to think my dh is big a selfish twat, i am sick of him saying "i've been at work allday"

[waterdrop]

so fucking what i've been looking after the baby allday.

he is always doing it.

yesterday, didn't realise it at the time but dd 16 months was poorly, i just thought she was being a typical 16month old starting to assert her own mind.
so it was afairly tough day with her.

i had loads of errands to run [going to the bank etc]and we only have one car so i had to pick h up from work.
got home i fed the baby he started on tea.
when i finished feediing the baby i started helping him.
unloading the dishwasher.

dd was stressy and grissling in her highchair and h was stressing saying just give her a biscuit to shut her up.
so i said im just getting her some bread.
then he stormed over to the fridge slamming doors etc and got a biscuit out when i already got dd some bread.
then he was moaning about dd grisling saying oh ive been at work all day.
then poor old dd was sick everywhere.
he goes to the downstairs loo to get a tiny bit of tissue to clear it up.

then starts moaning oh this means no sleep tonight then,no real concern for dd just himself nd his sleep. dd is 16 months old and you can count on your hands the amount of sleepless nights she has had since shes been born, which i don't thinnk is too bad.
again h just being selfish that dds being ill is going to effect his sleep.

then after she goes to bed, shes crying crying crying so we bring her down after quite a while and shes sick everywhere again.
eventually we have to put her to bed as its so late, poor little thing was crying so much, she was coughing alot and at one point i thought it sounded like she had been sick again then it went quite so i was worried she might of chocked on her own vomit or something so i crept into her room to check on her.
she hadnt been sick and was just creeping back when dh started to shout in a whisper what are you doing get back here.
which did stir dd up more.
then i got the blame for disturbing her.
i explined i thought he might of choked on her own vomit, dh starts huffing and puffing and pulling off the bed covers.
making loads of noise.
saying oh i hope you get to enjoy your lie in tomorrow.
as it happens dd woke up and started crying as soon as the alarm went off anyway.

he he seems like a total twat and selfish idiot to me.
do you thinnk i'm right?

I know what you mean. Dh says to me, 'I leave the house at 7am!'. And what do you think I do? Lie in bed and watch bloody GMTV? No, I get dd dressed, give her breakfast, try and get dressed myself with her hanging off me, and then go and do a full day's work myself!!!

And on the one day a week I don't work, oh yes, dh we just lounge around drinking coffee together and watching TV. Not.

Has he ever had the baby for a day? All by himself? Can you arrange for him to have that experience?

Have you talked to him about this?

It sounds to me as if there is zero communication going on about things. This is the hardest it gets in a relationship - the baby/early years. If you can get through this you can last IMO. But it needs

Communication
and Valuing what the other person does

I think you need to get your baby looked after for an evening when she's better (hope she's ok today poor thing) and really really talk to him. You're clearly both not valuing one tiny bit what the other person is doing, and it will take one of you to start this conversation. It's harder than telling him to F off but your DD needs her family together so it's worth it IMO.

but is looking after 1 baby really that hard?? Granted diferent when they are ill but not difficult....its the adjustment to parenting thats hard I think - but thats something both of you will be dealing with.

I think the same as Katisha. In the morning get up and leave the house the same time he does during the week and come back the same time. When you come home see how much he has done. And leave a list of things to be done.

hg thats the problem i have talked to him about it loads of time now.
gets nowhere.

i guess i get lots done in the week so theres no so much to do at weekends so maybe he doesnt see what i do.
but why should i have to justify it to him.

right what would you txt him

what about 'have a nice day'

you dont want to get into arguments via txt msg - totally pointless imvho. Its an argument that neither ofyou will win and will go away itself as time goes on

yep agree with connie, forget the texting unless it's to say something nice. It's not a good way to communicate! IMO if you really want the relationship then it will be up to you to show him that you need to value each other. You need to thank each other for what you do - tell him how brilliant it is that he comes in and gets on with the dinner. Alot of this might seem over the top, I mean as a family man it's part of the deal BUT how nice would it be if he said to you "You are such a brilliant mum, it must have been hard going today with a sick baby"?...........

It's just I think you need a completely different way of relating to each other about daily life - life's a grind but it's so, so much easier if someone is patting you on the back for doing it.

If this were me I would try this approach and try to turn things round that way

hg ive tried that so many times.
now im just sick of him.

"like the 1st thing he could say after we realised dd was ill, was oh no sleep tonight then."

Well I confess as a WOHM that would have been one of my first thoughts. It's hell getting up for work, trying to look like a human being and then concentrate for 8 hrs when your head is all over the place and you just want to close your eyes and sleeeeeppp. Times that by 100 if he has a very stressful highpowered job (I don't really).

However I see he isn't being helpful or constructive. Could you try and have a chat and explain how he is making you feel?

Ah well if you're made it clear to him I don't know what to suggest. What does he say when you tell him?

he just sort of goes yeah yeah then 2 days later is back to his selfish ways.

he also shoutsand raises his voice in front of dd when we argue, which i think is unfair as it scares dd

well i have just texted him.

what did you say waterdrop????

you know what.. when an employer wants to sack someone they have to go through a strict legal process unless the person has done something that is gross misconduct. So I would suggest, just as an amployer would, you need to sit down and talk over what he expects parenthood to be like and how he can change his behaviour to do a better job of it.

Sacking him straight away without any official warnings would be silly

ps... doing the 'sacking' or teh talking by Text is certainly a BAD idea.

too late... ah well.

too late... ah well.

lol benieb

well kinda what i said earlier. but not the part about your bags on the doorstep
hang on ill get my phon n tell you exactly what i put......

I think this seems to be more about your resentment than him being an arse.

I'm a SAHM and DS2 was sick everywhere last night, one of my first thoughts was 'Oh great, we're going to be up all bloody night then'.

Also, I think it's a lot harder to appreciate what someone is doing when they don't appreciate what you are doing. It doesn't sound like you appreciate his role at all, nor he yours, so the resentment is seething and will just get worse.

I used to be a SAHM until 7 months ago. I now work full time as a lawyer and I have say it is so much easier than being at home. Previously as a really desperate housewife, by 7pm I was knackered and fed up. Now, having left house at 7am and returned at 6pm, I have so much more energy. This is not to run down SAHM - but to reinforce that it is bloody hard work.

My exH used to be like this if the DCs were ill - it was all about how it would affect him and rarely showed concern for the DCs.

He used to make out I was being hysterical when they had breathing problems - actually these were quite serious.

He has now gone on to have two more DCs and described one of them the other day (he's abt 8 weeks old) as 'difficult'.

I said 'he's not difficult he's a baby, FFS'

Unfortunately Waterdrop some men find the adjustment to parenthood really hard and am not sure if some ever get it!! But imo nothing is more likely to turn the mother against a DP/DH who behaves like this.

You have a helpless child and then a grown man acting like one!! I don't know what the answer is tbh

What happened?

You should show him this thread. I am a mum who works FT, but I've done two maternity leaves, second time round with a new born and a 2.6 year old. My husband was then working FT. I was always going to go back to work FT because I am the bigger earner. I'm in the kind of high pressure job that earns in the region of 80K. I'm telling you this so you can really ram home the following point.

My DH lost his job and is at the moment at SAHD with a 3 and 1 year old. And categorically I know that despite all the stresses and strains of my work, his job is HARDER. So when I come through the door at 7pm, no matter how knackered I am, I tell him to go into the lounge, make himself a cup of tea, put his feet up whilst I do bathtime and get both kids to bed. I emerge and hour later - he's normally chilled out enough to have got the dinner on which is nice because I'm a bit frazzled and in need of a sit down by then.

I'm at home today unwell. DH has just taken two whiney screaming kids with snotty noses and one teething off the the library because to stay in with them would drive a saint to dastardly deeds. This is what men who haven't stayed at home with kids for any proper length of time do not appreciate. It's the mental strain as much as the physical. And the complete lack of escape. Just remind your DH that next time he has a shitty meeting, or a tough call to make, he can always take five to make a cup of coffee, or pop into a colleagues office to let off steam about it. SAH parents just don't have this luxury, and that is why your DH is completely unreasonble.

heres the txt.

i know its a bit harsh etc but ive tried to talk to him millions of times already.

"thanks 4 asking how ur daughter is, we need to have a serious chat about your behaviour.looking after 1 sick baby is enough, when x was grisaling in her highchair you started with your usual ive been 2 work. can't you cope with a bit of grisaling? well ive been looking after x.
you work in a office for fucks sake get a grip.
as soon as u realised x was ill all you thought about was yourself not x v selfish.

"no sleep tonight" even though you have only had a handful of broken nights.
as for saying hope you get a good lie in, and constantly huffing and puffing nd pulling the covers off me. its pathetic.
i told you i checked on x as i thought she might of choked on her own vomit.
if you insist on comparing everything all the time, even after we have spoke many times about u doing this, hope you had some nice peace on the train, read the paper enjoyed your coffee, n looking round the shops at lunchtime.
ur attitude sucks
sometimes id rather do this alone as at least i wouldn't have to put up with your whingeing.

well you've said your peice!

I bet you feel better for getting that off your chest?!

I agree he deserves a sharp dose of reality for his attitude BUT the situation won't improve unless you can be positive along with your (understandable) anger. If you want to turn the situation round you will still need IMO to value what he does...after a text like that you need a positive direction to go in, otherwise that's going to be the beginning of the end.

As I said before your dd only gets one chance to have her family together. And it doesn't get harder than now; it will get easier and the broken nights and crying/grizzling will end.