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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to host christmas this year with a 17month old and a 4 week newborn?

93 replies

cougar72 · 14/09/2008 10:44

My dh just won't take no for an answer. I have told him that in all likelihood I will be a sleep deprived, hormonal witch who needs my own space and probably will not want 5 of his relatives, including the inlaws, to come to stay with us over christmas. He just keeps saying "it will be fine, plenty of people to help look after the kids and give you a break". I'm sure I will just want my own space, and am certainly not going to lift a finger. To be fair he has said he will do everything but his attention to detail can be crap at times and I know I'll end up doing it myself. What annoys me most is he hasn't once mentioned my family in any of this. For the last 10 years we have had christmas with his family, simply because they live 2 hours away, whereas mine live 7 hours away. He just assumes that we will be spending christmas with his parents. I know I have probably made a rod for my own back by agreeing to it every year but now we have kids it's different. To be quite honest I just want a quiet christmas with just me, dh, dd1 and the new baby, but I'm sure he will make me feel guilty about it. AIBU?

OP posts:

Egg · 15/09/2008 09:48

Ugh. I would hate it. We did host Christmas last year with a 21 month old when I was 8 months pg with twins, but i was still pregnant, and did not have a newborn, which makes a big difference. Plus it was my family and not DH's (although his came for New Year), plus my mum and sister did about 90% of the cooking and were generally fabulous and my nieces and nephews kept my DS1 happy.

No matter how much everyone pitches in, you still feel responsible for looking after everyone, and there are beds to make up and obviously afterwards bedclothes and towels etc to be washed and dried along with your gazillion loads of baby clothes etc.

If it was just your parents or your inlaws and not another 3 people it may be ok, as they could take your DD1 out to the park etc and give you and DH time alone with your new baby, but with another three random family members as well I think it will all be a bit too much.

squiffy · 15/09/2008 12:04

Utter disaster. Announce that you are instigating a new tradition: Big big parties at Easter instead, quiet Xmas's. That way your DH at least has something to hand the in-laws so that they don't all start festering.

OrmIrian · 15/09/2008 12:08

COuld you invite yourself to your parents? And then tell him?

Uriel · 15/09/2008 12:11

Lovely story, flibbertyjibbert.

ipanemagirl · 15/09/2008 12:35

I keep hoping to open this thread and see OP saying

I have refused to do it!!!

Dropdeadfred · 15/09/2008 12:37

what happened to the OP?

EffiePerine · 15/09/2008 12:44

Just tell them it isn't happening

DC2 is due on Dec 30th, luckily we are antisocial bugger enjoy quiet family Xmases so have had every Xmas since we've been married on our own, in London, with no relatives at all (bliss). We go and see them before Xmas or in the New Year instead.

Sounds like a good excuse to start developing your own family Xmas in the way you want it . Maybe suggest to DH that you go over and see your ILs on Boxing Day instead?

MuffinMclay · 15/09/2008 13:02

YANBU.

We had something similar last year (19 month old ds1 and me 7/8 months pg but a difficult pregnancy). I refused. Lots of bad feeling and uppity relatives and a lot od stress.

FWIW make it clear now, whilst there is still lots of time, that it isn't happening. Otherwise it will drag on and on.

Flibbertyjibbet · 15/09/2008 13:24

Isn't it funny how the people who get uppitty are the ones who expect to go to someone else's house, be fed and entertained then go home to their nice tidy houses while you get to clear up after them?

expatinscotland · 15/09/2008 13:29

'Isn't it funny how the people who get uppitty are the ones who expect to go to someone else's house, be fed and entertained then go home to their nice tidy houses while you get to clear up after them?'

Exactly! Such folks aren't worth getting upset about when they get all offended, even if they're family.

And none of this compromise shit or you'll be compromising and hating it for the rest of your days (fine if that's what you want, but from what you wrote in teh OP, you want to start having your own family Xmases from now on).

Just Sorry, we're not hosting Xmas this year.

Miyazaki · 15/09/2008 13:49

Expat exactly right.

Don't put it off, either - get it out there asap.

Upwind · 15/09/2008 13:52

Expat, compromises really can work if you negotiate hard - after that Christmas where I let him keep his promise to do everything, though he says he enjoyed it, my DH has never once suggested we host Christmas again

expatinscotland · 15/09/2008 13:55

Upwind, the OP made it clear she didn't want to compromise, she wants her own space and an Xmas with just her husband and two children, which I think is entirely fair considering she'll have a 2-4 week old baby and a toddler.

Her husband has said he'll do everything, but she still doesn't want a bunch of guests in the house, again, entirely fair when you've got a newborn baby in the house.

She made it clear she wants to start doing something for Xmas, too.

etchasketch · 15/09/2008 13:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleMyDancing · 15/09/2008 14:04

No no and thrice no. We always seem to have DPs family over and even though DP always cooks Christmas dinner, there's all the blinking shopping and presents and trees and then trying not to kill his family while they sit around taking up all the sofa and drinking all day....

What if you end up in hospital, who's going to have time to do all the preparations?

And you're not going to face the supermarket on the run up to Christmas, let's be honest.

Be firm. Be polite, but firm. And if they get miffed, well, sod'em.

Upwind · 15/09/2008 14:07

Fair enough Expat, and she shouldn't let her DH make her feel guilty for wanting that. But one of her reasons for not wanting to do it is that she thinks her DH does not give enough attention to detail so she will wind up doing the work herself.

coolkat · 15/09/2008 14:11

If you are already dreading it and DH insists its a recipe for disaster before your even start. YANBU

Our 2nd DD is due November and we are having christmas here but I have a MIL AND MUM who are amazing, they will both chip in and I know there is no pressure, as long as DD who will be 6 is having fun and enjoying it then I will be happy. DH has to go to work christmas day at 6 so they can all clear off and me and DD can go to bed and watch a nice film.

noonki · 15/09/2008 14:30

YANBU

agree with him for future years alternatives or whatever you both agree with

we do a one year with his MIl(or up here and she comes) then one year at my mum's

we then have a meal some weekend in december with the ones that we are not seeing

Flibbertyjibbet · 15/09/2008 14:32

This thread has reminded me that when I was 6m pg with ds2 and had 12m ds1, we went to il's for xmas day.
The men all sat about while the women cleared up. I wasn't told to put my feet up, mil saw me heading for the sofa and said 'are you giving us a hand with the clearing up flibberty?' I remember fil giving me some instruction about something that needed taking off the table. Yes my fil and bil sat on their fat arses while I heaved my bump around clearing up after them.
(My dp was washing up btw, don't you agree I got the best one from that family )

We have never been to theirs for xmas since, but thats a whole other thread

cornsilk · 15/09/2008 14:35

Have you told them yet op?

Boyswillbeboys · 15/09/2008 14:39

DS2 was born mid-Nov and DS1 was 20months at the time - we had a lovely Xmas just me, DH and the boys. Stayed in our PJs all day, had M&S ready meals, the least stressful Xmas ever! Now they are older we are expected to traipse up and down the country visiting the relatives - argh! (we don't have the space to accommodate anyone)

YANBU, just relax and don't succumb to the pressure.

LittleMyDancing · 15/09/2008 14:46

Flibberty - similar experience for me. SIL and I, both pregnant, me about 5 months, her about 12 weeks. Time came to move the dining table into the lounge to set up the table. Guess who carries the table? Yup, me and SIL.

We were in the house with 6 able bodied men aged from 16 to 45. All of whom seemed to be mysteriously busy doing something very important involving the TV and some wine.

Upwind · 15/09/2008 15:10

LittleMyDancing, I don't see why you are , unless the men made you and your SIL carry the table.

LittleMyDancing · 15/09/2008 15:15

They all sat on their arses and WATCHED. And when I said 'why are the pregnant women doing all the work' they just did that shrug thing.

Hence

Upwind · 15/09/2008 15:16

I'd have insisted they got up off their arses!

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