Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to host christmas this year with a 17month old and a 4 week newborn?

93 replies

cougar72 · 14/09/2008 10:44

My dh just won't take no for an answer. I have told him that in all likelihood I will be a sleep deprived, hormonal witch who needs my own space and probably will not want 5 of his relatives, including the inlaws, to come to stay with us over christmas. He just keeps saying "it will be fine, plenty of people to help look after the kids and give you a break". I'm sure I will just want my own space, and am certainly not going to lift a finger. To be fair he has said he will do everything but his attention to detail can be crap at times and I know I'll end up doing it myself. What annoys me most is he hasn't once mentioned my family in any of this. For the last 10 years we have had christmas with his family, simply because they live 2 hours away, whereas mine live 7 hours away. He just assumes that we will be spending christmas with his parents. I know I have probably made a rod for my own back by agreeing to it every year but now we have kids it's different. To be quite honest I just want a quiet christmas with just me, dh, dd1 and the new baby, but I'm sure he will make me feel guilty about it. AIBU?

OP posts:
Troutpout · 14/09/2008 16:12

Oh gosh No
Yanbu

PuppyMonkey · 14/09/2008 16:16

No yanbu. And I'm surprised his relatives haven't already thought how unreasonable it will be themselves ... are some people a bit dense?

DoubleBluff · 14/09/2008 16:24

agree with puupymonkey. Most reasonably intelligent people would think to themselves that they couldn't possibly stay with you if you had just had a baby.

cornsilk · 14/09/2008 16:27

sAY NO! What if the baby is late? Can't believe his family would even consider it.

PinkyDinkyDooToo · 14/09/2008 16:32

Agree with comments by Expat and LazyLinePainter. As Lazy says if you don't put your foot down now you will spend every Christmas with them. I insisted we had a christmas to ourselves one year. DH was fine about it. My MUm was not impressed but it was necessary to make it clear to her that it was not set in stone that we would automatically see her every Christmas Day.
Your DH is being totally unreasonable to even ask. He must know what it is like with a newborn around.
Also agree with whoever said that if bf'ing then you will spend all day in your bedroom. Not fun for you.

oeufflorentine · 14/09/2008 16:43

Even if your nb arrives on time or a bit early, you will effectively have TWO babies to look after. 17/18months is very little indeed.

Not to mention the all consuming nature of newborns - even if the birth goes well and you and baby are healthy, you will be EXHAUSTED. Yes you might get through with a lot of help but it will be mega stressful, a huge invasion of your space, and totally unrelaxing. Afterwards it will take a toll on you at a time when you need to be adjusting to becoming a family of 4, building up your strength, getting into a routine with the children etc.

please print this off and show your dh.

My 1st 2 children were 21m apart, so a bit of a bigger gap. second pregnancy went really well, but the birth was very fast and i tore badly, losing a lot of blood. I'm naturally fairly energetic and fit, but this knocked me for six, and it took a while for my iron levels and general strength to return to normal. After six weeks I was getting it together, but certainly wouldn't have contemplated hosting Christmas !

YeahBut · 14/09/2008 16:47

YANBU.
Don't do it. Recipe for utter disaster.
Just Say No!

nametaken · 14/09/2008 17:12

Say no and mean it.

oeufflorentine · 14/09/2008 17:18

Ring them NOW and tell them. maybe sweeten it up if you want by hosting a relaxed but lavish lunch at yours soon. easy to prepare dishes, or buy stuff in etc.

belgo · 14/09/2008 17:25

Phone them up and tell them yourself that you want a quite Christmas. Don't rely on your dh to do it, and don't beg him to do it, make the decision yourself. In all liklihood they'll understand.

VersdeSociete · 14/09/2008 17:32

And if they don't understand, what kind of horrors are they? What goes on in men's heads, I do wonder...

lilysmummy2007 · 14/09/2008 17:37

last year i refused to host the usual christmas and boxing day do as i had an 8 month old teething baby and just couldnt be arsed bothered, and will not be hosting anymore, i have a small flat and they all have nice big houses, and few of them are just couples, and i end up doing everything and running after their kids to stop them destroying the flat while they swoon about all nicely dressed drinking and eating while im sweaty and stinky in the kitchen still in my dingy janes and tshirt , just say NO. and YANBU.

Flibbertyjibbet · 14/09/2008 17:41

When ds1 was due 5th december, I announced in the summer to both sets of parents that we would not be going anywhere for xmas but if anyone wanted to turn up with a turkey dinner and trimmings then take the washing up home with them, they were very welcome to come for a couple of hours.
As it turned out he arrived on 18th Dec, we were in hosp till New years eve. At 11am on Christmas day the consultant said baby and I could go home for our xmas dinner as we were only 4 miles from the hosp.
My mum just packed up everything that she was cooking at her house, and by the time dp brough us home our dinner was on the table. Her and dad did the washing up then went home in time to give me and dp and baby an hour at home on our own before I had to take him back to hosp.
So it never works out how you planned. Just say that xmas is cancelled this year and that you will be happy to resume normal fesivities in December 09.
Then next year go and have a lovely christmas with your own mum and dad.

expatinscotland · 14/09/2008 17:45

'Just say that xmas is cancelled this year and that you will be happy to resume normal fesivities in December 09.'

I wouldn't mention next year at all, especially as hte OP's expressed a desire to not host it again at all.

Keep it simple, DON'T* feel guilty - nothing to feel guilty about!, and make no plans for the future or suggest any compromises - that's their lookout.

Just 'Sorry, we're not hosting Xmas this year. New baby and all.' Polite but firm.

Cammelia · 14/09/2008 21:55

You must stand up to your dh on this. Remind him that as it you who will be exhausted from 9 months pg, giving birth and weeks of sleepless nights, it is you who will make the decision.

And the decision is NO.

StayFrosty · 14/09/2008 23:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 14/09/2008 23:41

I mean, cougar, you poor soul, it's only September and it's already causing you stress just thinking about it.

Nip it in the bud right now by telling the ILs yourself and kick back and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.

naturalblonde · 15/09/2008 08:09

I'm kinda in the same boat, I#ll have a 2.3yo and a 3mo, and I've said absolutely no way, but dh wants his mum and bro round.

Really not keen as bro is 14 and will just wanna spend day with dh, and my mil, well, last year she was here, peeled a carrot and told everyone who'd listen how she'd done dinner.

I plan on putting my foot down, and saying we go to someone elses, or it's just the 4 of us.

BecauseImWorthIt · 15/09/2008 08:18

YANBU at all! What is your DH thinking of?

Agree with everyone else (how rare - an AIBU thread where we all agree!) that you should simply say 'no', and do it now. Tell your DH that you are going to tell his parents if he won't.

lizziemun · 15/09/2008 08:31

YANBU

I can not believe DH family haven't said that because you have a newbaby to get used to (FWIW i found it realy hard to go from 1 to 2 babies) that they will leave christmas this year.

Anyway if DH refuses to tell them that they can not come then i would do a list of everything that you he will be doing including everything from shopping to washing and cleaning and of course cooking christmas dinner and last minute christmas chopping .

Miaou · 15/09/2008 08:42

I was going to come on this thread and say YANBU but I see that 45 posts have already said exactly that - not a voice of dissent!

Othersideofthechannel · 15/09/2008 08:58

If you don't want to do it, it is not unreasonable for your wishes to come first.

But to off a whisper of dissent, with the right in-laws, it doesn't have to be a disaster.
We had 5 adult inlaws and a toddler for Christmas with a 3 week old and 21 month old and it wasn't at all stressful. But I am lucky that my inlaws make themselves at home, knew how to deal with our 21 month old and I feel comfortable letting people loose in the kitchen.

So I got to sit back and relax with my feet up and feed baby and eat lots of scrummy food.

MoChan · 15/09/2008 09:21

It's a ludicrous suggestion, and "it will be fine, plenty of people to help look after the kids and give you a break" is a ludicrous thing to say. There's a limit to how much break the mother can get from a little one at that age (esp. if breastfed and only she can feed him/her) plus, if you were anything like me, the minute anyone did relieve me of child-duties, I'd feel like I had to be off getting some mince pies and peeling potatoes. Well, perhaps you're not like me, but it's still ludicrous.

Upwind · 15/09/2008 09:42

YANBU to not want to do it but I was once in a similar position - I'd not given birth but we moved house two weeks before Christmas and I had some ongoing health problems at the time.

For some reason it was very important to my DH that we host Christmas - for 8 members of his family including two toddlers. He was so determined that in the end the compromise was that we did it, but he promised to do absolutely everything. All shopping, food preparation, clean up, everything.

On Christmas morning I tried to stay out of the kitchen because every time I went in I was biting my tounge ("shouldn't the ham be on by now", "why are the sprouts not ready to go in"). I had to ignore what I would have done and leave him to it.

Dinner was the best ever, completely plain fare but done very well. DH was delighted with himself. And once I had managed to let go and ignore his attention to detail, I realised he had done very well with minimal help from anyone.

DanJARMouse · 15/09/2008 09:46

Not unreasonable at all.

Tell him if he doesnt do the xmas you want, you will go to your parents!

I did xmas just for the family and my dad last year, DS was 4 weeks old, and I spent the whole time in tears. It was the worst xmas ever.

This year, my dad is coming over, but he is doing the food side of things, so we can just relax and enjoy it.

It is serious hard work with a new baby, and looking back, I wish I had just cancelled the whole thing!

Swipe left for the next trending thread