to not want to host christmas this year with a 17month old and a 4 week newborn?

[cougar72]

My dh just won't take no for an answer. I have told him that in all likelihood I will be a sleep deprived, hormonal witch who needs my own space and probably will not want 5 of his relatives, including the inlaws, to come to stay with us over christmas. He just keeps saying "it will be fine, plenty of people to help look after the kids and give you a break". I'm sure I will just want my own space, and am certainly not going to lift a finger. To be fair he has said he will do everything but his attention to detail can be crap at times and I know I'll end up doing it myself. What annoys me most is he hasn't once mentioned my family in any of this. For the last 10 years we have had christmas with his family, simply because they live 2 hours away, whereas mine live 7 hours away. He just assumes that we will be spending christmas with his parents. I know I have probably made a rod for my own back by agreeing to it every year but now we have kids it's different. To be quite honest I just want a quiet christmas with just me, dh, dd1 and the new baby, but I'm sure he will make me feel guilty about it. AIBU?

YANBU.

Your husband on the other hand is being VERY unreasonable. It's alright for him, he's not the one who would have just had a baby! You will be exhausted enough as it is, without the added burden of hosting Christmas. Put your foot down now and make it clear that someone can entertain you this Christmas.

I'm sorry but your other half sounds like a selfish asshole, and isn't considering how you might feel at all. You never know how you may feel after birth. What if you had PND? Hosting Xmas would be the last thing you need.

My dd is 2 and I haven't hosted xmas since I've had her! It's bad enough wrapping and buying presents and decorating the house with young children. Tell your husband straight. If it causes a row then so be it. Stand your ground now. Good luck.

We had dh's family to stay the Christmas before last when ds2 had just been born. To stay - I mean they stayed in the local Travelodge and they left at 9-9:30 each night. Dh and I would then get an hour or so peace before going to bed ourselves. They'd arrive at 9:9:30 each morning and they were still a lot of work - in terms of cleaning up and cooking / entertaining, but that hour to ourselves saved my sanity. Is there any way you can force them into a hotel/b&b with the argument that the baby and seeing to it throughout the night will disturb them too much?

The problem with that arrangement, Helly is that they turn up first thing in the morning, and leave last thing at night, still expecting all food. All you get out of is having them sleep there! That is NO compromise!

This is the kind of thread that makes me wonder why evolution just dont rid us of the male species alltogether.

Or, society should move on to women changing sexuality at the birth of babies and they should find a woman partner. That would solve it.

Sorry, I am not even remotely usefull in those comments, just making an observation.

my second is due 2 weeks before christmas and I haven't even thought about what we will be doing yet! maybe I should start...!

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I'd tell them now too, it may well cause some bad feeling, but I think you run the risk of causing much more bad feeling long term if you let them come and are resentful. I wouldn't trust myself not to completely lose it at them 4 weeks post birth. Perhaps you are calmer than me, but even so, you will be quietly fuming

Thanks everyone, and sorry for not replying sooner, but, CHRISTMAS IS OFF, YIPPEE, I TOLD HIM! There were a few other issues to sort out too, like him behaving like Kevin the Teenager whenever I asked for a back rub, and just generally being a bit more supportive. He has agreed, time will tell!!

Yay!!!!!!!!! well done you...BUT you have told him...has he told them?

cougar, that is absolutely fantastic news. I am very relieved and happy for you!

(incidentally after last year's events in our house, the ils said very stroppily they are going away this year. We know they won't but we are calling their bluff and when they ask why we haven't issued invitations etc we shall say oh-so-innocently - "oh but you are going away aren't you!" hahaha. )

Cougar I am so glad you have told him how you feel. I was in your situation 3 years ago and told my husband we should just spend it together. For the last 3 years we have been at home the 3 of us and it's been lovley.

You have to put yourselves first, kids don't want to be dragged from pillar to post at Christmas either.

Don't worry a bit about your inlaws reaction, not your problem.

I'm just a bit at the man-hating comments this has brought up. I mean, my DH would believe that in-laws help would make my life easier in this situation, but that doesn't make him an evil, useless creature. Sometimes you just have to explain VERY SLOWLY why something is a problem.

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tell him you're oing to spend xmas with YOUR family and you hope he has a good time with his family.

make sure he does it.

no need to offer an 'olive branch' or anything like as you don't feel like having them there and you have very good reason not to.

even having them over at all is going to be stressful for you as you will be trying to recover from having a baby and having a toddler.

don't see why you should apologise and feel you need to compromise on this at all, it's totally logical and any supportive partner can see this.

now, if he hasn't told them in a week i'd still tell them myself.