD to ignore her, but that's just me. Quite often, imo, these situations are 'six-of-one, half-a-dozen of the other', but as other posters have said, the other mum may have some deeper issues?

Regarding 'you get what you pay for' - I don't necessarily agree. My DS has Barrett shoes and DD has Bootleg (simply because that's all I could get to fit them, not because of favouritism). I can't tell any difference in quality, despite the Bootlegs costing about £20 more

[Blu]

The adult male was being a clown - it wasn't the store manager in the aisles.

Children often are encouraged to play around with 'characters', and often get totally OTT, pushing, pulling etc.

Some children seem to think it's funny to slap adults bottoms - I find it completely maddening and rude...but other adults seem to encourag it. Gaby's girl would only have been 8 a the time.

[ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe]

gabygirl - maybe you would like to pass on some tights to the child with holes as big as your fist, and maybe some shoes your daughter doesn't need anymore.

[cory]

Agree with Humphrey. That and the knickers flashing in a public place is a little unusual in such an old child IMO. And not terribly safe IMHO.

Reading your posts it sounds a bit like you think of her as being much younger than her actual age. After all, a 9yo is not a small child who's only just started school; she is a child who will be going off to secondary in a couple of years' time, a child who may well hit puberty next year- or at least who will be in the same class as girls who do (my dd did at that age and it's not unusual). As she grows visibly older, people will be less tolerant of babyish behaviour and will expect more maturity.

I agree that a tactless comment in the school playground hardly seems worth making a fuss about and the mother was over-reacting IMO; still, public behaviour when you are actually present is something you can control, so that is a good place to start.

gabygirl on Tue 23-Sep-08 18:27:40

"But then she also can't get her head around the fact that there are so many children in her class who come from poor families who won't wear hand-me-downs."

Do you allow her to discuss the spending patterns of her friends' families in this critical and unsympathetic way? Perhaps that is not such a good idea. I think I might tell dd to mind her own business at this point.

[ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe]

I agree. Why does she need to know that some children have hand me downs?

[gabygirl]

"gabygirl - maybe you would like to pass on some tights to the child with holes as big as your fist, and maybe some shoes your daughter doesn't need anymore."

Have tried, tactfully, to do this. Mother won't accept hand me downs or what she sees as 'charity' and gets very offended if offered.

"Do you allow her to discuss the spending patterns of her friends' families in this critical and unsympathetic way? "

Don't think it's unsympathetic to discuss this issue. We've talked about these things a bit - why some people might not want second hand stuff (see it as dirty, self-esteem connected with having new, flash, stuff).

"It seems a bit worrying that your nine year old is already being nasty about other girls behind their backs"

DD was by no means the worst offender - the other girls were even more keen to pick over absent friend's behaviour than she was.

I wonder if it's got anything to do with where we live. DD goes to an inner city London primary. A lot of the children in her class are very streetwise and tough. I think dh and I are pretty strict - all the usual stuff: regular, reasonable bed-times, no tv in her bedroom, no inappropriate films, no swearing, please and thank you, eat what's put in front of you etc etc . She gets loads of attention and she's never exposed to disrespectful behaviour at home. The one thing I would say is that she's hugely more confident than I was at her age. She initiates conversations with adults and other children and doesn't seem to be frightened of anyone(except her teachers - quite rightly!). I was terrified of everyone when I was 9, especially my parents.

[pointydog]

The comment about the shoes was exactly the sort of everyday comment that parents say in front of children and then children repeat it to friends. I find it odd that a mother complained. No big deal.

The girls' behaviour in the restaurant and the supermarket was embarrassing. I wouldn't allow it.

[onebatmother]

I must say I think gabygirl is being very honest despite getting a bit of a hard time, and is responding to some rather over-heated implications (partic re goosing being sinister) with considerable good grace.

[Saturn74]

I mentioned 'Goosinggate', but I didn't make any overheated implications or suggest anything sinister had occurred.

I said that I would be concerned about NT 9-year olds who thought it appropriate to go up to an adult stranger and goose him.

And I would make them apologise to the adult, and then ground their asses for the foreseeable future.

[handlemecarefully]

gabygirl - Good grief, no wonder you were mentally rolling your eyes. The comment from your dd to the other was frankly no big deal

[handlemecarefully]

"The more you say, the more she sounds like a brat with no respect for anyone elses feelings."



Yes, because you evidently have a lot of respect for the OP's feelings in labelling her child a brat. You're an example to us all Hedgewitch

[pointydog]

If that comment hurt my dd to that extent, I'd be having a good chat with my own dd about why she shouldn't be the least bit bithered by such comments. Talking to the other girlk's mum is a pointless thing to do.

[handlemecarefully]

Well I agree that now the other mum has mentioned it, Gaby should (and no doubt has)discuss it with her dd so that she appreciates how it might be hurtful. But I also think, that if I was the mother of the offended child, that unless there was a pattern of repeated hurtful remarks, a bit more potent than this particular one, I personally wouldn't bother mentioning a one-off to another parent.

[ahundredbiros]

Oh I don't think she was being tactless, I think she was jealous. OP said her daughter likes to have new shoes, friend has new shoes, OP's daughter jealous and goes for the put down.

If anything, I'd have that chat with her I think.

Not sure about the parent. Seems a bit odd.

[ahundredbiros]

Then I might go up to mother tomorrow and say 'I've spoken to dd. To be honest I think she was a bit jealous of your dd's shoes, and that was why she was mean. I've spoken to her about it.'

Then mother can tell her dd this, and that dd can skip into school with her ultra cool jealous making shoes on and everyone is happy.

Except your dd. Who is battling with a green eyed monster in Clarks shoes, but you can help with that.

[onebatmother]

100x, well put.

[ahundredbiros]

[embraces OBM again, glasses fly off]

[pointydog]

apart from teh fact the two kids will be warring till kingdom come. "My mum said your mum said you were jealous"

[gabygirl]

"So have you been offering hand-me-downs to the mother of the girl your dd was rude to, gabygirl?"

No. Different girl.

"I said that I would be concerned about NT 9-year olds who thought it appropriate to go up to an adult stranger and goose him"

Oh - dd didn't think it was appropriate. She thought it was highly inappropriate, which is why she did it. Like a lot of children, she doesn't really like clowns and this one was just that little bit to hearty. If she'd been on her own she wouldn't have done it, but she's prone to overexcited behaviour when she's with her friends.

"Oh I don't think she was being tactless, I think she was jealous"

Yes - I think so. She's gagging for a new pair of pumps. I've been saying 'no' for the past six weeks. Have discussed tactless behaviour with her. Haven't told her to initiate apology (think it's better not to stir it all up) but if girl raises issue again to say sorry and explain that she didn't mean to hurt her feelings.