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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sorry for these two girls....

38 replies

SammyK · 17/09/2008 13:37

Have new neighbours, all very nice, all very, very overweight.

They have two primary school aged daughters who are both very big and I feel so sad for them.

I am not judgy about weight issues, but in this case these two girls are clearly overweight due to their family/home lifestyle and are too young to make changes themselves.

OP posts:
MamaG · 17/09/2008 13:40

No, it is sad to see really fat kids. Unless there is a good meidcal reason that yuo don't know about?

tamarto · 17/09/2008 13:40

YABU are they unhappy?

Why is it clearly due to their lifestyle? Why could it not be something hereditary?

For someone who isn't judgy about weight issues you're doing a good job just now.

beanieb · 17/09/2008 13:42

YANBU to feel sorry about the danger to their health at all. Nothing you can do though sadly.

cafebistro · 17/09/2008 13:43

i was in McDonalds recently ( yes i know!) and saw a mother with her 2 children who were very overweight,i would say obese.She was buying them burgers and milkshakes etc and I thought....why?? Why would you let your kids eat stuff like that when they so obviously had a weight problem?

compo · 17/09/2008 13:44

cafebistro - maybe it was for a birthday, maybe it was the first time this year they had been to MacDonalds? you can't judge because you don't know the facts....

nametaken · 17/09/2008 13:45

YANBU - it is sad for children because it really isn't their fault.

cafebistro · 17/09/2008 13:47

Compo...its hard not to judge when you think of how its going to effect their health. Im not talking about 'chubby' kids...they were very overweight.

Boyswillbeboys · 17/09/2008 13:47

Ok, it's bad to generalise but Sammy YANBU. Most people who are fat eat too much and don't do enough exercise. It's one thing to be overweight, but if you let your children become overweight too you are setting them up with problems for life.

Carmenere · 17/09/2008 13:48

Look the truth is that unless there are (very rare) health issues children cannot get over weight without their parents help. they don't have buying power. The only way they can access crap foods is through their parents.
This doesn't mean that their parents don't love them, it means that they are uneducated in basics like cooking and nutrition.

there was a piece on the news recently about a fat camp for kids but I think that is useless as, whilst it is great to retrain kids about what to eat, there is no point unless you retrain the parents.

I am not talking about chubby kids btw, just massively obese ones.

hecate · 17/09/2008 13:49

no, it's sad because it does cause problems for them. Young children now have diabetes, heart trouble joint problems...all due to obesity. These problems will be life long (for however long that life is). Yet, when you say anything, the immediate response is WHAT ABOUT THOSE KIDS WHO ARE FAT BECAUSE OF X, Y, Z medical problem. Which is not the issue at all. Because it's not about disliking the child, or thinking badly of the child! It's about recognising that obesity causes terrible problems. Now, if the child is one of the - statistically VERY few - who is obese due to a medical condition, then that is very sad, but that should not be used to argue that nobody should think that obese children are going to have problems, or want parents to do something to help there obese child - if it is a diet and exercise issue.

hecate · 17/09/2008 13:50

'there' ?? their

OrmIrian · 17/09/2008 13:50

I feel like that most days when I walk into the playground TBH. And often the parents are big too. Genetic predisposition? Usually a genetic predisposition to eat too much and take too little exercise .

However judging silently and feeling sorry for them is one thing, saying anything is quite another.

Original poster
SammyK · 17/09/2008 13:51

Tamarto - I am not offended by your answer as I know I do sound judgy, and I feel bad about it! I am honestly not judging them, there cold be many reasons, but none of them are in the control of a (approx) 6 or 8 year old.

Surely not being able to walk at a brisk pace (never mind run), would make them feel sad / embarassed?

I think mum and dad and both daughters, all having something medically wrong to make them so overweight is highly unlikely.

OP posts:
Original poster
SammyK · 17/09/2008 13:52

I wouldn't say anything in RL, outloud to anyone, even my DP.

Carmenere kind of sumed up my opinions on the subject.

OP posts:
Carmenere · 17/09/2008 13:52

Absolutely agree Hecate. We all want the best for our dc's and if the parents of very overweight kids don't realise the problems that their children face, they need educating about it. Ignorance is the biggest issue here.

pagwatch · 17/09/2008 13:57

The one time I felt deeply sad for two little girls was when they came and sat at a table next to us in the cafe on holiday. They were probably 10 and 12 and they were very overweight.
As they sat down youngest one said
"dad could we have a go at golf or tennis maybe, there are other kids doing it?"
Dad said. "no darling I am too tired , we don't really like things like that. Lets just have a meal in peace shall we"

DS1 had his clubs and leant across and asked youngest girl if she wanted a go which was well sweet. But her dad tutted at her and she said no.

I thought that was really really grim tbh

frankbestfriend · 17/09/2008 13:58

YANBU

Tomarto, although they may be happy now, as they become overweight teenagers it is likely to become more of an issue, with regard to both their health and negative body image affecting their self esteem.

And the probability is that they will stay overweight, and are far more likely to become obese adults.

Compo- yes it may have been a birthday treat, but surely the likelihood is that they were obese due to their terrible diet.
Sorry, but the huge majority of obesity cases is related to poor diet, medical issues which can lead to weight problems are quite rare.

Again, I am not talking about chubbiness, the op says these children were obese.

frankbestfriend · 17/09/2008 14:00

are related

sclubheaven · 17/09/2008 14:02

The sad thing also is that children arent necessarily being fed 'crap' food. Sometimes parents are just giving their children too much food.

I help out in a pre-school sometimes and there is a little girl who is clearly overweight.

For her lunch the other day she had round of cheese sandwiches with carrot sticks and cucumber. Fine and healthy.

To go with the lunch she had:
A second round of jam sandwiches for afters.
A yogurt
A twix
A packet of crisps.

She is only 4. That is more than enough food for hungry adult. It was a fairly balanced meal but if she eats this volume of food at each meal it's not surprising that she is overweight so young.

Idobelieveinfairies · 17/09/2008 14:08

Some children do have very very big appetites though......my children are very much like this-they would eat all day if they were allowed.

It's giving them the right foods that count.

Bumblelion · 17/09/2008 14:09

Sometimes it is to do with genetics.

Will probably get berated over this but my DD1 is nearly 16, has a fantastic figure and is 'normal' size (Top Shop size 8/10).

My DS1 is nearly 12 and is very 'small' for his age. Has a six pack (not from working out, but does lots of exercise) and is very slight.

My DD2 is nearly 7 and has an overgrowth condition (Sotos Syndrome) - very tall for her age, 'solid' built but not fat, delayed development.

Looking at my husband (the children's dad, we are no longer together) and me, I would say that my elder 2 children look like they are our children, average (may be a bit smaller) size, average height (may be a bit smaller) but my youngest is tall for her age.

People look at her and think she may be over-fed but she is the healthiest-eating of my 3 and is just 'big'.

On holiday this summer I had a lovely photo taken of my DS1 and DD2 (aged 11 and 6) and their height difference is about 2 inches and they are exactly the same shoe size (my son is a 3F in Clarkes and my DD is a size 3G in Clarkes) and she is 4 years, 4 months younger.

Saying that, if all my children were over-weight (and me and their dad were as well), then understandable but please do not judge my DD just because of her genetic condition.

Carmenere · 17/09/2008 14:20

Oh Bumbelion, no one here would judge your child, in fact I think that the point of this thread is that obese children are in no way responsible for their size, whether it be from overeating/underexercising or a medical condition.

sclubheaven · 17/09/2008 14:21

I do agree that some kids have big appetites. But I think, in some cases, if all you've ever known is large portions of food, then your appetite will be large because you've learned to expect a lot of food.

My brother has 2 daughters who are overweight (ages 9 and 6). From the time they were both toddlers he fed them balanced meals but in adult sizes. They were never forced to clear their plates or anything, but they came to see the amount of food they were given as a 'normal' amount. So now they will eat meals with food piled high, and go for second helpings.

He doesn't feed them excessive amounts of junk food, but they do eat too much because that's what they've learned.

Idobelieveinfairies · 17/09/2008 14:31

i have the opposite concern-my boys eat and eat and eat...i am soooooo lucky as they loovveee fruit,salads etc......but they don't grow very much and are very small for their ages. I am 5'6 and dp is 6'3....and they are all the smallest in their classes.

They constantly eat...i just don't know what happens to the food..lol

a few years ago there was a girl in ds's class who was big. Her mum kept telling everyone that she was sending her for tests. But personally i don't think her having a king size mars bar ready for her the minute she stept outside of class was helping her!

cory · 17/09/2008 14:32

Could those saying 'don't judge' please note that the OP's question was would it be unreasonable to feel sad for the overweight girls. Not judge them, not be nasty for them, but feel sad for them. What's wrong with feeling sad for somebody with a genetic condition that makes them overweight? They are still going to find it harder to do things and their health is still going to be affected. Problems you can't help don't automatically stop being problems.

My dd has a genetic condition which means that she cannot have what most people call a healthy lifestyle for a child. Anyone who wants to feel sad- feel free.

But if you catch me treating her problem in a way that is likely to exacerbate it- then you may also feel free to judge. But -pianissimo... I have excellent hearing

Incidentally, I think you can get overweight by eating good food, but too much of it. My brother never learnt to curb his appetite, he just felt he had to go on eating until he couldn't squeeze any more down, and he's had weight problems since his early teens, despite a good diet. He just doesn't know when to stop, and will happily sit down to a second meal if invited after he's had his first.