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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to host christmas this year with a 17month old and a 4 week newborn?

93 replies

cougar72 · 14/09/2008 10:44

My dh just won't take no for an answer. I have told him that in all likelihood I will be a sleep deprived, hormonal witch who needs my own space and probably will not want 5 of his relatives, including the inlaws, to come to stay with us over christmas. He just keeps saying "it will be fine, plenty of people to help look after the kids and give you a break". I'm sure I will just want my own space, and am certainly not going to lift a finger. To be fair he has said he will do everything but his attention to detail can be crap at times and I know I'll end up doing it myself. What annoys me most is he hasn't once mentioned my family in any of this. For the last 10 years we have had christmas with his family, simply because they live 2 hours away, whereas mine live 7 hours away. He just assumes that we will be spending christmas with his parents. I know I have probably made a rod for my own back by agreeing to it every year but now we have kids it's different. To be quite honest I just want a quiet christmas with just me, dh, dd1 and the new baby, but I'm sure he will make me feel guilty about it. AIBU?

OP posts:
Guadalupe · 14/09/2008 10:45

Just say no.

Guadalupe · 14/09/2008 10:46

Tell him you don't mind compromising and seeing his family and you're happy to go there for lunch? Or if not, just say please can we be on our own this year.

NumberFour · 14/09/2008 10:48

yanbu. you will land up doing all the work if you have everyone over, and you will be resentful, tired, upset etc etc etc.

i second Guadalupe's advice: just say no. you husband will get over it eventually.

NumberFour · 14/09/2008 10:48

And good luck. hope it gets sorted

Majeika · 14/09/2008 10:49

Say No - now we have our own family I would like to start some of our own family traditions

such as new pyjamas on Xmas Eve, Xmas DVD, etc

Have a quiet day on Xmas Day and go to his parents on Boxing Day.

Buy everything from M&S and have a lovely time,

BE STRONG.

Cappuccino · 14/09/2008 10:49

"he has said he will do everything but his attention to detail can be crap at times and I know I'll end up doing it myself."

well it's time to let that go for a start

redoing things because they're not done your way will come back to bite you in the arse in years to come

Shitemum · 14/09/2008 10:50

Delegate everything to his family, they should bring and prepare all the food and clean and wash up after and take it in shifts with toddler. Be firm.

anyway - god forbid but anything could happen, you might have a really hard birth or something and have to call it all off - so better if they have it all planned then they can just change venue to theirs if need be.

ipanemagirl · 14/09/2008 10:54

YANBU

NO
NO
NO
NO
NO
NO
NO

I'd rather drown in my own vomit than do what he's proposing. You cannot have that many people in your home and feel relaxed......

Ohforfoxsake · 14/09/2008 11:07

He is quite, quite barking mad.

As you, me, and everyone else on here knows, all the rellies (and him) will get pissed and you will end up in the bedroom crying.

Unless you have a c-section booked in, what if the baby is late? What if you end up with a hospital stay? There is no way you should be planning this.

I would go to his family again, and have someone else do all the hard work, or keep it really really simple at home (if you have any expections they will go to pot). And next year start your own traditions (by not going )

Good luck. Put your foot down.

FairLadyRantALot · 14/09/2008 11:08

YANBU...think it is a terrible plan so close to the Birth....what if Baby is later then expected....might only be 2 weeks after Birth than? Or what if you need a C-section...you jsut never know....do you!
I would be very firm....yes, maybe agree to go and see his family, but not have them wiht you...no way...
it's stress you don't need....afterall, it is not just the actual day but all the preparations, like cleaning the whole house, and stuff like that...
YOu will be tired, especially with a 17 month old to look after aswell as a newborn

Sexonlegs · 14/09/2008 11:13

YANBU at all.

I think you need to be firm, and say no.
I don't much like my parents in law coming round at the best of times

You need your own space, and whilst of course it is "helpful" for someone else to hold your new baby, it should be you holding your bundle of joy and everyone else doing the "dirty work" as it were.

Men do not think - makes me bloody mad!

Hope everything goes well for you.

Tinkerisdead · 14/09/2008 11:13

I agree with fairlady, im due to have mine in mid Nov and my family assumed i'd be coming to them "as you wont want to do xmas". Too right i dont and i dont wanna travel 1.5 hours either with what could be a 5 week old- 2 week old!! ive said, if you want xmas with us, you come to us, you bring the food and you cook it. because as far as im concerned i would be getting a ready meal with Dh and not even giving it a second thought.

If it was my inlaws, i'd say no. I'd be having my M&S ready meal and people are welcome to pop in for cup of tea as appreciate they want to see the baby on xmas day but we are not doing full festivities! YANBU!

strawberrycornetto · 14/09/2008 11:38

YANBU. My DD was 6 weeks at Xmas. My parents suggested they come to us and as DH is really good at cooking etc I agreed. It was a mistake. I vividly remember sobbing hysterically because my second pudding hadn't worked. DD cried all through Xmas lunch so I was on my own upstairs with her while everyone else sat down to a feast which DH cooked, trashing my kitchen in the process. It was definitely stressful and I really love my family. Doing it with in laws would have been unbearable.

Last Xmas I was 7 months pregnant. DH invited all his family (20 people including us). DD was sick, and I literally didn't sit down and relax for 3 days.

Go with the ready meal idea, or you will regret it! But tell your DH now, I tried to get out of last xmas but left it too late to cancel and just made DH angry.

imananny · 14/09/2008 11:44

what do YOU want to do?

spend a quiet family christmas at home or go out to in laws or visit your family?

Any of the above are fine,no 4 which your stupid thoughless hubby suggested is a def no

tell him firmly what YOU want and stick to it

pointydog · 14/09/2008 11:51

yanbu. I regret not being stronger the Christmas I had a 2 yr old and 6 wk old. It was shite. Tell them all you want a quiet Christmas at home. Be firm. Look how many of us have been cajoled into this and how unpleasant it was.

TheHedgeWitch · 14/09/2008 11:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

expatinscotland · 14/09/2008 12:34

i would tell his relatives yourself that you will not be hosting Xmas at yours this year, rather than leaving it to him because he won't do it.

DD2 was born 10 december and my parents arrived 10 days later, BUT we both knew they'd be doing everything.

they hired a car to drive around themselves, stopped in Sainsbury's on the way back from the airport to buy food, wine and beer, cooked, cleaned AND looked after DD1 whilst i bf'd DD2 and laid around.

my IL's, however, are old for their years, don't want to play with the children and expect to be waited on for cups of tea and snack whenever they come, so they will staying in a lodge when they visit to see DS, because we won't be up to playing host with a newborn, a 2-year-old and a 5-year-old with SN who isn't in school yet.

MrsMattie · 14/09/2008 12:42

YANBU. I'll have a 3 yr old and a 4 week old this Xmas. We're going out for lunch - to a nice, cosy, child-friendly pub we have been to before. No cooking, no washing up, no visitors other than my dad, who comes every year and is the best house guest (quiet, laidback, genuinely helpful).I can't imagine anything worse than a house full of guests.

expatinscotland · 14/09/2008 12:44

seriously, tell them yourself, NOW. 'i'm so sorry, but we won't be hosting Xmas at ours this year.'

DON'T even tell them it's because of the new baby because then they might make the excuse that they'll help.

just 'sorry, we won't be hosting Xmas this year'.

LazyLinePainterJane · 14/09/2008 12:49

I am in the same boat as expat (due november, helpful family, in-laws that expect to be waited on) and I agree.

Though I would say that the issue expands to more than this year. You need to put your foot down now otherwise in 10 years time, you will be doomed to forever spend every single year with them.

Call them yourself, say that you are sure that they understand, you will be having a quiet christmas at home just the few of you, maybe you will see them in the new year sometime.

Dropdeadfred · 14/09/2008 13:15

Agree with Expat - phone his parents and start the conversation with 'obviously with a 4 week old we won't be hosting christmas this year....'

How often do you see your family?

onepieceoflollipop · 14/09/2008 13:20

YANBU. We had a 3 year old and a 4 month old baby last year. We tried to do a compromise with dh's parents (who are unpleasant and loons which is a bad combination ime)

We truthfully said that we weren't doing lunch but that they were welcome for tea and cake later on. They arrived in foul moods - mil especially. Face like an ugly cat's bum (apologies to any cats reading this). Refused cake etc. Refused to hold baby in case she was sick down mil's new blouse. So if you do suggest a compromise, make sure all is clear with all concerned.

Weeks after made out that they were massively offended by us as we had invited them for a sit down meal - and not bothered to provide one. I am still when I think about it.

tegan · 14/09/2008 13:28

Cougar i am in the same boat as you as due nov 23rd so to will have a month old baby and a 10 and 4 yr olds, so i have told mil that we will be there for dinner and at my mum's for tea so a stress free xmas for me.

TheCrackFox · 14/09/2008 16:01

YANBU and I agree with Expat. Phone your inlaws yourself because your DH will forget to tell them.

If you are breastfeeding then you will more than likely end up in your bedroom half of the day. I know I sound weird but there was no way that I could have BF infront of FIL.

ipanemagirl · 14/09/2008 16:09

I think it's mental cruelty to even have to THINK about this terrible dilemma.

I wish you whatever you need to put your foot down on this, if necessary on top of you 'd' h's head!!!!!!

NO NO NO NO

How can anyone even think of coming at such a time?

It's my due date today and my sis just emailed me that she wants to come as soon as the baby is born, not to stay but to visit and I emailed back that I could not guarantee anything at all. I said I had no idea how the birth would go, how I would feel afterwards, how easily feeding might be established and told her I couldn't make any promises. Luckily she was fine about it......

please say no!! whatever it takes, even a furious dh would be worth not having to go through it!