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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at pub banter

85 replies

closingtime · 12/09/2008 19:43

Rang DH at 5.15 and he said he was going for a drink and would be home soon.
Then he rang and said he had a couple so would get a taxi and be back for dinner by 7pm.

7.20pm phone rings while I am upstairs getting DS and DD ready for bed.
They are both playing up and jumping all over the bed and running off.
So am not in the best frame of mind.

DH had left a message saying there was a big problem and the taxi he arranged has not turned up.

So I ring him ,conversation goes like this-

Me-Hello,what has happened with the taxi?

DH-Oh it's all gone horribly wrong and can't get out of this place.
John can vouch for that.

John in the background-yes ,that is true

{bearing in mind he is a village pub about a 15 min drive from home}

Me-what do you mean you can't get out of there?
You are'nt in Siberia

DH-No I am not in Siberia,I may well as be

Que laughing in background from pub and John saying
"oh at least she has a sense of humour"

DH- don't know how long I will be ,put the dinner in the dog and see you later,night night.

God I hate that pub background banter.
So DH is sitting there having a laugh and showing off that he wears the trousers and I am stuckhere referring the childen yet again.

Only his 3rd taxi home this week,improvment on last weeks 4.

OP posts:

nickytwotimes · 12/09/2008 19:45

YANBU.
That is rotten, especially so frequently.

traceybath · 12/09/2008 19:46

I think the clue is in your last sentence.

Pub banter fine - taking the piss down the pisser - not fine.

Sidge · 12/09/2008 19:49

If this is a regular occurrence I would be beyond pissed off.

Put his dinner on a plate outside the front door, put he chain on/double lock the door so he can't get in and go to bed with your iPod on so you can't hear him ringing.

thesockmonsterofdoom · 12/09/2008 19:51

serioulsy taking the piss out of you and needs dealing with. sorry.

Twelvelegs · 12/09/2008 19:52

MMM, I make DH book a taxi before he goes to the pub. This was after, on one or two occasions, people lied and said he'd left hours ago.... it was so funny I nearly planned a divorce!! Married with three children is not the time to have work 'mates' lie to your wife who has known you a decade longer than them. Not to mention the frequent 'taxi didn't show' 'Massive taxi queue'. Funny how when he booked a taxi to get out of the house it was never late and neither was he!!!!!

Plan of action for you.....
Do you go to the gym? Excercise? Have a dog? A friend who lives a while away?
Get up very early and leave the house with him looking after the children for the day. Don't worry about his plans just have some that you don't run by him and let him see how it feels. Even if you just pop out for a quick glass of something in the evening or coffee and a nice book or read of the paper. If you've got the cash nip to your nearest Spa and relax for the day.
Please do this for all of us who have beenstuck in with the children when DH's haven't made it home from work!!

LoveMyGirls · 12/09/2008 19:52

His mate john would be putting him up for the foreseeable if he was my other half. Txt him now and tell him this so he is well aware before he is totally trashed. tell him you and your children will see him when he's sober and can put your needs above his & his mates.

anorak · 12/09/2008 19:54

It's not going out for a few drinks that's the problem so don't let him make you think you're being unreasonable.

It's the fact that you've cooked him a dinner and he's said 'put it in the dog' as though your efforts are worthless and you don't matter. It's the fact that he's so obviously not really trying to get home at a time in the evening when you really need his help - again, it's as though he thinks you don't matter. And it's just insulting to take the piss out of you in front of his mates over the phone. Rude and nasty.

My reaction would be to stop including him in my plans - no more dinners waiting, no more caring whether he turns up or not, I'd just go my own sweet way and order my time with the children assuming he wasn't going to be there.

Bettyboobird · 12/09/2008 19:55

He sounds like he is taking the piss. Absolutely mean. YANBU. I don't know what to suggest, other than taking some time out for yourself...

Yanda · 12/09/2008 19:56

Lock him out. See who is wearing the trousers then.

Original poster

closingtime · 12/09/2008 19:57

This has beena regular occurance the past month or so.
Your right,he is taking the piss.

He is stressed at work at the moment,but as I tell him no excuse.
Loads of people have stressful jobs and don't feel the need to go to the pub nearly every night after work.

It is just so frustrating and feel like a mug putting up with this but don't know how to stop it.
Does'nt help with the audience in the background laughing makes me feel paranoid that they are laughing at me.
I also heard a womans laughter so not sure who he is drinking with never met any of these people.

As for lockinh him out,small cul de sac where we live and lots of school mums are my neighbours so don't want to draw attention to it.

OP posts:

mynameisluka · 12/09/2008 19:57

Good luck

LoveMyGirls · 12/09/2008 20:00

they wont know, if you txt him and say if you're not back by 8.30pm dont bother coming home. the only way they will know is if he comes back and shouts etc but then he wouldnt do that because he wouldnt want to make a scene and wake the kids so he'll either be home and get a bollocking or he'll stay at his mates.

themildmanneredstalker · 12/09/2008 20:01

i would be furious and having severe words.

expatinscotland · 12/09/2008 20:01

third time this week?

i wonder how funny he'd find the solicitor's letter with application for divorce or legal separation.

what is the point of staying with someone like this?

seriously, a night out with pals now and again is one thing, 3-4 times/week is just a worthless drunk who has no respect for his family.

so therefore deserves the same respect back, which is none.

my DH walks or cycles back from our village local. it's 3 miles away. no taxi needed.

Upwind · 12/09/2008 20:06

If he is not likely to be sober at this point I would wait until tomorrow to have it out with him. There is no reasoning with a drunk.

I would first of all take twelvelegs' advice. Slip away in the morning and have some time for yourself.

Original poster

closingtime · 12/09/2008 20:07

We don't have a dog and I don't really do antything outside of the house which I know I need to change.
Am looking into taking driving lessons and going to the gym in the mornings.

I can't see DH letting me orgainise taxis for him.
He would see that as controlling.

As for the dinner earlier in the week we waited to have dinner with him and by 6.30 he still was'nt home and rang only to be told go ahead and have yours I had a cooked lunch at a restaurant nearby.
In fact he did that the week before as well.

Have tried the carry on without him routine and he usually comes in amd looks in the oven and complains when there is no dinner.

Have just remembered when he rang he also said the children can have a ride on the bus tomorrow with me to pick up the car from the pub.

OP posts:

Original poster

closingtime · 12/09/2008 20:08

The thing is once he is really drunk he would make a scene and would'nt bother if he woke the children up.
He does'nt know what he is doing or saying.

OP posts:

Twelvelegs · 12/09/2008 20:14

Be careful as he's likely to be over the limit in the morning.
As for controlling he controls you by limiting your choices, you can't just fuck off to the pub as you have children to take care of... he seems to assume that you'll be there regardless.
Even if you take a long stroll and by a paper in the morning it may may him think.

Check out the AA's list of questions too, Does alcohol affect the lives of others around you? Is one of them.

All the things he askes you to do (ie where he expects you to be reliable) don't do. Forget his razors on your shopping list, tell him the dog ate them, wash his lunch box, leave him chnage, whatever you do to make his life easier and then agree that when he's a responsible partner and father you'll be a reliable partner too!!

Twelvelegs · 12/09/2008 20:15

PS Put his plate of dinner at the front door, or on his chair where he may sit when he gets home.

AMumInScotland · 12/09/2008 20:18

I would set the alarm for early tomorrow, and go out of the house, leaving him to cope with the kids and have the great fun of taking them on the bus to fetch his car once he's fit to drive. Find somewhere to go - shopping then the cinema if that's what it takes. Ideally, don't get home till after he has to sort out dinner and bed for the children.

We'll see how stressful his job seems then!

Then, sit down and explain to him that his behaviour is simply unacceptable, and you are not a doormat.

AMumInScotland · 12/09/2008 20:18

We'll see how stressful his job seems then!

Then, sit down and explain to him that his behaviour is simply unacceptable, and you are not a doormat.

Original poster

closingtime · 12/09/2008 20:22

I suspose it has become the norm for me and has gone on for so long over the years on and off and I have allowed it.
Although as I always say to DH having children now makes a big difference especially as they are getting older and noticing the difference between him sober and merry.

There is no point in talking to him tonight as could tell from his voice he was well on his way to getting drunk.

We went on holiday and spent a week at his parents in which I went up with the children and got them to sleep and he stayed downstairs most nights drinking his way from his fathers extensive wine collection.
When I asked why he did'nt come up and see if I wanted to come down for a drink and a chat he said he sees me all the time and only sees his parents and sister once a year.
I did'nt like to go down withjout being asked as felt like I was intruding.

Then we went away for a week as a family and because he could'nt smoke in the property we rented he went outside in the car in the pouring rain a few times and took his glass of red wine out there with him listening to music.

He also got really pissed on our last night and was quite abusive.
When I cooked dinner he kept saying had I poisoned it and the children kept asking "what is poisoning?"

In fact last years holidays were exactly the same,all ruined by his drinking,in fact a lot of things ,my mothers funeral,my brothers funeral, have been marred by his drinking.

OP posts:

CoolYourJets · 12/09/2008 20:25

So he is an alcoholic then.

What are you going to do?

anyfucker · 12/09/2008 20:25

ohhh, this is awful, Im so sorry

Twelvelegs · 12/09/2008 20:25

Call the AA and have a chat with them, Al anon is for relatives of drunks. Perhaps if you explore whether or not he is an alcoholic you can cope better.

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