to think my dh is big a selfish twat, i am sick of him saying "i've been at work allday"

[waterdrop]

so fucking what i've been looking after the baby allday.

he is always doing it.

yesterday, didn't realise it at the time but dd 16 months was poorly, i just thought she was being a typical 16month old starting to assert her own mind.
so it was afairly tough day with her.

i had loads of errands to run [going to the bank etc]and we only have one car so i had to pick h up from work.
got home i fed the baby he started on tea.
when i finished feediing the baby i started helping him.
unloading the dishwasher.

dd was stressy and grissling in her highchair and h was stressing saying just give her a biscuit to shut her up.
so i said im just getting her some bread.
then he stormed over to the fridge slamming doors etc and got a biscuit out when i already got dd some bread.
then he was moaning about dd grisling saying oh ive been at work all day.
then poor old dd was sick everywhere.
he goes to the downstairs loo to get a tiny bit of tissue to clear it up.

then starts moaning oh this means no sleep tonight then,no real concern for dd just himself nd his sleep. dd is 16 months old and you can count on your hands the amount of sleepless nights she has had since shes been born, which i don't thinnk is too bad.
again h just being selfish that dds being ill is going to effect his sleep.

then after she goes to bed, shes crying crying crying so we bring her down after quite a while and shes sick everywhere again.
eventually we have to put her to bed as its so late, poor little thing was crying so much, she was coughing alot and at one point i thought it sounded like she had been sick again then it went quite so i was worried she might of chocked on her own vomit or something so i crept into her room to check on her.
she hadnt been sick and was just creeping back when dh started to shout in a whisper what are you doing get back here.
which did stir dd up more.
then i got the blame for disturbing her.
i explined i thought he might of choked on her own vomit, dh starts huffing and puffing and pulling off the bed covers.
making loads of noise.
saying oh i hope you get to enjoy your lie in tomorrow.
as it happens dd woke up and started crying as soon as the alarm went off anyway.

he he seems like a total twat and selfish idiot to me.
do you thinnk i'm right?

Oh my god!! These are things that I thought many a time with my ex.. Though I never dared say it, yet alone by text it!!!
Has he replied?

thanks hg.

at least he knows what i think now.

not yet missyk

you shouldn't have texted that, it just inflames it.

Of course he's being an idiot but it takes both of you to fight.

OMG - how would you feel if you got that text!

Is this how you usually communicate when you have talked about it before?

i know but ive already tried everything else.

i do realise talking about it is the best course of action, but its not working.

Well good luck!!! I'll be keeping an eye on this thread!
You don't actually want to go it alone though do you waterdrop?

pretty hacked off i guess

How is you being hacked off and taking it out on him in a text different than him being hacked off yesterday and coming home and being grumpy and taking it out on you.???

How did you both get to the stage where it's ok to constantly take out your pissed-offedness on each other?

missy k, thinking about it seriously.

lfc suppose we got there after i got sick of being a doormat trying to talk it out realise its not working then doing it back.

I understand that and appreciate your frustration. How about different tactics? When I am pissed of with dh if I can get myself into the right frame of mind I instead say "sounds like you have had a bad day, shall I make you a drink". Usually this takes his defensivess down a notch, enough for him to recognise that I am there and doing something for him/trying to engage with him.

You are stuck in a shitty cycle. The choices you have may be the following:

1. leave cos it's not the kind of relationship you want for you
2. fighting (some people can enjoy fighting - it fuels their passion for life, some people get stuck there because they are used to it - I get stuck there myself some days)
3. breaking that cycle, changing your own behaviour so that it is not what he expects

well ive don teh whole oh sounds like youve had a bad day stuff doesn't work, he just get more self involved.

fight don't enjoy that

talking tried that so many times.

guess if we really can't sort things out theres only one option left.
i am not going to raise dd in an unhappy fighting argueing home

Aw Waterdrop... You sound like you really need some support. I assume this isn't the only issue with your dh..
I can understand how you have ended up at this point, my exh wouldn't care what I had to say, after 6 months or so of me trying to talk to him & trying to get help from relate & army welfare (he run the gym, didn't do tours etc so wasn't a hard life, so he had no reason to be like he was) I decided I couldn't take anymore.
I packed a bag, called a taxi & headed for the airport. I am not saying it is the right thing for you, only you know how you feel.
I knew I couldn't do it anymore, & sadly it turns out that I was right.. That was 3 years ago now, & he has only seen his son 3 times & not tried to make contact in over 18 months now!
I would say it was hard initially, but it truely wasn't, I was already basically doing it alone.
My ds is now in preschool & I work self employed, hours to suit me..

missyk the idea of packing a bag and heading to the airport sounds so appealing to me.
where did you go.

tbh i feel like it would be easier alone at times.

We were living in Dorset with the army so I headed for bristol & got a flight to the Isle OF Man & turned up on my parents doorstep! I knew they had room & would understand as I'd been on the phone to mum most days for weeks crying. I hadn't told them I was coming as I honestly didn't know it myself until the very moment.

I got myself some evening work once ds was in bed initially to get some money, then I rented a house & registered as a childminder. I could look after my ds (13 months) & he had someone to play with, it worked out great for me, I was so much happier and therefor so was ds.

Within 2 months of leaving we were totally settled. I am glad that I left when I did, my ds was still small enough to not really know what was going on..

It needs to be something that is right for you and your dd & shouldn't be rushed into, it's the biggest decision you'll have to make for a long time. Would you have anywhere you could go?

well i could turn up on my parents doorstep too i guess.

good point about your ds being small enough to not really know what was going on.
must be much harder to do when they are older.

do you still cm now?

Now I have qualified as a nail technician & can earn a decent living doing that hours to suit, but yes I have kept up being registered and I do emergency childminding (I cover when a friend of mine is sick or on holiday & I also get children reffered by ss for various reasons, sick parent etc, ss pay for these placements). All in all it works out pretty well for me.

missyk wow sounds like you've got think well and truely sorted.
how fantastic you can help ss out too.
that is great, what an inspiration.

the hedge witch. your right its about one upmanship.
why do they do this ???

Lol, thanks

I guess what I want to say is that you do have options & should never feel like you're stuck with no way out.
Ony you can decide if you can keep on fighting for the relationship or if it's gone past that..
You never know your dh may come home & suddenly get his arse into gear and stop being so self involved!!
You need to do whatever is going to make you happy, and obviously your dd, I saw someone said your dd only has one chance of having a family, personally I dont think that's true, I know many children who have a better relationship with their parents now they have separater. (Unfortunately not my ds though )
Either way, don't do anything in haste

xx

God I should pay more attention when I am typing

thanks i think your right.
i won't do anything in haste, at least he knows im pissed off.