to think my dh is big a selfish twat, i am sick of him saying "i've been at work allday"

[waterdrop]

so fucking what i've been looking after the baby allday.

he is always doing it.

yesterday, didn't realise it at the time but dd 16 months was poorly, i just thought she was being a typical 16month old starting to assert her own mind.
so it was afairly tough day with her.

i had loads of errands to run [going to the bank etc]and we only have one car so i had to pick h up from work.
got home i fed the baby he started on tea.
when i finished feediing the baby i started helping him.
unloading the dishwasher.

dd was stressy and grissling in her highchair and h was stressing saying just give her a biscuit to shut her up.
so i said im just getting her some bread.
then he stormed over to the fridge slamming doors etc and got a biscuit out when i already got dd some bread.
then he was moaning about dd grisling saying oh ive been at work all day.
then poor old dd was sick everywhere.
he goes to the downstairs loo to get a tiny bit of tissue to clear it up.

then starts moaning oh this means no sleep tonight then,no real concern for dd just himself nd his sleep. dd is 16 months old and you can count on your hands the amount of sleepless nights she has had since shes been born, which i don't thinnk is too bad.
again h just being selfish that dds being ill is going to effect his sleep.

then after she goes to bed, shes crying crying crying so we bring her down after quite a while and shes sick everywhere again.
eventually we have to put her to bed as its so late, poor little thing was crying so much, she was coughing alot and at one point i thought it sounded like she had been sick again then it went quite so i was worried she might of chocked on her own vomit or something so i crept into her room to check on her.
she hadnt been sick and was just creeping back when dh started to shout in a whisper what are you doing get back here.
which did stir dd up more.
then i got the blame for disturbing her.
i explined i thought he might of choked on her own vomit, dh starts huffing and puffing and pulling off the bed covers.
making loads of noise.
saying oh i hope you get to enjoy your lie in tomorrow.
as it happens dd woke up and started crying as soon as the alarm went off anyway.

he he seems like a total twat and selfish idiot to me.
do you thinnk i'm right?

Wait for his reaction when he gets home, I think that will tell you a lot.
Good luck!
I'll check back tonight & see if you've posted anything new. I'm here to talk even if you just need somebody to rant at, lol. x

thanks, i will probably post vlate tonight. yiur right his reaction will tell me alot

waterdrop you both sound like you really resent each others lifestyles - has it always been like this or has it just been this way since you became a sahm?

DP works long hours and we have our ups and downs, when we first had DS1 he was very similar to your dp he had a very childish attitude towards things. I always felt that i couldn't say anything to him although i worked ft too then and i still had to do everything and some

but our relationship was fairly new we'd only been together for 3 wks before i fell pg with DS1 and it was really hard going for both of us for at least 18mths - 2 yrs because we we're still getting to knoew each other as well as having a new baby, but i loved him i knew he loved me and we both wanted to work at it - although there were many many times i nearly left

We are still together 11 yrs later i'm now a sahm, we have 4 DC and i'm pg with no 5 - its very hard going!! but i now give dp more freedom (i was really quite clingy and dependant looking back at it), dp now takes time off when i need him to, if i'm having a shitty day i phone him during the day and tell him i'm having a bad day he then 'knows' what to do when he gets home

DP has a stressful job, he commutes, works bloody long hours and goes away with work regularly - but i now don't feel like i don't contribute financially to the household like i used to as i am raising our DC (more or less single handedly most of the time) this was a choice we made together. When we do have 'discussions' about the work load now i remind him of all the freedom to do what he wants when he wants compared to me, i tell him i appreciate what he does (and i do!) but that i also have 'alot' of stress at home, yes its a different type of stress but its still stressful. He does understand and i know he does appreciate what i do at home, the 'issues' i used to have were mainly ones i had created through resentment of dp having less responsibility for the dc than i do on a day to day basis

it still gets to me but i now find it easier to talk to dp about these things without feeling foolish and i know he takes it on board and understands me now.

if you still love and want to be with your dp then do keep trying, yes i know you will again be doing all the work on this. Have you had much time alone together since your DD was born? this again will affect your relationship as it has changed since becoming parents and you will need to get to know each other again on a new level - if you can try and meet him for lunch with dd or get someone to babysit while you go out together once a month (DP and i have a rule when we go out that we don't talk about work or the DC and we always find loads to talk about) or if you can afford it you go away alone with your mates/mum/sister for the weekend have a laugh/get pissed/go shopping and leave him with DD - i can guarentee that you will both appreciate each other more when you get back

sorry for the long post and i do hope you can find the right solution for you x

thanks for the post we get no help from family with babysitting only had 2 nights out since we had dd, no family help us.

i think im just retailiating to how he is iyswim.
i think we both work equally hard.
but im sick of being told how easy i have it.

we have very little help from family either and if we do they make sure we know they are doing a huge favour so i no longer bother, we have to pay for a sitter which is why we don't go out too much!

i know what you mean about retaliating to their behaviour i spent a couple of years doing that too wasn't healthy for either of us but thankfully we did eventually listen to each other

i don't know what to say, its a horrible situation to be in but there is no one way to make someone see how selfish they are being

YANBU!

Your H looking after DD for 1 day will be easy for him as it's something different to do with an end in sight. It won't show him what's it's like for you getting run down every day of every week of every month for years.

Sounds like he's actually going well out of his way to undermine you without any provocation from yourself whatsoever. If you have to look after DD by yourself, the very least he could do is STFU and let you get on with it.

Very for you

when DP does have to look after the DC on his own, that is all he does look after the DC no housework or anything.......says he can't fit it in as the dc always need something

FWIW when we do have 'discussions' like this now i just tell dp that we decided i gave up work to become a sahm and raise our dc not to be a cleaner, cook and bottlewasher and if he doesn't like it then he can do it himself or fuck off

yeaah thats half the problem, my idea of looking after dd and his, if he did have dd for the day he would let her eat crap to shut her up and just stick her in front of the tv.
like at weekends i do so much in the week there is not much to do t wekends i try nd keep them as free as possible.
so if he had dd for a day or a few hours he would say its easy.
thats what he has said when hes looked after dd for a few hours if ive been out.

do less during the week and leave things for him to do at the weekends

that way there is less pressure on you during the week and he can help out because he doesn't have the excuse of being 'at work all day'

just ask in a friendly type of manner 'please could you just clean the kitchen floor while i do ...' or 'could you bath DD while i do tea' stuff like that, don't give him a massive list of jobs to do at the weekend just mentally save a few things for him to do

Hmmm. Can I provide an alternative viewpoint here (without wishing to drag it into a SAHM vs. WOHM debate).

I work full time. DW now works pretty much full time (4 days as week) but stayed at home until DD was about 9 months old. When she got back to work she was, I think it's fair to say, shocked at how tired she was doing her old job but with a kid as well - Whilst she was on maternity leave looking after DD, she always thought I had an incredibly easy life, catching the tube in, being able to go out for lunch, getting the paper to read. Hmmm, not so much when she got back to work... and I'd like to say here as well that we split, and have always split, childcare and house tasks pretty equally, be it getting up at night with DD, cooking/ cleaning etc.

I think it's very easy for both sides to entrenched in a debate about who's life is harder without having any regard for the other person's position. Your husband is almost certainly not, for example, swanning around having a lovely time whilst you work your fingers to the bone. He is probably, if my and most other people's experience is anything to go by, working as hard as he can to get home as fast as he can with absolutely sod all sympathy from anyone that he's looking knackered and just hoping that he's not so tired that he actively screws something up.

There's no sitting down having a coffee in the sun with the paper. Breezing around the shops at lunch. Chatting with colleagues. There probably is, however, people demanding stuff an hour ago. A quick sandwich at his desk whilst preparing for a meeting. Hoping he can awake for a client presentation. And yes, worrying about how his kid's doing - strangely enough you can still be stressed you're not going to get enough sleep to be able to function and yet still love your kid and be worried about them. Imagine that.

And then he gets a text from you - not a text to say can we chat, not a telephone call, not a talk when he gets back - but a long stroppy text sent in the heat of the moment (I hope) which has probably made his day immeasurably more shit.

So yes, he's being unreasonable, but yes, you certainly are as well.

Usually it ends up being resentment about money, and who is earning it...

ive already said i don't think on thing is harder or easier than the other they are both hard at imes in thir own way.

i do know dh will have alunch break and coffee before work and peace on the train ti read the paper.
i do KNOW that.

im not interested in sahp v wohp.

i do realise talking is the best way forward but unforuatly as i have already said ive tried that and its not working.
i can't always be the one to smooth things over.
its give and take on both side, not just one side.

Message withdrawn

cestlavie - i don't think the issue for the OP is a sahp v wohp one i think the issue here is one of respect for what the other does whether that be at home or work. the op's dh doesn't seem to value what she does at home or in raising their child and to effect tells her that, therefore the op feels like shit and resents her dp - its a hard to know what to say though as her dp doesn't seem to listen

Hi Waterdrop, how was dh when he got in from work last night? Hope you're ok.

Waterdrop I could have written all of your posts. My H was a lazy twat when my dc were babies. Never once got up in the night with either of them. I don't believe that people in full time work have it equally as hard as the SAHM I am sorry I just don't. There is always more down time at work, even if it is just a chat around the water dispenser not to mention as you say, reading the paper on the train and a nice relaxing sandwich at lunchtime.

I started college this week, it is a very intensive course but I dont half enjoy my hour lunch break, doing a bit of studying and enjoying my avocado wrap from Pret. H is looking after dd. He mentioned how busy it was and how demanding dd is and I said "I know, I have been doing it for nearly 6 years with two of them and all you ever did was come in and bellyache about the house being a mess". He said absolutely nothing in return. I don't really have any good advice but one thing I will say is that I put up with a lot of crap from H in the early days and I didnt take steps to sort it out then (hadnt discovered Mumsnet then ) and it only got worse and worse. Going to college and getting out the house did it for me.

MissyK - you make it sound so easy. Maybe it is. Maybe I have been putting up with all this crap for no reason. Good on you.

I totally regard DH's 70 minute commute as a break. He doesn't get it.

He says it's commuting.

I say, "But you're alone, reading, nobody tugging at your sleeve, nobody wiping snot on your shoulder and you get that TWICE a day,"

I think that says a lot about being a SAHM when you start to regard commuting a a luxury!

Cestlavivie,

I have'nt read the while thread. But I thought your post was very interesting. My DH works very hard as I do as a SAHM. I quite often think that I have it easier! (sorry) My children are not babies and I do think the under 2 stage is very hard. I can come and go as I want, my dh never complains that the house is a mess, if I'm tired I can out my feet up for half an hour, I can meet up with friends etc.

My Dh does'nt do the proper housework ie cleaning the toilet, dusting etc, he does load the dishwasher and clean up after dinner (now that I am pregnant) which I usually cook. He is often puts the kids to bed , sometimes does homework and takes kids to activities. I have a pretty easy life! I won't be saying that in 6 months time.

I agree with Honororia. He may be being unreasonable, but you need to discuss this like adults, not try to point score. If you tell him he has it easy, nice relaxing train journey, cups of coffee and lunchtime shopping then you are taking the piss out of his working day. If you think it's so easy then why don't you get a job too, pay for childcare and then come home and share the chores between you??
TBH, if you are at home all day, presumably he is having to support the family financially singlehanded, and in this day and age that either means doing a relatively well paid job which will have stresses, or doing a low paid less stressful job but putting in very long hours to earn enough. I'm afraid your situation sums up what can go wrong when couples choose these roles and then end up resentful of the other person. Sounds like you both need a proper discussion without slinging insults. Yes, looking after children is hard work, when I was on my last maternity leave I had 3 preschoolers, but IMO any family where one parent can afford to be at home full time potentially has it very easy in comparison to families where both parents work. Sorry if that's not what you want to hear, but I think it's true. Imagine what it's like when you have a grizzly toddler and very little sleep and you BOTH have to get up, get your child to nursery and then go and do a full day's work, making decisions, dealing with people and acting as if you're on top form even if you're not feeling it. It's hard work, but I guess the upside is that as a couple you truly understand and appreciate what the other is doing.

Tbh us both working was not an option. I wasn't qualified to do anything particularly well paid so most of my wages would have been taken up by childcare costs. So it was not really a case of "affording" to be at home. It was financially pointless to be anywhere else. So I wouldn't agree that a home where one parent can afford to be at home full time has it very easy in comparison to families where both parents work.

I do think there needs to be respect for what the other is doing whether it be working or childcare. Sadly this was absent in my relationship in that while I was fully aware of the crap that H was having to do all day to support us, having him use it as a Get out of jail free card on every possible child or house related task made me unbelievably resentful and in turn disrespectful of him. It sounds like this is what has happened with the OP.

I think that for the SAHM life every aspect of life changes beyond all recognition but for the working partner this is not the case. Socially the SAHM is not really recognised or respected for her achievements and that is pretty much the opinion of everyone often including the DH/DP. Think it is the constant undercurrent of disrespect that creates the majority of these problems.

I understand what you say Amethyst, but surely the fact in itself that you weren't well qualified enough to do anything well paid, and therefore you stayed at home (while your other half presumably does have more earning capacity and has therefore taken on the role of earner) points to the fact that you are taking the roles best suited to your family at this particular time? Sorry, that's a very rambling sentence, but to put it simply, if one partner (mum or dad) is going to bear responsibility for being sole earner, then actually they are doing an incredibly valuable job, and it shouldnt be belittled along the lines of 'Oh your commute is a lovely break', 'You just get to drink coffee all day'. Sorry, but the world of work is not like that. I have deadlines to meet, tough situations to deal with etc. I enjoy my job, and it gives me a sense of self worth as well as an income but honestly, being at home with 3 prechoolers with no targets to meet other than those i set myself - eg get them up, make meal, go for walks, do a bit of housework, play games - was a breeze in comparison with being a parent and working.
I also think it's a bit misleading to think in terms of one parent paying for child care - surely both earning parents contribute to it?
I had two children in nursery for a while, and one way of looking at it was that the nursery fees took up about 95% of my salary (in which case I might have felt it wasnt worthwhile working). But another way to look at it is that my DH and I both paid a proportion of our salaries towards the fees, thus enabling us both to work!

hi, well when dh got in he said he was sorry and that what we both do is equal and that he will stop saying silly things.
he said he just said it because he was stressed at the time, as i had been out doing errands all day, so when i picked him up from work and we got home we both got straight on with things.
i never told him to, he just did
he said he needs a 5 min rest when he gets in before doing anything and to get changed.
fair enough.
i have no problem whatsoever with that

i have heard him say this kinda thing before, so we shall see if he sticks to it.

thanks for all the advice and help.
esp missyk

find the river if you actually read my posts i think you will see i said neither is harder they are both equal and both there difficulties.
as for your question.
If you think it's so easy then why don't you get a job too, pay for childcare and then come home and share the chores between you??
i never said it was so easy, i said it was equal, i explained that what i put on that txt was just going down to his level and clearly the best way is to talk about it which i had tried to do.
i'm not going to put my dd into childcare as i feel children derserve, where possible, to be looked after by someone that loves them either parent grandparent aunt uncle. in the formative all important years and i am not will to comprise my dd just to prove a point to dh about how much i actually do.
but i am going to start leaving a few chores for the weekend, starting next week.

hahahahahaha if you think you're going to get reaction by comments as absurd as

'i'm not going to put my dd into childcare as i feel children derserve, where possible, to be looked after by someone that loves them either parent grandparent aunt uncle.'

then think again!
Clearly you are very resentful with your lot and unable to have a grown up discussion with your husband about the roles YOU have chosen!
I believe children thrive growing up in families where they are loved and where their parents are happy and fulfilled, not moaning at eachother about their lot.